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<My Diary Archive 2017 My Diary Archive>

- Up around 7am. 16C in, 9C out. Grey and a spot of rain. .as is becoming increasingly common, Bella spent the night on her own in the living room again, rather than try to climb the stairs. She was SO slow and obviously aching when I let her out, I really don't know if there is much point in dragging her out to walk later!! Seems like a bit of a catch22 at the moment. The more she just lays around hardly moving, the more she seems to stiffen-up and be in pain! Heartbreaking. :o( . . the rain increased to really quite unpleasant for much of the day, so it was easy to decide we WOULD have a day off from walking today. . . sat in the conservatory grooming Bella for ages . . guitarred briefly/TVd the day off. . ate corned beef cheese and mayo sandwiches with crisps and then some biscuits . . napped . . TVd . . ate two small sausage rolls, biscuits and a banana . . . to bed (leaving Bella in the living room) before 3am. Bella really did hardly move all day! Trips to the garden seemed reluctant, slow, laboured and painfuly stiff (rear left in particular I think). :o(
29 - Woke earlier, snoozed on then up around 8:30am. 16C in, 11C out. Sunny spells between cloud . . walked BGdns and just sat around for ages. Bella seems to have declined SO rapidly, and become aching and stiff from her back legs (I think) to such an extent, that she hardly seems to move much anymore when we get down there! Every now and then she will have a bit of a run and I think she's ok, but it's becoming rapidly apparant she very much isn't! As soon as this bank holiday weekend is out of the way, I think I'm going to have to get her to the vet for an opinion. 'Metacam' for the pain is my guess. :o( . . . ate stew and bread and butter. . PCd and knocked up the little 'blackbirds regurgitating seeds' video and uploaded it to Youtube. Funny how I've lived all this time, and filmed them multiple times in the past, but only recently observed that (normal) behaviour in them. . . napped until around 7pm . . . TVd. Poor old Bella is in terrible shape following this morning's walk. Whining and having trouble getting up from laying down, and as a result, hardly moving all evening. . drank a bottle of chocolate milk stuff while eating a Mum donated chocolate easter egg. . ate stew and bread and butter. . guitarred a little . . drank a little glass of Baileys . . to bed before 2am.
28 - Up around 7:15am. 16C in, 9C out. Grey . . . woke at the PC, and finally decided to pull the plug on my Facebook activities. Made a couple of posts here and there to confirm I am no longer posting images up there. It feels to me as though the whole thing has become SUCH a 'mess', I really do wish I'd never started any of it. How foolish was I to think 'I' could exist in a 'social media environment', when I can't even exist in the real world! . . .. walked BGdns and back via the local store for mostly tobacco supplies . . . drank a little glass of Baileys while cooking up a small pot of mince stew. . ate stew and bread and butter . . . napped until 7pm . . . DF called in for me to have a rude and unpleasant go at him until around 10pm! The lifeboat was on a shout throughout much of that time, towing back 'Ruby Tuesday' apparantly. The coastguard seemed particularly interested in details of the vessel because it'd apparantly been the subject of at least four shouts over the last six weeks I think was what they said! . . .TVd . .aimlessly PCd for a bit, managing to resist the temptation to go on facebook at all, in order to avoid further mental turmoil. . ate bowls of co co pops before finally to bed around 3am.
27 - Up around 6:30am. 15C in, 4C out. Sunny to start . . waking at the PC, the AIS and radio comms suggested that the 'pirate galleon' type ship (Nao Victoria) which according to the AIS yesterday was estimated to arrive for the weekend pirate festival last night, was actually 'just' arriving. Figured it was maybe worth a look so quickly got out and headed for BGdns as fast as Bella can now seem to manage. . that all turned out to be a wasted effort. By the time I got down into the lower gardens, the ship was already in and mooring up in the distance. . sat around for a short while before heading down to the harbour to have a closer look at it. . all of a sudden I was hailed from one of the inner harbour fishing boats by a fisherman. (Far more common for the fishermen especially to turn away, avoid eye contact and give one the cold shoulder.) He asked me to stop taking photos of him and posting them to facebook! I assured him I had already stopped, said I couldn't undo what had been done, and apologised to keep him happy. FFS! That really IS THE last straw. I absolutely MUST resist the desire to post ANYTHING there anymore. The amount of grief and unpleasantness this has all caused me is utterly beyond my understanding. . instant VERY down mood and mental turmoil again! :o( . . had a look at the pirate boat but really couldn't care less and ended up sat on the bench by the old coastguard station for my coffee, wrestling with negative thoughts again. Chilly in the shade there . . retreated back to BGdns for a while before heading home. . . sat in the garden for a little while trying oh SO hard to muster the energy to do something around the place, but yet again, I was consumed by black thoughts and the utter, UTTER pointlessness of my existance and just couldn't. . . aimlessly PCd looking at TVs for a bit. . ate a pastry slice and crisps before succumbing to the desire ('need') to just return to the warmth of bed. Managed to sleep until near 7pm . . . TVd the night off. . ate jaffa cakes and then sausages, eggs, beens and bread and butter . . . to bed around 3am.
26 - Up around 8am. 16C in, 6C out. Mostly cloudy grey . . walked across town to the vet to pick up stocks of Bella's (cheaper) tablets. Carried on down to town and the harbour. Toured a few charity shops but very soon had had enough of being amongst the busyness of it all. The harbour now feels like a very much less than pleasant place for me. Soon escaped back up into BGdns to sit around with my coffee etc before home via the store for a few supplies . . . cooked and ate four sausages, two eggs, a fried bread crust, fried potato and beans followed by a couple of chocolate biscuits. . . napped . . . PCd. Made the mistake of commenting on someone elses FB post. They'd recently taken a very good photo of a steam train with Goodrington in the background, but they'd then gone on to post another image of it all 'photoshopped' and 'aged' and made to look like one of the old photographs/post cards. As such images inexplicably always seem to do, it was greatly liked and loads of comments kept being made on it which 'irritatingly' constantly brought it to the top of the group timeline. Messing around with photos like that is absolutely not my thing, each to their own, but what particularly bugged me about what he'd done was that he'd actually incorporated a false 1952 date into the image. Contrary to almost all the other comments praising the image, I expressed how I thought adding the false date was a step too far. He quickly responded seeking clarification of why I objected, and then seemed to be overly defensive and unpleasantly dismissive of my reasoning! FFS! At around the same time, someone posted to the Fishing group asking if I was ok and then having a 'comments conversation' about how I was being initimidated by local youths!!! TOTALLY the wrong end of the stick of recent events/posts etc. The guy had completely missed the fact that all that was Bristol over ten years ago and NOT here!!! Facebook really IS an absolute cesspit of peoples ignorance and stupidity. It SO gets me down, over and over again! :o( . . . TVd . . . ate weetabix and jaffa cakes . . to bed around 1:30am.
25 - Up around 6am. 15C in, 1C out. Cold clear sky sunny to start. . . walked BGdns a bit earlier than what has become my usual. Turned out to be blowy, cold and unpleasant with a very chilly NW type wind. Sheltered in a gun emplacement for a bit before sitting on the top seat in a sunny sepll or two for my coffee and then straight home. . . ended up PCing the day way editing down some of the footage that I'd shot on Sunday of the divers clearing the 'ghost gear' from the seabed. I HAD been determined not to film or post anything again, but the appearance of the seal as if it was supervising the works had me belatedly film just a bit of what they'd been doing as they stopped. Seemed a shame not to edit it down and make a little video of it to 'give back to them' kinda. . at length I called it quits on the little video and then set it uploading to both Youtube and FB. . drank a glass of wine and cooked and ate two chicken kievs with chips followed by a few chocolate buttons . . . napped for a couple of hours until 7pm leaving the PC still uploading. . . PCd and attempted to make sense of and modify my facebook privacy settings to prevent anyone from commenting on my timeline before eventually sharing the post here and there as felt appropriate. Sharing things I've witnessed with at least 'someone', is gonna be a real hard habit to break so it would appear!! :o( . . . TVd/guitarred . . ate a banana, jaffa cakes and a couple of pieces of buttered toast before to bed around 2:30am or later.
24 - Up around 7am. 17C in, 7C out. Sunny. My stomach feels very iffy after that sudden mass of food yesterday. . .rang the vet and requested they get supplies of Bella's (cheaper) medication for me. . walked. I pass a small overgrown communal bit of grass on the way to BGdns, and for the past several days I'd noticed someone had apparantly dumped a lawn mower there, with the matching grass box thrown a short distance away. This morning it appeared someone had attached a hand scribbled notice to it. I couldn't resist the quick detour to go and read what it said. I'd initially assumed that maybe someone had said something about how outrageous it was whoever had just dumped it there, but it actually turned out to say - "FREE - TAKE IT, FIX IT, USE IT, CABLE NEEDS FIX". Oh wow. How bizarre that someone would leave it there like that (for days - but luckily no rain!), allegedly just for the sake of a cable!?? Oh boy, is that tempting!! . . . sat around in BGdns for an hour or two before eventually heading back. Stopped along the way to have another more detailed look at the dumped lawn mower. As far as I could tell, it looked in pretty fine shape apart from the cable which had obviously been mown over and cut and damaged on more than one occasion, and dangerously/poorly lashed back together with a couple of block connectors and loads of gaffa tape!! . The danger with taking it home and trying to fix it was that if it was actually NOT working, not only would I have wasted lots of effort and work, but I'd then have the difficulty of getting rid of it myself (without a car etc.)! Ummd and ahhd for quite a while before eventually re-attaching the grass box and deciding to push it all the way home - and all of that in front of a bus load of onlookers stopped at the bus stop opposite! lol . .wheeled the mower down the back lane and briefly left it by my gate whilst I walked all the way round and through the house to bring it into the back garden. . spent the next several hours messing around with the mower. Seperated the cable at the first bit of damage and re-fitted the plug to the short two or three feet of cable which remained, just to be able to see if it actually was working and worth any further work. Amazingly it WAS working fine. A quick test of the mower on the lawn confirmed it worked really rather well. Better than my own hover mower at cutting the actual grass - but because of the awkward shapes of my lawns and the fact this one has wheels, a little more awkward to manouver around. . Image of a dumped/salvaged lawnmowerended up managing to use a small block connector safely positioned inside the plastic safety-handle body to splice the power cable and then reattach the length that wasn't damaged - which ended up being only around twenty feet or so. Too short for most gardens, but still enough to make it entirely useable with an extension lead (which 'I' always have to use in my gardens anyway because of the length of them and distance of the lawns from the house etc). I was SO pleased with my 'aquisition', I even then 'did a dad' and spent an hour or two just washing and cleaning the whole thing up as best I could. . . because of the wheels on that one, and the fact that I prefer a lighter hover mower for my awkward lawns, and because I have to carry the thing through the house to do the front lawn, I figured it would make an ideal replacement for Mum's old knackered one (despite the fact that she is now definitely past likely to ever mow her own lawns ever again). Ended up eventually setting off with Bella and the mower heading up to Mums. A neighbour came to her gate just up the road as I was passing - and asked if I was ok, having seen all the recent Facebook nonsense! nice of her and all, but VERY embarassing!!!! :o( . . .

