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February
1 - Up late of course . . . PCd briefly . . . shopped . . .PCd again and foolishly opened an attachment I received in an innocent looking e-mail. Instantly infected with a real nasty virus!!!!!!!!!! Not the senders fault - but I could cry!!!!!! In the middle of a quick bite to eat I noticed floods of water outside as the next door neighbours overflow pipe did it's job! Banged on the window and door but even though they were definitely in, they didn't answer? Even turned the lights out when I rang the bell??? I gave up and eventually the flow stopped! . . . spent ALL night failing to remove the virus and finally fdisked / reformatted / re-installed everything!!!! Tried to sleep but couldn't and ended up back on it! By six in the morning the salvage operation was looking pretty healthy, fingers crossed - which was more than I could say for me! I guess I should be more carefull. Rather worried who may have got 'bogus' e-mails allegedly from me!!!!! (4/10)
2 - Tried to sleep again as the birds sang their dawn chorus . . . up with the alarm at midday . . . back to trying to sort the PC out . . . finally got round to mailing the parcel and card to DS and a card to PS . . . the browser kept locking the PC up so I ended up re-installing windows yet agan!!!!! . . . On line chats confirmed it was the 'W32/Apology-B' virus! Nasty! . . . PCd till about 4am. (4/10)
3 - Lo and behold I'm infected again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . . . spent the whole day deleting EVERYTHING except my data files. Nightmare. . . . LB popped in with left over food parcel from her aromatherapy party the night before . . . rebuilt everythingI could yet again and had it back up and running-ish by late. Lots of stuff I've kept on the PC for years is gone together with a couple of programs I rely on. Lost for ever!!! . . . PCd till early and had a pleasant chat on MSN. (4/10)
4 - Woke up with the alarm just before eleven . . . M/D called to touch base . . . rang PS to sing Happy Birthday . . . SH picked me and AC up and we went to the computer fare. Bought another cheap USB extension cable for experiments. In chats I realised my on-line PC connection is much slower than it should be!! AC suggested I call in a cable fault!! . . . PCd. Looking ok. Fingers crossed . . . but!!!! Couldn't get an internet connection ALL evening!!!!! Oh god now what! (4/10)
5 - Up with the alarm about ten o'clock . . .phoned a fault to the cable company who said they'd be round in the afternoon to see about it . . . rushed round the post box and posted a card to EL . . . touched base with PS and M/D on the phone . . . parcel arrived from DS bearing gifts!!!! Bloody hell - a CD writer!!!!!!!! Bloody hell!!!! . . . AC got the call out, turned up and fixed my slow connect speed by changing a waterlogged resistor in the cable box up the road. He confirmed the ISP was down last night. YIPPEEEE. I now have 50K + connect speeds . . . balanced my accounts . . . installed the CDW . . . SH popped in for coffee . . . PS popped in for chats till late . . . PCd till almost light, with slow connection speeds again!!!!!! I give up! (5/10)
6 - Played with the CD writer. It wouldn't copy a music CD!!!! Wasted half a dozen CDs or more before it finally did one by me slowing the write speed down to nothing!!! Then it wouldn't play on my stereo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In furiating! . . . Connections to the internet were erratic and slower than ever . . . left the machine running for four hours downloading PSP7 while I shopped. At least that was a success! . . . PCd all evening and got absolutely NOWHERE ALL night!!!! Connection speeds from 24.000bps to 34.000bps at best. Rang the technical support number and was advised to e-mail a report form from their site. I did immediately. Can't go on like this . . . very down/miserable/lonely all day. I'm really tired of all this, ALL of it. (2/10)
7 - PCd all day and night till 6am getting nowhere doing nothing. Pointless. (2/10)
8 - PCd. Finally got to chat to BB but every couple of minutes the connection failed!!!!!! Bloody typical. . . . posted birthday card to DH . . . rang PS and told him I couldn't face the 'do' he'd invited me to at a comedy club pub on Saturday. I just can't! . . . felt down! Very down! Crushing waves of absolute fucking despair welling up from my nauseous stomach. This too shall pass. Much crying. Total avoidance . . . PCd through the night and got to have a proper chat to BB. (2/10)
