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1 - Just another month. PCd (3/10)
2 - Lost it there for a while . . . again! Slept, sat, smoked, drank! (2/10)
3 - Up late feeling 'ok' . . . in search of more light (anti S.A.D. tactic!) painted the stairwell patchy white cause I ran out of paint . . . drilled holes and inserted pins to take a mirror . . . ha . . . not a completely wasted day. (4/10)
4 - Sat in the sun . . . smoked, drank! (3/10)
5 - Flicked through PC magazines in the library. Bought more cheap paint . . .slept . . . painted! (3/10)
6 - Disturbed nights sleep . . . tough day. (2/10)
7 - Sat in the sun. (3/10)
8/9 - (2/10)
10 - Didn't eat till late and then treated myself to a veggie kebab and chips. Haven't had one for ages . . . wonderful feed. Received an e-reply to my ad!!??!! Disturbed sleep with nightmares. (3/10)
11 - Sat about and smoked. SH popped in for coffee (3/10)
12 - Walked to a garage in Staple Hill to see if it still had an advertised camper van . . . it didn't. 'Sat' in the conservatory in meditation for the first time in ages . . tough . . PCd till early. (3/10)
13 - (3/10)
14 - Spent the whole day doing DIY on the stairs. Terrible mess. (4/10)
15-20 - LB offered to give me a lift down to Exeter since she was on the way down to her parent's home in Cornwall for a few days. Up early . . . low mood seemed to point to another down day so trying to shake it off and in view of the excellent weather forecast I decided to take her up on her offer. Haven't been down to see my parents for ages and feeling guilty about constantly refusing their offers thought I'd go and stay with them in Brixham for a few days and then get a lift back from Exeter with LB on Tuesday.
Phoned M/D and arranged for them to pick me up from Exeter services. They seemed delighted to have something to do!!
The whole few days seemed to be a nature safari. Watching the newts, frogs and snails in their pond. Watching the sparrows franticly feeding their young in the nest box and finally seeing one of the young leave the nest for the first time all chirping ball of flutter. Keeping a heart rending eye on the magpie with a broken wing 'just' managing to survive for the moment by occasionally emerging from the safety of the hedge to go in search of food scraps. Feeding nuts to the fearless colony of field mice living under the bushes and watching them climb the fence and do a tight rope walk to climb down inside the birdfeeder and grab their fill of more nuts. Trying to ignore the semi tame blackbirds and robin as they danced in front of the windows trying to attract our attention and earn their on demand feed of sultanas and grated cheese! Tits, great tits, crows, sea gulls, pigeons . . . almost all with young in tow. Watching with relief as the young inexperienced starling that had crashed into the window and dropped to the concrete path, slowly recovered from its shock and bloodied beak, and eventually flew off when it saw me looking.
Countless wheeling buzzards with eerie calls, soaring high above in the cloudless blue skies. A cold local beer at an out of the way river side pub "so good even the ducks come here", surrounded by begging ducks and watching the big lazy trout holding position in the shallow flow under the bridge. Sitting on a seat overlooking Brixham harbor and Torbay as dolphins jumped to the delight of the pointing occupants of the circling yachts. Still sitting and warm as the sun turned golden red and sank below the horizon as a mother rabbit with her four fluffy young came out to jump and feed on the close cropped grass only feet away.
Mum and Dad were going shopping on 16th so I decided to go for a walk. They dropped me off at the nearby 'Dog Pooh' lane which I followed down as far as the style and then took the path through the deserted, lush green, ancient woodland. Down through the trees and then opening out onto a deserted cove and the sea. Followed the coastal path as far as Broadsands and allowed myself the decadence of a bag of chips. On further to the red beach of Goodrington Sands. Strange clouds of sea mist wafting in over the beach to join the haze obscuring the sun. Sat in meditation for a while. Embarrassed on the way back to find I had been observed by two old ladies as I ran like an excited schoolboy to catch a glimpse of the passing steam train. The amazing sight of two blind people walking confidently along the cliff top path allowing their appreciative Labrador guide dogs with tinkling bells on their collars to run free within earshot ahead, occasionally correcting their direction as the cliff fence escaped the infrequent tap of the mans white stick. A good ten-mile walk.
