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April
1 - Up early . . . read/TVd . . . went for a 'Miss Millies' chicken takeaway. First one for ages. Yummy! . . . PS popped in for chats . . . PCd a little till early. Suffering from real nasty tooth ache! Same thing happened the last time I took Prozac! No mention of such side effects in the literature! Just coincedence?(3/10)ps
2 - Popped in the library . . . shopped. Poor woman in the supermarket in front of me slipped on a grape and fell over into a big stack of boxes!! "Where there is blame there is a claim"? . . . received a letter from the MOD asking if I was still interested in employment! Surprised - thought they'd written me off! . . . slept for a couple of hours . . . TVd . . . PCd a little till early. (3/10)p
3 - Phoned the MOD and said 'Yes I'm still interested.' Once again told there are no vacancies at the moment but maybe soon - again!!! Dunno how I feel about that! . . . slept . . . read . . . TVd . . . toothached! Definitely feeling 'different' thanks to the Prozac. More accepting of my lot BUT - even less inclined to feel sociable or seek any form of contact with anyone!! Confirms what I had expected/feared - to be 'happy' WITH AvPD is to be Schizoid!! Early days - keep taking the tablets.(3/10)p
4 - Read . . . fell asleep as usual for a couple of hours early afternoon. Impossible to resist the strange fuzzy feeling in my head every day at about the same time which DEMANDS I MUST sleep!!!?? Woke dreaming a nasty dream about a couple of the bosses I used to work with. Blimey - still torturing myself after all this time!!! . . . I lost a dear friend today - only known him for the last seven years but I've spent more time with him than anyone else - good times, bad times, laughter, tears everything - always there for me. My dear friend my big screen teletext nicam stereoTV! Went up in smoke - literaly!!!!! A sad loss. Had a prod inside with a soldering iron but it looked very burnt and remained very dead. Phoned the cable company and reduced my service to the bare minimum. Moved the old, old smaller TV from the bedroom down into the living room. What to do? Should I spend some savings and buy a new one? Would it be throwing good money after bad to try and get it repaired - and without a car how can I take it anywhere anyway? I guess if that is all I have to worry about life is pretty good huh? God bless Prozac. . . TVd . . . PCd . . . read . . . toothached . . . PCd. (4/10)p
5 - Woke around 7am feeling not so good! Headache, bunged up, toothache!! . . . breakfasted and read for a while before trying to get back to sleep. With my nose bunged up I had to breath through my mouth which made my toothache even worse!! Couldn't sleep so got back up and sucked an Anadin tablet. M/D phoned to touch base. As they had suggested I phoned the dentist to warn that my 6 monthly check up appointment scheduled for Tuesday would require some serious work. The dentist cancelled my appointment and advised me to turn up on Monday afternoon instead as an 'emergency'. Four more days of increasing pain!!! . . .rain, rain and more rain! . . . PCd . . . slept for a couple of hours only to wake feeling pretty bad. I think I must have a cold and my toothache is getting worse and worse!! . . . LB phoned to say she had taken her old cat to the vet early this morning and had him put down. Shame. . . . ML popped in to borrow my Windows 98SE CD . . . TVd . . .toothached lots despite several Anadins throughout the day! (4/10)p
6 - PCd a little . . . Sat around all day sucking Anadins and blowing my nose and coughing and feeling uncomfortable and pretty sorry for myself as my cold really took hold and my toothache worsened . . .TVd . . . difficulty sleeping. (3/10)p
7 - Awake real early feeling rough. Cold has moved onto my chest!!! Sucked half an Anadin for breakfast before daring to try and drink a cup of coffee. Ow!! . . . walked to the library and asked them to try and get hold of a copy of Martin Kantor's AvPD bible 'Distancing'. No one seems to have heard of it - I can't afford to buy it!! . . . shopped for food . . . managed to sleep for an hour . . . sat around in front the fire and the TV all day feeling very out of sorts. No appetite. SH popped in very briefly just to catch my cold?!!. . . LB phoned around midnight wanting me to pop up and admire her living room changes! Obliged but didn't stay long . . . PCd briefly . . . read till sleep.(3/10)p
8 - Awake with strained stomach muscles from all the coughing! Still feel 'spaced out' but the cold seems to have subsided a 'little' . . . TVd/read/slept . . . ML popped in to return my CD . . . TVd/PCd. (3/10)p