9 - Finally got to bed about 9am!!!!! . . . up again at 3pm!!! . . . PCd and TVd a little . . . despite terribly frustrating connection problems again, managed to have a NetMeet chat with E. Wow! Stunning. (3/10)
10 - Slept the day away and up late afternoon. I've finally turned totally nocturnal. Oh dear! . . .PCd. Succeeded in printing some envelopes on the printer for next week . . . once again, true to form for a Saturday, any attempts at getting an intenet connection proved fruitless. Infuriating!!!! Gave up and watched TV!! . . . LB popped in briefly. Went up her place and tried one of my copied CDs on her player. It worked fine!!! Proves MY CD player is no good!!!!! Watched 'Grace Under Fire' on her video. Funny. . . . connections were back up so PCd till early. Hardly eaten today!!! MUST eat more!!!! What day is it?! (4/10)
11 - Up late . . . PCd . . . went for milk and a kebab. On the way, in the dark, I almost stood on a small frog sat in the middle of the pavement! Scared a poor old woman, just going into her house, half to death by calling out and asking if she minded if I put it safely on her lawn. She agreed and rushed to get inside away from the weird guy with frog . . .TVd . . . PCd . . . chatted to E. There are times when I feel that anyone who has any contact with me is liable to suffer some personal crisis or unhappiness - as though I carry some form of emotional plague or catalyst!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . . . to bed at dawn.(4/10)
12 - Up around midday with the alarm . . .PCd . . . shopped . . . fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . sorted out the cards and got pretty down about the whole idea . . . PCd all night . . . . out at 5:30am in the icey morning to post the cards in the post box. On the way back, as a little traffic started to appear, a badger ran across the road only yards in front of me and rang along and up the lane behind the shops!!! A badger!!! Here!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing! I've seen a badger!!!!!! Can't believe it!!!! (4/10)
13 - Couldn't sleep and ended up PCing doing absolutely NOTHING until midday!!! . . . up again after only a few hours sleep. Forced food inside me and then felt pretty ill for hours . . . finally sorted some PC stuff out. It'll have to do. . . . PCd till early. (3/10)
14 - Couldn't get to sleep until after 6am!! . . . Up at midday to rush to the mailbox and read - the junk mail!!!! Oh well. . . . Sis1 popped in for coffee and chats . . . touched base with JB on the phone . . . felt unwell still and fell asleep for an hour or so . . . felt slightly better and went and got fish and chips . . . touched base with M/D . . . PCd. A couple of nice e-mails . . . Feeling a bit 'emotional'! Oh well. . . . TVd. The guy opposite meticulously squeezed his works truck into the space outside my house and totally blocked me in, completely ignoring my 'No Parking-Motorcycle Access' request fixed to the gate!!! I don't even exist do I!!!! Incensed I printed out "PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN FRONT OF MY GATE. MOTORCYCLE ACCESS. THANK YOU" and put the paper under his windscreen wiper. Bet there's trouble now!!! . . . PCd. . . . chatted and netmeets with E. till early. (4/10)
15 - Couldn't sleep again till after 6am . . . woken at around 11:30 by PS popping in for coffee. My notice about parking had been thrown in my garden! . . . another beautiful sunny day so unwrapped the bike and rode to Portishead to sit on the 'sea' front in the sun and smoke a cigarette or two and feel like an outsider as people promenaded by . . . LL revealed my anonymous valentine had made her feel unsafe/worried so I owned up to having sent it to put her mind at ease! . . . PCd and chatted to SA. SH popped in so I said I had to go. Apparantly I said it rudely and upset her!!!! Owned up to having sent her the 'worrying' e-mail she thought was a virus!!!!!!! . . . Very upsetting E-mail from BB who had misunderstood a jokey comment I had made in yesterdays chat and had taken it seriously!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. Everything I do is a fuck up. Everything. I fuck everyone up!!!!!! I think I'll be avoidant now. . . PS popped in till early. (3/10)
16 - Slept loads. Woke about 1pm!!!!! . . .PCd and chatted throughout the day to SA and BB. . . LB dashed down ringing the bell in a crisis. Her old male cat was having a fit!!! Ran up and watched him slowly recover his senses, and do nothing more than be there for LB. . . . finally PCd all night through with E. and netmeeting. Briefly seemed to have a 'crossed line' where someone else suddenly appeared in a chat window which was cause for concern!! Finally to bed at 9am!!!!!!!!!!!!! A sunny day too! Oh well. (4/10)