quickly mowed Mum's front bit of lawn as a test. Wow - that really is a rather decent mower. All I need now is to try to get some longer length of wire from somewhere sometime.

Sis2 coincedentally and unexpectedly called whilst I was still there, so we all ended up having a chat on the phones for quite a long while. Haven't spoken to her for ages! . . eventually left the mower in Mum's garage and headed home to clear up all my tools etc . . . TVd feeling VERY tired - and itchy! . . ate a small steak and kidney pie with crisps followed later by a handful of weetabix . . early to bed by around 11:30pm.
23 - Up around 9am after poor fitful sleep. 17C . Sunny . walked BGdns and ended up sat around for ages watching divers and a rib clearing discarded/lost fishing gear from the sea bed nearby. Sat on the warmer high seat for my coffee, listening to the blackbird sining in the usual tree in front of me. Even ended up sat on the grass pointing the camcorder at it again for a while. In the middle of it singing it repeatedly seemed to regurgitate and spit something out again. I've never seen anything like this until recently. Weird. . .back home via the tsore for supplies. . . ate a couple of small steak and kidney pies . . .slept until just before 7pm . . guitarred/TVd the evening off. . . ate a large pepperoni pizza followed later by weetabix - a huge amount! . . . to bed around 2am.
22 - Up around 7:45am. 16C in, 11C out. Cloudy . . walked BGdns

back via the store for supplies . . . managed to muster up the energy (just!) to mow both lawns . . . cooked and ate two chicken kiev things with chips . . . back to bed until woken around 7pm by DF calling-in! . . arguments until around 10pm . . . guitarred/TVd . . ate a sausage roll with crisps . . PCd until gone 4am trying to look at new TVs. A daunting selection available, all far more expensive than they were just a few months ago, and who knows how quickly THEY will all cease to operate with the new built-in obsolescence of the software and apps etc! :o( . . eventually to bed to feel strangely awake and unable to sleep for ages.
21 - Up around 8:10am. 16C in, 12C out. Sunny spells. . no appetite at all, but the amount I've been managing to eat of late has been so pitifully little, I am in a constant state of stomach discomfort and hunger. Forced down three weetabix before an annadin tablet. . Mum called. Had to cut the conversation and have her call back after I'd thrown-up! So much for breakfast! . . ended up having a long conversation after having explained I was having a hard time 'psycologically' at the moment. Even ended up reading her the 'response' I'd posted. She ended up upset and apparantly shedding a tear - which set me off a bit!!

Phoned CN (humiliating!), thanked him for his concern and assured him there was no need for 'concern' ( although I'm not so sure myself! ).

walked BGdns real late and just sat around for a long while with my coffee and cigarettes. I still felt mentally in a terrible mess, but without doubt, just 'some' of the pressure I'd felt under of late, felt as though it had been 'slightly' released by having my rant and posting it to Facebook. . No matter how sunny it may be, I always sit in the shade and end up feeling frozen. Moved to the higher seat to warm up just a bit before heading straight home, feeling utterly utterly exhausted . . sat in front the TV for a bit before having a drink of wine and eating a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. . . napped until around 6pm . . . TVd . . guitarred - although bizarrely I just couldn't remember half the stuff I'd been practicing in recent times. My mind really has taken a battering these last couple of weeks - and still uncontrollably continually drifts away into absurd internal 'dialogues'. Worrying. :o( . . TVd . . .ate a pastry slice, crisps, jaffa cakes and biscuits. Today I mostly tried to just eat enough! . . to bed gone 1am or whenever.
20 - Up around 8:05am. 16C in, 8C out. Mostly cloud. Bad headache again. Annadin tablet for breakfast . . .walked and ended up heading down to CCove, just so as to get away from people and not have to make conversation with any passers-by. I am SO full of bitterness, anger and hurt right now, I can't seem to pretend to be pleasant anymore, and am actively driving away the few people/dog walkers who do dare to talk to me. :o( . . sat on a rock on the beach for a while, all the while fighting to stay in the moment and not disappear into my bitter thoughts and absurd mental dialogues. As soon as someone else appeared on the beach I was off, heading up through what used to be the woods. First time I've walked up through there for a while, and since the stopped cutting it all down. A tragic tragic scene of UTTER devastation is all that now remains. Still smouldering heaps of burned wood here and there.

sat in BGdns for my coffee before eventually heading straight home . . . PCd for hours again, still trying to put together a response to recent FB events etc. . retreated to bed until 7pm . . . back to the PC and after many more hours, eventually decided to call it quits and upload enough to feel as though I had at least had a chance to 'explain' things - just a tiny bit. I'm under no illusions. It's gonna probably make things worse, and could even see the whole Bristol type scenario start up all over again here locally, but I really am now past the point of caring. It was absolutely necessary for 'me' to at least say SOMETHING about it all to someone! (The actual post on Facebook)

How DOES Someone Survive Being FALSELY Accused of Being A Paedophile? ("Why do you keep yourself hidden though?")

On the 9th April 2017 I made a photo post to my Facebook timeline and shared that post to the ‘Devon & Brixham Photos’ Group. For the record, this is what actually occurred on the morning of that day.
I was not ‘hidden’. I was innocently sat on a seat in lower Battery Gardens like I do every day, as were many others on nearby seats enjoying the fine weather and bay wide views at the time. A young woman climbed to the elevated top of the searchlight gun emplacement fifty feet or so in front of where I was sat, and unexpectedly started doing impressive and mostly upside-down gymnastics in front of everyone - and the whole of Torbay. As a photographer and imagined amateur ‘photo/video journalist’ it made for an extraordinary scene with hazy Torbay in the background, and it was enormously difficult not to immediately reach for my camera. THE SEX OR AGE OF THE INDIVIDUAL WAS ENTIRELY IRRELAVANT. The combination of upside-down and background scenery was HUGELY photo worthy, for the most innocent of obvious reasons. Nevertheless, with someone else already videoing her on their mobile phone, I reluctantly elected to simply continue to observe. A short while later she stopped her routine. I was joined on my seat by a lady acquaintance that had just been in conversation with ‘the gymnast’. As we sat and chatted, the young woman returned to the top of the gun emplacement and started more of her poses as everyone watched. The lady acquaintance next to me remarked “Isn’t it wonderful to be young and flexible.” ‘I don’t think I was ever THAT ‘young’’ was my attempt at a humorous response, with reference to our mutual age-related stiffness, aches and pains. I could resist no longer. I pulled my camcorder from my pocket and managed to capture a small handful of still shots of the different poses (the upside-down ones especially what I wanted) with hazy Torbay in the background, before she ceased and walked away.
Since the individual’s identity could not possibly be ascertained from the faceless images I’d captured, I deemed the extraordinary images were worthy of an innocent Facebook post to the ‘Devon & Brixham Photos’, with comments disabled to spare me feeling obliged to respond to any idiotic comments. In the generally accepted manner of double quoting, to imply words spoken or thought by an individual in the images, I captioned the post "Yep. Whichever way you want to look at it, it's a beautiful view.". The innocent humour intended with that caption, was suggesting that no matter how SHE looked at the bay wide view (upside-down or not) SHE too thought it was a great view. No room for any filthy innuendo, just humorous and innocent.

Never having had cause to hide behind any privacy settings, despite having disabled comments on the shared post, I soon found absurd, upsetting and derogatory comments had been made on my timeline post, ‘implying’ a perverse and sexual motive for my having taken the photos and shared the post. The final straw for me was the comment "Why do you keep yourself hidden though?" In the context of being a comment to that post, and following the other comments that had been made, the ‘implication’ seems deliberate, overt and inescapable. That I was hiding away surreptitiously seeking to take photographs of young girls . . . that I am a paedophile!!!

