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April
1 - Didn't do anything all day!! Ended up staying up LBs late, drinking wine and watching 'Easyrider' on BBC1!!!!
2 - Woken up too early by M/D on the phone saying thanks for the Mothers day card. Sat around in front the TV all day feeling pointless. Couple of hours sleep in the afternoon . . typing this at 5am cause I can't sleep . . .all very pointless!
3 - Went to bed about 6am. . .woke up after only about an hour of paranoid type nightnares! Awful stuff. Got up about 10 . . .blowing a gale with horizontal sleet and snow, etc. British Summer Time!! Had to go out shopping in it. The car dumped outside for the last year has at last got a council notice on it so should hopefully be removed soon. Wrote to Liz at last but probably didn't say the right things!!! SH called and arranged the sale of my printer for 50! Trying to stay awake all day till late no matter how tough, so as to get back to a normal sleeping pattern.
4 - Cleaned the printer ready for whenever SH wants to take it. . . never been so clean and looked so good. Fell asleep after soup for lunch. Woken at 16:15 by a phone call on the ansphone, from a mobile. No message but they didn't turn their phone off so it was on for about 15 minutes as whoever it was drove about. That must have cost them!!!! Sat about waiting for more sleep.
5 -Cancelled. Woke up twice. Printer sale fallen through.
6 - Sat in the garden in the sun. Went to the dentist . . .all ok . . .13 thank you!!! IHB called and said he was having a barbecue so I walked over and ate, played with children(!!!), smoked and drank till later and walked back in the freezing night. They seem 'better' but both on anti depressants.
7 - Sat in the garden in the sun...nothing more.
8 - Woken early by junk mail. Another cold, clear blue sky so I forced myself out and walked the few miles down to the river at Conham. Found a place to sit in the dew and warmed myself in the rising sun for an hour or two as the tidal river rose by a foot or so. Bird song, ducks, heron, swans nesting, squirrels, fish jumping . . ."summer time. . . ." Stopped on the way back to ask a squirrel in a tree how it managed to survive cause I really needed to know. It looked at me for a moment as though it would tell . . . and then with a proud flick of it's bushy grey tail, sprang into another tree and with a flourish was gone with its secret. Rang J/J but failed to 'act' happy. Smoked the day away!
9 - Woke up early about 06:30 with my nose all bunged up. Did housework, sat in front of the grand prix on TV, ate, slept. Polished up an old brass paraffin blow torch of Sis1s for a possible ornament. Pretty . . . SH popped in for a minute and told me he had received a letter from the MOD seeking references. So - the big machine is moving!!
10 - Popped up S&DHs in the afternoon. Read a bit . . . bought a couple of motorcycle newspapers to get a feel for prices.
11 - Walked to every motorbike shop I know to see what is about. All VERY expensive!! Stopped to rest in St Mary Redcliffe church and two more on College Green just for the hell of it. Walked to the pub in torrential, freezing rain for a beer with ML and S ... got a lift home thankfully from ML. Very cold and damp....
12 - J phoned from on the M25 to say she is back in Britain. Told M/D I'm smoking again . . . D was furious, blamed IHB and hung up his phone and stormed off . . . I quickly finished the conversation with M . . . I felt furious/hurt/10/worthless/rejected/powerless/down, down, down etc! Slept. PS came round.
13 - Letter from the MOD OHS telling me they had written to my doctor for references and I should make an appointment to see his report. Walked to the doctors to make an appoinment...earliest possible under the circumstances was 2nd May!!!!!!! Slept.
14 - Sat about. Slept. ML picked me up and we went to a pub out Tockington for a couple with others. Pleasant. Stopped back at Sharons and met her dog. Black labrador. Wonderful. Back at home felt very down and tearful . . . jealous . . . I want a partner and a dog . . . it seems whatever I desire will be denied me.
15/16 - Down . . . unplugged the phone . . . drank, sat and slept.
17 - I AM a full time smoker again!!!!!!! Stronger...ish today. The car dumped outside was taken away at last. Talked to M/D on the phone . . . I told them of their upsetting me . . . they didn't even know it had happened. . . no sorry. Briefly called Sis2 to say hi. Turned away a nasty looking dwarf woman, with a cigarette in her mouth selling 'charms' at the door! If she cursed me would I notice? Got the bus to town and went all over the place trying to find sunglasses as requested by DS . . . no one sells them any more. Sat on a seat on the 'center' for a long time in the sun between the storm clouds watching life go by. 'The outsider'! Back home and SH had left a message about a laptop someone has for sale. I couldn't decide! Phoned Sis1 to see if she may be interested . . . she was, so I told SH I was interested. Sis1 brought some money over just in case . . . Tried to phone LG . . . she obviously doesn't want to talk to me . . . I don't blame her . . . I don't want to have to talk to me either. . . no longer stronger.