17 - Briefly awoken at midday by a nightmare! Jeeze - where did that come from! Horrific violence! . . . slept on until late afternoon . . . PCd.Continuing service problems with Yahoo, AOL and MSN. Every time a connection fails in the middle of a chat I become obsessed with the idea I've said something wrong and upset who I'm talking to. I go through hell emotionally - EVERY time!! Crazy guy. . . . gave up and TVd . . . PCd.Chatted with E till early then chatted with BB. Eventually to bed after nine! (3/10)
18 - Slept the day through. Awoke at sunset. Beautiful bright red and orange sky . . . VERY hungry so went for a kebab . . . TVd . . . PCd. Feel very tired. Very exhausted. Very desirous of some real life female company. Recent chats have re-awakened longings!! . . . Chatted through the night and to bed after dawn. (3/10)
19 - Broken sleep and then woken around midday by SH poping in for coffee and chats. Confirmed that a music CD he had copied on his PC will not play on my stereo! It IS my stereo at fault! Cheap rubbish . . . a quick bite to eat and then overcome with exhaustion and fell asleep again!! . . . woken early evening by SH poping back . . .very hungry. Ate a bit . . . TVd . . . PCd with chats till early and then surfed a little. To bed just a little earlier than of recent days - I MUST get back to 'normal' sleep patterns! Haven't seen much daylight for a week or more!! Still haven't got round to neglected e-mail replies! Feel real guilty - but SO tired! (4/10)
20 - Did a couple of e-mails. Chatted to SA . . . ate sausage and chips from the chip shop . . . TVd . . . felt exhausted again and fell asleep just after midnight. (4/10)s
21 - Woke up at 03:30 feeling disorientated . . . PCd. Chatted a bit and then after sitting outside briefly in the mist listening to the birds dawn chorus, went back to bed. Couldn't sleep so eventually got up around 7am . . .ate lots of breakfast . . . replaced the broken speedo cable on the bike with one from the pile of spares I'd been given . . . threw up . . . prevented myself from going back to bed by deciding to put all the bed linen in the wash! . . .balanced my meagre accounts . . .nice weather so went out on the bike with the idea of gently looking for a set of higher handlebars. One shop had some but 20!!!!! Another had a set that were already rusty and offered them for 5. Resisted temptation and left . . .stopped off at the Bristol Dogs Home just to dream. Just about to leave when I thought I'd go back in and ask about dog walking. Ended up deciding to walk one. Didn't have long before they closed for lunch so I quickly asked if I could have a big one preferably a German Shepherd. As luck would have it I got Caesar - the big old boy I'd fallen for the last time I was there. He pulled and pulled and was apparantly not good around other dogs which was a worry - but oh what a wonderful dog. With a bit of training he could be great. He dragged me along the footpath next to the river and back in the sunshne with a brief pause for a sit down and some stroking. With me covered in hairs he was returned all too soon . . . Succumbed to temptation and returned to the bike shop and bought the rusty handlebars and rode home with them sticking out of my jacket . . . PCd briefly and managed to catch EB and warn I'm trying to get back on 'normal' sleep patterns. I so want to keep chatting - but how if I sleep at night?!!! . . . S&DH popped in for coffee . . . trimmed the honysuckle in the garden and cut it back to nothing. Fingers crossed it recovers! Tried burning some of it but only succeeded in making me smell horribly of smoke . . . terribly tired and snoozed in a chair for half an hour . . . touched base with M/D by phone . . . TVd and managed to stay awake till around eleven . . . e-mail from EL made me feel bitter and jealous about my pathetic life and I replied unpleasantly!!! Oh dear! (5/10)
22 - Up about 9am. Guess I'm back on GMT then . . .spent most of the morning trying to defrost the fridge. Inches of ice chiseled away at with a knife while directing the hairdryer at it on full blast to try and speed things up!! . . . got on top of overdue e-mails. Posted a pretty naff 'from my depths' post on the Yahoo!Avoidant group . . . shopped . . .TVd . . . no reply from EL so I guess that's that. Always was largely one way communication - little back but reminders of how full and easy life can be for some. I'm ill equipped to deal with the jealousy that creates and from time to time it will out! Oh well. I guess the monkey in a cage isn't so nice to play with if he bites! . . . PS popped in for chats till early.(4/10)s
