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June
30
- Woke earlier then up around 7:30am . . . 'took the risk' and walked around 8:30am. As I crossed the main road towards the school, the 'spawn of satan' girl was crossing over down the road a ways, heading for the shops. She saw me too. The teachers on gate duty made the mistake of saying good morning to me as I passed (which I think was something I started), so I asked them about the possibility of helping me identify the individual, so I could inform the police. I accepted they couldn't really tell me who she was, but one of them said if I approached the school reception, they should be able to pass the information to the police for me, perhaps via the school liason officer. As we were talking, without turning around, I directed the teacher I was talking to, to look at the girl across the road behind me. She knew her. . carried on with the walk, trying to figure out how I could pursue it. Damn, I SO need a printer! . . . knocked up a couple of full size jpeg images and copied them over onto my webspace and then left Sally at home and drove to Kingswood library. I think I may be going crazy. My WHOLE life seems to have been absorbed by all this. I just can't escape it - on the car radio on the way up there they were having a phone-in discussion about anti social yobs, etc, etc, etc. I turned it off. Printed out two copies of the four images (eventually - after a load of hassle) and angrily handed over what seemed like an extortionate 6 before racing home! (What on EARTH am I doing?!! I can't afford to throw money away like that!!) Knocked up a covering letter and then left Sally at home and walked round to the school reception to hand it in. Predictably the woman on reception didn't want to accept it and started asking questions (she DID know the girl in question) - and I ended up having to try and explain in embarassing detail, with a schoolgirl sat within earshot nearby!! After she'd made a couple of phone calls and had spoken to the 'teacher' I spoke with on the gate, she relented and I left it with her. . . would you f****** believe it! While I was out, the local beat manager had left an ansaphone message . . "Good news..um..I've found out who this person was..uh..who you described ..um..and she's gonna get a ABC or an ASBO if she's already got an ABC, I think she might already have one which we've just found out at the moment, which will be served on her hopefuly on Monday ..um.. so hopefuly that will help negate ..um.. things that are happening. Obviously when I speak to her I'll obviously tell her to tell all her friends as well. Any problems get back to me on my mobile ..um..Speak to you soon." . . so - all that running around and 6 this morning was a total waste of time. Just exactly HOW has he managed to identify whoever I may have given a description of (since he obviously isn't going tto bother viewing the DVD I provided)? Jeeze - suppose he has the wrong person? And there was me thinking I'd provided enough evidence to prove she'd done enough to at least be arrested for a bit. Instead, all she is to face is 'a talking to' and 'alphabet soup'! What the hell is an ABC? And she is expected to 'tell all her friends'? Oh yes - I'm SURE she WILL! Lifes gonna be just dandy for me now isn't it! For f**** sake! . . . worried about the 'overlap', I tried to call him back to let him know I'd just handed some pictures in (ultimately for him) at the school - but I don't have his mobile number - couldn't get hold of him via the obstructing comms centre who allegedly couldn't even put me through to his ansaphone - and despite asking them to leave a message for him to call me back, which they said he would straight away, I was unable to speak with him. . . 'difficult' state of mind - much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Found myself absolutely yearning to get out and go somewhere, preferably amongst trees near some water, to just sit and be quiet - for probably a very long period of time. Trouble was, no matter where I thought of, it meant having to probably endure having other people around - and that was absolutely NOT something I could endure. Even the prospect of having to drive somewhere, amongst all the traffic, was more than I could face. Trapped. . . eventually ate corned beef, lettuce, onion and tomato sandwiches with two bags of crisps and slept . . . walked. Taunts of 'informer' from the large intimidating group of little kids at the entrance to the field. . A big pile of empty glass beer/wine bottles, cans and other debris was laying in the field where some group or other had been sitting in the sun earlier. Amongst the debris was a carrier bag which would ordinarily have seen me collect everything up and walk with it to a refuse bin. A short distance away across the field was a group of children playing footbal. As a result, I didn't 'dare' to pick up the litter, judging that if I were seen to do so, the risk of inciting more 'trouble' was too great!!!!!!! It has come to this! Who would believe it! . . walked to the shop for milk and finally got round to treating myself to a 50p bottle of chocolate milk stuff. Dunno why but I'd strangely been hankering to drink one of those for the last week or so. Haven't had anything like that for years. Sat on the seat over the field and drank most of it. Not impressed. Not as chocolatey as I remember them being. . chats with a passing old lady dog walker - who had yet more tales to tell and expressed her despair and frustration about the local yobs and kids behaviour. Didn't realise until well into the conversation, but it was the same one who'd told me previously about the two kids who set their dogs loose near her, encouraging them to have a