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March
1 - Woke up around 3am by hunger and strange noises from my stomach! . . . ate a little . . . PCd for hours trying to work things out and write the last couple of days of this! Dare I? Couldn't face trying to reply to outstanding e-mails. Some may go unanswered. I feel the need to 'contract' - I have overreached myself.
Pure f***ing AvPD!!!!!!!!
Eventually managed to sleep the day away. . . Forced myself to PC in the early hours and have a chat with EB. Felt things were somewhat resolved and made clear. Felt 'happier'. Special lady. These events have proved to me how totally and utterly screwed up I really am. I have made no progress with any of my 'stuff' at all! The slightest little thing can bring me to my knees and see me acting like some immature hurt little boy. Pathetic. Embarassing. I don't know what I can do except hide away. (2/10)
2 - Couldn't sleep and ended up watching TV and forcing down some food until after dawn . . .Eventually got to sleep only to be woken before midday by a phone call. Didn't answer it. Felt very tired. Had a sandwhich and fell asleep again. Woken again by the phone but managed to snooze through it and fall asleep again. Woke up late afternoon TVd and ate . . . feel better. Feel as though I totally 'lost the plot' there for a while - again! Unfortunate reminder of how I get and how nothing has changed - except maybe for the worse! Much confusing food for thought . . . Determined to try and catch up on e-mails but PS phoned to say 'tonight?' so they'll have to wait. Guess I could use some real life company - to drag me back to a bit of 'reality'! . . . PS popped round for chats till early. LB popped in briefly for coffee. As I was seeing PS out some 'youths' across the street were trying to kick the wing mirror of LBs sisters car. I was FORCED to act!! God what a coward am I - but I had to do something. I shouted threatening obsenities and ran over. I could see no damage (thank god) and simply shouted more threats at them as they walked away. Oh thank god they walked away!!!! Trembling terribly with adrenalin and trying not to let it show to LB, I returned inside fully expecting big trouble if they had seen where I lived.Thankfully there was none. . . PCd and chatted to EB till early.(3/10)s
3 - To bed about 8:30am!!! . . . woke real late with a BIG headache. Shifted with lots of Anadins . . . TVd/PCd . . . ate sausage and chips from the shop . . .touched base with SH and said I wouldn't be going to the computer fair cause I'll be asleep!!!! . . . PCd till early reading excellent psych. sites and watching the Australian Grand Prix live on the TV alongside.A marshall died. . . chats with EB till early. (3/10)
4 - Bed around 9am . . . disturbed by a phone call but slept on till late afternoon! . . . touched base with M/D to hear any news. Sis2's optimistic bubble has burst again so it seems - as did something unpleasant in her ear??!Oh dear! Does anyone have any 'good' news, EVER!!! . . . awfull headache and feeling of exhaustion all day. No amount of Anadins would shift it - it's one of those that only sleep will . . . TVd . . . PCd. SO behind with e-mail replys I feel guilty, but I just don't feel I have the strength to think, or sit for hours typing! Chatted till early! (3/10)
5 - Slept the day away . . . shopped for food. Cold out but good to see the sun . . . PCd all night. Chatted with BB/EB till early. (4/10)
6 - Up late . . . PCd.Breakfast chat with EB. More traumas on the Yahoo list. Chatted with SA. Received a classic AvPD "Goodbye . .have a good life" mail from BB. God knows I've sent a few like that in the past - even down to the same phrasiology!!!! Serves me right then. They hurt - I thought they would. Turned the PC off, thought through stuff and cried. . . ML popped in for coffee. Managed to appear cool . . . lots of soul searching and crying. Concluded I am totally unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster I have been riding of late. I AM absolutely AvPD. It IS absolutely right that I should live as I do - alone. I simply cannot handle anything else. My vicarious existance in cyberspace ends here. I don't like it, but there are times when reality has to be faced. I have to be me whatever little that amounts to . . . PCd with my mind made up. Chatted with EB and said goodbye! Heartbreaking!! Recovered and unsubbed from the Yahoo lists. E-mailed variations of "have a good life" where appropriate. Tidied up generally . . . I guess it's just me , myself and I again then. As it always will be. It hurts - but I guess at least I can handle that - I've had a lot of practice. What damage have I wrought!! (2/10)s
7 - Ooops!! (<1/10)s
8 - (1/10)
9 - Scared. Recognised the need to do something quick!! Got an appointment and went to see the doctor. As usual my doc was on holiday so I was fitted in to see someone else. Usual awfull humiliation especially when he said he didn't have time to discuss anything because I'd been fitted in as an extra. Told him I wanted the minimum dose so he wrote out a script for Fluoxetine 20mg daily. So - I'm back on the Prozac then!! As suggested I booked a double appointment to see my doctor in a couple of weeks. I HATE being on medication but I am determined to stay on it now for as long as I am allowed. I've tried to deal with my stuff without and failed miserably. I haven't moved for the last three years or more. Using the PC has been my crutch - take away the PC and I fall over. I haven't the strength and can't see the point in doing ANYTHING else. How can you possibly ever win if you are always fighting against yourself. . . Prozac before bed.(>1/10)p
10 - Here we go then - the strange dull ache behind my eyes - the irresistable need to sleep at a moments notice. Bloody medication! If only I could sleep until it works . . . TVd . . . trouble with chain smoking instead of eating. (>1/10)p
11 - (1/10)p
12 - (1/10)ps
13 - Big headache all day. Asleep and awake in front the TV in two hour shifts until around midnight when the headache suddenly disappeared. To bed around 3am. Tossed and turned.(1/10)p