9 - Sat around and waited for time to pass until my 14:00hrs dentist appointment. Strangely in less pain? Walked the half an hour route to the Hanham surgery but arrived too early and had to sit around outside for quarter of an hour because they were closed for lunch. Finally went in only to be told my dentist was off sick. They lied to me that they had tried to contact me and tell me!! Angry and insisted I needed treatment with any dentist 'NOW'! Sat in the waiting room with lots of others. Everyone had a two o'clock appointment??? That's no way to treat people!! After an hours wait I finally got to sit in a dentists chair only to find that the source of my pain was diminished and hard to pinpoint. A quick injection (very skillful and painlessly done- neat trick-very clever man) and x-ray and another twenty minute wait for the anaesthetic to work. Eventually back in for some drilling and filling. Then told to return in a day or two because he had put in a 'temporary dressing'??? Why didn't he just DO the job???!!!!!! Back to reception to force them to make another appointment. Told to turn up at 9:15 tomorrow but that I would have to wait a long time again!!! By 15:45 I was walking home . . . sat around hungry in front the TV waiting for the anaesthetic to wear off and my frozen tongue and mouth to regain feeling. Eventually celebrated the relative lack of pain by eating a kebab . . . felt absolutely exhausted and rather down-presumeably because of the confused and 'care-less' way I have been treated by the dentists and because of my powerlesness to do anything about it! . . . Went to bed real early. (2/10)p
10 - Up early. Walked to the dentist for 09:15. On asking, a dentist's assistant explained the reason for yesterday's temporary dressing. Something to do with making sure they were tackling the right thing??? The pain had stopped so I guess they are. Only about three quarters of an hour wait and in for the anaesthetic injection. Bloody hurt - not as good as the guy yesterday. Wish he would show her his trick!! Eventually back in for lots of drilling and stuff. Out about 10:45 armed with a perscription for a weeks course of penecillin to combat any infection and another appointment for a week on Friday to actually have the root canal work done! Quick stop at the chemist and then home. Think I'll start taking the medication tomorrow . . . PCd/TVd hungry and dribbling waiting for the anaesthetic to wear off . . . CW called to touch base and maybe seemed a 'little' happier despite everything . . . PS popped in to catch my cold and for chats till early.(3/10)ps
11 - Not enough sleep. Breakfast of coffee cigarettes and antibiotics! . . .my temporary filling has left a sharp edge to one of my teeth that constantly takes bloody chunks out of the inside of my cheek whenever I chew!!!!!! Can't win! . . .easter card from CW!! . . . M/D arrived to visit bearing a portable color TV they no longer want and charity shop trophies. Some almost as new 'Doc Martins' and some walking boots and shirts all bought for next to nothing - and some duty free tobacco courtesy of a recent aunt and uncle holiday. Most excellent . . . decided to take advantage of M/Ds car and took my broken TV to a repair shop. 25 deposit and a minimum repair fee of 40+parts - IF it can be repaired!! I'm a little confused how much I'll have to pay if it ISN'T repairable - but I guess it's worth the gamble-I miss it. Phone them in a week or so to see what the score is . . . all went to the Harvester at Frenchay for a meal and met Sis1 there. VERY busy - SO many people - felt very uncomfortable and a little unwell at times. Hot flushes?? Something had changed and the meals were not as good as they used to be. Less choice and less on the plates!! A great shame - we may not go back there again . . . everyone back to my place for coffee and chats before goodbyes . . . threw up due to my cold and too much smoking! Definitely don't feel 'right' at all . . . TVd . . . phoned CW to say thank you for the card and to say how guilty I now felt for not having reciprocated - but I definitely don't do easter! . . . TVd/PCd . . . antibiotics and Prozac cocktail before bed! (3/10)pa
12 - PCd . . . Sis1 turned up just as I was going up the road. She dropped off the chordless phones she was getting rid of that I said I would have. . . . Shopped wearing my new Doc Martins. They fit well enough . . . PCd . . . played with the phone. Seems to work ok for me! . . . TVd . . .PS popped round till early . . . PCd.(3/10)pas
13 - PCd . . . slept . . . TVd . . . LB rang to beg a few roll ups and popped in briefly to pick them up!? . . . TVd/PCd. (3/10)pa
14 - Plenty of sleep but feel very tired and lethargic. Congestion on my lungs seems to be worse!!!? . . . TVd/PCd (3/10)pas
15 - Slept . . . TVd . . . LB popped in briefly for coffee and chats . . .TVd till early. (3/10)pas
