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March
1 - Blah blah blah blah blah. Tired of the sound of my own thoughts! . . . walked and found 2p. Carried on walking and walked Sally up into the Kingswood shops. She did some awful devil dog antics every time she saw another dog, barking and straining on tbe leash - she's getting worse!? Wish Amazon would hurry up and send those books - need to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Returned home and left Sally there and walked all the way back up to shop, briefly stopping at the nearby building site to see if whoever owned the car knew someone had smashed his window. Apparantly it was done last night, a brick was thrown through the window, and the owner knew - strange he didn't do anything about it like try and cover the missing window with plastic and sweep up the glass or something? Stopped in the computer shop to see if he'd got the infa red keyboards with built in mouse pad in stock yet but he confirmed he wasn't getting any more of the type I wanted - that he WAS still advertising on his website! Useless as usual! . . . slept for a couple of hours . . .worked out how much I'd spent last night with the VAT and how much I need to give LB. SH called reminding me it was the computer fair Sunday - said I WAS in the mood to be spending money there! Eager to get this new machine up and running . . . walked - wow is it cold, but dry at least . . . TVd/PCd till late. (4/10)ps
2 - Woken by cuddly dog! . . . icy outside but a clear blue sunny sky - what joy to see some sunshine! . . .walked and played with a tennis ball - found 3p - walked a little extra cause it was real nice to be out in the sun, despite how cold it was . . . distracted Sally out in the garden with a defrosted bone and did chores and hours of vacuuming up dog hair wearing my special 'dog-hair-vacuuming-shoes' - scuff, scuff, scuff the hair into a ball and pick it up and bin it before vacuuming! Stupid dog lay on the garden chewing her bone with her tail in the pond! M/D called to touch base. Briefly popped up LBs and gave her the 63 I'd spent at Makro. Carried on vacuuming for ages - must have scuffed the equivalent of walking miles! . . . messed around and finally got my butt in gear and had another go experimenting with the new PC and the TV. Yayyyyyy at last - got me a duplicate of my desktop displayed on the TV! :o) Blurry and colour bleached on the Windows/software display despite large fonts and increased DPI settings but it DOES work real nice with full screen video! Ooooh, ooooh, ooooh. Much food for thought - uh oh, I can feel an increasing desire to buy a new big screen TV and an infrared keyboard , and, and ,and - need to walk and find more pennies!!!! :o) . . .BB called to touch base . . .walked and found 2p . . . TVd till late. (5/10)ps
3 - Woken by Sally but managed to get another hours sleep with her cuddled up laying next to me - up late . . . walked and played ball in the sunny spells . . . PCd and added some things I could remember to the list . . .SH picked me up and we went to the computer fair. Definitely the place to buy stuff - cheaper than any local shop - lots of nice shiny toys. Managed to resist going crazy and ended up just buying a black BTC wireless IR multimedia keyboard with built in mouse for 28 and a pair of cheap nasty mains powered stereo speakers because they were only 3! SH treated me to a burger, which sadly treated me to a stomachache for the rest of the day! Stopped off at SH for coffee and chats and then dropped off home. PCd so SH could test out his new webcam by doing his first netmeeting. Eventually unpacked the new keyboard and speakers and fitted them up to the new machine with my old, old monitor temporarily in the bedroom. At last - a whole machine without having to pillage hardware from the old. Keyboard seemed to work okish. Clever. Next phase of operations was to try networking them up again. Popped a network card in the old machine and tested it with the laptop and hey presto - same old problems I had last time I tried networking it!!! Grrrrr. Hangs for ages on boot, doesn't close down properly, sometimes finds the other PC and then stubbornly doesn't find the network ever! I really have no knowledge of how to set the machine up properly but can't help but wonder if the network card is faulty - one minute it does work the next it doesn't? Round and round in frustrating circles for the rest of the day getting nowhere, briefly stopping to walk and feed Sally. Car driving round the neighbourhood driven by a couple of punks in the dark with no lights - in fact with pretty much no front end at all!!! As I walked back past where the car had been parked up in a front yard I saw a policeman knocking at the door but I overheard him saying he was there to get someone to sign a bail warrant or something? SO tempted to tell him about the car driving but no way without revealing myself as a target for retribution! Always did think there was something funny going on with the occupants of that house - thought they were dealing drugs what with all the brief comings and goings. . . Eventually gave up with the PCs and grabbed a bite to eat myself before watching some of the grand prix and then bed. . .noise outside - some 'kid' on a pushbike struggling down the road with a large traffic cone stolen from somewhere, probably the building yard up the street. (4/10)p
4 - Walked, played ball and found 4p. Walked on down to the doctors surgery with Sally and picked up my repeat prozac perscription . . . back home for more wrestling with the PCs but same result - sometimes the PC hints it can see the other PC and then seconds later for no apparant reason it sees no network at all - not even itself!??? Swapped the desktop PC network card and same results so it isn't THAT card. Really infuriating and frustrating - especially when the help files are no help at all! How to learn? Reset, reboot, hang - reboot, reset, hang!!! Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!! . . . awful headache - slept but fitfully (think the phone rang -BB?-but no messages) and woke with the same nasty head! Coffee, annadins and cigarettes in the garden then more PCing but same results . . . BB called to touch base . . . walked. Mild night and quite pleasant to be out walking but somehow, somewhere along the line I think I walked into the 'twilight zone'! The vandalised phonebox was gone - completely disappeared overnight!! Carried on walking and went in the kebab shop for the first time in ages. As I stood waiting for my kebab I spotted a guitar just propped up against a wall over the road? A group of youths all stood outside so I asked one of them what on earth it was doing there and joked if it was any good I'd have it. He went across the road and looked and called out one string was missing - I walked across and said I'd have it then - no one made any suggestions otherwise so I picked it up and carried it back into the kebab shop and eventually ended up struggling home with Sally, a kebab and a guitar!!???? Bizarre. It is cheap and nasty and definitely in need of a little work on the action and such but good enough to play about with I think. . . TVd till late. (4/10)paas
5 - Licked awake with a headache . . . walked . . .PCd. Surfed a bit the links DS had mailed me, reading up on setting up a network. But I did all that?!!! Did it again over and over and same bizarre unpredictable results!! Before I knew it, it was mid afternoon! TEARING MY HAIR OUT!! Rang SH and asked if I could borrow a different network cable, just in case mine was dicky! Leapt in the car and drove straight up there (after getting lost in Kingswood and ending up trapped in the Safeway car park!!!! Well - I normally walk and wasn't expecting all those new one way systems!). Grabbed a cable and sockets and such and rushed back home to end up with the same 'random' behaviour from the PC!!!??? SH popped in and did a laying on of experienced hands but even he after a few hours admitted that something weird was going on. Hmmm - gonna have to try and test each piece bit by bit but it really does seem as though my PC may have a 'hickup' going on. Loathed to touch the new machine, and maybe mess that up, until I have this sorted!! Grrrrrrr. Broke open the old, OLD 233mhz PC and fitted the network card in that and connected it up to the laptop and after a few crashes and 'windows safe mode' excursions da DAAAA - got it all working!!!! :o) So it wasn't the cards or the cable or my lack of knowledge - it IS something squiffy with my desktop PC!!!!!!! Exactly the one I need to network to transfer all my files. Sods law - but a relief to know I am on the right track and have narrowed the problem down.Guess I'll be doing hard drive swaps and new installs and such to try and figure out the problem without losing all my stuff? Hard days night - 8pm - time for a break and a long dog walk and maybe- who knows - some food for myself! Only Sally has regular meal times and a routine! . . .walked/ate/TVd . . .LB called - her housesitter had developed an allergy to her cats and had bailed out of staying at her house for the next few days and feeding the cats!! Damn - of course I will!! Grrrr . . . very tired and early to bed just after 10pm but feeling a bit happier about the direction I am going with the PCs! (4/10)pa
