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1 - Surfed until 3AM. Jeeze . . I've racked up a £86.83 phone bill for one month!!! I'll be eating bread and drinking water for the rest of the month - damn - it's the first day of the month! Spent the day trying to stay OFF line, making guitar noises and hiding some about my website. Looks like Sis2 has got her computer sorted at last.(Hello Sis2)
2 - Sat about and did pretty much nothing all day. Got the 'blue cd' photos back all ok. Mum and Dad have gone on holiday. Stayed off the phone as much as I could but succumbed late on, since SH told me how to change the hit counter colours a bit at least, changed my feedback form and made it noisy too. Making a mistake and forgetting the server is case sensitive, cost me an hour of tearing my hair out! Woaw . . .just got a phone call from M/D/Sis2 to say they've arrived and all is ok. Nice one.
3 - Dreadful nights sleep waiting for the gale to blow the house down. LB phoned and told me about a sad toad out in the street near her car so I rushed out, 'saved' it and put it in the back garden by the pond. Down day spent mostly asleep on the setee. Had a beer and played with the sounds, trying to make them as small as possible, sacrificing quality to improve download times. Did a neat AtoZ page but dunno quite why.
4 - Up and down, up and down....its enough to make you sea sick! Next mood swing in ?? minutes! Downloaded and installed CServe Instant Messenger and was 'talking' to M/D/Sis2 almost immediately...nice one. Irish music on Tara TV was uplifting. Ended up staying up till the early hours reading stuff on Emmekes Music,Madness&Mayhem web sight. Wow...a special lady.
6 - Madness . . .absolute madness. It's early evening and the last time I really noticed, it was lunchtime . .which I didn't bother with. Spent hours and hours doing the guitar page. As a break I did the space page and then I did more guitar wavs just to drive me crazy as I constantly paw over my own site!!! I'm cracking up . . 'I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so da da da da da da da' !!!!
7 - More of the same. I'm gonna burn out soon . . .it's gonna have to happen at this rate.
8 - PCd of course. Stopped for lunch and fell asleep on the setee. Woken up by a phone call from M/D who went on about how I should go and visit Sis2 and maybe work and ...and....I ended up getting real low cause I couldn't see any future for 'me' anywhere nor any point in bothering doing anything anyhow! Chatted to TS . . stayed on the PC till late/early being silly with Jpegs!
9 - Woke up late feeling shakey and unwell. Down day aggravated by starting to review my work years and old e-mails etc.! IHB phoned - his wife's away and he wanted some "adult" company in the evening once his kids were abed!!!? Blimey . . . I took beers from the fridge and walked over in the warm dark night air dodging the bats flying over the cycle path . . I'm getting old and can't hear them any more! We chatted, we drank a couple, listened to Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here', I smoked all his tobacco, I acted bouncy, and even had a bit of a go on his baby son who happily threw up all over IHB's shirt . . not mine. As suspected things have been better. . . deep concern! Walked home in the early hours, nervous in the blacked out tunnel under Fishponds, with the police helicopter hovering somewhere up ahead and dark shadows behind! Received an e-mail from TS telling of hopeful news. Trying to think appropriately just in case Hocus Pocus can help. Home alone.....
10 - Woken up real early by the noisy bin men. Felt awful! Hung over on only two beers . .can't be? Felt better after food in the evening. 'PCd' all day ha ha!
11 - Another day locked in my bedroom with my PC looking at the past instead of the spring sunshine. I need to get my work life demise/'personality disorder' on the website, as if in catharsis. There is much to type/review/regret/be thankful for. Typed briefly with M/D/Sis2 before they set off, four hours each way, to see Washington DC. Long drive! Not envious. Stayed up till the early hours 'tweaking' files.
12 - Woke up feeling 'good'!!!? Checked the PC for mail and had one from TS, which sounded like good news for her. . . I was pleased and played with the idea that hocus-pocus had worked! It was sunny and I ended up sitting on the patio in my suntrap for most of the morning wearing not much, almost snoozing in the spring sun. It was positively hot and life was unusually positively good. It felt like the first day of the year. The garden was starting to erupt into life with buds and light green shoots and blue flowery things that seem to have appeared almost overnight. Even the surface of the pond was broken by the protrusion of a dozen or more, tiny green reed tips. Flies, bees and even a butterfly were welcome, albeit brief visitors. With my eyes closed against the glare I became aware of the rich tapestry of sound woven around me. A beautiful birdsong drew my attention and as I listened I began to unpick the threads of its accompaniment. Many distant church bells seeming to proclaim with equal joy the arrival of spring; a worried dog barking; a propeller driven airplane at some great altitude; a referees whistle calling time on some dirty game; as always the almost ever present sound of someone's car alarm honking; happily distant children playing noisily. My doorbell. . it was PS who suggested going for a drink. Excellent! He drove us to a crowded riverside pub out past Keynsham and we had a beer. I haven't eaten much of late and it went straight to my head as we sat and chatted at an outdoor riverside table and looked at the pretty things - especially her wearing the hat! I couldn't grasp how it was, that the river never stops, as I watched the water flow over the weir. How could it be that there is so much water . . 'always'. We surprised ourselves by taking all the empties on our table back to the bar and left for another pub he knew on the river, nearer Bath. I had another beer and we stood outside watching the maneuverings of a couple of canal barges and tried to figure out where they go to the loo and how it may be disposed of. All the while the river flowed slowly by, brown. Eventually dropped off back home rather tipsy on only two beers and somehow threw together a lunch of chips, two pieces of bread and butter and a three eggs and two onions omelet. A huge amount of food! The considerable effort involved in eating it all demanded that I immediately sleep on completion although I knew I was running a risk of losing my good mood. . .I woke up on the settee a couple of hours later and the first day of spring seemed to have gone! It was nice while it lasted . . . Watched TV. PCd later.
