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May
1 - Sunny morn in the garden. PS phoned the 'handle bar change helpline' for some advice a couple of times. God knows I've changed a few but didn't want to get my hands dirty!!? Phoned Sis1 . . she was in the shop and had just ordered a brand new top of the range desk top PC with a HUGE hard drive, loads of RAM, DVD, scanner, photo quality printer, CD writer etc. etc. but no camera!!! Silly? Loadsa money. I would have advised her differently - a bit, slightly, maybe. And I was worried about me keeping the old out of date laptop rather than let her have it!! Huh!! Sat about with wine and smokes.
2 - Went to the doctor today to see his 'report' on me for the job application. Not good but could have been worse...somehow? I wouldn't employ me. Also asked to view my medicals records and made some notes on cassette tape. Sat in the sun in the garden until it was shade. Did a bit of 'Peaceful Warrior go-between' between Sis1 and M/D!!! No e-mails . . . at all?!! End the day feeling anxious and VERY paranoid?????? Why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 - Typed some of my cassette notes!!! M/D visited. All went out for a meal with Sis1. Visited nephews home. Wow - he's matured and what building/decorating talent. Nice couple, nice cat, nice home . . . nice. Some e-mails, some silence. End the day unwinding with a glass of wine feeling . . . um . . . tired and lonely!!! Shit I need a life but I just don't know how it's done. I've no idea which way to turn except around and around making the hole in which I languish deeper and deeper!
4 - Typed some bits and pieces. Cried a bit with the St George bike memory! Typed some more. Quick visit from SH. Not much of a day. Some mood 'bouncing' but not bad for a 'moon-day' . . . ha ha!
5 - Rcvd a cheque for the books from DG. A man of honour thank goodness! Deposited the cheque, shopped for food and sat about.
6 - PS popped in and we went to Fowlers to get his chain and look about and then down by the docks for a coffee. . . I couldn't resist and 'allowed' myself a bacon sandwich!!! Some vegetarian!!!!! Quick look in the Industrial Museum then dropped back home to sit about in the sun and later watch the lightning feeling lonely. . .again!? Even the 'I Love You' virus doesn't want me! ha ha
7 - Very sunny/summery. Finally cut up an old bike frame cluttering up the garden with an angle grinder and put it in the bin! A clear patio at last. Sat in the garden all day and then invited to LBs for tea (food at last!). Couldn't see it go to waste and took the left overs home in a 'doggy bag'. SH phoned to confirm another rock pool trip tomorrow.
8 - Went with S&DH to Wembury near Plymouth about midday to do more rock pool raiding for their tank. Left in the rain but on arrival a most wonderful afternoon of sunshine. Wembury was picturesque and warm and quiet and beautiful. Recommended. . Got some livestock - a weird 'sucky' fish, shrimps, crabs (NOT the big fierce scary ones with red eyes!), sea urchin and a huge bright green anemone. Picnic and coffee. Push started the car with a flat battery!! Back home, one fish was dead. Rigor mortised with its head deep inside an anemone!!! Everything else acclimatizing to their new home seemingly ok except the 'trod on' prawn casualty!!!! Chatted, watched, walked home about 02:30 in the warm, moist morning air.
9 - More good weather but a risk of thunderstorms in the heat of the afternoon. Ate my doggy bag left overs for lunch and went for a 'walk' in the afternoon . . . !
10 - . . . and got the bus home about midday! I'm just a bloomin 'lightweight'!!! Tired out after only one night! Unpacked, put the tent out to dry, ate and fell asleep on the setee. LB phoned to tell me of a work colleague who had a German Shepherd they had to get rid of cause of them splitting up. Don't tell me, don't tell me - I want one bad! . . Sis1 has had her PC delivered. PS popped round later for chats.
11 - Woke up all stiff and painfull. Sis1 picked me up at 13:00 and I helped her unpack her PC. Not enough time to finish setting it all up cause she got me mowing her 2ft high lawn with a strimmer!!Hopeless mess I made of a couple of square feet! Free meal and delivered home by 19:20. . .ML popped in for 'a chat'. I refused a request for financing a car deal. Feeling 'disturbed'.
12 - IHB called round for coffee and chats . . .he seemed ok. . . loaned him some words of wisdom books I thought might assist. Got some photos developed. Typed. I felt just a little strange and not quite 'normal' all day!