6 - Woke all bunged up and choking around 4:30am! That'll teach me to spend the day chain smoking while I PC! Eventually gave up trying to get back to sleep and got up around 6am only to end up back on the PC and smoking with my coffee! . . . walked. Fed the dog and then LBs cats and the polecat! Inevitably fell asleep for the rest of the morning! . . . Touched base with M/D and said thank you for the photos they had sent in the post . . . sat around doing nothing and having a day off from the PCs! SH popped in briefly talking VB but I was no help at all . . . walked/fed animals. Walking and feeding seems to be taking about two hours or more a day!!!? Sally was in playful mood again and we BOTH spent a large part of the evening on all fours wrestling with the 'ball on a rope' toy! (4/10)ps
7 - Fed all the animals although LBs crowd seem to be eating very little in her abscence and I see no point in throwing too much away so just topped up their bowls a little - gosh that poor polecat stinks! Damned thing sank it's teeth into my hand as I picked it up - had to do that forcing my fingers into the corners of it's mouth thing to get it to let go! Sharp! . . . at last some nice warm sunny weather - drove Sally down to Snuff Mills and did a 'proper' walk along the river. Really weird sight in a tree - a pair of shoes tied together and hanging from the laces but grown into a mass of moss - comfortable shoes! Felt stupid having to answer the mobile and walk along talking to Sis1 as people and other dogs walked by as I had to try and keep devil dog under control! Sis1 talking about going down to see M/D on 'Mothering Sunday' but I'd already broached the subject and Mum seemed more than happy for us NOT to turn up cause of the likely crowds and busy roads etc. and because we were only down there the other day so it seems - only 'so much' to talk about. After talking to M/D, Sis1 reluctantly agreed we wouldn't bother - especially seeing as how Sis2 is making noises about coming over later in the month whilst Dad is still 'all there' and ok! . . . stopped off at Currys to try and learn what wide screen digital TVs are all about. Still none the wiser - can I use a 'digital' TV as a digital PC monitor or not?!! Who cares - expensive TVs!! . . . back home asked a neighbour if I could have the old plastic paint tub that was being thrown away I'd spotted in his garden. He said sure and joked he could have given me lots - he seems to be a decorator! Spent a while in the garden 'making snow' (Scraping off the writing and such with a sharp stanley blade and sawing off the handle and drilling some drainage holes) as Sally chewed a defrosted 'past it's best' smelly bone!!! - now have another plain white container perfect for planting stuff. Need to buy some stuff though - maybe a couple of those miniature fir trees for a couple of s and put them in the front yard either side of the bay window? How 'old manish' is that!!!!!!! :o) Bit of sunshine makes my day brighter for sure . . .left Sally at home and shopped for food and a mothers day card. Found 2p. . . fell asleep for a few hours after half a dozen bowlsfull of corn flakes, a pint of milk and half a packet of light brown sugar!!!!! Woken by PS calling. . . fed the cats. Walked and fed Sally. Really nice to see a police car parked near the school although when I walked back they were in buying chips at the chip shop so maybe they were just passing hungry - just passing is an improvement on just nowhere around! . . PS popped round for chats and growls till early. . . visitor book entry on the website that really managed to get my back up - not sure why!! Something to do with the arrogance of the person I think - "where is the privacy of your mind?" - am I hereby judged to be SO little! :o| . . . PCd till early. (4/10)pas
8 - Woken after far too little sleep by Sally around 8am . . . fed Sally and went and fed LBs cats. When I let him out the polecat ran straight into LBs kitchen and poohd on the carpet! Heh, heh, heh. :o) Cleared it up with a garden trowl lying in the garden for the purpose but succeeded in breaking the handle! Ooops. . . posted a card to Mum and walked Sally all the way down to the river Avon at Hanham - she seemed in another funny mood with lots of straining on the leash. Grey and overcast but nice enough. Another bike dumped! I've passed it several times over the last months but figured today I'd take it home and either use it if it was any good after washing, or throw it away - a black hooded fleece type thing dumped in a hedge next to the river. Felt strangely guilty picking it up and stuffing it into a plastic carrier bag I'd taken in my pocket for just that reason. On the way back I decided to have a closer look at what appeared to be a security spot light dumped in a wooded area. Hopped over a stream with Sally in tow and yes - a large 500watt PIR security light without a mounting bracket!!? Carried on home with a bulging carrier bag - after a short stop to retreive devil dog who had disappeared crashing through the undergrowth in pursuit of a cat! Ok - I admit I DID point out the cat to her - cause, well - the cat was hunting birds and mice and stuff - seemed only fair it should learn what that is like - no way would Sally actually catch it. She'd be a hungry wolf in the wild for sure. . . ate a sandwhich and fell asleep for a couple of hours as the washing machine struggled with the dirty fleece thing. Seems a bit 'weather worn' but probably usable! . . . took the PIR light apart and attached a cable and gingerly plugged it in and wow - it works!!! A bit of paint and fabrication of a bracket and - um - where shall I put it? Back yard I guess although it is a bit powerful for such a small yard and it does get SO hot! Found myself a piece of sun. I really am turning into 'Steptoe & Son' - or maybe a 'Womble'! . . .touched base with M/D confirming no show Sunday . . . LB called to say she was home and then popped down bearing some coffee and out of date chocolate things presumeably disposed of by her parents business? Tasty all the same. . . BB called to touch base . . . walked . . . spent a good deal of the day festering over that idiot's visitor book entry!! Funny how I swet the small stuff most!? Seems to me, if you are a decent person who would wish no ill or suffering to anyone, and if you look carefully at the world and all the unpleasantness in it by the act of man, avoidant or schizoid behaviour patterns are a perfectly reasonable and rational reaction!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sad! . . . TVd till late. . . annoying e-mail from Amazon saying one of the books 'has been delayed' and estimating yet another month or more for delivery!! Bloody annoying - changed the option and paid the extra postage and selected 'deliver those that are available NOW!' (4/10)ps
9 - Woken by Sallydog before 7am . . . walked in a shower and found 2p . . . did some house chores. Gales blowing outside again! Just about to start PCing and a ring at the door - PC had called round to visit!! What a surprise - I'd said that when I sold him the bike bits, part of the deal was that he should pop round and show me what he made of them. There he was with a nice hardtail fatbob Harley parked outside. Chats and coffee and dangled a carrot - made him an offer I knew he'd find hard to refuse - the dust covered Harley in my living room, as is, for only 4K. Bargain of the year! I could almost hear his mind working! lol :o) . . . touched base with M/D . . . lay down to nap but the phone rang - PC calling saying he was gonna get the money together. Probably take a while. Looks like after all these years I'll have my living room back. A huge financial loss of course, but kinda like that loss was suffered years ago - to get rid of the millstone around my neck, have my living room back, see it go to a good NCC home AND have some money in the bank? Can't complain. Never would have got Sally to sit still on that pillion seat - every time we passed a cat she'd have been a problem. :o) Fingers crossed - I want it gone . . .M/D called back to confirm Sis2 was gonna fly back over and visit in a few weeks. Touched base with Sis2, who sounds quite unwell, and apparantly unintentionally managed to say all the wrong things. Huh? Reminded her it was mothers day tomorrow. . . finally managed to sleep for a couple of hours . . . walked and popped up the road for milk and the shopkeeper to throw some cut meat over the counter to Sally. Nice guy. Walking back and spotted a toad struggling along the pavement! Relocated it to my garden although I bet it would prefer to be somewhere else - pond is still losing water albeit real slowly. BB called to touch base . . . TVd/PCd till early. Sallydog took it upon herself to investigate the damp patch on the wall in the bedroom beneath the window and decided to remove just a little bit of wallpaper to try and get to the root of the problem!!! Grrrrrr. (4/10)ps