18 - DSs mum came round and delivered a gift from DS....software and mouse....wonder-ful/ous. Had to do it....finally e-mailed C....I can't go on like I have been and figured re-opening old wounds could aid their healing. Very unsettled/nervous/on guard...no reply yet. LG phoned and we chatted comfortably . .I think. She knew I had e-mailed C who was undecided as to a reply.... just like old times!!!!!!!!! Got an 'unsolicited' call from a lady from my past...no thank you! Too much like old times!!!!!! Hocus Pocus stirring the ether?
19 - Went shopping...couldn't resist a closing down sale with 25% off so spent 37 on two pairs of combat trousers, belt, four pairs of walking socks. Bargain . . .went home and tried on old trousers in my closets and none fit anymore. I've put on loads of weight!!!! Decided to clear some out . . .thought they may fit JO so phoned him and took some unworn ones round . . .they didn't fit and I ended up being given a glass or two of wine. Woke in the night by a terrible, terrible headache . . . got up and drank water and went back to bed....what sort of wine was that!!
20 - Awake at 7 still with an awful headache. Sat around quietly taking Anadins like sweets ... felt really bad...I didn't drink enough to feel that bad . . .Mail from M/D with a few photos from my youth as they'd promised. Couple of hours sleep in the afternoon. BW called in for a chat which was nice. Haven't seen him for years but he hasn't changed at all . . .ML phoned and we all arranged a drink on Saturday. Don't feel well . . . not the drink . . . and some sort of trapped nerve in my neck giving me pain and difficulty turning my head! Great! Feel unwell(sick) and old!
21 - Just sat around feeling awful all day. Typical bank holiday weather . . . torrential rain, thunder, lightning . . . rivers on flood alert . . . British Grand Prix in trouble with all the car parks flooded out and Saturday crowds told to stay away with the loss of 3m revenue!! Sat in the conservatory and a crow flew down and sat only twenty feet away in the neighbours tree blinking at me. Strange neck pain making me feel dizzy as though drunk . . . if I stand up I keep losing my balance . . . nausea too. Worried I won't be very good company tomorrow . . . not up to drinking! Yuk!! Already feel drunk.
22 - Got up still feeling 'ify' but a bit better. E-mailed JB and mentioned in passing I wasn't well. ML rang to say BW had cancelled cause he wasn't well too! Oh dear . . .but thank goodness it wasn't just me!! Forced myself to go shopping to see if exercise would make me feel better . . . couldn't resist buying another four pairs of twenty five percent off fluffy socks at the 'closing down' shop. Figured even if I put on loads of weight, unlike the trousers, the socks will always fit. (Amused me to think it'll be just my luck to have some freak accident where I lose my feet now!) Back home started feeling better and idly wondered if JB was doing her remote hocus pocus on me. Started feeling MUCH better and got all sociable and made phone calls to Sis2/M&D and PCd to find almost everyone I know had e-mailed me including JB who revealed she HAD done her remote hocus pocus on me!!!!! Phoned her and she gave me loads of crazy hocus pocus rituals to do to feel better. Pooh poohd the idea (but did as I was told except for lying on the floor with a crystal next to my shoulder! Felt TOO silly!!) ML came round and I drove his car to the Sugarloaf pub. Thankfully got an empty table to sit at and I even managed to get a chair with my back to the wall. Met up with S/M and had a very pleasant drink or two of orange squash as ML had a few beers. Nice pub/atmosphere/jukebox/barmaid . . . felt like ten years before. . . and with Freedom by Jimi Hendrix on the jukebox, twenty years before! Leaving the pub a car came screaming down the road SO quick. so dangerous. only just made the corner and missed the people on the pavement in the 'run off' area! Scary!!!!! The blue light of the police car was way behind. Drove us all carefully to S/Ms place for a coffee and music and stuff. Gothic music!!! No . . .too 'dark' for me. M showed me her artwork . . wasted talent. Interesting to see how others live. Watched police cars swamping the area from their windows. Hope they caught the b*******s! Pleasant chats. Eventually drove ML back to my place . . . chilled out with coffee, chocolate biscuits and Maltesers. ML crashed about 2am. Watched more about the 'Elian' case on CNN for a while . . . re-charging my 'on my own' batteries. Bed about 3am+.
