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February
1 - Broken sleep then up at 7:30am . . .walked . . .very down. . . Couldn't face breakfast. Tried to sleep but couldn't and ended up alternately laying down and TVing the day away. . . ate the last of the cocktail sausages and then some roast lamb and bread and butter for lunch . . .managed to sleep for an hour or so, late afternoon. Woke feeling just a little better moodwise. . .walked . . . called BB . . . ate cheese sandwichs and crisps. . . PS popped round for chats till late. He'd been to Amsterdam for a weekend. . To bed around 1am. (2/10)s
2 - Broken sleep then up around 7:45am . . . walked and found 3p . . .breakfasted . . . tried sleeping but couldn't! Eventually dug out a couple of birthday cards from a drawer and decided to walk with Sally and go post them. With all the local post offices now being closed it meant a long walk up to the main office in Kingswood. When we got there the queue was enormous. Had to be close to a hundred people all crammed in there waiting!! No way could I stand getting involved with all that, just to post one letter!! Grrrrr! Drew some money out of the building society and then walked on down to the library, determined to hire a DVD to watch. Ended up stood looking at all the DVDs wondering what the hell I was doing there - then spotted a copy of 'Termintor 3' so figured I may as well hire (3.40ish for the week) and finally watch that one. . . walked back via the shopping precinct and popped into the Wilkes store looking for the woman who works there who I thought was the one who'd lost her watch. She was there on a till and it WAS her watch, so that was all neatly tied up and resolved. .walked all the way back and carried on over the field and headed for the other nearest post office. Another queue but smaller, so stood in line and eventually managed to weigh the envelope, buy the stamps, and get the damn thing posted. Found 6p along the way. . . corned beef and lettuce sandwiches for lunch. . . lay down and tried sleeping again (a couple of times) but couldn't! . . . TVd . . .walked . . . touched base with BB . . . couldn't be bothered to cook and ended up just eating bowls of cornflakes and packets of crisps . . . TVd until real early to bed around 10:30pm.(2/10)s
3 - Woken by insistant Sally just before 2:30am. No idea why - turned out she didn't need to use the garden? . . snoozed for a bit after waking and then up around 7:45am . . .walked and found 7p and a dog ball on a rope . . .yet more involuntary dark thoughts, round and round and round. I seem to have fallen back into a hole out of which I cannot climb. I've hesitated recording the thoughts here, because they are of course pathetic; I am embarassed by them (to say the least); when I am actively considering what to do about them, that's my business and no one elses - but I guess I may as well put some of it here 'just for my record' - cause sooner or later I won't be thinking like this and then it'll be impossible to remember how it was. How very dark, how very real, how very consuming, how very close! . . Everything is of course, utterly totally pointless. Almost every waking moment seems to be filled with a constant mental dialogue of 'to be or not to be?, to be or not to be?', and the answer is of course always 'not'. I STILL haven't done a will, but it suddenly occured to me the other day, that a property would be devalued (at least temporarily) by having someone commit suicide in it. That seems like something to try and avoid for the benefit of whoever ends up with my house to dispose of, so I guess comfy thoughts of just getting warm at home and doing the business with a good smoke and some nice music are less likely. Gotta be the car then hasn't it. The details in the Hutton report of how Dr David Kelley walked to a wooded area and ended his life with some pain killers and a quick cut to the wrist, make it seem like a pretty neat and effective way to go. Damn - if only I didn't have Sally - even she's been acting different towards me of late! Like I'm not much worth taking any notice of. This life's a wash. End it, end it, END IT!! . . .eventually gave up and called the doctors surgery trying to simply get my prozac prescription kinda reactivated. Of course they wouldn't have it and insisted I see a doctor. Mine wasn't available so they booked me in for a 3:30pm with some other! What a waste of everyones time!! . . . cooked up a kiev and chips for lunch . . . TVd the time away until my appointment. Left Sally at home and drove to the surgery. Waited for ages!!! At 4:10pm I gave up and went to ask at reception if they had actually made the 3:30 appointment for me!! I'm not sure but I got the impression I should have checked in with reception when I arrived? Never have before!? Almost got very angry - I am SO short tempered right now!! Was called up pretty soon after returning to the waiting room. Good job - felt like I was gonna explode - was very close to having to just leave!! . The doctor who I'd bever seen before insisted on asking the usual nonsense obligatory questions and insisted I make some sort of answer before he wrote out the prescription. He tried to be all positive and point out that I'd not been back on the medication for a couple of years, so I must have been ok. It isn't quite like that is it! Hopeless trying to explain! . . . paid the 6+ whatever it was charge, waited and eventually drove home with a supply of 60x20mg capsules of fluoxetine - one per day. Jeeze - how the hell am I gonna get through the next few weeks until these kick in?. . . tried to sleep but couldn't . . . PCd this . . .BB called . . . walked . . . TVd . . .ate corned beef sandwiches. . . TVd until bed around 11:30pm. (2/10)p