So how am I supposed to answer this LATEST ‘accusation’?
Perhaps I SHOULD go through the agony of remembering, and the humiliation of speaking about, how my life was ended in Bristol? I could tell you what it would be like to see your neighbourhood of twenty years taken-over by lawless streetwise youths. I could tell you what would happen if you were nave enough to report everything to the police like the government’s ‘Big Society’ initiative of the time suggested you should. I could tell you how YOU would then become the target for their aggression, entertainment and ‘fun’. I could tell you how quickly they could end YOUR life – not with a knife or a gun, but with nothing more than a word.
That word is PAEDOPHILE.
I could tell you what it’s like to have that shouted at you in the street whenever you left your home (TWICE a day to walk the dog!) – for MONTHS. I could tell you how that would make you feel and how quickly your alleged friends and neighbours would melt away or turn their back on you and not want to be involved. I could tell you how UTTERLY powerless you would feel, when told you can’t do anything but call the police, only to find when you do, you will be put on hold for half an hour and eventually told no police are available. I could tell you what it’s like to be told by the police to grow a hedge in your six foot wide concreted-over front garden to stop the eggs hitting your windows almost every night. I could tell you what it’s like to be stoned in the street. I could tell you what it’s like to have children baring their behinds at you in the ever growing mob that follows you whenever you go out. I could tell you what it’s like to be assaulted in the street by a mob of children and not be able to lift a finger against them as you try to escape. I could tell you what it’s like to have the parent of one of those children push his way into your home and attack you and beat you to the floor of your living-room. I could tell you what it’s like to have the prosecuter explicitly forbid you from mentioning all the months of intimidation and abuse that led up to that attack, only for the magistrates to then disbelieve part of your testimony, and to then feel as though you had been branded a liar as a result. I could tell you what it's like to have the police call in, only to find it was because they were investigating YOU, because your convicted attacker had made paedophile allegations. I could tell you what it’s like to live in the knowledge that you have been made a ‘legitimate’ target for every delinquent youth or drunken yob who wants to make a name for himself by giving someone a beating – or worse. I could tell you what it feels like to be given advanced warning by e-mail that ‘they’ are all coming to ‘batter you’ tonight. I could tell you what it’s like to cower in front of your CCTV monitor waiting for the police not to turn up in time, as the ever growing mob outside calls you out and throws things at your property. I could tell you how it feels to watch as bricks are thrown at and through the windows of your car – your only means of escape. I could tell you what it’s like to have to suddenly decide what is precious and what to take, as you are escorted away from your home for your own safety in the middle of the night by the police. I could tell you what it’s like to suddenly find yourself ‘homeless’, with everything you’d ever worked for left behind at the mercy of the mob. I could tell you what it’s like to be a broken and worthless ‘refugee’ in an unfamiliar land, standing on the rocks of Battery Gardens contemplating suicide, only to end up feeling yet more of a failure because you just couldn’t ‘quite’ go ahead with it like you should. I could tell you what it’s like to bundle your girlfriend onto a plane because you couldn’t guarantee her safety, ultimately never to see her again because you’d been changed into someone unpleasant to be around. I could tell you what it’s like to live the rest of your life in a CONSTANT state of vigilance, anxiety, fear and panic whilst you wait for the next potential attack - from anyone/everyone at any time/all the time. I could tell you what it’s like to become incapable of forming further relationships with anyone ‘human’. I could tell you of the utter terror you would feel when in a crowd, or confronted by someone’s child who simply wants to engage in an innocent conversation. I could tell you about living a decade and more in complete isolation and what that would do to your state of mind. I could tell you what it’s like to be a ‘dead man walking’. I could tell you what it’s like to be fearful for your sanity. I could tell you what it's like to feel you have to use a pseudonym on social media because it would be too risky for yourself (and others) for you to use your own name. I could tell you what it's like to naively let your guard down and feel your ‘existence’ was 'tolerated' in this new place, only to then find evidence to suggest it likely that foul rumours had been spread about you without your knowledge behind peoples Facebook privacy settings.

I could tell you all these things and SO much more, but I know there is no point. Nothing I can say can EVER remove the filthy stain that has unjustly and wrongfully been placed upon my good character, or the cloud of suspicion that through human-nature WILL STILL persist in the back of peoples minds for the whole of the rest of what remains of my life. It is also my painful experience that on the rare occasions I have dared to try to tell anyone of some of these events, they are incapable of believing it could actually happen. It couldn’t POSSIBLY happen to THEM. Far more reassuring for them to cling to their comforting ignorance and ‘blame the victim’.


So . . . what of ‘How DOES someone survive being FALSLEY accused of being a paedophile?’. Well . . . I’ll tell you.
They don’t.

TVd . . forced down a meat pastry slice and a few chocolate biscuits . . .to bed before 2am or whenever.
19 - Up around 6:45am. 16C in, 8C out. Broken cloud. Annadin. . walked BGdns. Plenty of old sail ships sailing around the bay with people watching and taking photos etc. I mostly resisted taking any photos - and felt increasingly hurt and bitter toward humanity, and showed it to any passers-by that 'demanded' I speak.. .

PCd trying to type a response again but acheiving nothing but driving myself further into what is fast becoming the worst mental state I've EVER been in! The constant intrusive dialogue of my mind where I am 'imagining' trying to explain it all is something over which I seem to have little control and it's really taken over my every waking moment. Is this what is referred to as a phsychotic episode? This is awful new territory for me, and unless I can get a grip on it, I'm gonna be in serious need of some sort of professional 'intervention' - which in itself is of course utterly impossible for me. Someone who can't now easily leave the house or tolerate being around humans one little bit, is supposed to go out and seek help from humans. Real dangerous 'Catch-22/I have no other option/SId' stuff!!! . . back to bed and uncomfortable fitful sleep until 7pm . . stared at the TV, most of the time with the volume off and trapped in my overwhelming thoughts again. . forced down a cold tin of baked beans and a banana . . to bed before 2am.
18 - Up around 6:45am. Bella was on her own downstairs!? Thankfully no 'deposits' anywhere. 16C in, 7C out. Sunny. . .eventually walked BGdns and sat around in the shady cold for a long while. A bit of a NE wind blowing making the waters of the bay a little boisterous. A tall ship was anchored in the bay with more heading-in towards Torquay. Some sort of race or other departing tomorrow I think. I haven't even bothered looking it up. I really am starting to fear for my psychological state! Every day the thoughts of 'injustice' and hurt and suicidal ideation uncontrollably fill my mind from the moment I awake to the moment I fall asleep. Concentrating enough to be able to simply assemble what I need to head out to walk Bella, or make a cup of coffee, etc etc is more than I can manage and takes a huge effort - before immediately finding myself locked back in a fantasy world of 'conversations' with accusers trying to explain my innocence etc etc.

back via the local store and pet store for supplies . . . PCd and started trying to write something of an account/'response' to recent events. Hugely difficult, and involves having to recall details of events in Bristol and relive all of it all. Exhausting and aggravating to the perpetual feeling of nausea I now seem to have to live with. Took me a couple of hours just to manage to type a sentence or two before feeling headachey, utterly exhausted and very nauseas, demanding I return to bed. . tossed and turned for maybe a couple of hours . . . sat in front the TV all evening. Locked in my thoughts, I had no idea what was on it most of the time, and often ended up with the volume turned off because I just couldn't stand the noise. . . forced down a tuna and mayo sandwich and a banana . . back to bed gone 1am.
17 - Up around 7am. 16C in, 9C out. Mostly grey. . went on-line and ordered the remaining 400 tablets remaining on Bellas most recent perscription. The rapidity of her declining condition and the pain she is apparantly in from her back legs, has reached a point where I think I'm soon gonna have to visit the vet and probably end up having to give her yet more medication (Metacam?) to keep her going!! :o(.walked BGdns and sat around in the cold shade for ages. . . . ate a pastry slice and crisps . . slept . . TVd nothing . . ate jaffa cakes and weetabix before back to bed around 1am.
16 - Woke earlier then up around 7am. 15C in, 7C out. Sunny. . . walked BGdns . . .TVd/PCd trimmed my hair etc . . slept . . .TVd nothing/drank wine . . forced down two cheeseburgers and chips followed later by a handful of weetabix . . . to bed whenever.
15 - Up around 7:30am. 16C in, 9C out. Grey and damp after a shower. . . walked BGdns . . . drank off the day with wine . . .back to bed until 7pm . . TVd nothing. . . forced down mini cheddars, crisps, banana, chicken coujons with mayo and biscuits . . . to bed around 2am.
14 - Woke earlier then up around 7:30am. 16C in, 7C out. Plenty grey. . . walked BGdns and just sat around on one of the usual lower seats for ages - for a good portion of that time being 'irritated' by a handful of jet-skiers 'tearing-up' the local coves at high speeds etc! . ended up chatting to dog walker S for quite a long time. . . eventually headed home. Ended up detouring to show a couple of dog walkers looking for a cash-point the way to the local store. . had a quick rummage through all the bric a brac that was displayed in someones driveway, being sold in aid of Brixham Does Care I think it was. Mostly 'junk' and nothing much of interest. Had a a good long inspection of a 'walker' with a seat, of the type I could imagine Mum one day needing to help her walk, but at 15 it seemed too much of a gamble, and I knew full well that Mum would end up NOT using it, so I eventualy resisted and carried on my way. . stopped at the local store for a few supplies. . passed a skip in someones garden on the way home. A big roll of foam was laying in amongst the other rubbish (like a miniature/narrow single bed matress topper perhaps?) . It occurred to me I could maybe make use of it somewhere - perhaps for Bella to lay on when next to me on the floor in the PC room? In recent weeks she seems to have suddenly and rapidly started to decline and exhibit stiffness and pain from her back legs, and when she gets up and lays down, now often whines with the discomfort - and is having increasing difficulty simply negotiating the stairs!!! I knocked on the door of the house and was given permission to take it by the VERY elderly lady who reluctantly answered the door. It turned out to be cut/damaged at one end of the length, but may yet be of some use, somehow somwhere, perhaps if wrapped in an old single duvet cover. It also turned out to be that weird nice sort of 'memory foam' type stuff, which kinda leaves a hand impression when you press on it. . . Mum called and let me know someone had asked if I was ok, due to my abrupt disappearance from FB!!! Bizarre.