14 - Up around 10am. TVd. Sis1 popped in for chats and fish and chips from the local shop . . . threw up. TVd till early. Stayed awake all day . . . forced myself to wash up the dishes - I had to - I'd used them all. Difficulty sleeping.(2/10)p
15 - Woke up feeling ify but felt 'better' by early afternoon after a shower. Did some overdue washing chores . . . TVd . . . touched base by phone with CW&LB&M/D whos long awaited new sofa was delivered at last . . . plugged the ansaphone back in . . . PS popped in for chats till early. Usual trouble sleeping. (2/10)ps
16 - Can't believe the Prozac can be working already? - but I do feel somewhat more 'accepting', maybe? . . . PCd just a bit . . . felt good for a while . . . fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . TVd watching all the 'Red Nose' comic relief programs until early. (3/10)ps
17 - TVd all day. Slept a bit. LB popped in to borrow a hammer and pliers for her room decorating project . . . LB drunk popped in late for chats and more drink till early. Had a few myself which went straight to my head!! Very cold and a little snow on the ground outside when she left! (3/10)ps
18 - TVd and slept all day. . . touched base with M/D, TS, ML by phone. PCd a little. . . to bed after 2am but couldn't sleep so got up and TVd till after 4am. (2/10)p
19 - Up at 9am awake but feeling tired . . . TVd and slept . . . PCd a little. Touched base with BB by phone and explained some stuff . . . PS popped in for chats till early. (2/10)ps
20 - PCd and chatted with BB a little . . . lots of sleet and snow outside . . . terrible headache. Tried to sleep it off but to no avail. Felt increasingly 'ill' , down, dizzy and nauseas as the day wore on. Difficulty sleeping with a bowl next to the bed trying not to throw up after having taken the tablet.(<2/10)p
21 - Woke around 8am still not feeling too well . . . felt a bit better as the day wore on. Touched base with Sis1 who has also been 'down'!! Something in the air?. . . went for a kebab . . . TVd. (2/10)p
22 - BW popped in briefly to say hello!! . . . shopped for food . . . can't be bothered to cook so went for sausage and chips . . . TVd. (2/10)p
23 - Shopped for food. Deliberately stopped and sat on a seat amongst the crowds, and had a cigarette. A crazy guy sat next to me having an in depth conversation with himself! He seemed happy enough which seemed ironic! . . . tried to read a little . . .PCd a bit . . . JB popped in. Haven't seen her for ages. She looked different - older - and pregnant of course. Felt strange chatting to her, like someone else was in the room aswell. I'll never know what it is to be expecting a child. Women are pretty amazing creatures . . .TVd and PCd a bit till early. (3/10)ps
24 - Sat about . . .tried to read . . . TVd . . . LB called and asked me if I wanted to save a toad she'd found while moving slabs in her garden. Rushed up and found a large female with a male holding onto her back - in the act? There was no seperating them so I popped them in a plastic container and relocated them to my garden. They seemed ok and the female slowly crawled off under a plant with the male still clung firmly onto her back!! Returned the container and found another large toad and relocated that safely to my garden too, away from LBs cats and polecat! Nice one . . . fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . TVd. The tremors and skin irritation presumeably caused by the Prozac seems to have started up. Itchy!! . . . PCd till early. (3/10)p
25 - Big headache that wouldn't go . . . TVd and took Anadins all day! . . . PCd before bed. (3/10)p
26 - Slept the day away. . .TVd . . . PS popped round till early. (2/10)ps
27 - Slept the day away. . . M/D phoned to tell of the death of some unknown relative. Who? . . . TVd . . . feel very down/'avoidant'!!!! (<2/10)ps
28 - Spent the morning printing out some stuff from the web site as an explanation for the doctor of my current position rather than have to try and explain how I feel in person and make a fool of myself again! Dropped it off at the surgery for him to read before my appointment tomorrow . . . Slept . . .CW phoned to touch base . . . TVd . . . trouble sleeping. (2/10)ps
29 - Woke up real early VERY anxious about having to go see the GP? Walked to the surgery and arrived all hot, sweaty and shaking with nerves?!!! He had read what I'd printed out and seemed relatively positive about how more and more people are going to see him after having researched their own problems. He seemed somewhat at a loss about where I could go from here which was kinda funny. I told him all about my self diagnosis and the research I'd done into AvPD and HE asked ME what treatment was possible??!!! I more or less forced him to agree there really is 'no hope' for treating AvPD!!! We agreed that my depression is the thing to focus on so he agreed that staying on the Prozac maybe long term was the thing to do with the possibility of increasing the dosage if it doesn't work soon. Got a repeat perscription and made another appointment for a months time. Left feeling sort of 'ok' about things . . .wanted to sleep but couldn't. Got the bike out and rode to the dogs home. Walked the long term resident GSD 'Caeser'. A long walk down the riverside path to the park for a cigarette and then back. A wonderful dog, very friendly with people - BUT - EXTREME aggression towards other dogs!! Every dog we came near he would try and savage!! Even the police had rejected him apparantly! All the more funny then when we passed a small flock of geese stood on the riverside path. Straining on the leash he nosed up towards them inquisitively. They hissed at him and one of them all wings a flapping started pecking at him and actually chased him away with his tail between his legs pecking at his back!!!! Hilarious. If only he was ok with other dogs. He could NEVER be let off the lead! Tempting. If only - but no!!! . . . stopped off at a pet shop just to see the price of dog food and bowls . . . popped in to D+SH for coffee and chats . . . TVd. (4/10)ps
30 - Read a bit . . . slept . . . TVd. (3/10)p
31 - Read a bit . . . slept . . . TVd. (2/10)ps
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