4 - Broken sleep then up around 8am . . .walked and found 6p . . .skipped breakfast . . . rang Terry Iles the roofer and introduced myself as the one with water flowing down the walls every time it rains! The tone of his voice displayed annoyance - his excuse this time was that he needs two clear days of dry weather to correct the problem, and every time he's been coming out, it's rained! Fobbed off with implausable excuses yet again!! :o( What am I supposed to do?! I feel like 'prey'. Just worthless 'prey' to whoever wants a piece of me . . . sat around in front the TV all morning definitely already feeling the effects of the fluoxetine . . . cooked up sausage, egg and chips for lunch . . . napped and happily managed to sleep the whole afternoon away until around 4:30pm . . . woke with a nasty headache. Spotted a post note attached to the car??!! Some penciled note saying call a phone number? Weird. Not meant for me I'm sure - unsettling though. . . TVd . . .PCd this. BB called and I ended up biting her head off! I am SO short tempered right now!!. . .walked and found 2p and watched another drive by drug deal going on. God they make it SO obvious! . . .TVd . . . ate a cheese sandwich . . .called BB back to apologise . . . TVd until bed around midnight.(2/10)p
5 - Up around 7:45am . . .walked and carried on down to Eastville park and along the river to Vassals and back in the drizzle. Very mild out - too hot for the coat I was wearing. Found a rubber ring dog toy, but really too small for Sally. Home by around 11:20am . . . cooked up sausage, egg and chips for lunch again . . .napped for an hour or so - woken by the phone ringing but no message left. Grrrr . . .PCd some of this. I'm not sure I want to do this any more. I'm not sure I can see the point. I'm not actually getting anywhere. How have I ended up back here?!!!! Just feels humiliating! Not sure what part, if any, the stopping smoking plays in all this . . . BB called . . . running out of things to eat off, so did overdue dishwashing chores . . hernia started giving me some discomfort and being all protruding. Weird how I was able to walk for several miles this morning without any trouble from it at all . . . walked . . . ate corned beef sandwiches. Getting trouble from the tooth next to the one that was pulled out!! Won't suprise me if that one goes soon! . . . TVd. Watched the 'Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines' DVD I'd rented from the library. Clever effects but disappointingly weak film. . . to bed just after midnight. (_/10)p
6 - Woken around 6:45am by the sound of the rain and worrying powerlessly about how much is flowing down the chimney wall up in the attic! Worrying about weather forecasts seems to be a new consuming feature of my life!! :o( . . .walked . . .breakfasted . . . walked with Sally up to the library to return the DVD. Shopped a bit too . . . sausage sandwiches for lunch . . . walked to the post office . . . napped for an hour or so . . . walked . . .BB called . . . TVd until bed around 11pm. (_/10)ps
7 - Broken sleep then up around 7:15am . . . walked in the mud . . .ate a couple of doughnuts . . . ummd and ahhd and eventually set off walking again, rather than try and muster the energy to try and do anything else! Walked the long Frome valley walk 'in reverse' - Fishponds, Vassals, Eastville and back. River was up high and all brown and fast flowing. A beer barrel was trapped in the backwash of the weir at Snuff Mills. No matter how fast flowing the river was, the barrel was just flipped and turned and spun and stayed trapped where it was! I feel very barrel like. Found 1.03 along the way. . . cooked up four cheeseburgers for a late lunch and gave Sally one of the cooked LB bones, defrosted from the freezer. . .touched base with BB to see how her imminent nicotine withdrawal was going. . . napped for only an hour or so . . .TVd. . . walked in the freezing gale and found 2p . . .had a single glass of red wine and thankfully managed to feel quite tipsy. . . BB called. . . . ate cheese sandwiches and lots of biscuits. . .turns out my newly aching tooth is loose!!! :o( I suspect I've been clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep!! . . . TVd until bed around midnight as strong winds battered the house. Trouble sleeping what with drunks passing by, the bins being blown noisily over and around the garden, and worrying about the roof!! Eventually more or less asleep only to be woken around 1:10am by lots of noise from drunken yobs in the street. Lots of shouting right outside, so leapt out of bed and peered through the curtains. Took me a while to figure out what I was