10 - Woken by Sallydog snuggleing and licking before 7am but managed to get another couple of hours sleep before she had another go and woke me up by insisting that my arm pits needed licking!!! Eeeewwwwww!! Difficulty waking up - need more sleep . . .miserable windy wet weather again. . . walked and found two pennies. Finally removed the old plastic paint tub that I'd spotted which was being thrown away in skip and brought it home for more 'snow making' on the patio. Pottered around in the garden filling tubs with soil and transplanting 'Mind Your Own Business' into them all. Touched base with M/D and said happy mothers day and such. Dad has a 'cold'?! . . . fell asleep for a few hours only to wake up all over heating and headachey. Pottered around some more trying desperately to throw some of the stuff away I have cluttering up the conservatory. MUST be more ruthless - filled a large part of the bin up . . . touched base with LB who revealed she may be making a duty free trip in a month or so. Only a week or so supply of cheap tobacco left in my cupboard!! . . . walked . . . TVd. Realised how I have slipped almost unnoticed by me into a VERY schizoid phase - kinda more than I have been for the last couple of years. Some guilt but less concern than I have had - that's ok. Even uploading the journal feels like an intrusion on my withdrawl - blah, blah, blah, zzzzz . . . e-mail from BB who has taken AvPD offence at something I said - again! God I'm tired. I think I'm gonna sleep on this rather than do a knee jerk avoidant/schizoid routine!(3/10)pas
11 - Not a nice thing to wake up to. I can't be dealing with this! . . . walked mulling over stuff. Today feels like a different world . . . balanced my accounts. PCd and removed the ability for people to reach in and hurt me from the website. Closest I've been for a long time to just shutting the damn thing down permanently and walking away from all of whatever it is that it represents for me, and from those few I have come to by it!! Still haven't replied to BB - bad timing on her part for 'avoidant stuff' - not sure if our 'relationship' will survive how I feel right now. I have been transparant and yet am STILL seen as dark glass. Somewhere on AvPD I read that avoidants can become resigned to a life of solitude. I think, on reflection, I've reached that point. Must delay responding until I've 'smoothed out' and am more sure of how I feel. . . sat around agonising and wanting to be asleep . . . PCd . . . ML turned up for a coffee. Hard to pretend I'm out when the phone is engaged and the dog is barking all over the place! Grrr He didn't stay long. . . Sis1 turned up for a coffee!! I wasn't much for talking. BB called to touch base - bad timing - tried to explain how hurt and misunderstood I feel cause of her e-mail but said all the wrong things and couldn't say the things I should. I'm a fool. . . walked . . . TVd till late. E-mail from the ISP saying they are changing things and my e-mail address is gonna change!!!!!!? Wow - fate really is conspiring to help me sever all ties! (2/10)ps
12 - Up around 7:30am . . .walked . . .sat around feeling crappy and not being able to make any decisions about just exactly how withdrawn from who I want to be!! Slept for a couple of hours. . .touched base with Sis1 and reminded her of my request for duty free tobacco when she returns from her holiday, if she can manage it. . . eventually tried to call BB - got an ansaphone so said nothing and hung up - BB called back and I stumbled clumsily through trying to explain a little - I feel misunderstood and yet she understands me more than most - that means quite a lot to me. She means quite a lot to me and yet I was an inch away from severing contact!!! Jeeze it aint easy being this way - makes no sense at all!!!. . .walked and spotted another toad out on the pavement on the way back - rushed it struggling into my garden. . .some playing with Sally - she got real excited and I played a little 'rough' but she seemed to enjoy it!? What a woof. . . TVd till early. Bad couple of days - impossible to fully explain - like a period of madness - it REALLY is!! To think - I used to carry on going to work and trying to function in the past when I got like this, without even knowing anything about what AvPD etc was!! Incredible - don't know how I managed it - have I got worse? I'm slowly coming back to myself - familiar with it now - it usually takes a couple of days, but oh SUCH long days - it's a long way back. (3/10)paass
13 - Up with Sally snuggles and a woof as mail was delivered. Received a letter "I would be grateful if you would advise this office if you are still interested in an appointment with Ministry of Defence at Abbey Wood. Please accept my apologies for the length of time you have been awaiting a posting. This has been due to internal difficulties." - I wont reply - I feel they have 'abused' me. That is no way to treat a person. Two years on? They're taking the piss!! I'll let Sally answer on my behalf! 'Grrrrrrr' In classic avoidant style it is easy to slip into fantasy - so, SO tempting to say I AM still interested and then if they ever actually do invite me up there I could turn up all straight faced in my best work clothes - WITH my dog!!! lolololol :o) . . .walked and found 2p and a pair of nice insulated skiing type gloves! I guess the only difference between me and others is, I can see behind the layers of mud covering them and actually stop and pick these things up! . . .PCd and sorted out the full chronology of the MOD farce just to make sure I am not simply being paranoid and childish. I don't think I am - it doesn't seem an appropriate way for a business to act. . . touched base with M/D. They have got some rope for me from Uncle T - I'd asked Dad to keep an eye out for some rope I could use to make pulling toys for Sally. Dad seems better but mum now has his cold . . . reset the website and opened me up to more abuse - let the petty abusers be damned by a record of their own abuse . . .touched base with BB . . . took Sally in the car and went in search of something to plant in the pots I now have. Got a bee in my bonnet about having a couple of small narrow fir trees with 'mind your own business' growing all around the base. Popped in a garden centre or two and ended up paying 10 for two 'Chamaecyparis Lawsoniana - Ellwoods Gold' trees about a foot or more high. Returned home and planted them in the containers but it didn't end up looking at all like I had imagined and they seemed to be a little less than straight! Oh well - maybe once the 'mind your own business' has grown back up? Put them back into the conservatory for the time being to encourage the growth. . .PCd . . . walked and stopped for sausage and chips on the way back . . . TVd till late. . . SH called to touch base reminding me the computer fair is on again this weekend. (3/10)ps
14 - Up with a Sally laying next to me . . .drove her down to Snuff Mills and walked along the river and roundabout. Gosh it feels cold out especially with the windchill! A huge great log was still teetering on the brink of the waterfall. Must be a metaphor for - um - now let me see?!!!! lol :o) . . .returned PS ansaphone message but too late for him to call round for coffee as he had suggested. . .left Sally eating a bone and walked to shop for food . . . fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . had a gentle prod at the PC still trying to slowly get to the bottom of the lack of networking. Swapped the modem and network cards into different slots but still the same problem - guess that proves - um -?? Gotta be a software thing surely! Need to do housekeeping and back up everything before I go any further . . . walked in the wind and rain. Some nut drving a car around like it was a race track and doing handbrake turns and such. Sally did a devil dog act on some nutcase who was walking across the field - he started lashing out and trying to kick her! Several times!! Of course it made things worse and -well-frankly if that is how one is going to react I couldn't help thinking he deserved it! No excuses for Sally's bad behaviour but she does seem to be a shrewd judge of character! Just walking around these days is a pretty stressfull deal . . . PS popped round for chats till early . . . PCd till earlier! The 17" monitor is hinting it is developing a problem! Bugger! Did at least encourage me to play with the settings and discover I've been using it all this time with an inch less visible screen than I could have -jerk!! Still cant bring myself to be doing any e-mails. Haven't for a while. E-mail from Amazon announcing two of the three dog training books had been dispatched - at last! Need them bad!!(4/10)pas