16 - Woken up pretty early by really loud bird song? Forgot to close the bedroom window! . . . S/DH picked me up aound midday and we eventually ended up sitting in the car on Brean beach for a few hours in the sun watching the world go by and drinking coffee and eating ham and turkey rolls. Very pleasant. BUT - couldn't help but feel a little jealous that everyone else seemed to be 'living' their lives and having a pretty enjoyable time?!!! The four wheel drive 'beach patrol' guy had a word with SH cause he had seen us drive up and down the beach??? "The beach is for parking only!" - jobsworth idiot!!!! . . Big cross country scenic detour on the way home because the bank holiday traffic on the motorway was at a standstill! Surprisingly still some livestock in the fields - alive, despite foot and mouth warning notices EVERYWHERE!!! Eventually dropped back home with a big nasty headache . . .the 2001 National Census forms had been delivered!! . . . TVd/PCd. Dare I hope my cold is getting better?I've smoked a lot more today and can still just about breath!! (3/10)pa
17 - A sunny morning but the graden seemed full of snow?? Eventually realised the neighbour had cut down the big tree in their garden with a chain saw and my garden was full of sawdust. Excellent - it was a nice tree but it filled my garden, drains and pond with leaves in the autumn and put my patio in shade for several hours in the summer. Glad it's gone. Sat in the garden I overheard the man saying to his children it was too nice and sunny to stay in doors - figured he was right and got the bike out! Didn't want to start but eventually got it going and headed off up the A38 past Lulsgate Airport to have a look at the Avon Motor Caravan centre I had spotted as we passed yesterday. Really impressed with the little baby Citroen Romahome Hytop/Hylo but SO expensive! Dream, dream, dream. Back on the road and decided to keep riding for a bit. Ended up doing a 60+ mile tour. Chew Valley lake-stopped for a cigarette and watched the birds. Almost killed on a lonely country lane by a crazy woman in a sports car! Would have been a sad muddy place to die. Cheddar gorge-heaps of disinfected straw in the road and lots of places roped off cause of the foot and mouth scare. Overtaking traffic down through the gorge before realising there were animals loose on the road!! Oops. Stopped and admired the cliffs and had a cigarette in a quiet area. Drove through where the caves are without stopping because of the crowds!! Yuk. Passed another motor caravan place and turned round and stopped to have a look and a cigarette. On out to Weston Super Mare and drove along the sea front. Windswept and clouds of sand being blown around and into my eyes! Didn't stop and headed home on the country roads for fun rather than on the motorway. Sun had gone and the sky had clouded over threatening rain. VERY VERY COLD!!!!!!!! Absolutely freezing by the time I got home. Impressive little bike - very fast for an old rusty shaft drive. Overcome with exhaustion and wanting to be warm, fell asleep for three hours!! . . . woke feeling weird and with puffy bloodshot eyes! . . . went for fish and chips takeaway and finally got warm with a HOT shower . . . TVd/PCd . . . still extremely tired. (3/10)pa
18 - Up late after loads of sleep? Took the last of my antibiotics course . . . PCd . . . slept . . . TVd. SH phoned to tell me about a couple of VW campers he'd seen parked up with 'For Sale' signs on.(3/10)pa
19 - Got the bike out and went to have a look at the campers SH had seen. Found one but it didn't say the price so I didn't really bother to stop and look. Who am I kidding - I couldn't afford the petrol!! Stopped off in passing at the TV repair place to see if there was any news about my precious patient. No news yet because of the bank holiday . . .TVd and housework . . . ML phoned to warn the Cable network connection was down and to suggest a week on Saturday for a little 'get together' at my place. Felt rather reluctant but agreed in principle! . . . PCd without any trouble but went to bed early feeling real tired after having stayed awake all day without my customary afternoon 'nap'. Set both alarms to make sure I get up early.(3/10)p
20 - Up early with the alarms . . . 53 gas bill in the post . . . walked cold in the sun to the dentist for the 10 o'clock appointment. Short wait and then in the chair for about forty five minutes as the root filling was done. Not pleasant at all - some pain as the inch long drill hit the nerve! Told not to bite her fingers - ooops! Unexpectedly presented with a bill for 73!!!!!!!!!! On the NHS? - Bloody hell!!!!!!! Very broke!!!!!! Booked an appointment for six months time even though it appears the dentist hasn't done my normal six monthly check up? To hell with that - can't afford any more!!! . . . tried to PC but couldn't because the cable connection was down - but back up later! . . . PCd . . .slept . . . TVd . . . PCd till early. Some pain from my tooth which was worrying - and a strange taste from the filling, kinda like when you put your tongue on the terminals of a battery!!! Well - hasn't everyone done that?(3/10)ps