seeing. A guy with a dog was kinda being ‘ushered’ along the road by a group of in excess of ten shouting people!! On closer examination it turned out the dog guy was a police dog handler! He seemed to be trying to stop the group from carrying on up the road, but he was on his own and they weren’t taking any notice of his instructions and continued advancing toward him in a very threatening manner, taunting him that he was being ‘very big with the dog’. Musta been VERY scary for him. At one point he drew out his expandable truncheon and hit one of the people who came close and tried to get behind him. That outraged the group and things got louder. The dog handler was on his radio. Thankfully in no time at all the cavalry arrived and incredibly the street was soon full of half a dozen police cars! Blimey – didn’t think they had that many any more! Lots more shouting. LB called – concerned it may have been me in the street with the dog! A couple of the yobs were insistent on getting the dog handler’s number so they could complain about his use of the truncheon which they considered ‘well out of order’. (His behaviour seemed very restrained to me under the circumstances. Bloody yobs – all deserved a good beating! Shoulda let his dog have a chew on a few!) A couple of people were arrested, handcuffed and put in the patrol cars. Eventually by around 1:30am things quietened down and the remaining yobs wandered off and the police dispersed. Ended up watching TV and American police chases until around 3am. Eventually back to bed but couldn’t sleep and tossed and turned and saw 4am come and go!!(_/10)pd
8 - VERY broken sleep and eventually up around 7:45am. Wind has died down a little. . .walked and found 6p. . .PCd this. . . ate a couple of doughnuts . . .Sally was sick a fair bit throughout the day, some of which required cleaning up in the house!! . . . slept until early afternoon . . .cooked up chips and frankfurter type things . . . TVd . . . walked and found a penny. Scary moment (held Sally close in by a wall) when a presumably stolen car screamed by, just on the very edge of out of control! . . .touched base with BB . . . PS popped round for chats till late. Ate a couple of corned beef sandwiches but felt a bit iffy and couldn't finish them. (_/10)psd
9 - Disturbed sleep then woken at 4am by a car alarm sounding, resetting, then sounding again, over and over. Peeked out through the curtains and could just make out a police car stopped down the road, next to where the alarm was sounding just out of sight. Thankfully the alarm soon stopped and I got back to sleep . . . up around 7:30am . . .frosty but sunny. Evidence of smashed glass in the street near where the car alarm was sounding earlier! Walked the long Frome Valley walk - again!! The beer barrel was STILL stuck in the river backwash at the bottom of the weir!! . . walked the extra up onto Purdown and explored a little. Walked around the big communication tower and around about. Much bigger area of grassland and woods than I had imagined. Eventually back via Vassals and Fishponds and home around midday. Spent a fair bit of the walk mindful it's a year since Dad died. Found 11p along the way. . . ate several bowls of 'bite sized shreddies' with huge amounts of sugar, and finished off the packet from when BB was here . . . slept for a couple of hours. Woke feeling rather unwell - headachy and a bit nauseas!! . . . PCd this . . .walked and found 2p . . . ate mostly biscuits . . . touched base with BB . . . TVd . . . ate a cheese omlette . . . TVd until nearly 1am. p
10 - Disturbed sleep then woken at 6:30am by the noise of a neighbour's moped! Uncomfortably (back ache) snoozed on until gone 7:30am . . . walked and found 7p . . . good grief - my mood seems worse than ever this morning!! What the hell is the matter with me?!! :o( Jeeze I need these tablets to start working!! Not easy to be objective, but all things considered, I think this is the worst period of depression that I’ve ever experienced!!!!? Why??????!!!!! It surely can’t just be about the giving up cigarettes. After all, I did it before and don’t recall having fallen to bits like this. . . I’m really not ‘functioning’ at all at the moment. Just kinda holding my breath, holding on, sitting and waiting for the tablets to kick in. Nothing else I can do. Time seems to have slowed down – can it really be yet another week or two before I should feel them working? Ugggh! That horrible side effect, which is kinda like ones skin is crawling (which drives me to chew off chunks of the skin of my fingers near my nails), is driving me nuts!!. . . breakfast . . .forecast is for dry weather for the next several days so tried calling the roofer to see what excuse he’d come up with this time. No reply on his mobile. Minutes later he called me back and said “it will be done this week - even if it goes into Saturday.” Uhuh - we’ll see. :o( . . . corned beef sandwich for lunch . . . slept. . . steak and kidney pie, boiled potatoes, peas and gravy. . . walked and found 2p . . .touched base with BB . . . TVd until bed around 11pm. p