. . . dismantled Bella's stack of duvets bed, put a clean cover on, and put the heavily soiled duvet cover through the wash. The old waterproof liner I'd had everything of hers in inside the cover had long since somhow split and fallen to bits, so that was sadly finally consigned to the bin, leaving the stack of old duvets with now no protection from future 'leakage' events. . . ate a Mum donated pork pie, sausage roll, bag of crisps and then a couple of pieces of buttered toast (once I'd scraped off a bit of mould! lol I've no idea what they are doing to bread these days, but in the fridge, some of the bread I've recently bought has seemed to last for a VERY long time without becoming inedible as it once more quickly would. . . retreated to sleep . . . TVd nothing all evening . . . ate two ham finger rolls, crisps and jaffa cakes . . . to bed around 1am.
13 - Up around 7:15am. 16C in, 9C out. Grey. . . walked BGdns. Forced myself to reluctantly go down the harbour. It was busy and felt like an alien place full of danger and unpleasantness - for me. . Sat on the 'holidaymaker' seats near Rockfish for my coffee before home through town . . walked up Mums with a couple of screwdrivers and after confirming all was dry and ok, reinstated the insulation and partial stop tap cover back as it was . . . cooked and ate chips, peas and a meat pastry slice . . . escaped back to bed . . .aimlessly TVd nothing . . .ate jaffa cakes and a mum donated pork pie . . . to bed around 1am.
12 - Up around 6:45am. 16C in, 7C out. Mostly cloud. . . walked early straight up Mums to offer support should the plumber guy I called turn up (although of course I fully expected him not to). . oh wow - the guy turned up exactly as he said he would around 8:15am. Somehow he almost immediately gave the impression of being a real decent guy and quickly set about extracting the innards of the non working stop tap. Turned out the internal rubber washer was entirely missing!! He replaced it and soon enough had the thing back working fine again. He did also have a look at the bath tapp inserts and put some lubricant on at least one, and that was the immediate problem over and done with, without having to actually replace the stop tap or do any soldering etc, etc. Basically - all a simple DIY job which theoretically 'I' should have done (if I wasn't in such a state and SO lacking in the ability to do ANYTHING these days). Mum gave him 55 for the work. . . walked Bgdns and just sat around feeling down for ages. A 'Merlin' helicopter flew by pretty close. Couldn't resist getting the camcorder out and giving it a go, just out of habit, but of course I have no intention of posting it anywhere so the attempt was utterly pointless. Part of a Naval passing-out parade (attended by a royal) at Dartmouth apparantly . . . eventualy straight home via the local store . . ate a meat pastry slice with crisps and mini cheddars followed by a couple of chocolate biscuits . . . slept for a couple of hours . . did the mountain of dish washing chores . . aimlessly TVd . . . ate meat pastry slice with mini cheddars followed later by bowls of co co pops . . . back to bed whenever.
11 - Up around 7:15am. 16C in, 7C out. Sunny again. . .rang a plumber number Mum had given me. he 'said' he'd be in to look at her stop-tap around 8:15am tomorrow . . walked BGdns and just sat around for ages before home via the pet store. . .ate a pizza . . .returned to bed . . . TVd and drank wine. . ate around six weetabix before to bed before midnight.
10 - Up around 7:30am. 17C in, 9C out. Sunny again. . slow getting going. Still in a fully bad state, really not wanting contact with anyone for anything any more. The LAST thing I want right now is to be having to deal with Mum's plumbing! . . Mum called. She wasn't even aware I'd hung up on her last night, until I opologised for doing so. . . eventually mustered up some tools and walked them up to Mums in a rucsack. .

no can do

dropped off tools at home and then walked BGdns. Felt like a whole different place, and there was no pleasure at all for me sitting around there. Having to be polite to people passing who insisted on talking was more than I could bear, and I ended up sat down on the floor largely out of sight atop the rocks by the yacht club hut with my coffee - and cigarettes! Eventually straight back home . . . just sat around for a while before returning to bed until the 7pm alarm . . .aimlessly TVd . . . forced down a pack of jaffa cakes and then a cold tin of sausages in baked beans from the tin . . . to bed around midnight.
9 - Up around 7:45am after a weird few hours of dream/nightmare laden fitful sleep. 16C in, 10C out. A fairly dense mist, but sunny above it . . walked BGdns, out to sit on the breakwater and back to out of the way down the harbour steps for my coffee. Home through town . . .ate ham and mayo sandwiches, crisps and mini cheddars . . PCd and did a couple of posts to FB. One, of a few snaps of a young woman doing acrobatic poses atop the gun emplacement, saw me get unpleasant comments which SO got to me, I ended up just turning the PC off and walking away from it all in a TERRIBLE down/s-ideation state of mind.

My last FB post - AGAIN? What the fuck is the matter with people!

mum called about her broken stop tap and leaking bathroom tap. I ended up hanging up on her!

. . . ate bowls of co-co pops . . . TVd until to bed around midnight.
8 - Up around 9:30am feeling pretty rough. 17C in, 11C out. Sunny again. . walked real late. Just up the road someone was getting ready to be going to a wedding and a stunning green american car was sat outside waiting for them. It looked SO good gleaming in the sun, I even pulled the camera out to take a few shots to 'share'. Immaculate condition . .down in Bgdns it was pretty much a sunny repeat of the last couple of days - but now the busier weekend of course. A nice looking motor vessel was anchored in the cove, rather I thought, proving my point about the absurdity of the new 'seagrass friendly' mooring that had been put in down there. I really find it hard to believe anyone would ever use that mooring given where it is and all. . lots of boats about but a fairly thick haze in the air reduced visibility/photo taking . a group of people ended up hanging around on the lower path whilst I was sat on one of our usual seats.

more cremated remains being put down over the rocks

. eventually carried on down to the harbour

dutch artist painting

sat on the breakwater for quite a long while before eventually returning to the harbour to sit away from people down the harbour steps to drink my coffee. . . shopped for a couple of supplies before home through town . . drank a little red wine while cooking up two chicken kievs, peas and chips . . . napped - for around four hours until 8pm again!!! . . . TVd . .PCd until early posting photos etc . .ate a handful of jaffa cakes before to bed gone 3am.
7 - Up around 8:30am. 17C in, 9C out. Sunny again. . . walked BGdns.

'balloon' man . . . shopped for a few supplies

shoplifter . . .

ate chopped ham and pork with mayo sandwiches with crisps . . . napped for around four hours until the alarm at 8pm!!! . . . TVd . . . PCd for hours . . . to bed gone 4am.