23 - Couldn't sleep and played guitar until after 4am. Couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until long after 5am. Up with the alrm before 10am. I feel awful . . . my post on Yahoo!Avoidant seems to have sparked up the old fighting and bitterness?????!!!!!!!!!!! For gods sake!!!!!!!!!!! No more. . . .PCd and chatted to EB . . . couldn't help it and slept for a couple of hours . . . ate fish and chips from the shop . . . TVd . . . PCd till early. Replied to e-mails and updated and modified my 'links' page . . . tried so hard to sleep but to no avail. Ended up eating breakfast around 5:30am and finally dropping off around 6:30! Silly things preying on my mind! (3/10)
24 - Up with the alarm around mid-day. . . M/D touched base by phone . . . TVd feeling rough and taking Anadins . . . SH popped in very briefly . . . feeling very 'emotional'. Lots of swirling yearning stuff all drifting about.Quite a bit of tearfulness!! Quite a ride!! . . .TVd . . . PCd. Really needed some company BAD but no one about for ages. Eventually chatted to SA till early. (2/10)s
25 - Up around 2:30pm! So much for normal sleep patterns - but frankly, so what! . . . TVd . . . PCd. Feeling pretty pissed off and about as avoidant as I get. Unplugged the ansaphone. Lots of sitting staring blankly at whatever was in front of me. . . chatted with EB . . . tossed and turned and couldn't sleep till dawn. (2/10)
26 - Up with the alarm at midday . . . More horrors on the news about the 'Foot And Mouth' infection. The whole country is in a desperate crisis!!! . . .PCd all afternoon looking for anything new related to AvPD for inclusion on my research pages. SO many sites saying exactly the same thing (nothing!!) and of no practical use whatsover!! Infuriating . . . chatted a little but why oh why do people start a chat and then expect someone to just sit there waiting while they simultaniously chat to someone else? Very rude! . . . had a glass of wine or two. Got a kebab from the shop. . . TVd. Early to bed around 11pm! Down. Very strong desire to turn the PC off for good. (2/10)
27 - Up early about 7am . . . PCd/TVd . . . CW rang to touch base. Things are not going well for her! . . . the call left me in a strange mood which ultimately included a lengthy period of feeling deeply in touch with the 'good'!!!? Haven't felt that for a LONG time. Frankly a self sacrifical feeling of 'love' for everyone I know, in a 'Buddhist' sense!? Haven't felt that for a LONG time!!!!!? It didn't last of course . . . PCd till early. Chatted and netmeets with EB. Asked what sort of day I'd had, I told her and tried to explain by pointing her to parts of my website which I didn't realise she had never read. She got very upset and expressed feelings of jealousy and 'love' for the 'me' she has imagined. Terribly distressing to me. I can never be whatever she has imagined - I know - I dared to imagine it too!! I DO have 'feelings' for her and would not hurt her for the world, and yet I have. How have I allowed this to happen?!!!! I am no more equipped to deal with such feelings here, than I am in real life! My PC crashed and by the time I'd rebooted she was gone and did not come back on line! . . . went to bed not to sleep around 6:30am. (2/10)s
28 - Woken around 1:30pm by the phone. SH popped in for coffee . . .TV news was full of horror. Spreading foot and mouth disease of course, and then - A bizarre accident had happened where a Land Rover pulling another car on a trailer had crashed onto a railway and then been hit by a speeding passenger train which was derailed and then hit a goods train travelling in the opposite direction. Thirteen dead and many wounded! Impossible not to imagine everyones agony especially the Land Rover driver who survived . . . sat around all day hardly moving or eating. Feel VERY down, confused and DEEPLY hurt and upset by EBs reaction and that I seem to have caused her hurt . . . desperately fighting an almost overwhelming AvPD desire to shut down on communication with everyone. EVERYONE!!! Did NOT PC . . . had some drink and ended up reading psychology websites all about 'cyber relationships' and projection and transference, etc. It's a documented 'trap'. It isn't 'real'. It just ISN'T!! I could NEVER allow myself to think it could be! . . . went to bed around midnight. (2/10)
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