13 - Woke up at 2am . . . not a nightmare but feeling strangely very 'panic stricken' and uncomfortable?Real unpleasant! Got up and had a coffee and a doughnut in case it is lack of food related. Phoned Sis2 in the states for ages for a chat. Big phone bill now expected!!!! Stayed up till 5am . . . slept, typed, slept, typed. (3/10)
14 - Typed through the night until 4am!! Fitfull dream laden sleep and up again VERY early . . . sat in the sun in the garden all day. Up till late polishing off Walkabout. Good to be finished but feel hot and 'unwell'. (3/10)
15 - Printed and posted a copy of the latest to M/D. Picked up by Sis1 at midday and went to be a DIY electrician, connect her lights and strim more lawn. Sunny and warm . . . saved a frog from being strimmed, watched great tits nesting in her bird box. Good to feel 'usefull' to someone! Upset stomach. Dropped home about eight. Phone message from DS's mum requesting computer assistance for DS's sister. . . arranged for Wednesday. (5/10)
16 - Spent hours dubbing my tired old worn out boots!!! Got the bus to town, bought some more shades for DS . . . got the water taxi down the docks past the SS Great Britain (rusting peice of junk), The Mathew moored nearby (nice but...poor trees!) and got off at the Mardyk to look at new boots and hats in Marcus Stores . . . couldn't afford any of it, so got the boat back to the centre and all for 2. Nice change. Bus home and then walked to the pub for a beer with ML&S. ML gave me a lift back. (6/10)
17 - Picked up after nine by DHs sister and Mum, and went to 'play' with their PC . . . all went okish, got them on line, played with their dogs and had enjoyable food and chats but they have much PC stuff to learn . . . worry, worry! (5/10)
18 - Picked up by Sis1 and went to try and finish setting up her PC. Got her on line and almost everything sorted. Felt ok all day but on being dropped home a huge downward mood shift. Unexpected and most vicious. Where the hell did that come from? Linked to news of many former colleagues getting highly paid promotions ?. . . crushing sense of failure, worthlessness, loneliness and hopelessness about everything!!!! Recent hard fought for uplifted outlook, gone in a heartbeat! Coincidental interview of Freddie Starr on TV, looking like he's in a bad way, revealing his life long torment by depression. Aint life a blast!!! (2/10)
19 - Woke up feeling 'better' again. The 'dip' may have been low food intake related, remedied by last nights, late night 3 egg omlette feast. How fragile life is! Found some white(!!) basketball trainers in a charity shop for 6 - couldn't say no. Now I have a pair of shoes that aren't worn out. Fell asleep after lunch and woke MUCH later! Sat about . . . went to bed a bit peckish . . . (3/10)
20 - Woke at 2am with the same nasty panicy feelings as on 13th!!!!!! Ate cornflakes! PCd all through the night sorting out and scanning in the odd photo. Saw the sunrise in a cloudless sky about 5:30am. Wow. . . ML popped in for coffee. PCd all day. . . fell asleep on the settee . . . woke . . . I guess I've had a few 'feeling good' days . . . time to pay for it? Drank, smoked, surfed 'appropriate' sites. (3/10)
21 - Couldn't sleep . . . surfed until the early hours. A down day. PCd . . .inexplicable mood lift at precisely 8pm??? PS popped in with beer and chats till late which was nice. (4/10)
22/23 - Down days. Typed up medical/work notes . . . brooded and slept. (2/10)
24 - Typed and brooded some more. Felt 'better' and phoned L and TS(!!!!) for a chat . . . almost like a real person! (6/10)
25 - Typed. Sis1 popped in for coffee. Returned empties and bought a few bottles of beer at the local shop . . . massively undercharged but I INSISTED on correcting him and paying the full price of 4 more! Too honest for my own good. Not many of us left!! PS popped in for a beer. (5/10)
26 - Typed and scanned. Sis1 returned my drill and gave me some cheap, white emulsion she didn't want, cause it's so thin. Shopped for food. Ate. E-mailed MW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet there is hocus pocus significance to the timing of my contact! Ha!? (5/10)
27 - Painted the 'first' coat on my bedroom walls. Very patchy - no wonder Sis1 didn't want it. First DIY for months . . . not a bad day. LB popped in to 'boast' about her 'latest' drinking binge . . yawn! Tired. (5/10)
28 - Dreadful headache . . . spent the morning popping Anadins, gave up and slept the afternoon away. Woke and PCd to the sounds of thunder and rain till late/early.(2/10)
29 - Woke at 5am after only four hours sleep or so. Ended up on the PC in a Delphi, Wing Of Madness depression support chat room for hours and hours!!! Such sadness in the world. So many people living their own hell, and some SO young! Good, temporarily uplifting chats. Didn't last and spent the day down, in the sun, in the garden feeling at least, warm. Forced myself to stay awake all day till late to get back to proper sleep times. (3/10)
30 - Up at 06:30 . . . fighting low mood painted the second coat on the bedroom walls. IHB called and I walked over for the evening. Chatted, chain smoked, drank a little cider! and listened to 'old' classic rock music. He seems to be doing ok. He has a memory and can remember loads from our childhood/teenage past . . . all of it non existant for me!! How different would life be to remember it all . . . including 'good' times? He has much to live for . . . I however . . .!!! Walked home along the cycle path at about 12:30am. ALL the lights were out in the tunnel. TOTAL cold darkness, I couldn't see anything but the hint of a dim spot of light way off in the distance! Silence except for the drip, drip, drip of the water seeping through from above! Fixed my eyes on the dim dot and tried to walk in a straight line towards it taking small steps so as not to stumble over anything or walk into a wall. Lost the path a couple of times and couldn't see to dodge the drips and puddles. Scarey. Very, very scarey. Tired eyes played tricks with the dark. Survived and home by 01:30 . . . tired. (4/10)
31 - Up at 07:30 feeling down. Lo and behold my silly star sign book says it's a moon phase down time! Sat about and slept the day away. Decided to add a 'mood' rating to diary entries to see how it graphs against time! Self indulgent obsession! (3/10)
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