13 - Woke about eight thirty, got on the PC by ten and typed all day! Stopped about six because LB popped in to tell me she has a new job @ £15k . . . easy for some!!!! Went out and bought milk, ate veggie sausage and mash, had a glass of wine and got back on and finished 'Life Can Be Dead Funny' apart from the possible never ending tweaking. Had another glass to celebrate . . . .ha.
14 - Couldn't resist it any longer. Pulled money out of the building society and bought a scanner for £69. Jeeze I feel guilty buying a 'non essential' . . .first time in years. Had to buy groceries so bought the cheapest everything. Installed it and then tried to do a de-frag on the PC but left on the 'check drive' check box...it sat there whirring away for four hours while I fell asleep on the setee before I woke up, gave up, killed it and did it again without. LBs sister up the road had her car broken into yet again ...nothing left to take but loads of damage to the door, prised open, frame kinked. I live too near the council ghetto! Spent the evening playing with photos . . some sadness. Where did I go wrong?
15 - Woke feeling hungry...haven't eaten since only soup yesterday midday. Another spring day . . .in the morning sat in the garden in the sun ... a crow watching me from the tree no more than ten feet away(unusual!!)...had to eat...cheese and onions on toast for lunch about one o'clock and then fell asleep on the setee about three. LB phoned and wanted here hedge cut back so they can see the cars being broken into ...makes no sense with shut curtains but I obliged with my secateurs...an escaped long tailed parrot with a short future, flying around outside squawking! I identified with it. A beautiful orange sunset! M/D are home ok after having eaten their way around North Carolina. LB wined and cooked for me....too much wine, at least I'm still sober...home by eleven....I want to sleep for ever, I could live with that. Mood is linked to food.
16 - Went to the library in Hanham and used their PC to look at my website to see how others may see it...got a book on JAVA...bought a bag of chips for lunch and felt guilty spending 90p...popped into D&SHs on the way back...finished putting hedge cuttings in bins...feeling down/pointless/tired always so tired.
17 - Disturbed nights sleep...got up early ...fell asleep almost immediately on the setee till eleven!!!! Had mail telling me that I was 'placed upon a short list of candidates' and that 'enquiries will now be made into eligibility, health and other matters. Consequent upon their satisfactory completion, a final offer of appointment will be made. Starting salary £8256'...I don't know how I feel about that. I 'should' be pleased I suppose. I dunno that I am. Feel very down. PCd.
18 - Found frog spawn in the pond...joyous wonderful. Very, very down as the day wore on. Bad one.
19 - Sat in the sun in the garden trying not to hear selfish ignorant neighbors with loud radios. Hated. Typed. Eat. Slept.
20/21/22 - There are days when the very act of yet again having woken up is the source of the greatest of despair.
23 - "When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won." Felt a little better. . .PS came round for a drink . . . I had a couple and acted happy.
24 - Still going over and over old baggage . . . dunno why/how it can suddenly renew like that and be as crushing as the time it happened!! Tried hard to do something, anything...even sat at the PC for fifteen minutes but couldn't type a thing, couldn't think of a reason to, so ended up by 11am trying to be asleep for the rest of the day. Largely succeeded!
25/26 - Just another pointless day.
27 - And another. Went to the library just to get 'out' .... read magazines. Ian Dury died this day.
28 - 'I have a soul of lead so stakes me to the spot I cannot move...' . . . and then I had a smoke and I was another me . . .quick, quick do something . . . walked to the Fox and had a beer with ML and co. and smoked cigarettes and got a lift back which was nice and SH popped in for a coffee and a chat and I felt ok and I want to talk to everyone I ever knew cause right now, right this minute I can. I don't want to go to sleep cause I will probably wake up the other me again ...What is this that I am?
29 - Just another pointless day, the majority of it slept away...and then I noticed that a new CGI has been added to the Freenetname servers for Guestbooks, so up till 3am playing!!!!
30 - Okish day. £54 phone bill this month . . .bad but better. Cable say there is a five week waiting list for their 'surf unlimited' subscription service!!!!!!? Typed, PCd and PS came round later.
31 - Typed some of my 'baggage'! Slept the afternoon away. Is the day over yet . . .? Smoked and then up late chatting to TS on the PC.