6 - Woken around 6am by Bella heading out of the room!? Raced to let her out into the garden. 15C in, 1C out. Clear sky. Tried to get back to sleep but couldn't so got up. Hungry and aching. A couple of chocolate biscuits and an annadin tablet for breakfast at the PC . . .walked Bgdns. A new lot of cremated remains had been poured onto the rocks near the yacht club hut. Eventually carried on around the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater in the sun for a while. What a stunning 'summer' day. It was so hot sat there, I even dipped Bella in the sea with some ball-play on the breakwater slipway as we headed back, just to cool her down a bit . sat near the old coastguard station for my coffee. . briefly shopped before heading home through town . . .ate a meat and pastry slice with crisps and mini cheddars . . napped, but only for an hour or two. Woke from a nightmare! :o( . . . PCd and did a handful of 'just for fun' captioned posts to FB . . . TVd . . ate a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and a handful of jaffa cakes . . . to bed gone midnight.
5 - Woke earlier, snoozed on then up around 7:45am. 16C in, 9C out. Sunny. . . walked Bgdns, the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater for quite a long while. Eventually back to the harbour and treated myself to a rare bag of chips. 1.90 just for a regular bag of chips!! That seems like a lot of money to me! Sat on the rabour steps near the Golden Hind replica to eat them. Even then, I had people interrupt me wanting to fuss Bella etc. . straight home through town . . . mowed both lawns and then ended up messing around with the paving slabs at the top of the garden for the rest of the day. That long ornamental type marsh grass or whatever it is has totally taken over the top of the garden (again) and had started growing, together with weeds, in all the cracks between the loose lain slabs. The whole top of the garden had started to disappear into it all, and cutting it all back all the time has started to be a real pain in the ass. Figured it was high time I lifted that last couple of rows of slabs, dug it all out and then put the slabs back with bits of plastic under them to try to slow down/mostly stop further growth like I've done elsewhere up there with 'reasonable' success. Used opened up sheets of empty sacks of dog food to cover all the earth beneath before getting all the slabs loosely back in place. Dug out and ditched the old rotten tree stump and rose from up there in the process. All looks rather bare at the moment, but hopefully it 'should' mean less work in the future. Sadly I ended up with a huge pile of garden waste and debris to somehow now get rid of! . . . TVd/guitarred, aching and exhausted. . . ate chocolate biscuits and bowls of co co pops . .PCd briefly before to bed around 2am.
4 - Up at 9am. 17C in, 10C out. Sunny after the nights rain. . . slow getting going and felt utterly exhausted, and somehow eventually decided I was NOT going to walk today and was going to have a much needed day off from it all. . carried on PCing and finished off editing a bit of video I wanted to post of a freshly painted trawler etc. . . returned to bed until evening . . TVd/guitarred/drank wine. .ate three small apple pies . . cooked and ate a saucepan full of chopped ham and pork with buttery mixed veg . . to bed around 2am.
3 - Up around 8am. 16C in, 8C out. Mostly grey but improving. . .walked BGdns, the harbour, out to the breakwater and back . . home via the pet store for Bella food supplies . . . PCd the rest of the day away until early! . . ate tuna and mayo sandwiches with crisps before to bed before 2:30am.
2 - Up around 9:10am. 17C in, 14C out. Sunny . . .walked BGdns, the harbour, a sit on the breakwater, back to the harbour for my coffee under the old fish market roof and home through town . . . guitarred. TVd. . ate four quarter pound cheese burgers in buttered baps followed by three small apple pies and later on some biscuits . .woke in the chair and to bed at 2am.
1 - Up around 8am. 16C in, 10C out. Sunny spells after a rain front passed through in the night. My stomach still feels a bit iffy. . .walked BGdns real late. Sheltered from plenty of passing drizzle in the gun emplacement for ages before heading down to the harbour. I guess its a school holiday because all of a sudden the place was really busy and bustling like throughout the summer season. From my point of view, not so pleasant of course. Just walking around anywhere takes a lot longer now because of all the dawdling abruptly-stopping, in a world of their own people!! . carried on out and sat on the breakwater for a while before returning to the cover of the old fish market roof to sit and drink my coffee as some heavier drizzle slowly moved through. . shopped for a couple of supplies before home through town . . . sat around for a while before ending up laying down for a nap until gone 7pm. . . TVd a bit before ending up on the PC doing a whole series of 'just for fun' captioned photo posts.

. . . drank red wine and then well after midnight cooked a couple of small very cheap(date)/reduced-price pork steaks with buttered peas and chips. Ate a decent sized meal for a change (despite my teeth) followed by a handful of chocolate biscuits. I need to try to force myself to eat more. Since having to endure these appalling fitting false teeth, I really have eaten less and less, and I actually stood on the bathroom scales today just to check if I was imagining my trousers feeling loose. It would appear I have lost around a stone in weight since I last checked! Slipping back down towards ten and a half stone I think it was!! No wonder I'm aching and tired all the time. :o( . . . to bed before 3am.

31 - Up around 8:15am. 17C in, 11C out. Sunny spells. . .briefly dashed out into the street to investigate the unusual bird activity I spotted when pulling the curtains. A magpie was sat atop a blackbird in the middle of the road, with other magpies nearby!! Sadly the blackbird was already dead - but only very recently. It was still warm. Sad. Surpised a magpie could 'do' a blackbird like that! I shifted the carcass into the gutter away from traffic and just left it there. An hour or more later when setting out to walk, it was gone. . . walked straight up Mums to deliver some of her favourite old soap (Wrights coal tar) I'd managed to get for her in the only shop that stocks it down town, and to extract the broken bit of a screw-in light bulb that had come away and remained in her kitchen spotlights the other day. . . walked BGdns and hung around taking photos for a while before carrying on down to the harbour and eventually on out to the breakwater and the small park just past it. The two ferries I'd seen being lifted out the other day, each appeared to be having some sort of worthiness test out on the water, so of course I grabbed a few shots etc. . something amiss with my stomach. VERY painful stomach spasms/pain. So much so, I actually had to sit around all doubled over before feeling able to start heading back, and even then, having to occasionaly stop along the way to sit doubled over for a bit more! I did eventually mange to head straight home - and then straight to the bathroom! Yep - something I'd eaten had given me a bit of stomach upset. Don't recall having had stomach pains as bad as that before, just over a bit of something I'd eaten! . . . PCd and messed around with posting photos and video snips etc. . .DF called in for coffee, biscuits and arguments until around 10pm . . . TVd/guitarred briefly . . ate a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese followed by cream and co co pops . . . to bed in the early hours after waking in the chair again.
30 - Up around 7:40am. 16C in, 10C out. Mostly grey after rain. . managed to get out 'reasonably' quick and headed straight across FGn towards the yacht club area, to see if I could catch anything of the two ferries being craned back into the water this morning (so I was informed was the case by one of the operators just the other day).

. . . PCd the WHOLE rest of the day away editing the video into something 'I' think is watchable, before at long long last, setting the three hour upload to Youtube running. . . ate ham and mayo sandwiches, crisps, a pack of oven heated chicken coujons and half a cheesecake while the video(s) uploaded to Youtube. Left the PC running overnight also uploading the 'One Fine Day' compilation to Youtube.
29 - Up around 8:20am. 16C in, 10C out. Grey . . . walked BGdns . Didn't hang around for too long before heading down the harbour, although determined NOT to be taking any photos today. Sat around on the visitor seats near Rockfish for quite a long while with my coffee etc. Would you believe it - despite my 'mood' and intent not to, I STILL ended up taking photos of this and that whilst sat there - mostly the old sailing ship 'Golden Vanity' having a hull paint at low tide. I even ended up heading round towards the marina only to get half way there before taking a load more of a (another!) fishing boat having lost of its metal gantry lifted off and taken away . .briefly shopped for supplies before home through town . . .napped . . . TVd/guitarred . . ate ham and mayo sandwiches with crisps . . PCd and yep - posted pics to FB!! It's like an addiction! . . TVd and ate half a going cheap(er) cheesecake . . . to bed before 3am.
28 - Up around 8:15am. 16C in, 10C out. Grey . .back ache and feeling all tired-out as always. :o( Slow getting going. . .walked BGdns quite late. Border force cutter 'Vigilance' was moored in the bay. Sat around taking photos of anything that moved before heading in towards the harbour. A brief seal glimpse along the way. Sat on watch for a while and eventually managed a brief lackluster snip of video of it. . sat near the old coastguard station for my coffee.

PCd and ended up doing an absurd number of posts to FB, largely doing 'funny caption' ones, just for the laugh.