11 - Woke early but snoozed on until around 7:30am . . .a packet in the mail from Mum containing a free CD she'd got with a newspaper and a wooly hat from a charity shop. . . walked Sally down to and along the River Avon at Hanham and back. She got into that weird hyperactive mood when we got back!! I am absolutely convinced there is something in THAT river water that affects her. . . coffee and biscuits then a corned beef sandwich for an early lunch . . . slept for a few hours . . .woke from dreams feeling headachey again. God I hate being awake!. . . TVd/PCd. Finally got round to updating my journal for the first time in a while. The site is in a mess. Had feedback telling me links and such are out of date, but I just can’t be bothered to sort it out. There's a lot more to be said here, but I just can't be bothered to type it. . .BB called . . . walked and found a penny. Very mild out . . .ate bowls of cereal and biscuits . . . LB popped down bearing unwanted pork chops in a cider sauce! Yes - ok - I'll feed the cats on the weekend. . . BB called . . . ate a chop . . . TVd till bed around 11pm. Couldn't face calling Mum to say thank you. pas
12 - Woke before 6 but tried to snooze on until woken by Sally around 7:45am . . . walked . . . muesli breakfast and biscuits . . . touched base with Mum and thanked her for the packet. Apparantly Sis1 is really 'down' at the moment. Funny coincedence . . .TV/PCd. . . at 1:30am the roofers turned up and dispelled my appetite for any lunch. They hacked off the angle bead, drip strips and render on the front chimney stack and then at 2pm, without a word, were all packed up and gone!!! . . . TVd/PCd . . .ate the other LB donated pork chop with some chips. Very nice . . . LB called and then dropped in the old vacuum cleaner she'd offered me for picking up my building rubble and such. . .walked and found 2p . . . BB called . . . TVd until real early to bed around 10pm! Tough day no smoking wise! All I could think about all day! It's only a matter of time until I cave in and smoke again. I'm just not at all committed to being a non smoker this time around! p
13 - Broken sleep every couple of hours all night! Eventually got up around 7:45am . . . walked and found 11p . . . roofers arrived around 9:20am. They attached the new drip strip and edge beads to the stack and put on a scratch coat of render. They said they'd be 'back tomorrow if the weather's ok to do the top coat, or else Monday', and were gone by 10:15am. . . messed around for a bit cleaning LBs donated vacuum. It needs a new filter. Looked it up on the internet (Goblin Multisystem 3000 type 7413B) - filters are around 10!! Hmmm? . . .corned beef sandwiches and crisps for lunch. Looks like I'm starting to develop a whole new bunch of dental problems adjacent to where that tooth was recently pulled! One tooth on the bottom is loose and that one and one other on the top row are aching, with attendant bad breath!! :o( . . . slept for a few hours . . . touched base with BB . . . walked and found 2p . . .couldn't muster the energy to cook so ate packets of crisps, bowls of cereal and biscuits . . . TVd until bed around 11pm. I dare to hope that the prozac is starting to work already. ps
14 - Broken sleep all night again!!!? Woke around 6am and gave up and got up at 7am . . . walked in a hint of drizzle and found 23p . . .fed LBs cats after panicking for a quarter of an hour as I searched for her misplaced door key . . .muesli breakfast . . . lay down but couldn't sleep. TVd and just sat around all morning. Eventually ate a tin of baked beans and some bread and butter for lunch. Prozac is definitely starting to take effect. Oh thank goodness!! What a relief/release! Oh thank goodness!! . . . touched base with BB . . . walked in some hazey afternoon sun down through Vassals and along to Eastville Park and back. The trapped in the weir beer barrel was gone. . . lay down to nap but couldn't sleep. Felt ok and lay there for an hour or more nonetheless until roused by the ansaphone taking a message . . . touched base with BB . . .walked . . . fed LBs cats . . . defrosted some roast chicken and ate it with chips . . . TVd until bed around 11:45pm. p
15 - Woke in the early hours but managed to get back to sleep until around 7:45am . . .walked . . .muesli breakfast . . . PCd this. . .slept for a while . . . bowls of corn flakes for a late lunch . . . slept some more. Woke feeling a bit unwell - too many cornflakes! . . . walked . . . BB called . . . TVd . . . ate tuna, onion and mayo sandwiches . . . TVd until bed around 12:30am. Tooth ache really starting to give me trouble now!! :o( p
16 - Woke in the early hours again and managed to get back to sleep until around 7:45am - again . . .walked . . .muesli breakfast . . by 10am I was ready to lay back down and nap for a while!! . . TVd . . .tuna, onion and mayo sandwiches for lunch together with a small pile of homemade crisps (because I've run out of shop bought flavoured packs)!! Used the grater to slice off wafer thin slivers of potato and then deep fried them until crisp. Not like shop bought ones and probably not worth all the bother - but not too bad with lots of salt. Wonder how they flavour those you buy in packets? . . .BB called . . . TVd/PCd . . . napped late for a couple of hours until gone 7pm! . . .walked . . .finished off the tuna in yet more sandwiches . . . PS popped round for chats, coffee and biscuits till late . . . run out of cereals so grabbed a bowl of microwave golden syrup 'Oatso Simple' mixed up with two tablespoons of golden syrup after PS had gone!! . . . . TVd until bed around 1am. Seems like maybe the prozac is kicking in kinda intermittently!! :o( Cleaning my teeth every couple of hours seems to be keeping the pain manageable. Gonna have to try to last out until my next dentist appointment in April. ps