15 - Up after only about four hours sleep! Feels warmer - wet and misty outside . . .walked without incident . . . tried to sleep but couldn't so got back up and started trying to delete rubbish and temporary files etc etc from the PC. . . parcelforce delivered two of the dog training books from Amazon - Yayyyyy! . . . deleted a good gigabyte or two of rubbish. Biggest complaint I have about software these days - huge numbers of files all over the place and no explanation of what they do and which are not at all necessary . . . PC rang to confirm he'll see me tomorrow -Yayyyy. :o) Looks like a 'yayyyyy' kinda day . . .Carried on deleting loads of files . . . slept for a couple of hours . . . something not right with the fridge noise!! Did an emergency defrost! Spent an hour or so on my knees in front of it with the hair drier melting ice into a bowl with old sheets to mop up the excess. Sally was most helpful and tried to dispose of excess ice by eating it! This seemed like fun so I gave her lots of bits of ice to run off and eat - only later realised she hadn't eaten it at all - small pools of water all over the house! :o) Things definitely not right - all the masses of food I have in there that would last me months seems to be less than frozen!!!! Sally was treated to licking out a tub of melted ice cream. Mopped up and crammed everything back in and fired it back up and - bugger! Definitely not working!!!!!! Huge amounts of food in there - quite an investment - DISASTER!!!! Guess I'll be reading the small print in my household insurance document later! Bet single guys with beards and a devil dog on a rainy day are excluded from claiming anything. BUGGER!!! . . . PCd briefly and definitely a fault developing apace with the monitor - seems to want to be pink! Typical - so much for a 'yayyyyy' kinda day - it's all turned to shit! . . . walked in the rain . . . cooked and then sat and ate a whole pack of beefburgers and shared a pack of sausages with Sally! Breaks my heart to have to throw away food!! The fridge seems to still be 'cool' as it 'tries' to work so I guess at least I'll be allright for keeping milk and such for a couple of days? . . . bizarre feedback from the website! An 'apology' of sorts from the 'ass muncher' character and then within minutes allegedly from someone else "well this may sound stupid to you and you may not pay attention to it but i recently started a band called ******* *******..i did have a guitar once but it was crappy and one day i came home it was gone my mom sold it to make the bills.its all good but my parents have this thing bout rock and they dont wanna get me a guitar ive tryed doing jobs and getting one but as you can see after the twin towers getting a job is really hard all i have is 23 dollars . well my question is would you donate a guitar to me .please it wopuld be like a dream come true please i know i dont know you but i would really like that.please sir .even if you dont pay attention to this i still wanna thank you ..." Outrageous! Maybe I should start e-mailing people I don't know all over the world asking for a new fridge freezer - and food!!!! Outrageous! Scarey. (4/10)ps
16 - Up early with the alarm . . . walked in the mud between rain storms. Just another day in the ghetto! Rang the police on the mobile. . . cooked up a whole pack of sausages for Sally's breakfast!! . . .wiped off layers of dust and put air in the tyres and then took the bike off it's wooden blocks ready for PC when he arrives. A small yearning twist of the stomach - god what a pretty bike - I MUST be mad. Sorted out all the manuals and receipts and paperwork and such. Sat around for a short while but PC and his friend soon arrived almost exactly when they said they would (which I respect). Moved the car so they could park right outside. Moved the bins to make space and discovered an unhappy looking sleeping toad hiding behind the recycling bin - everything had to stop while I relocated it to a toad-cave in the back garden by the pond. Did the deal and counted out the cash - 4k as agreed - what a bargain! Lifted the front door off it's hinges and very painlessly indeed soon had the bike in the back of the van - just a loosening of the handlebar clamp to reduce it's height. Coffee and chats and they were soon on their way. End of an era. Feel ok about it - although swapping a Harley for a new fridge isn't quite what I had in mind!!! . . . rushed straight round the post office and banked the money. Fridge hunting can wait. Asked a woman as I was passing if I could have the big white plastic container laying in her garden. Walked home with another large pot tub to plant something in. . . let Sally have ALL the defrosted bones from the freezer out on the patio - she'll be sick for sure! . . . popped briefly up LBs to help her out of her car with some bags of pea gravel - she has remarkably turned to attending a little to her garden and spent the afternoon spreading the gravel around and planting a few things she had bought, in one of her raised beds - jolly good. . . stuffed myself full of bacon and bacon steaks for dinner - actually feels pretty decadent stuffing myself with such stuff - usually only allow myself one or two slices per meal to make the stuff go as far as possible moneywise. Sally seems to have taken on the proportions of a small barrel full of bone - she celebrated her decadent day of all you can eat bones by drinking from the toilet!!! Ewwwwww!!! That age old bone of contention of a girl moving in with a single guy I guess! - will have to remember to put the toilet seat (and lid) down after I've 'been'!! . . . both fell asleep on a full stomach all afternoon . . . LB popped in briefly and helped herself to some of the food from my freezer as I had suggested - I just can't easily throw stuff away and there is plenty left that will soon have to be. Sally got rather concerned about food being taken away by visitors! . . . sat around waiting until I could face eating some more - I know it makes no sense but Sally's theory, that if you eat everything all at once it'll last you for a week or so, is hard to resist right now!!! :o) . . . walked and checked to see if the stolen car was gone. It was. Wow - did I get through several poop scoopbags!!! . . .sat in the garden for a while after having moved an exposed toad to a dog free safe space. SH called to remind about the computer show. . . couldn't face eating anything despite a rumbling stomach so ended up in the mood to get 'altered'. Had a glass of red wine or two and mellowed and blurred infront the TV - with more space . . .may have got a little bit tipsy! (4/10)psd
17 - Up rather early with a terrible headache. Alcohol really doesn't agree with me at all - no matter how little I have. . . walked . . .Sally had a breakfast of packs of cooked sausages and I had some ham steak sandwhiches - and annadin tablets!! Went back to sleep for a couple of hours to try and dislodge the headache but all to no avail . . . sat around until SH picked me up. Went to the computer show. Invested in a pack of 10 CDRWs for only 7 and then just couldn't resist a seductively black 19" Dell PC monitor for 159. Oh dear - that was really the new fridge money!! Back home and made SH eat some sausage rolls from the freezer. . . LB called asking for help removing the old carpet from her now empty spare room. Helped her tear it up and struggle with it outside into her garden - got covered in dust!!! Yuck! . . . BB called to touch base - I really don't understand people and women least of all!! :o) . . . fired up the new machine in the living room to test out the new monitor - very nice but still too small to sit across the room from it and surf really - shame. . . walked but misjudged the weather and got drenched in a gale! Cooked up a thawed out fishstick dinner for Sally from the increasingly pungent warm freezer and then had me a double microwave beef curry - big food!! Seem to have put on a little weight!! Human food seems to cause Sally lots of wind!! Ewwww, eeeewww, eeeeewwwww!!!!!!. . . sat around being damp and full - maintained my headache right throughout the day no matter how many annadins I popped and ended up going to bed real early. (4/10)aaaaaa