23 - Woken at eightish by next door kid having had his friends over for the night, excitedly making lots of noise. I guess with age you do the same sort of stuff but just get less excited and have less energy for it. Left ML to sleep till ten and sat about in the conservatory with coffee and smokes in a sunny spell, feeling unusually happy with my damp, dusty home. Watched the Grand Prix which all seemed to go ok in the end . . still don't feel right . . . couple of hours sleep in the afternoon. SH rang and arranged a meet with the guy selling the laptop . . . he picked me up about 9pm and took me there and I 'blindly' bought it for 150. A Toshiba Satellite 110. Seems ok. SH said he may go beach combing about midday tomorrow. Up till 3am trying to connect it by direct cable to my pc. Succeeded but so slow! Plugged in my new 'Intellimouse Explorer' mouse DS sent me. . .VERY nice/clever. Installed some OLD software on the laptop from floppies!!!!! Will my sister really be interested with such limitations . . . oh well maybe I'll keep it for typing on . . . it IS cute! I could PC in the garden and everything?!!
24 - Up about 10am with a BIG headache. . . popping Anadins. Sister hasn't phoned yet! Came-to with coffee and cigarettes . . played laptop expecting SH to call when he got up to finalize details . . . he suddenly phoned to say he'd be here in ten minutes so a mad scramble to shut down PCs, put on coats and boots and get outside as D&SH arrived. Drove South and went beach combing in Lyme Regis in torrential rain. Got some things and eventually got back to D&SHs home soaking wet and cold but triumphant about 20:30 . . . needed to confirm with M plans for tomorrows walk but didn't have my wallet/phone numbers!! Damn! Transferred the livestock to the waiting tank and then sat watching things swim about for hours . . . had some drinks and chatted . . . very enjoyable . . . by the time I thought about looking up MLs number in the phone book I figured it was too late at night. Walked home arriving about 4am!! Ansaphone message from ML subtly indicating he may not be over keen on doing the walk about the Blaise Estate. Thank goodness . . Set the alarm for 9am so I could get up and call ML to confirm but hoped he wouldn't mind canceling our walk due to the weather. I was concerned at having let ML down/messed him about and couldn't sleep for a time . . .
25 - Up with the alarm at 9 . . . the alarm sounded as tired as me . . . must change the batteries! Slept through the bin men today! Phoned ML who was still in bed and seemed happy to cancel. Thank goodness. Played PCs but got SO tired . . unexpected e-mail from a stranger who was interested in buying some of the bike books 'advertised' on the website . . . who/how did he find my website?!! Replied asking him. Just about to fall asleep and Sis1 called to say she was on her way round. We talked seriously about PCs and it was agreed I would keep the laptop. She stayed a couple of hours and did some of her coursework on my PC . . . rangM/D and Sis1 AT LAST arranged a mutually convenient visit day . . . PS came round later for drink and chat . . . very tired to bed at about 1am.
26 - Up late about 9:30 with a bad neck/head ache. More pill popping . . . PCd . . . e-mail from DG explaining a search engine 'Google' had brought him to my site!!!!!!!!! Wow . . .that's scarey! Some sort of web crawler picked up some of my pages 'content' . . . not even a meta keyword!!!!!!!! Crikey . . . careful what I type! HELLO WORLD!!!!! PCd lots . . .fell asleep after lunch . . . woken by a phone call at six o'clock!!! Typed some more . . . seems like hard work but I feel it MUST be done. Still feel very tired . . . making up for lost time? Intended to go to sleep early and what happens . . I end up 'chatting' to TS on MSN messenger until 2am or later!!! Women!
27 - Um? . .well just typed on the laptop, chain smoked and occasionaly ate, really. Brief moments of feeling 'happy'ish which is so rare and nice. I guess I need to be 'creative' in some small way to feel anywhere near 'up'. How long will it last this time!!!!!
28 - Typed all day again but at last feel happy to wind up "Tanks For The Memories". Hard work . . . and why do it? For just this sense of satisfaction perhaps. Sad old ego tripper!
29 - C.O.D. is dead so posted the bike books I have to sell to DG trusting his honesty!!!!! Sunny day . . . sat about. ML called from Cornwall. EVERY year he gets the sun. Wish I'd gone-ish. . M/D phoned and reckon the "Tanks For The Memories" is too elaborate, long and contrived. Oh well. . . .
30 - Sunnier day . . . sat about - hot. PS popped in with a bike bit in need of 'drilling out'!! Impact driver and WD40 sorted it ok. Sat about full time! SH popped in for coffee and a chat.
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