17 - Woke early again - and back to sleep until up around 7:45am . . . walked in the light drizzle . . . muesli breakfast . . . broke out the step ladder and climbed up into the attic to see what effect the rain was having on the half finished render on the chimney stack. Pretty sure the rain is still penetrating. Maybe if they ever come back to finish it, the final top coat of render will sort it - but I seriously doubt it. It's all gonna be a constant source of worry for ever more now! :o( . . . napped and TVd the day away. Can't seem to muster the energy or desire to do anything much other than sleep. My mood/thoughts still seems rather 'fragile' and 'unstable'. Only wake up to eat, so it seems. Guestbook entry about my weight reminded me to keep an eye on it. Seem to have swapped cigarettes mostly for biscuits!! I think I've put on almost a stone in weight since Christmas. BBs cooking started me off - the giving up smoking really set the ball rolling - the depression/prozac existance of just eating and sleeping has clinched it! Up around 11 stone (154lbs) right now - thought my belt felt tighter. . . ate just bread and butter for lunch . . . bit of a headache so lay down to try and sleep it off. Woke around 4pm with an even more awful headache!! It eased with time and after a long hot shower. . . walked and found 5p . . .BB called . . . Uncle TJ called saying they were thinking of me at this time! Huh? Apparantly a year since Dads funeral!! Really?. . . ate oven heated cheese and onion pastry slices . . . TVd until bed before 11pm. paasd
18 - Woke around 6am. Couldn't get back to sleep because of noise from next door so eventually got up. . .damn cable TV service is on the blink again! Out of the house by 7:30am and walked the long Eastville park, Frome Valley, Vassals park walk. A little ice under foot here and there. Kept up a brisk pace without stopping to sit anywhere and got back home in just over two hours . . .muesli breakfast . . . walked with Sally up to Kingswood for supplies - mostly bread and crisps. Found 5p . . .corned beef sandwiches and crisps for lunch . . . napped for an hour . . . BB called in the middle of me trimming my hair. . .showered and called BB back. I'm not sure how, but the conversation went a bit awry and I suddenly felt overwhelmed with the 'responsibilities' of being in our 'relationship' kinda - or something like that???!! I said we should end it and go our seperate ways!!! . .walked late. Sat over the field for ages wondering why the hell I'd just done that. What the hell is the matter with me?! . . sat in front the TV until bed - whenever that was? Tossed and turned - deeply miserable. p
19 - Woke around 2am and couldn't get back to sleep. Got up and ate some muesli and watched TV until around 4am before laying down to toss and turn some more. Up again around 6:45am . . . walked . . . late muesli breakfast . . . around 11:15am climbed into the attic, retrieved my tobacco and started smoking again. It was inevitable sooner or later. The last time I started smoking again after having given up for a long period of time - it was a deliberate and considered act, mindful of the possible consequences (although I confess a hernia wasn't in my thinking!). It was a conscious decision to 'allow' myself to do this thing that I wanted to do. The way I am - the way I live - the financial restraints I have upon me - I deny myself much - I allow myself little. I decided I was going to allow myself this. I'd sadly concluded that I actually wanted to be a smoker more than I wanted not to be one!! That conclusion abides to this day. You'll never give up smoking if you actually really don't want to!!! You really have to WANT to be a non smoker - and I simply don't. :o( Doomed to failure. . . Chain smoked for a bit. Tried to sleep several times but couldn't. God I'm down in a big bad way. There seems absolutely no point in carrying on at all!! I'm trapped inside myself and there is no escape. Why have I done this?. . managed to sleep for almost an hour mid afternoon but sadly woken by some car horn or other . . . walked . . . ?p
20 - Woke around 5am. Tossed and turned until around 7am . . . walked . . sat around/lay down/TVd . . .postman delivered a box from BB containing home made chocolate chip cookies!!!! Receipt of the gift in the light of what I'd just done made me feel awful. Couldn't face eating any - figured if I did it would serve me right if I choked on them! :o( . . . walked . . .?p
21 - Woke around 5am again. Tossed and turned until around 7am . . . walked in the freezing cold . . . without explanation or announcement, after all these years, I deleted the website - in its entirety!! . .