18 - Up before 7am . . . walked quickly to try and miss the awful weather forecast for later - I didn't and got soaked again! Found a penny. . . Sally breakfasted on sausage rolls, peas and vegetarian beefburgers!! I had coffee and cigarettes! . . . Today will have to be operation 'fridge/freezer-hunt'. Had a gentle look through the Argos catalogue and then touched base with M/D asking what they knew about freezers that don't need defrosting? Not sure I understand how that is possible. The more I think about it the more obvious it seems that my freezer has been defective for months(years?). Amazing I haven't been poisoned . . Took Sally in the car and drove to 'Comet' at Longwell Green and browsed all they had there but very soon confirmed my fears - all of them had huge fridges but smaller freezers which for me is definitely the wrong way round - I live out of my freezer - fridge is almost always empty but for butter, milk and a few chocolate bars. Made a note of one that 'could' be acceptable and then headed off for 'Currys' at Fishponds. Aha - found one that seemed to be much more in keeping with my needs - overall smaller than my old one but probably quite adequate. Only two shops and already running out of steam - it's difficult for me to be in any way passionate about life let alone get passionate about shopping, especially for a fridge freezer!! Drove home for coffee and a break. Saw a skip on the way with several plastic paint tubs being thrown away - made a note to have a 'rummage' when walking the dog later. . . sat with a coffee and decided to actually 'use' the internet for a change - surfed all over looking for fridge freezers. Very soon came to the conclusion the one I had seen in Currys was about the best I could hope for (HOTPOINT RF24P - 249.89 inc delivery) so leapt back in the car and went straight down and demanded the salesman sell me something. Did the business with the credit card and was told it would be delivered on Wednesday (I bet not!! - we'll see). Popped in the 'Lidel' cheap shop next door and had a 28" television crisis - wow that is cheap! Managed to resist and headed home - feels SO wrong for me to run around spending money like I have done these last couple of days. . . ate some more meat from the freezer - yuk! . . . BB called to touch base . . . got all obsessed about the cheap house plants I'd seen in the Hanham 'Lidel' the other day and really into shopping mode now, decided to get back in the car and go and buy one. Got in the store and - damn - they were all gone - hang on, no they weren't!! What few were left had been moved and had been marked down to half price!!! Sorted through them all and grabbed a couple of what I figured looked quite nice without a thought as to what they were and was soon heading home with two huge plants in the passenger footwell for 9.98 the pair. Bargain. Couldn't resist and stopped off near the skip I'd seen earlier and leapt out and grabbed a couple of paint pots - sadly one was still full of paint and had a split in the top so the old carpet covering the back of the car got a covering of magnolia! Funny how guilty I felt just taking them - as if I was stealing! Sat on the patio for hours cleaning and scraping the writing off the pots and then planted the plants. Satisfying to empty out the dustbin I have been making compost in these last few years and actually use my own rich compost. Shovelled the rest back in the bin and hosed down the patio. On reflection - after due consideration - HUGE MISTAKE!! Those plants are very nice to look at but they are enormous! At least five feet tall and the same across! My house just isn't big enough!!! Put one in the conservatory and the other in the living room but not sure I can live with so much space taken up by them - absolutely huge! Touched base with M/D who looked them up in the gardening book - 'Phoenix canariensis' I think - "ultimately 18m (60ft) tall"!!!! Ooops. That'll teach me to 'shop'! . . . walked - couple of kids throwing stones at the school windows!! Don't think they managed it and they soon rode off on cycles so did nothing but despair. . . early to bed feeling absolutely exhausted.(5/10)
19 - Sally breakfasted on more freezer meat which seemed to go down quickly and well . . .new council tax bill notification in the mail - greater than 6% increase over last year and 14.8% increase in respect of the Police part!!! I pay 66+ a month just to sit here!!!! That seems like a lot especially when you consider how the area has become so lawless and unpleasant! No escaping it and no way I can claim a reduction for low income because of my 'healthy' looking bank balance - 15% of my meagre income gone - doesn't seem fair :o( . . .filled a pocket with freezer bread and walked, then walked on down to St Georges park and fed the swans and ducks and then back. Remembered to take the little mileometer gadget I'd once found and it clocked up exactly five miles. I guess a 'normal' once round the field with Sally is about a mile and a half? Found 5p . . .cut the plug off then dragged the stinking fridge freezer out into the front garden and called the council - fixed up for free removal on 10th April . . . nervously ate a plate of stale bread and very old beefburgers and fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . popped round the newsagent and bought some expensive tobacco - so much for giving up when my cupboard was bare of the duty free!! Thank god I don't smoke regular packs of 20 cigarettes - average price 4 a pack!!!!!!!!! . . . more headache and annadins . . .PCd briefly . . . just washing dishes and heard voices - Currys leaving an ansaphone message the fridge freezer would be delivered tomorrow between 09:10 and - message cut off! Oh well - I'll be in. Carried on washing up and SH stopped by to drop off a copy of his program on CD for me to play with and beta test at some point - didn't have the heart to tell him I am really not in PC mood at the moment. With by now cold washing up water BB rang to touch base. . . moved the furniture around a little to try and find a place for the palms - put a comfy chair out in the conservatory - need to make that a usuable sitting place now summer is slowly on its way. . . walked in torrential rain. Shared packs of beefburgers with Sally . . . TVd till early. (4/10)as
20 - Up with the alarm before 7am . . . walked in the mud! Sad sight of two squished frogs out in the road. Inexplicably in the middle of the field was a large plastic tub of magnolia paint and a black kitchen bucket that had obviously once been used for putting a Christmas tree in - just sat there in the middle of the field - and on top of that there was a penny in the bottom of the black bucket!!! Sometimes the world is just WEIRD!!! So weird I actually walked on past but couldn't resist and ended up taking the lid off the paint, putting one inside the other and walking home carrying them! Found 5p on the way home! . . . hosed poor muddy dog down on the patio and then fed Sally the last of the beefburgers - hosed out the buckets. . . sat around waiting - I'm not good at waiting like that - total lack of control of ones own destiny kinda. Occupied my time by, at last, sewing on buttons that had fallen off my coat and trousers and such. . . saw the lorry pull up just before 11am so secured the dog and accepted delivery of my new fridge freezer. Unpacked it, wiped it down a bit and pushed it into position without daring to turn it on for at least a few hours - a requirement expensively learned in my youth. Uh oh - more rubbish than bin space. . .touched base with M/D - they were just getting ready to go for Dad's check up!! I'd completely forgotten - assuming I knew in the first place?!!!! Wished them good luck . . .washed out the inside of the fridge and freezer - rang up to confirm there was only supposed to be one salad tray - turned it on around 1pm. Watched it get cool . . . should have shopped but ended up falling asleep for the rest of the afternoon after some food . . . woke to more torrential rain - uggh! . . . fridge/freezer seems cool/cold and happy enough. . .ate/touched base with M/D - all ok although seemed pretty pointless having that appointment when inevitably nothing much was done but a 'chat' and a booking for MRI's and such in a month or so and a reduction in steroid dose because Dad was doing so well. Predictable waste of precious doctor/patient time?. . .walked in the light drizzle. Some poor old admittedly rather weird guy with a small dog was walking up the street armed with a torch and shouted out to me how the three youths I'd just passed walking up the street had been abusing him and his dog or something?!! I tried to comiserate and said how bad the area had become and (worrying what may happen to him if he carried on up the street) how it was best to just lock oneself indoors - he said he was gonna go see the police at Bridewell tomorrow because 'the police at Trinity Road are no good'??!! Strange old guy but SO sad that he should be made to suffer so by those mindless a*****s! Very sad - wonder what his story is - bet he once worked for the Post Office!!!! :o( . . . Tvd till late. . . PCd till early trying to sort out my chaotic finances. I can feel my retail therapy isn't over yet!! Haven't been this decadant for years but I can feel an increasing urge to buy that cheap 28" TV and maybe even a cheap replacement for my long dead electric shower! Terrible guilt, something along the lines of - MUSN'T spend ANY money except on absolute necessities - MUST keep what little money I have, stashed away in the bank to afford me a little security against tomorrows inevitable 'shit happens'!(5/10)