Lots of eating in, out and about, all paid for by M/D. A bit of charity shop searching saw me buy a pair of as new, unused shoes for a fiver. M/D had similarly already found some tidy unworn 'work' shoes which they presented to me together with a mains hair/beard trimmer bought for a song at a car boot sale. Yippee . . . I now have some decent shoes and the means to make my face look tidier . . . a bit at least.
Lots of uncomfortable feeling like a nine year old with Mummy and Daddy!
-/content removed post 19th April 03 /-) Lots of what am I supposed to do with my screwed up life. Constant company, although a strain, de-emphasised my 'mood' self-obsession.
M/D delivered me back to the services and eventually as arranged LB turned up and we drove home. Very happy to escape home but generally . . . I had a VERY pleasant break.
Did washing, caught up with ansaphone messages from L and ML and sat about. PS popped in late with a beer. Very VERY tired . . . some e-mails to reply to but too tired to PC. Bed about 2am. (6/10)
21 - Trimmed my beard. Walked up the shops, bought two more pairs of cheap combat trousers as an investment and broke in my new 'dead mans shoes' ok . . . no blisters. Used the saw Dad gave me, scored from a car boot sale, to cut off the rotting wood from the bottom of the old moss covered wooden ladder in the garden. Used it, despite the danger of collapse, to do a 'Heath Robbinson' repair on the rain water guttering that was falling off the front of the house. Also cleared the debris from the original old guttering above the bay window . . . asbestos guttering!!!!!!! Put more plaster on the stairwell wall. Strange interludes of self torture and self centred sadness and greif as a result of some news about C from L on the phone last night. Will I EVER be 'over' her?!!!! Walked back up the shops and took the trousers back and got a refund cause they were 'different' and they didn't have the same as I'd bought there before. PCd. (5/10)
22 - PCd and sat about watching plaster dry. (4/10)
23 - (2/10)
24 - Sorted out bills/home accounts. Went for a couple of midday beers with PS . . . two pints on an empty stomach and I felt realy drunk!!! Lightweight! Ate, slept and watched TV. (4/10)
25 - Phoned M/D to say happy 42nd wedding anniversary! T&NS popped in for coffee and chats. Cyber space meets the real world . . . and jolly pleasant it was too, even though I was forced to confront how far removed I have become from normal 'out and about' social behavior. (5/10)
26 - A lot of noise in the street at 00:30!!! Twenty or so, pissed up football hooligan types drinking, shouting and chanting "I'd rather be a Pakie than a Turk"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shouting, breaking of glass . . . whole street woken up! One of them was leaning on the guy opposites car 'snogging' a drunk girl . . . . the guy opposite who is black immediately had his front door open and was coming out when they moved off. That I thought was very brave. I wouldn't have gone out . . . . I 'almost' phoned the police but they moved up the road . . . out of sight out of mind? NOT! Then I get a phone call from LB up the road who had been woken up and who HAD called the police because they'd smashed glass on the street near her car. God I hate living here. Ghetto! PCd for an hour or so.
 Sat in the sun. Slept. (2/10)
27 - Sat in the sun for a bit. Walked up to buy cards for C . . . didn't know if I should but I had to. Popped in to see D&SH. Wow - how the fish and prawns have grown! . . Got leaflets about cheap coach trips from the travel agent. We'll see!? . . Walked to the 'Fox' for a beer with ML&S . . . ML gave me a lift back. Ended the day feeling 'out of place'???! PCd till the small hours. (5/10)
28 - Slept the day away. (2/10)
29 - PCd, sat about, PCd. Read the job adverts in the paper and didn't feel able to do any of them. (3/10)
30 - Up, up and . . . down!Sat about feeling bored. I popped in briefly for coffee. Got the midday bus to the museum because I'd read about some exhibition or other . . .what exhibition . . . unimpressed! Sat outside with a cigarette and watched the girls go by!!! Walked down Park Street and around the Watershed past all the yachts and ended up on Castle Park watching the balloon.
Couldn't resist it despite the 10.95 cost . . . about a pound a minute!!
It went up . . . it got cold . . . it got breezy . . . it wobbled about a bit . . . my stomach wobbled about a bit . . .it stayed up there for about four minutes . . . it came down!
Been there, seen that, done that . . . yawn. (
PS popped in later for a beer. (5/10)