In the on line research I did on AvPD, a particular passage struck something of a chord with me.
“Some avoidants even believe that they must avoid intimacy because ‘giving love to others reduces the energy they have available for themselves & that they need for their vital life processes,’ (Kantor).” At the risk of appearing to have lost my grip and gone completely insane – for me, there really is a sense of general ‘energy depletion’ in any/all forms of contact/relationship I may have with others. Feelings of mental exhaustion following prolonged periods of ‘contact’ with others, are very real and only alleviated by a necessary period of total solitude – no company, no phone, no e-mails – total solitude, to ‘recharge the batteries’. Some people evoke such feelings more than others. I have known ‘normal’ people without mental health issues or personality disorders, remark on similar lines and I’ve even heard the term ‘psychic vampire’ used to describe particularly ‘draining’ individuals! For whatever reason, with the onset of this latest episode of depression, I feel exhausted. My self preserving knee jerk reaction is to ‘withdraw from contact’. The trouble with this reaction is that my life at the moment is almost entirely devoid of contact with anyone anyway! On top of that, I’m well aware that this entire train of thought is quite possibly one step from being committed and wearing a straight jacket anyhow! Nevertheless, I felt compelled to almost half consider the possibility that the web site may be having an adverse and draining affect on me. I deleted it. My version of wearing a tin foil hat? I had to laugh when walking the dog on a couple of evenings recently. Every time I walked beneath a particular street light, it went out! Felt like I was one of those poor characters in the Marvel comics – Terry the Amazing Energyless Man, able to absorb the energy from entire city blocks! (Funny how the (sick?) mind can justify it working only in one direction – in the negative. Any good wishes or positive feelings of empathy or support invoked in the readers of the site, of course don’t affect me at all – unless also negatively! The way this works in crazy hocus pocus land is that when one wishes ‘for the best for a person’, that is translated into what is best for the growth of their ‘soul’, not necessarily in any way related to having a peaceful and happy this life. No ‘hocus pocus’ gain without mortal pain!) I really don’t believe all this stuff and it of course sounds like the meanderings of a man gone mad (which I’m happy to admit may well have finally happened - for a while at least!!) I would however point out that the next time the reader holds someone in their mind and prays for them or wishes them well (or ill!), they should ask themselves just exactly what on earth they think they are doing and why? Is there enough tin foil to go round?
. . felt briefly elated like I should have done it long ago. . .boiled egg and toast for breakfast . . . lay down and tried to nap but started to feel really, REALLY awful. Horrible panicky down feelings.