21 - Up before 7am after ony about five hours sleep!! Guess I'll be napping later then! . . .drove Sally down to Snuff Mills and walked a few miles around the river. Very mild out. There are times when Sally's joy at just running around can be infectious. Able to count my blessings this morning as I left the rush hour queues behind and strolled amongst the trees. I am very lucky - I'll not remember that soon enough! . . .phone call from LB asking me to feed the cats again this weekend. Couldn't really refuse but I really, REALLY don't want to! It's a full time job enough looking after the devil dog.Grrrr . . . left Sally at home and drove to Asda to shop and check out their TV prices. Loaded up with loads of stuff for the freezer and confirmed that the Lidel TV WAS a very good price. Drove to Lidel intending to buy one and wouldn't you know it - all gone! Damn! There is an ancient saying - 'He who hesitates is - squinting at a 21" TV with no teletext'!!! :o) . . . unpacked, filled the freezer, a bite to eat and slept the afternoon away . . . woke feeling out of sorts and dizzy like I was kinda drunk!!!???? Pottered in the garden weeding for a while. . .PS called to say 'later?' . . . walked and spotted a car parked kinda funny with smashed tail lights and out of date tax - looks like another stolen dumped maybe . . . PS popped round for chats till early. Poor guy was subjected to me enthusing about my new fridge and even had a litre of milk presented to him to feel how wonderfully cold it was!! No doubt in my mind now - my old fridge hasn't been working right for years and I didn't really notice. . . PCd till early. (5/10)s
22 - Up late with the noise of the bin men struggling to empty my bulging bin . . .walked. The suspected stolen car was gone so I guess it was just someones car - one of the many hereabouts that isn't taxed or road legal!! Found a penny. . . left Sally at home and walked up to shop . . . ate and slept the afternoon away again and again waking with a headache! . . .so very mild - definitely feels spring like today. Sat in the garden scraping the writing off a plastic tub then sat reading all the adverts that were delivered with the free local paper till dark. One caught my eye - 'bigW' advertising a Daewoo 28" (NOT wide screen) stereo/teletext TV for only 200!!! That is what you'd pay to rent one for a year! . . . BB called to touch base but didn't keep me talking long enough - the shop didn't shut till 10pm - left Sally at home and drove the car out and bought one! Cheap and cheerful - really nice to have a big screen again and teletext for the weather forecast and such. Moved TVs around different rooms 'domino effect' and ended up with two old dodgy portable black and white sets spare! TVd till early getting to know the new buttons and settings and such. TVd till around 2am experimenting with the PC video out again. Surfing IS possible on the TV display but is still kinda blurred and too low resolution for any serious stuff. Oh well, never mind. . . e-mail from Amazon saying the last dog training book I'm waiting for is no longer available to them and they have recredited the account - damn. (5/10)a
23 - Up before 7am after a broken few hours sleep full of nightmares!!?? The last one I remembered why I forced myself to wake from it!! How weird the mind is - wish I could explore it properly. See what happens to my peace of mind when I spend some money on luxurys! lolol :o) . . . Sally's operation scar has a length of nylon thread protruding from it!!!!! Daren't pull it - hmmm?!!! . . .another letter in the post from the MOD asking if I am still interested in a post - if I don't reply by 5/4/02 they will assume I wish to 'withdraw from the campaign'! Probably wont reply (like Dad thinks I should) - I'll only get childish and vindictive if I do - if I had ink (expensive!!) in my printer I probably would!! . . . walked . . . fed LBs cats . . . did some chores . . . decided to walk Sally up to the vet to see if I could get her quickly looked at without an appointment. Found 2p. Long wait but eventually in to see the vet. No worries - she trimmed off the nylon thread and assured me it would dissolve in due course. Popped Sally on the scales and yes she HAS put on weight since her operation - up to 39kg now - advised to 'watch her diet' and cut back a little. The butcher had no bones again which was probably just as well under the diet! . . . back home ate and of course then fell asleep for hours despite planning to get loads done! That feeling you get when you hold your head down towards the floor and then suddenly straighten up - a kinda dizzy feeling - THAT is how I feel during the day when I eat and then MUST go to sleep! . . . touched base with M/D - all ready for Sis2s visit but she will be returning home on the bank holiday!!!!! That is sure to be awkward what with traffic and crowds and such!! Oh dear - bad timing! . . .walked and found a toad in the street just outside my gate - relocated it to the back garden. . . fed LBs cats/ate/installed myself in front of the TV till early. SH called jokingly chastising me for not being accurate on my journal!!? Apparantly the CDs he'd given me did NOT include his VB taxi program as I had thought - ooops - proves I haven't even looked at them yet!!! (5/10)s
24 - Must have been a good 8 hours sleep - nice cool morning with the promise of maybe some sun later . . .fed Lbs cats and then decided to give Sally a 'proper' walk - I've always maintained plenty of excercise and less food is the ONLY way to lose weight. Started off over the field as normal and then did the long walk down through the green spaces and eventually along the main road into Eastville park. Wow - I'd forgotten how big and nice that park is and had completely forgotten about the 'boating lake'!! Haven't walked that route since I had Sheba! Twenty years ago? God I'm getting old - almost as old as my knees and hips seem to be!!!! Plenty of aching! I am quite certain that if I survive long enough I shall have joint problems - arthritis, that kind of thing - it has been seen in the family - think grandma had it. It'll be a sad day when I can no longer walk along the river and through the woods and such. Walked all the way along the river to Snuff Mills and then through Oldbury Court estate and eventually back up through Fishponds and home. Found 9p in loose change along the way and a 'ball-on-a-rope' for Sally! Loads of people out walking and being barked at by the devil dog! Back home the mileometer said 7.5 miles - felt like more to me, although Sally is still up for playing ball around the house!! Fed her only two mugs full of complete dry food for breakfast . . .Been a week now since I decided that I would stop taking my prozac. Several reasons really but one of the most prominent is my father's situation. Chances are that some time in the near future, probably later this year, I'm gonna have to face his death - I'd have a real hard time living with myself in the future in the knowledge that I was drugged up on anti depressants at that time rather than fully experience whatever that will mean for me. Hard to explain - I am aware of the risks - but some things just gotta be faced and embraced no matter what. So far so good - I'm under no illusions - the dark downs will strike again at some point for absolutely no reason! As and when - it's spring time, so far so good - and of course I have Sally now - hardly enough hours in the day to be down :o) . . . touched base with M/D - the tiredness reaction following radio therapy has finally hit Dad - he seems to be exhausted and sleeping all over the place all the time! Join the club!!!! Touched base with Sis2 who was gonna be leaving around her midday flying via New York. . . PS popped in briefly for a coffee after having been shopping in search of a weird aerial socket converter for his portable TV that had broken - spent a while with the soldering iron trying to effect a temporary repair. Didn't look pretty but 'should' work for a while. . . did some washing and sitting in the garden . . .LB called to confirm she was home and thank for cat feeding duties . . .walked . . .touched base with BB and made her laugh. . . TVd/PCd till early. Felt pretty damn good for a large part of the day - roll on warm sunny days!!(6/10)s