go at hers, and how she'd fallen to the floor, hurt herself, asked them to help her get back on her feet and how they'd stood over her laughing saying it was the funniest thing they'd seen all day etc, etc. . She seemed to have difficulty in telling me about some of the 'little' things she'd had to endure at the hands of the kids, perhaps thinking I wouldn't 'get it' - but I understood only too well. Like how some foul mouthed girls for no reason other than their own entertainment, had shouted abuse at her, demanding she 'pick up' after her dog - when her dog is a female and was actually just having a wee. Been there, seen that, suffered that - often times! MY memories of such incidents torture my mind EVERY time Sally has a wee, believe it or not! It IS hard to explain to others, all this - it's tiny tiny stuff - but it mounts up! It mounts up into a huge weight to have to constantly carry. . for example - passing the chip shop on the way home, a couple of kids on cycles were outside eating chips. As I passed, one of them half way through his bag of chips decided he'd had enough and simply threw the papers and chips to the ground against the newsagents shutter. Bigger mess than it sounds. There are TWO waste bins within ten feet!!! As he cycled away, the remaining kid saw my silent involuntary look of disapproval after him. That kid said 'Naughty isn't it.' I thought he was being 'ok' (I try to retain the diminishing belief, some still are) and remarked how it just seemed pointless since there were two bins right next to him. My mistake. Of course he wasn't being 'ok' - he was just taking the piss out of me. The minute I'd passed him, he threw HIS chips to the floor and cycled off laughing. . . BB called . . . TVd and ended up watching 'Street Law' on Sky One, but suddenly realised I had gone mad and could pretty much see the same thing going on outside, so ended up watching/listening to the drunks and yobs going by, on the CCTV instead!!! . . . ate half a chicken . . .ate bowls of co-co pops . . .CCTVd mostly, until to bed around 3am. ss
29 - Woke earlier, snoozed on then up around 8am with a headache. . . walked . . . mixed up a couple of bowls of cement and carried on the botch re-pointing of the attic wall, filling up all the big gaps. . around 1am (in the middle of another bowl of cement) the local beat manager called. He said he 'thought' he knew who the girl was, and wanted me to give him a description of her! Huh? Why a description? She's plainly identifiable on the DVD I gave you? He apparantly 'hadn't managed' to look at the DVD because it 'wouldn't work on their system' and he'd have to go to Portishead (police HQ) to be able to get some techy to do it for him, and hadn't. I could hardly control my frustration and pointed out that it would work on most any domestic DVD player - and he should take it home and watch it on his TV!!!!!!!!! I'm hardly helping myself am I - but it really HAS reached the point where the police response to everything I've been through over the last years, is starting to look like proper institutional incompetence! . Perhaps it was obvious all along, but only recently have I allowed myself to actually come to believe, that if the police had actually acted on all of those 'help me' calls I made, back last year and throughout those winter months of hell, the circumstances which lead to me being assaulted would absolutely NOT have happened! What was that term they used to use to describe such stuff in the post office? 'Culpabale ineffeciency'? Yeah - that's a bit weak under the circumstances. . incredibly, I ended up in the living room firing up the TV and DVD player so I could look at the DVD I'd provided to him, so that I could give a description of the girl! F***ing twilight zone!. He said he thought he knew who she was and would get back to me. . . that simply ended up in making me feel really, REALLY f***ing angry! To the point of uncontrollable rage! :o( . . The terrible headache, despite all the annadin crunching, immediately got unmanageable and saw me 'hang up my trowel' and eat half a chicken with two pieces of bread and butter before laying down seeking the happy oblivion of sleep. . .up around 5:30pm. . I think I've kinda learned how my website works, when bad stuff happens for me. With monotonous predictability I received feedback from the site calling me a prick. Yeah, yeah. . . the 'catalogue' guy called at the door asking for his catalogue. I told him it was in the bin and that I wasn't happy because it'd just been left in view on my doorstep. He wasn't happy and quite literally 'threw' open my bin and with 'animated annoyance', reached in amongst the chicken carcasses to retrieve his precious catalogue. I asked him not to put any more catalogues in at this house. He said he wouldn't be and as he stormed out of the garden was muttering what I believe was some form of abuse under his breath. Fool. . .walked . . . sat in the attic feeling um - what is that term they all use these days that I absolutely hate? Gutted. Not entirely accurate actually. It's worse than that. I seem to be fighting and losing the war - a war against the yobs - a war against the police now - and worst of all, the war raging in my own torturing, increasingly fragile and unstable/uncontrollable mind. :o( . . .BB called . . . TVd . . ate bowls of sugar - or was it cornflakes? . . .TVd/PCd until bed around 2am. aaas