21 - Up late . . . 100 premium bond win in the post! Yayyyyy. Thank goodness for that - covers my teeth bill and then some. You win some you lose some?. . . balanced my accounts and transferred money around to cover bills . . . shopped for food and banked the premium bond cheques . . . slept. Woke overheating and feeling none too good . . . TVd but nothing worth watching.I miss all my cable channels! . . .PCd till early. (3/10)p
22 - PCd . . . Sis1 popped in for a de-brief of her skiing holiday and chats . . . TVd . . . very tired again, even exhausted! To bed real early! (3/10)ps
23 - PCd . . . finally listened to an old cassette 'letter' to Sis2 recorded back on 27/07/86 by M/D and Grandma!!!!! Absolutely amazing to hear Grandmas voice again. Totally absorbed by the extraordinary experience!! Lost all track of time and place. Instigated vague impressions of childhood memories and all sorts of other stuff. An emotional roller coaster including tears!!?? Absolutely extraordinary experience!!!!!!!!! How powerful that must have been for Sis2 when she received it . . . inspired and dug out an old tape I had also done in my twenties to listen to. Good god what an asshole I was, talking absolute rubbish!!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't listen to it!!!!! Decided that no matter how bad I am now - I've never been so good!! . . . ML phoned to cancel the Saturday get together because the others were ill. Good. . . .SH popped in for chats and coffee. PS popped in too till early . . . PCd till early. Not a bad day. (5/10)ps
24 - Up real late! . . . ansaphone message from the TV repair place . . . PCd . . .phoned the TV place back and was told the preliminary repair estimate would be AT LEAST 108 and maybe more!!!!!! Said I'd need time to think about it. Eventually decided it wasn't worth it and resigned myself to waving it goodbye. . . .TVd . . . glass of wine and PC before early to bed.(4/10)p
25 - Took the bike to the TV repair place and tried to persuade them to give me the 25 back in exchange for the broken TV. They said no - so I let them have the TV and walked away! Phoned M/D to tell of the sad news . . . PCd . . . Sis1 popped in with dads hedge trimmer she had borrowed and jammed up with a five foot metal pole! Hillarious but embarassing for her. Managed to extracate the metal pole but the motor seemed to be jammed and possibly burned out. Uh oh. M/D phoned to touch base and confirm new TVs are real cheap. Took the opportunity to come clean about the trimmer!!! . . . PCd . . . TVd . . .played with the phone Sis1 had left and botched an aerial onto the base station. . . . PCd. (4/10)p
26 - Had a look at dad's hedge trimmer but it's definitely broken!! Peices of metal casting all broken off inside. Can't see that ever working again! Phoned him and told him. . . . decided since the weather was ok to cut down two of my leylandii trees. Filled the bin up and called a halt. A few weeks and they'll all be gone - sneaked out in the bin bit by bit. They look nice but I just don't want the bother of having to keep cutting them back every few months- especially WITHOUT a hedgetrimmer to borrow! . . .PCd . . . e-mail from BB giving me the avoidant brush off again! I think I understand COMPLETELY and know exactly what I should do and say - but you see I'm avoidant too - I don't think I can. . . .CW called to touch base and say she's been ill with a cold! I know all about how that can be!!! . . .TVd/PCd. (3/10)ps
27 - Cut a couple more of the trees down and made a pile of chopped up bits but kinda over did it and felt pretty unwell . . . slept for a couple of hours . . . cut the last tree down but left the chopping up till another day. . . went for sausage and chips and posted my completed National Census form . . . ansaphone message from IHB inviting me over but feel pretty avoidant and couldn't face phoning him back . . .TVd. . . PCd till early and sorted some stuff out with BB. (2/10)p
28 - Chopped up the last of the trees . . . slept . . . cut off the last of the tree trunks at just below ground level and covered them over to rot . . . phoned IHB to touch base. Found the conversation really stressful!!? . . . went for a kebab . . .TVd.(3/10)ps
29 - Filled the bin with chopped up trees . . . sat about in the sunny spells . . .PCd . . . slept . . . TVd . . . LB phoned to tell of her latest 'conquest'!? All right for some!!!! . . . PCd (4/10)ps
30 - Sat in the sun in the garden . . . PCd . . . TVd . . . PS popped round till early. (4/10)ps
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