25 - Up pretty late with a german shepherd in my ear! Was it that which made her sick all over the carpet?!!! Poor little woofer all ears down acting like she has done something wrong. I can think of better ways to start a day!! . . .walked - very summery feel to the morning. Found 2p . . . touched base with M/D who confirmed Sis2 had arrived safely at Heathrow . . . spent the morning hanging out washing and sorting out my finances and doing long overdue paperwork and such. Popped round the post office and posted all the warranty registrations for my recent purchases - posted a small parcel to JS for her birthday - HOW F****** MUCH!!!! Jeeze - about ten times the value just for the postage! Emptied my wallet. . . walked Sally up to the building society and drew out some money. Popped in the butchers seeking bones yet again only to be told tomorrow - again! Always tomorrow - just HATE being jerked around like that. Sally's behaviour during the walk was awful. Barked at a toddler in the building society - barked at every dog in sight and strained at the leash - dragged me into the road and LBs garden hedge chasing cats - she IS getting worse!!!!? Stopped off at last at the flower shop I keep passing and bought a couple of tiny fir trees for only a couple of s . . . messed around in the garden and planted the little trees either side of the step up from the patio - been meaning to plant something along those lines for ages - done at last. Difficulty not going to sleep - almost snoozed in the comfy chair in the conservatory for half an hour or so - Sis2 called from M/Ds to confirm she had safely arrived . . . determined not to go to sleep and forced myself to get the step ladder out and got up on the bathroom roof with a bucket of soapy water and a mop type thing and cleaned the mold off the roof of the conservatory. . . walked - a real pleasant evening. . . sat in the garden for most of the evening, just sitting in the moonlight and feeling ok. Briefly plugged in the big PIR light I'd found and held it up in a position where I could mount it on the wall to see what it would be like - wow - brighter than a sunny day!!! Too bright maybe. . . TVd but felt exhausted and ended up in bed by 10pm! (5/10)s
26 - Up around 7am - nine hours sleep?!!! . . . beautiful cool and sunny morning - feel so much better for it. Coffee and cigarettes for breakfast in the garden . . .out of the house by 8:30am and headed off with Sally on a 'proper' walk again - round the field, down through Eastville Park, along the river, up onto the hill (Purdown is it?) overlooking the M32, back down and along the river at Snuff mills and eventually back up through Fishponds - back home pretty exhausted after just under ten and a half miles but oh what a beautiful summery day. . . PCd the panoramic collage of six pictures I'd taken and rang M/D/Sis2 to ask if they could recall the name of the mansion house up on the hill overlooking the M32 motorway that used to be a stately home, then Stoke Park mental hospital and now luxury flats - Mum and Sis2 answered the phone - Dad has taken a turn for the worse and is less than fully in control of himself again!! Uh oh!!!!!!! Currently asleep on the setee! Suggestions from the hospital it could be the reduction in his steroid dose so advised to up the dose again. Mum has sought contact with a McMillan nurse - facing reality!!! Thank god Sis2 is there - what timing!!!!! I didn't expect to hear all THAT!!!!!. . .tried calling Sis1 but she isn't home yet - not sure when she is due back in the country! . . .that all took the wind out of my sails a bit and after sitting in the sun in the garden for a bit (big black crow on my roof noisily tearing up some piece of food!!) I lay down to try and nap but couldn't! . . . Sis1 called back and confirmed that she was good to go down and visit tomorrow like I had planned to do anyway. She called me back again after having spoken to Sis2 suggesting that I should let Sis2 have 'my' car while she was here!! Couldn't help but think that was rather 'cheeky' although it had crossed my mind anyway - rang Sis2 and suggested it but thankfully she declined - she couldn't drive a stick shift now anyway! What a relief . . . touched base with Uncle TJ and told him what was going on because no one had yet!! That seemed wrong - he IS his brother after all for goodness sake! If one of my sisters was going through such stuff I'd want to know immediately anything changed - not some time later. . . sat around feeling up tight . . . walked and found a penny. Stopped off at the chip shop for sausage and chips . . . early to bed. (5/10)
27 - Up before the alarm around 6:30am - frosty out but completely clear blue sky - another beautiful day forecast . . . walked over the dew covered field in the low sun dancing with long shadows . . .touched base with Sis2 and Dad is much improved again - guess it IS definitely the steroids that are keeping him going then!!! Don't understand why they want to try and ween him onto a lower 'safer' dose - after all, given current circumstances - he has nothing to lose!! . . .Showered, had a coffee in the garden, unplugged my cordless phone that Sis2 thought would be useful to Dad (despite them having given it to me because they really didn't like it), got myself all sorted out and loaded the car up with Sally bowls and toys and food and eventually set off for Sis1s. Stopped off for gas and remembered I'd forgotten to take the token gesture chocolate Easter eggs I'd bought for everyone and had to drive back home and get them! Picked up Sis1 and hit the road. Nice sunny weather with a bit of cloud but oh what lunatic drivers on the road!!! Stopped off near M/D in Safeway so Sis1 could dash in and buy some more flowers to go with those she'd picked from her garden for Mum. Terribly hungry and assuming Dad wouldn't be up to going anywhere for a meal like usual, couldn't resist buying a snack and sitting in the car eating it. Arrived and said hellos and sorted Sally out in the garage. Dad was not too bad but it was obvious he had been through a rough time this last day or so. Very much less hair on his head - I guess Mum and him have both been on a tough journey that I can only guess at - they both seemed 'different' together, and NOT in a 'bad' way. Sis2 looked ok despite her warnings that she looked terrible with her 'lupus' thing - ok the area around her eyes did look a bit wrinkled, dark and weird but she looked ok to me - apparently it gets worse and she has lost dexterity in one of her hands and other symptoms. I think I have not fully grasped how ill she may be - need to read up on it! All sat in the garden in the sun chatting for a while with Sally the 'angel dog'?? How weird that she is SO relaxed, waggy tailed and happy around 'the family' - Dad seems to have bonded with her quite a bit and thinks she is a 'lovely dog' despite my assurances that they aren't seeing the real 'devil dog' her. :o) Mum busied herself sorting their bed out from Dad's loss of consciousness accident yesterday - SO sad that he was SO humiliated by it - painful! Ended up putting and soldering a new silver clasp on Sis1s bracelet from the collection of old jewellery stuff in the garage being supervised by Dad because it was what he'd normally do but he was no longer able - something of my worst nightmare trying to accomplish a result as perfectionist as he would do!! His eyes are fine but the perception of what he sees is shot to hell - the house plants he'd potted up for me and Sis1 all looked pretty dead and compost was spread all over the garage bench - he has also developed a shuffling gait, presumably because he is afraid of bumping into stuff and or falling over!! Sis2 produced some presents that she hadn't got round to sending at Christmas!! A couple of books and an expensive heavy-duty retractable chord leash for Sally. Nice one. . pottered in the garage with Dad and then helped him plug their repaired video back in and checked it was all working ok. . .Dad decided he was up for it (although I suspect because he didn't want to prevent it) and we all got in the car and drove to Paignton for a meal. I was full and didn't bother with desert and left the rest to it and retrieved Sally from the car after giving her the left-overs to eat sneaked out in a poop scoop bag - full on devil dog behaviour!!!!! Barking at