. . forced down a ham and mayo sandwich with crisps. . .guitarred/TVd feeling totally pissed-off with the whole FB nonsense again. People really are all just f***ing morons so it seems! I don't belong in this world. I REALLY don't! . .woke in front the TV and to bed around 3am.
27 - Up around 7:50am. 16C in, 8C out. Sunny . . .walked BGdns. Pleasant with less wind and waves than yesterday, but a lingering haze meant long range visibility was very poor. Hung around for a while before eventually ending up on the top seat for my coffee and then straight back home . . . PCd for hours trying to knock up the little collage of footage I'd somehow ended up shooting yesterday. Just a collection of random shots here and there, but trying to give a flavour of the day/place. A long tough edit but eventually called it quits and set the thing compiling. . . Mum and visiting Sis1 called in briefly for chats . . .eventually set the video uploading directly to Facebook for the several hours it took! . .sewed up the failed seam all around my multi pocket bodywarmer. Didn't spot it until I almost had my precious camcorder fall out through it this morning!!! . . TVd . . . ate a large bag of crisps and what ended up being the WHOLE (small) cold chicken, followed by a couple of mini chocolate rolls!!! . . immediately fell asleep in the chair again. I actually somehow fell asleep in the middle of reading the red button text news, which was still open n the TV screen at the same page when I eventually woke somewhere near midnight before struggling to bed! FB post:- One Fine Day.
26 - Up at 6:20am - but now 7:20am because the clocks changed forward an hour last night. 15C in, 7C out. Blue sky sunny again. . .PCd this . . walked late. Hung around in bgdns for ages shooting snips of video of this and that before then nicely catching the pilot boat going out into the rough. . while I was hanging around in the gun emplacement waiting to get shots, a couple of young women passed by heading for the rocks down by the yacht club hut. They were each carrying a couple of large carrier bags in which it appeared they had a couple of those new silver gaudy balloons with streamers attached etc. Sure enough, a short while later they let them go, to be quickly carried away to the south east by the wind. Some gesture for mothers day (deceased?) I guess? Grrrr. :o( Can't believe people are SO stupid as to release balloons like that. Ironically amongst all the flotsom blown in by the gales against the cliffs just below where they were stood was one of those balloons already littering the sea and being a potential death trap to all manner of birds and sea creatures. Really angers me people can be SO stupid. . . .In the shade and exposed to the blustery wind down there, it was really less than pleasant, but once in the sun and out of the wind, it really was a rather splendid 'summery' kinda day, with plenty of people around (Mothers day and all). Carried on down to the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater and then briefly popped up to the road vantage point above, to grab a few more snips of video. I have it in mind to do a little video record of today, for no real reason other than it was such a nice day after the recent greys and gales. A nice old Citroen car was parked on the side of the road. Amazing how much individual character old cars had, in comparison to the modern 'jelly mold' designs, which somehow all look unidentifiably the same to me. Sat down the harbourside steps near the waterline for my coffee, to avoid having to speak to people. . heading back around the harbour (at low tide) I spotted a fishing rod laying in the mud and partially wrapped in seaweed amongst the moorings and boats. As is my habit when I see such things, I couldn't resist walking the short distance out on the harbour floor to retrieve it, either in case someone could make use of it, or simply to put in a bin. Suprisingly it turned out to be in apparantly good shape, and even had a reel still attached - although I suspect a bit of rust would have put paid to the reel internals thanks to its time in teh water!! I ended up carrying it all the way home for further investigations!! lol . . headed back via Fgn and called in at Mum's for a coffee and chat . . . PCd for hours editing and eventually compiling and uploading a seal 'glimpse' snip and then the pilot boat footage . . TVd . . . ate ham sandwiches with crisps followed by a couple of Mum donated mini chocolate rolls . . .PCd some more once the Pilot Boat video was uploaded to youtube, just reviewing all the 'snips' of video I'd taken on todays walk. Gonna be a lot of work to edit all that, and I'm really not sure there's ANY point! . . . to bed around 2am. FB Posts:- Citroen , SealGlimpse
25 - Up at 7:10am. 14C in, 8C out. Sunny . . .walked Bgdns. Still a chill to the stiff blustery breeze in the shade, but out of it, a very nice day. Still quite a lot of swell to the waters of the bay, and very little movement out on it, apart from a huge number of very small sail boats over the Torquay side doing a big race. Don't think I've ever seen so many. The Torquay wheel had also been reconstructed in its slightly altered location getting ready for the summer season over the last day or so whilst the poor visibilty had meant that side couldn't be seen. . eventualy walked down the busy harbour and out to sit on the breakwater briefly before then sitting on the seat overlooking the breakwater. Bit breezy and not so warm in the shade there so ended up returning to a sunny seat near the old coastguard station for my coffee and to just sit for ages enjoying the warmth of the sun. . bumped into AC who had let me know via a FB message he was down for a few days. . . bought a chicken and a few supplies before home through town . . .briefly PCd . . ate ham sandwiches with crisps . . pottered around tidying up just a little and having a quick spin round with the vacuum . . . AC and his lady popped in somewhere near 6pm for a chat and coffee for an hour or so . . . TVd/guitarred . . .ate bowls of co co pops and cream before immediately falling asleep in front the fire and TV again!! . . woke somewhere after midnight wringing wet with sweat in front the fire! . . quickly let Bella out for her evening pee and then struggled to bed, trying not to fully wake - again! FB Post:- Halfhearted
24 - Up around 6:45am. 14C in, 6C out. Grey, breezy and damp . . walked bgdns and just hung around in the gun emplacement for ages, sheltering from the real unpleasant drizzle and cold NE type wind. Filmed as 'Wildcat1' headed out into the rough, and also grabbed a bit of footage of the sea school yacht heading back in. . eventually straight back home via the pet store for supplies. . . PCd the whole rest of the day away editing and uploading videos!! Windcat1 , Nashira , SteamingIn . . . TVd leaving the PC uploading videos still. . ate ham, cheese and mayo sandwiches with crisps and a tin of baked beans. . immediately fell asleep in the chair in front the TV and fire! . . woke and to bed (after also turning the PC off!) around 1am. FB Post:- Funny
23 - Up around 8am. 15C in, 5C out. Dark grey. . .walked BGdns and sheltered in the usual gun emplacement for quite a long while as the cold wind and drizzle made things very unpleasant. Boisterous seas in the bay too. Filmed a couple of boats coming back in. Eventually carried on down to the harbour but it felt 'arduous' walking in such conditions and I just ended up carrying on straight home . . . PCd for hours getting on top of some recent pictures and video to post, etc. . . TVd/guitarred . .forced down some biscuits, a pack of six small frankfurters with crisps, and two buttered hot cross buns . . to bed well before midnight as another storm front moved through. FB Post:- SteamingInSnips
22 - Up around 8:15am. 16C in, 5C out. Clearing showers. Bella had peed herself on her bed in the night again. :o( Partialy my fault that. I was SO tired last night, I probably didn't let her out (again!) as late as I should have before I went to bed. . walked. Bumped into K on the way and he gave me a little bag of something he'd found while picking up litter alongside the top road near the gardens. Well - thank you very much. lol . . Amazing skies around the place as big shower clouds blew through, with the occasional sunny spells/rainbow etc. Sat on the breakwater for a while before back to sit near the old coastguard station. Home through town after shopping . . .ate ham and mayo sandwiches with crisps . . PCd a bit as news of the latest lunatic attack in London started to come through. :o( . News was ALSO breaking that the whale which has been hanging around just along the coast for the last few weeks had ended up trapped in fishing gear off Blackpool Sands! :o( . . .retreated to bed. Napped until around 8pm!. Thankfully divers from the marine life rescue group had succeeded in freeing the trapped whale. . TVd/guitarred . .ate the last of the stew followed by a couple of buttered hot cross buns and then some creamy co co pops . . .to bed around 2am. FB post:- Lighthouse
21 - Up around 6:40am. 15C in, 4C out. Sunny. . . walked BGdns and sat around in the sun for quite a long while. Still a strong chilly breeze though. . eventually started to head down towards the harbour past a small group of people all heading the other way, but a few snips of radio comms and then the behaviour of a couple of people taking photos had me pause. Sure enough, as I'd read in a local news item was going to happen today, one of the TMS work boats (Indus) started heading out of the harbour to lay a new swing mooring in FCove. Ended up grabbing a couple of snips of footage as it passed and then headed back up all the steps and along the path into BGdns, and then through the cut in the brambles and down onto the rocks, a likely best vantage point. Filmed events as best I could as events unfolded. The group of people I'd passed earlier, turned out to be somehow conected with the mooring, and ended up all heading down to near where I was filming, forcing me to move across on the rocks - although their presence did add a little something to my video I thought.