-/. . /- Nowhere to turn!! Not sure I can handle this - what can I do with Sally?!! Desperate scared! . . . called Sis1 to touch base and to see why SHE'd been down of late. Maybe it WAS the weather or something external to me?! To be honest, unusually, I guess I just wanted someone to pop round, but of course I didn't say so! Typically Sis1 was all busy and said she'd pop in tomorrow. Had to laugh . . eventually managed to sleep for a couple of hours . . . BB called. I felt so glad she had. I tried to explain I was in a bit of a bad way. With hindsight I suspect I've been on my way 'falling down' for quite a long time!! Felt better after we'd spoken. There is a 'connection' between us that I don't at all fully understand and it isn't so 'easily' (??!!!) broken. . . forced down corned beef sandwiches. . . sat around/lay down/TVd . . . walked . . . BB called . . . TVd the night away feeling yukkie and gradualy smoking more despite it making me feel a bit sick each time I did!! Forced down some of BBs cookies and then a bowl of muesli before bed around 12:30am pa
22 - Woke around 5am all overheating and needing the bathroom - again! Seems to have become a new routine!!?? Tossed and turned and eventually managed to get back to sleep, only to be woken at 6:45am by the sound of next door scraping wall paper off the wall in his living room!!!! Git! Snoozed on but more next door noise saw me give up and get up around 7:45am . . . walked and found a penny . . .coffee and BBs cookies for breakfast . . .sat around until around 11am when I suddenly found the need to do some vacuuming! Cooked up sausages and chips for lunch and then napped for a couple of hours until woken by ansaphone calls . . . Sis1 popped in for coffee and chats for a few hours . .PS called but I said not tonight . . . touched base with BB . . . walked. Once again that same guy on a push bike was waiting by the entrance to the field. A car pulled up in a nearby street, he sat in the passenger seat for a moment, the car drove off slowly round a corner and very soon he was back at his bike. Just GOTTA be drug deals, just gotta be. . . BB called . . corned beef sanwiches . . . TVd the night away until bed around 12:30am.p
23 - Woke around 5am as usual but with an awful headache and then tossed and turned until I finally got up around 7:45am . . . walked in the minus temperatures in the sun down to Eastville Park and along the Frome Valley to Vassals and back. Found 24p . . . cooked up bacon, egg, baked beans, fried bread and b&b for lunch . . . PCd this . . .slept all afternoon . . .walked . . . touched base with BB - her first 'proper' no smoking day. All I'm now trying to do is cut down from what I used to smoke. Currently on around five a day. .ate muesli and BB cookies . . . to bed around midnight. pa
24 - Woke around 5:30am and eventually up around 7am . . . out of the house by 7:30am and did the same walk as yesterday. Back home by 9:45am. Found 2p . . .stopped for a coffee and then walked with Sally up to deposit this months 50 premium bond win into the building society and to buy a little shopping. Been craving mushrooms this last day or so - bought a large container full. Back home to cook up another huge fried lunch complete with mushrooms. :o) . . . slept for a few hours . . . did dish washing chores . . .walked . . . touched base with BB . . .didn't feel too hungry and just ate a bag of crisps, a bowl of corn flakes and some of BBs cookies . . . TVd until bed around midnight. pas
25 - Same waking up routine as yesterday. I think it 'may' be I'm waking up every day so early because of noise from next door!! Grrrrr . . . out of the house around 7:40m and did the long Frome Valley walk in reverse. Walked the extra up onto Purdown and sat in the sun near the 'Duchess Mount' ruined monument and watched the traffic go by on the M32 way down below. Found a lighter from where some other smoker'd sat in the same spot. Treated myself to a couple of cigarettes and briefly felt more content than of late. Home by 11:15am just in time to watch Judge Judy on TV. Found 5p along the way. . Cooked up another huge fried lunch. I could get used to that. . .trimmed my hair, showered and was just about to nap when DH popped in (she'd crossed my mind minutes before appearing at the door). She'd brought the 100 for the flat screen monitor which she'd decided to keep. Excellent. Coffee and chats . . . lay down late afternoon to nap but couldn't and ended up just laying there for maybe an hour until disturbed by the ansaphone taking a call from BB. . .TVd . . .walked suffering hernia pain and having to hold it in. Been quite lucky of late not to have had any such problems . . . touched base with BB . . . corned beef sandwiches . . . TVd until bed around 11pm. pa
26 - Same as yesterday, some BB cookies with coffee then out of the house walking by 8am. Did the same long walk my normal way round and did the extra up onto Purdown for a sit and a cigarette in the morning sun. If it weren't for the constant awful noise from the M32 traffic, that would be one of my favourite places to sit. Back home via Snuff Mills and Vassals by 11am. Found 5p . . .sat briefly in the garden in the sun but actually colder out than it looked. . . big fried lunch . . . slept for a few hours. Woke around 4:30pm to what looked like a 'different day' - it'd been snowing and an inch of snow was covering everything!!. . BB called as snow blew horizontally past the window! . . . walked. Thankfully the snow had stopped. . .ate bowls of cornflakes and biscuits . . .BB called. . . TVd until bed around 11:30pm. pa