everyone/thing and straining and pulling on the leash!! Never known her so bad - excitement maybe? Quickly walked her onto the beach and threw some stones for her to chase in the waves just to try and calm her down a bit!!! Sunny but very chilly so all drove back home - brainwave on the way - stopped off at 'pooh lane' and got Sis1 to drive them home while I walked Sally. Walked the few miles down through the ancient woods - calm and beautiful as usual - out onto the beach and then back to M/Ds - found a penny. Coffee and chats and then got the ladder out and went up into the loft to retrieve an old mat that M/D insisted Sally should have to lie on in the garage and a spot light I can use in my conservatory. Sneaked the phone I'd brought into Sis2s room and plugged it in only to find the socket got somehow jammed and I couldn't unplug it!!! Uh oh - that'll mean arguments - told Sis2 so she was prepared. Coffee and chats, loaded the car up with the light and pot plants and such with Dad and eventually on the road around 10pm. Sis1 got a little tearful fully realising that each time we leave now could well be the last time we see Dad. I just felt that is kinda what life is like - only temporary is permanant!! Scary fast drive back - I was really too tired to drive safely!! Dropped off Sis1 and home exhausted by just after midnight. To bed by around 1am. (5/10)
28 - Up around 8:30 after not enough sleep - more glorious sunny weather. PCd. Touched base with Dad to say we didn't check his video record was working ok! He checked it all out and all was eventually proven to be ok - AFTER he'd thought it wasn't working and he called the repair guy and told him, only to then find he'd not noticed that he had a selection button in the wrong place on the remote!! He rang the repair guy back and appologised - bit by bit Dad is finding his usual abilities and keenness of mind being stripped away. That must be real tough and is largely why he seems SO short tempered with everyone and everything - it is really with himself!! Mum is handling it pretty well I guess. Sis2 confirmed they'd had the argument about the chordless phone and Dad had managed to remove it from the socket and it was now in the garage unused awaiting my collection!! . . . walked and found 6p . . . surfed a bit and looked up some of the Lupus information - seems a pretty serious nasty business!! Added links to my links page for ease of Sis2s reference when she returns home. Called her and gave my ten cents worth that she should actively learn about it and seek treatment ASAP rather than avoid facing up to the issue like she seems to have been!! . . . sat around in the sun, sat around in the house, lay around and slept - did nothing all day and was thankful for it, as seemed sleepy Sally! . . . walked . . . PS called round for chats till early . . . touched base with BB who seems rather stressed over her work. . .more sitting in the cold garden looking at the full moon and then to bed around 2am.(5/10)as
29 - Up late woken by snuggling Sally. More glorious breakfast sunshine in the garden - it's the 'Good Friday' bank holiday and the crowds will be home and out and about so I guess I'll be staying mostly locked away keeping a low profile this weekend. I have e-mails to reply to, maintenance on the house to do, books to read, computers to sort out - loads of stuff and all I seem up to doing is sitting in the sun in the garden (watching the water slowly imperceptibly ebbing out of the leaking pond) not really thinking about anything at all!!!!? This is a strange phase I'm going through now - albeit kinda slightly more content with my lot - for the moment at least! Must be these few sunny days after the long cold damp dark months of winter . . .walked and Sally dropped her ball into a deep muddy puddle over the field - more of a small pond really!! Damn, damn, damn! I was not gonna just walk off and leave it without a fight so I ended up ankle deep in mud up to my elbows feeling around in the mud and water looking for it. Succeeded in getting the bottom of my coat unnoticed in the water!! I found it in the end and ended up completely covered in mud and walking home with three balls?! Magic puddle - throw something in, get three back - maybe I should throw some money in there? :o) . . . spent the rest of the morning showering and washing everything I was wearing and hanging it out to dry in the sun! . . . sat around mostly in the garden doing nothing ALL day watching washing dry!!! Sally was obviously bored and unnoticed by me dug up a part of the garden!!!! Grrrrrr! . . . walked and found 5p. Sally almost dragged me into someones garden trying to chase a cat that was sat there - the cat fled but Sally was still straining on the leash - what was that??!! A toad? No - WOW - the cat had a mouse in it's mouth and dropped it when Sally chased it - the mouse ran off up the street and disappeared into a hedge!! Sally saved a mouse from a tortured death - cool :o) . . . TVd - listened to the Best of BB King CD Sis2 had given me - made the most of abscent neighbours and had the volume up louder than usual (although quieter than most of course - I HATE people who inflict loud music on others). . . LB very drunk popped in briefly to swap some chocolate sponge and stuff for a handfull of cigarettes?! . . . early to bed. (4/10)sss
30 - Up around 7am after a sound nights sleep. MUST 'do' something today and not just sit around again . . . PCd briefly and logged on and reactivated Sis1s time-expired Freeserve ISP account . . .walked . . . ate LBs chocolate sponge for breakfast . . . spent most of the rest of the day messing around on the patio making up a bracket with the angle grinder out of old rusty dexion for the PIR light that I'd found. Eventually got it up as a temporary 'test' and wired in and working. Moved loads of junk around and put the other comfy chair from the PC room into the conservatory. . . tried the light out as darkness fell - wow - night into day! That light is SO bright it seems to develop it's own microclimate of mist!!!! . . . BB called to touch base. Dad returned my call on my mobile (since I was engaged chatting to BB) to say I was good to get rid of the old brass blow lamps cluttering up the place one of which had been given me by Uncle TJ - he told me about the day's news. . . walked and stopped off for sausage and chips at the chip shop. . . TVd/sat in the garden. Early to bed just after 10pm! . . . Queen Elizabeth the Queen mother died this day at 3:15pm. (5/10)
31 - Up around 8am but the clocks changed last night to British Summer Time so I guess that is 9am. In keeping with a British summer and a bank holiday weekend in particular, it is raining grey and miserable out . . .walked . . . messed around knocking up a dummy website for Sis1 like we discussed ages ago before she couldn't recall her password! Hope she has a sense of humour - I may be in trouble!! :o). . . Sis2 rang to talk about the chordless phone - M/D have argued and reconsidered using it so she was looking to plumb in all the memories and such. Grabbed the instructions and called her back . . .PCd till my headache got the better of me - need an eye test . . .watched some typical bank holiday fair on the TV - F1 grand prix, James Bond, Star Treck, etc. . . touched base with Sis1 who wasn't at all upset by her dummy website but was concerned about Dad's condition after having spoken to Sis2. Touched base with Sis2 and spoke to Dad on the chordless but he really was not at all himself again. Said goodbyes to Sis2 who leaves early tomorrow - made a pact with Sis1&2 that we should all keep in touch and feedback to each other about the situation. Feel real sorry for Sis2 - saying goodbye tomorrow is gonna be the toughest. Not sure in the future how I'll know when it will be necessary to confirm that flying back over right away is the thing she should do?!! Is it my place to get involved with the Mcmillan nurse support people? Difficult times all round. . . walked. Two guys were stood waiting by the entrance to the field expectantly looking up the road, which was unusual. Eventually a car pulled up a short distance away and one of the guys crossed the road, opened the door and sat in the passenger seat for about twenty seconds. He then got out and returned to his partner and exchanged something, then returned to sit in the car briefly. He soon got out again and returned to his partner and after briefly examining something together they both walked off across the field as the car drove away. Could that really have been ANYTHING other than a 'dial a drug' deal?!!!!!! Jeeze . . . PS popped round for chats and growls till early . . . haven't yet adjusted to BST and couldn't sleep till earlier. (5/10)aass
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