. . sat around and drank my cold coffee before eventually heading straight home . . . spent pretty much the whole rest of the day labouring over the video I'd shot, trying to edit it down to a watchable 'tell the story of events' piece as short as possible. . at long long last by evening I had the finished and compiled video done, and then set it uploading to Youtube for the few hours it took . . TVd/guitarred . . .ate stew with bread and butter . . . back to the PC once the 'Sea Grass Friendly Mooring' video had eventually uploaded, and posted links etc to potentially interested parties . . eventually stumbled to bed around 2:30am as a storm front lashed the house.
20 - Up around 7:50am. 16C in, 10C out. Grey after rain and blowing. . .PCd . .walked BGdns in drizzle and sheltered in a gun emplacement for quite a long while. Eventually on down to the harbour to shelter under the old fish market roof for my coffee. . home through town, and sods law, got back just as the rain front passed and things turned to largely sunny . . PCd . . .TVd . .ate biscuits . . eventually cooked and ate a large bowl of beef mince stew with four pieces of bread and butter and immediately fell asleep in the chair again! Woke and to bed in the early hours whenever. FishermenAtWork video FB post:- PilotTx , Wonderwall
19 - Up around 7:30am. 16C in, 10C out. Grey and breezey . . .walked BGdns and then sat around for hours photographing the yachts and passing gigs, etc. . eventualy carried on down around the harbour and then out to sit on the elevated seat behind the end of the breakwater overlooking the whole of the breakwater and bay for my coffee. Some recent rebuilding/pointing works to the wall alongside the road directly in front of that seating area there included the workmen cutting back most of the obstructing overgrown vegetation, so the view from up there has been pretty much reinstated at long last - until it is all neglectfully allowed to grow back up of course. Breaks in the cloud meant almost a few sunny spells, but the breeze was still a little harsh for me. . home through town after shopping for a few supplies . . . PCd all the pictures for hours and eventually posted to FB etc . . . TVd/guitarred . . . ate ham sandwiches with crisps and sadly the last of my store of bargain price jaffa cakes. The regular price of those in the local stores seems to be almost infinitely variable, and generally far too expensive to justify buying them. . . fell asleep in the chair. Woke and struggled to bed around 3:30am! FB posts:- LP / Gig1, Gig2 / Yachts 1, 2, 3 / Funny1, Funny2, Funny3. Jeeze - so much for giving up spending my life photographing people who DO have a life!!
18 - Up around 7:45am. 16C in, 10C out. Grey and damp. . slow getting going, and actually posted some pics before heading out late . . . walked BGdns, and eventually down around the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater. The blustery wind there turned out to be most unpleasant with a hint of moisture in it, so we ended up soon heading back to sit near the old coastguard station for my coffee. Even almost a sunny spell or two while sat there. . home through town . . ate the remains of tesetrdays sausages and beans with four piece sof bread and butter . . . napped until gone 7pm . . .TVd/PCd/guitarred the night off . . cooked and ate a rice, peas tin of tuna concoction followed by a packet of jaffa cakes. . . to bed around 2:30am. Chuck Berry has died. :o( FB posts:- Gigs
17 - Up around 7:15am. 16C in, 4C out. Sunny. . . messed around on the PC for a bit and then walked BGdns, with my old tripod, a little later than usual. Sadly the sunny start had already turned to almost completely cloudy. A big barge of huge boulders for coastal defence works over towards Paington was being brought into and across the bay, so I couldn't resist grabbing a few photos of scenes around that as I waited for eleven thirtyish when there was supposed to be the 'Lynx (helicopter) farewell flypast' around this bit of the coast. Ended up sat on a flat lump of concrete near the yacht club hut with the camera and tripod all set up facing towards Berry Head (as per the route that had been advertised on-line) from just after 11ama. In the strengthening Northish type breeze, it really was actually quite cold and windswept unpleasant sitting there for so long. Waited and waited and waited - and then - would you believe it, the sound of four lynx helicopters in the distance behind me alerted me to the fact that they weren't tracking around Berry Head and right around the coast of the bay at all. They'd cut straight across from Dartmouth way, bypassing Brixham and were heading straight up around the coast over Goodrington way. WHAT a disappointment after all that waiting. Quickly spun round and 'just' managed to get a few minutes of shakey VERY distant footage (with the camera autofocus also having difficulty with the grey sky conditions). WHAT a disappointment. . . sheltered in the usual gun emplacement with my cold coffee for quite a while before starting to head home, up the shortcut steep path through the trees. Collected up a carrier bag+ full of litter strewn around along the way . . . PCd and despite everything I wrote here yesterday about stopping, I ended up posting the flypast video and barge images to Fb. It really is a very hard habit to break!!? . . mowed both lawns and then pottered around in the garden for a bit, cutting back overgrown weed grass etc up near the garage . . .guitarred/TVd . . .ate half a pack of sausages with a tin of baked beans, grated cheese and a couple of pieces of bread and butter . . . to bed before midnight. FB posts:- Lynx 'bypassed' Flypast / Sea defences work
16 - Up around 7:45am. 16C in, 8C out. Grey. . . walked bgdns in a cold grey misty damp. Eventually straight back home, not in the mood to walk down the harbour and likely have to make pointless conversation with anyone, or be taking ANY photos. This facebook photos thing I think MUST now come to an end. It's aggravating my low self esteem and paranoia. Until recently, all my (hugely time consuming) posts to Brixham Fishing appeared to be well recieved and got a a good handful of 'likes' - which, because I don't do the 'friends' thing with anyone, was the only feedback I had that the images were appreciated etc. All of a sudden so it seems, within the last week or so, all my posts appear to be getting almost no 'likes' at all. Other people can post almost anything, and get more likes than anything I post, even when their images are almost identical to some of those which I have posted. So - either something has changed on FB or for reasons unknown, my posts are no longer appreciated. Pathetic as it is, all of that seems to just fuel my paranoia and ego bashing lack of self worth etc, etc. It seems to be pretty much the same on the other group I post to. No matter what I post or how much work it's taken, my posts will always get less likes than others. People seem to be able to post any old 'crap' and get more likes and appreciative comments than ANYTHING I do. Maybe I should just take the hint and accept that whatever it is I do is just rubbish and not worthy. I just don't understand it - and like I said, it's further 'damaging' to my broken ego. Yep - with rare possible exceptions, all my daily photo taking MUST sadly cease. . . aimlessly pottered around, did dish washing chores and laundry . . PCd/TVd/guitarred . . forced down a handful of chocolate biscuits followed later by three cold chicken drumsticks and a pack of jaffa cakes . . . the electronic program guide on my main TV is STILL failing to appear correctly, whereas on the kitchen portable it appears as normal, so I am beginning to suspect this is just the latest change in my main TV becoming gradualy bit by bit, unfit for continued use, despite the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it other than it is simply not the most recent model. It really is as though the manufacturers can now build-in early obsolesance by virtue of the operating system (just like the PC)!! All well and good for everyone who can afford to keep buying new stuff. :o( . . to bed around 2am.
15 - Woke around 7am, up a short while later. 16C in, 9C out. Grey. . . .walked Bgdns. Sat around for absolutely ages, just watching and photoing some of the boat activity going on at the harbour entrance and out in the bay. Eventually down (past glimpses of a couple of seal) around the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater for a while. . . heading back along the marina walkway, it was low tide and I spotted a 'scooter' (one of those metal fold up ones with small wheels which became all the rage some time ago) which had been thrown into the water. The tide was low enough (just) so we headed down the nearby slipway, picked our way along the narrow line of rocks and succeeded in retrieving it. It actually looked in pretty good condition still as far as a casual inspection could tell. The 'pride' people had been working nearby earlier, and had left some bags of this and that which they were presumably going to be returning for, so I just left it propped up there. . further along something of interest also caught my eye in the inner harbour - so once again we climbed down the harbourside steps and picked our way across the mud and rocks to the waters edge to have a closer look. Turned out to be a rather nice huge great big industrial type 'torch' complete with a shoulder strap etc. Sadly it'd obviously been in the water some time, and was clearly just fit for the bin. It wouldn't fit in the access hole to the nearby litter bin, so I just left it on the floor next to the bin. . shopped for a few supplies before home through town. For whatever reasons, today I did not feel quite so desperately out of control and down as I did yesterday thank god. . . ate a handful of weetabix . . . napped until getting on for 8pm . . . PCd pictures/posts . . drank wine and ate cold chicken sandwiches . . to bed gone 2am. FB posts:- RNLB Cosandra
14 - Up around 7:15am. 16C in, 9C out. Grey. Uh oh - threw up quite a bit!! I think I may be throwing away the remainder of the coleslaw I bought only yesterday! :o( . . . walked BGdns, the harbour, out to the breakwater, and then back to the seats near the laboratory building to aimlessly sit feeling very down for ages and to drink my cold coffee. Ended up sat there, because I just couldn't tolerate having to make any more meaningless conversation with passers by!!

. . .home via the local store and pet store for food supplies . . ate a pasty with crisps . . napped until around 7pm . . PCd . . TVd. Day two or more of problems with the digital TV guide on the tv!?? Instead of displaying all the current and upcoming programs as it should, it seems to be having difficulty loading the data and just keeps presenting blank entries, making seeing what is on impossible. Very frustrating/annoying. :o( . . another evening of a terrible down frame of mind. I'm really in pretty bad shape right now. . . forced down some boiled in water frankfurter things in a couple of buttered bread finger rolls, followed by a pack of jaffa cakes . . . to bed after 1am.
13 - Up around 6:45am!? 15C in, 4C out. Sunny. . .walked BGdns and sat around for ages continualy scanning the waters of the bay looking for signs of the whale. All that squinting across the miles of bright silvery water really started to give me an eye strain headache! Couldn't see any sign of it at all. . eventually on down to the harbour. Hung around for quite a while taking a few photos as some big boulders were lifted off the middle key and loaded onto the 'usual' lorry, to be eventualy driven away - to the quarry area at Berry Head allegedly!

sat on the breakwater in the sun for ages, once again scouring the waters of the bay looking for the whale. Again, no sign of it whatsoever. It turns out, it was 'around', but seen much further out, off (a crowded) Berry Head. .eventually home through town . . ate baked beans and grated cheese on a couple of pieces of toast . . . napped until gone 7pm . . . PCd and posted pictures to Fb . . . TVd . . ate beef and mayo sandwiches, crisps, coleslaw and biscuits . . . to bed around 2am.
12 - Up around 8:45am. 16C in, 11C out. Grey after some rain. . very slow getting going, and ended up messing around posting some stuff to Fb before eventually setting out real late. There were reports on Fb that the hump backed whale that's been on down the coast drawing a crowd for the last week or so, has been spotted off Berry Head this morning! . walked BGdns. Breezey and not so pleasant. . eventually walked down around the harbour and outt along to the end of the breakwater. Such boisterousness to the waters of the bay due to the increased Northish breeze, visibility of anything swimming (the whale) was appalling and I eventually just gave up looking for it. . .

back to sit near the old coastguard station for my coffee . . home through town . . . PCd pics and videos whilst monitoring the radios. Listened in to a coastguard shout involving the ILB and coastguard helicopter for a couple of youths on the rocks at Corbyns Head. Turned out to be one of those where by the time the troops all got there, there was no sign of the people allegedly in trouble, and they were all stood down. What was particularly frustrating to listen to, was the ILB on their way back to the lifeboat station, detouring to have a look at the whale - IN the bay!!! I WAS tempted to dash back down to BGdns to have a look, but by then it was too late and the daylight was fading, so there would have been no point for me. Someone else was in the right place at the right time and managed to get some footage to post to FB - so the whale definitely WAS right IN the bay!!!