27 - Same broken sleep waking up routine from 5am. Eventually out of bed after 7:30am . . .just a light sprinkle of more snow in the night and a blue sky sunny morning. Coffee and BB cookies . . Looked snowy on the pavements rather than icey so figured I'd take the risk and walk down through Eastville Park and up onto Purdown for the snowy views. Out of the house around 8am. Not 'too' slippy slidey and managed to stay upright despite a few close calls. Found 4p. Sally played at being a running snow plough and ate loads! The boating lake at Eastville was largely a snow covered sheet of ice. Snow hung on all the branches glistening in the sun. Very beautiful. Duchess Pond and Purdown in the snow @ 27-02-04Skipped my usual once round the lake and headed off straight along the river and eventually up and over the main road at Snuff Mills and through the old iron gate into the parkland. Followed the path through the underpass under the M32, past Duchess pond and carefully climbed the snowy hill up past a toboganing family onto the mount. Very hot after that climb in the sun! Took my coat off, kicked a space in the snow and spread it on the grass and sat. Only took about an hour to get there. Treated myself to a couple of cigarettes. Sally treated herself to a quick fox chase! Took a series of four photos for a panoramic (the block of flats on the horizon far left is somewhere near home.) The snow sadly seemed to start to melt and thin out pretty quickly so eventually made my way back the way I'd come and returned home. . . cooked up the last of the mushrooms with yet another huge fried sausage, bread and beans lunch . . . slept for a few hours until around 4am and woke with a headache and feeling a little queezy for a while . . . PCd a bit of this, although I'm not sure why. . .walked at 7pm and almost all the snow had melted and gone . . . touched base with BB . . .LB popped in briefly bearing a little food in exchange for my promising to feed the cats on the weekend. . . ate garlic sausage sandwiches . . . TV/PCd till early. Smoked rather a lot today - like I haven't cut down at all! ps
28 - Awake around 5am again and then up around 7am . . .walked and found 7p . . . orange juice and muesli breakfast . . .gave Sally some worming tablets wrapped up in some of the weird cheese left over from when BB was here. Wow that stuff stinks!! . . . lay down to nap but roused by next door calling at the door. They are getting rid of their old microwave oven and wanted to know if I wanted it. Um - err-yes please. They'd let me have it tomorrow morning . . . messed around a little in the conservatory tidying some stuff up just a little. So much junk out there (all those louvered doors next door gave me) I can hardly walk through!! Dismantled a couple of old push bike wheels, sawed them up and put them in the bin. . . LB popped down asking me to give her guy a hand putting her old fridge freezer into the back of her car. Only took a minute. She briefly called me on the phone before they left saying there was a steak and kidney pie in her microwave if I wanted it when I went up to feed the cats later . . . cooked up another big fried sausage, bread, eggs and beans lunch . . . napped and didn't wake until around 7pm!! . . . walked . . . fed LBs cats. Big crash from upstairs as I did so!!? Had a peek up in her bedroom - looked as though one of the cats had dislodged a mirror from her dressing table and it had slid down to the floor, luckily without breaking. I left it all where it was - nothing to do with me (although of course I ended up all paranoid that she may have thought I'd been 'rummaging' in her bedroom!!) . . . BB called . . . drank a beer and ate LBs donated steak and kidney pie and then a couple of bowls of cornflakes before bed just after midnight. pd
29 - Woken around 5am by a neighbour over opposite stood outside his door and banging and banging and banging for ages before someone let him in!!! Grrrrr! Something weird about that household. Tossed and turned for an hour or so before snoozing on some more . .woken by Sally around 8am . . . popped up, drew the curtains and fed LBs cats . . . walked just before 9am in the sub zero temperatures under a sunny blue sky down through Eastville Park and up onto Purdown to sit by the ruined monument again. Nice in the sun but ruined by a small group of people nearby with nets and a ferrett!! Looked like they were after trying to kill some rabbits! :o( Thankfully I didn't see them get any - probably none left!! Hard enough for them what with the foxes and birds of prey, never mind idiots with ferrets. :o(. . back home around 11:30am. Found 15p. . . called next door to pick up the microwave. A 'Sharp Carousel II' - great big thing - better condition than mine! Sadly they couldn't find the instruction book so experiments to see if it's powerful enough and maybe better than mine will have to wait . . . PCd this . . . cooked up the LB donated food (potatoes, beans, peas, pork steak) with some gravy . . . napped for a few hours . . . walked and found 2p . . .touched base with BB . . .ate sandwiches and crisps . . . PS popped round for chats, coffee and biscuits till early. ps
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