. . . TVd/guitarred and drank wine . . . ate cold beef and mayo sandwiches, crisps and jaffa cakes . . asleep in the chiar . . to bed after 2:30am.
11 - Up around 7:30am. 16C in, 9C out. Hazy sun through the mist. . .walked BGdns, the harbour, out to sit on the breakwater, back round the harbour and then ended up sitting on a seat near the laboratory building for ages, purely because it was calm and relatively warm and mostly undisturbed by passsers by out there. A pair of juvenile swans were casualy bobbing around in the distance in front of us there - and of course some very brief seal glimpses. Eventually back up into BGdns and home via the local store for supplies. After having mostly just sat around all over the place, we'd been out for around five hours!! . . PCd for a bit, but I was completely unable to motivate myself to put in any work doing photos or suchlike, and ended up aimlessly looking at youtube teach yourself guitar videos and the like. It would appear, just like that, as though a swicth has been flicked, I am no longer interested in doing all that photographing and posting to FB etc, etc. It just isn't worth all the effort and work . . . TVd/guitarred and drank red wine. . cooked and ate two quarter pound cheeseburgers, a bag of crisps and bowls of co co pops . . asleep in the chair . . to bed around 1am.
10 - Up just before 7am. 16C in, 9C out. Grey to start before a bit of sun . . finally finished off the major headache of 'constructing' my obligatory driving licence renewal paperwork, and got it all ready to post . . walked BGdns, forgetting to post the envelope in the post box along the way of course. Sat around for ages watching the dense sea mist rolling back and forth around the bay. . eventually carried on down to the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater, just as the cold mist turned seemlessly into a hint of drizzle! Sods law - I'd been so hot yesterday, I'd walked without a coat and wearing less layers today. Ended up feeling unpleasantly chilly. . soon headed back towards the harbour, but the prospect of sitting around somewhere and inevitably having to make polite meaningless conversation with passers-by was more than I could endure again. Ended up just heading straight home apace. Arrived back at home having forgotten to post the envelope. FFS! . . .sat around with a coffee and cigarettes for a bit before eventually managing to muster the energy to leave Bella at home and walk to the local post office to post the envelope and get a certficate of posting. . . feeling VERY down again. I really wonder how much longer I can go on like this. . . . drank wine, ate ham and mayo sandwiches with crisps and coleslaw, returned to bed and napped until around 7pm. . .drank more wine (not enough!) and TVd the night off . . ate a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. . . to bed around 2am.
9 - Up around 7:40am. 15C in, 11C out. Mostly grey. . . walked. Headed straight for the pet store and paid for two large sacks of Wagg food for Bella, and to be delivered later this eveing. Carried on down to BGdns to sit around for ages, before down to the harbour and out to sit on the breakwater for quite a long while. Felt pleasantly incredibly mild today, with hardly a breath of wind. Overheating in all my winter layers. Eventually headed back to near the old coastguard station intending to sit for my coffee, but I was SO not in the mood to have to make the usual 'meaningless' conversations with passers by, we actually ended up out of the way, sat at the bottom of the nearby harbour steps, just above the waterline. Sat there undisturbed with my coffee until the rising tide started lapping over the bottom step. . shopped for supplies and then home through town . . . pottered in the front garden weeding the lower curved border for hours - until the pet store guy delivered the dog food. . . TVd . . . ate ham and mayo sandwiches with crisps and colelslaw. . asleep in the chair and then to bed whenever it was I woke.
8 - Up around 7:30am. 14C in, 10C out. Wind and rain to start. Feeling down. . posted boat pics to Fb . . walked BGdns and eventualy on down to the harbour as things brightened up somewhat. Out to the breakwater for a brief sit, but the breeze and constant moisture in the air made it rather unpleasant and we soon returned to the relative shelter of the harbour. Sat on the seats near Rockfish for my coffee. A small film crew appeared nearby demanding I take a few photos. . shopped for supplies and then home though town. . . TVd/PCd/sat around feeling VERY down and just trying to get through another day. .

TVd . . ate a chicken and mushroom pastry slice with mushrooms and young potatoes in butter followed by jaffa cakes and then bowls of co co pops . . asleep in the chair, woke and to bed around 2am.
7 - Up around 7:45am. 14C in, 4C out. Grey. . . walked BGdns in full weather gear. Caught glimpses of a seal in CCove again. Sheltered from the rain and drizzle in the gun emplacement. .on down towards the harbour

old guy with a 'dope' umbrella! . .out to sit on the breakwater. Workmen cutting back all the overgrown vegetation behind the bistro. Long overdue. .lifeboat out on excercise giving a couple of photo ops . . to the small park but increasing rain saw us soon head back (past the marina seal up on his pontoon again). . Royal Navy boat 'Dasher' came in for the trainees to get their fish and chips lunch from Rockfish. lol . . sheltered under the old fish market roof for my coffee . . bought a radio controlled clock for 3 from a charity shop before straight home through town . . . cut my hair/did laundry . . . PCd photos for hours . . TVd . . ate a small tin of chopped ham and pork in sandwiches with mayo and crisps. IMMEDIATELY fell asleep in the chair as soon as I'd eaten!! . . woke and to bed whenever it was after midnight.
6 - Up around 7:50am. 14C in, 4C out. Raining. . . slow getting going. Walked BGdns a bit late. Plenty of boats activity so spent quite a long while sheltering in the gun emplacement taking photos between the drizzly showers. . eventually on down around the harbour, and as the weather seemed to have improved to some sunny spells, on out to look at the marina seal and then to sit on the breakwater for a while. . eventually back to drink my coffee near the old coastguard station etc. . shopped for redcued price deals and home through town . . .drank a splash of wine and cooked and ate chicken coujons with chips. . .napped . . . PCd . . . TVd . . ate coleslaw with grated cheese and crisps followed y half a cheesecake . . to bed before 2am.
5 - Back up around 8:15am after almost no sleep at all, and feeling very cold and iffy. 15C in, 6C out. Sunshine and showers and still blowing pretty hard. Ate a handful of chocolate biscuits, just to try to warm me up (like they usually do). . waking at the PC, it soon became apparant that the waters of the bay were looking a bit windswept, and that the lifeboat had already gone out on excercise, with someone having posted some neat pictures of it already! Damn - hate missing such filming opportunities. . .walked BGdns, 'briskly' in the hope of maybe getting to see the lifeboat heading back in - which given the wind direction, would actually probably have afforded the best scenes. Yayy - it wasn't long on our usual seat before I spotted the little orange dot on the far horizon, and soon heading in. Filmed as it made its way back, and even managed to get a 'conjunction' as I call it, of both the lifeboat and HMS Mersey in a single shot, as Mersey made her way back out of the bay after having anchored over near Torquay. Although spectacular as always, it turned out to be not 'particularly' wavey. . eventually carried on down to the harbour and started to head out towards the breakwater, but the day seemed to largely degenerate into a quick succession of nasty showers, and we ended up just turning around and heading for the shelter of the old fish market roof for quite a long while as the rain fell. Eventually just straight back home through town after buying a few going-cheap supplies . . . PCd for ages and eventually posted pictures and the heavily edited-down lifeboat footage to FB. . . drank red wine and ate a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese . . lay down to nap quite late, only to supprisingly have difficulty sleeping. . . back up with the alarm at 8pm . . . TVd the evening off. Ate just half a reduced-price/ going out of date vanilla cheesecake. . to bed around 1am.
4 - Up around 7:50am. 14C in, 8C out. Cold and windy but mostly sunny to start . . .walked BGdns, the harbour, along to the breakwater, back to the harbour and then straight home through town, dodging the worst of the showers all along the way . . . ate the last of the stew with four pieces of bread and butter . . . napped . . . PCd boat pics and eventually did multiple posts to Fb . . .PCd/TVd until to bed near 4am!! By that time a gale was blowing and I ended up not being able to get to sleep for ages, and then kinda only half snoozing and frequently waking again.
3 - Up around 7:15am. 15C in, 8C out. Gale of wind and rain. . jeeze, I'm aching and stiff REAL bad, just after yesterday's little bit of garden work. :o( Annadin for breakfast . . walked BGdns, the harbour and along to the marina to have a look at the seal before back to the seat near the old coastguard station for my coffee. Straight home through town . . . PCd and edited down yesterdays seal footage and eventually set the video uploading to Fb. .messed around with the Silva marine band radio I once scored in a charity shop, investigating what sort of intrenal battery supply it has (which appears long past its best), and whether or not I could replace it.

. ate a bowl of stew with a bag of crisps. . . left the PC uploading and napped until just gone 7pm . . PCd . . guitarred/TVd . . ate jaffa cakes and chocolate biscuits . . . to bed around 2:30am.
2 - Up around 8:15am. 15C in, 5C out. Sunny. . .walked BGdns, out to the breakwater and then back to the seat near the old coastguard station for my coffee. . shopped for a few supplies and then through town to the pet store for dog food supplies on the way home. . .worked in the back garden cutting back the overgrown hedge above and behind the pergola for the rest of the afternoon. Climbed up on top the pergola to weild the hedgetrimmer at arms length. Nasty stuff.

next door's drain blocked and emptying into the wall and through into my drain!!!!

three bin-loads of cuttings to now somehow get rid of. :o( . . TVd feeling utterly exhausted. . guitarred . . . ate stew with four pieces of bread and butter followed later by bowls of co co pops . . aching/exhausted to bed before midnight.
1 - Woken around 7am by next door's piano again. Snoozed on then up around 8:45am. 14C in, 6C out. Grey and a bit of light rain. . slow getting going. PCd a few pics before heading out late . . .walked BGdns, out to the breakwater and back to under the old fish market roof for my coffee. . visited the town camera shop and finally got round to getting some photos done (6!) for my imminent driving licence renewal. Shopped for a few reduced price supplies before heading home. . cooked up a pressure cooker of beef mince and mixed veg stew. Ate a bowlful with four pieces of bread and butter . . slept late until 8pm . . PCd recent fishing pictures etc for hours and eventually posted to FB . . . TVd/guitarred . . ate a pack of reduced price apple pastries. . . to bed around 2:30am.