28 - Woken by Sally needing to use the garden before 6:30am. :o( Oh well - so much for her slightly more settled stomach this last day or so. . . got out, round the field and back before the schoolkids were afoot . . . PCd this but inevitably I'll soon be back to bed with another day gone by with nothing done. . . yet another local news item :o( There are a lot of news articles like this - and that's only the ones that actually reach the paper! I don't suppose my little tale would ever be published - it pales into insignificance in comparison with some of them (so far!). Believe it or not, I still maintain, the area in which I live isn't that bad in comparison to some of the cities 'no-go' areas!!!!!! . . .cooked up four burgers and ate them in two bread rolls . . . napped for just a couple of hours until woken by Sally barking as some Betterware type catalogue was left on my doorstep (I think the deliverer was put off from putting it through the letterbox by Sallys barking)! Those damned catalogues irritate the hell out of me - even more so when the idiot just leaves it laying on the floor leaning against the door, to announce to the world I may not be in. Grrrr. Put it straight in the bin, relishing the prospect of the inevitable unpleasantness, when the catalogue person returns to demand to have it back. Cheek! . . . mixed up a little cement and did a bit of the re-pointing of the attic wall . . . walked. Just out of the house and down the road and I notticed Sally was limping. Turned out she had a tiny, tiny fragment of glass in her paw (from a beer glass smashed in the street by a passer by the other evening). Luckily I was able to squeeze her pad and have the barely visible sliver of glass ease out. :o( SUCH a good trusting dog - let me do the obviously painful operation without complaint. . . TVd the 'Convent' show . .BB called . . . ate corned beef, onion, tomato and lettuce sandwiches with two bags of crisps and then some biscuits . . .TVd until bed around 1am or later. as
27 - Woken by Sally around 8:30am. . . walked after 9am. The 'skip' guy down the road asked if things were quieter for me of late. I simply indicated not. He 'jokingly' suggested, dousing people in petrol. Hmmmm - now there's an idea. A water pistol and petrol? . . . the local police beat manager called around 10:05am confirming receipt of my note and the DVD I 'forced' the WPC to accept yesterday. I re-iterated some of the stuff I'd written on the accompanying note, explained my desperation (about the potential of my own conduct as a result) and that I considered there was sufficient evidence there to take action against at least one of the individuals concerned. Tell me what to do! Wait. He said he'd get back to me on Thursday. . . pottered around and then had a go at balancing my accounts and sorting out some neglected paperwork/bills, etc. . .went on line and searched out an outlet for a couple of privately published books of poetry that Mum had said she was trying to get hold of by a local Cornish writer whos work is recited on her local radio show. Rang up and ordered two books (<10) for her . . . walked with Sally up Kingswood post office to re-tax the car for the year. 110 just to be allowed to park it outside to continue to be smashed up by the passing yobs and drunks (and 162 for insurance in a couple of weeks!!)!!!! Grrrr. I really can't afford to have a car. :o( . . ate half a chicken with four pieces of bread and butter before laying down to sleep . . . woken only a couple of hours later by a dream! Blimey - an incredibly vivid dream which actually saw me wake up to escape the extreme emotional response to it, of compassion and deep deep sorrow for one of the featured characters whos marriage and life was all falling apart!! Must have been a bad bit of chicken . . . aimlessly sat around before somehow ending up watching the DVD I'd handed in yesterday - just to try and be objective and attempt to see what someone else may make of watching it. Actually - after having finished watching it, I was deeply dismayed at how little of everything I've experienced I'd included. Doesn't even tell half of it! Damn, damn, damn! I never did finish doing a 'proper' compilation of everything (although, I don't think all of it would even fit onto a single DVD any more!!!). It's just SO much and SUCH a huge amount of work, and of course having to dredge it all up and work on it, sees me forced to kinda re-live it and suffer the rigors of the emotional/physical responses all over again, and again, and again - which is definitely NOT a good/helpful/healthy thing!! That's why I often find myself unable to return to such journal entries to complete them. (The years all this constant stress must have taken off my life expectancy!!! It's SO wrong - and pointless. Utterly utterly meaningless and pointless!) On top of all that of course - I know I'm just wasting my time! :o( . . . walked without incident . . .BB called . . . TVd . . eeek - watched some of my own music videos! . . .PCd property . . . ate bowls of co-co pops . . . TVd until bed around 3am. s
26 - Woken by Sally barking somewhere around 8am as Sis1 sneaked an envelope through the door containing 35 for the replacement circular saw I had to buy. I presume she was on her way to work - she didn't stop. . so - another day and still no police response to my call on Saturday. . . waited until it may be 'safe' - after the school kids had cleared, and then walked in the rain . . . what do I do? What do I do? What do I have to do to actually get a police response and be treated like a human being? Why aren't I worthy of that? How is it that I am treated as a completely worthless nothing like this? I am absolutely at my wits end! . . . called the police attempting to speak with the local beat manager. Ended up with some poor joker on the line who was new and didn't know how to use their computer system - which apparantly wasn't linked to whatever system may have held details of my call on Saturday. I wanted him to tell me what was on the system to explain why no one had responded - he couldn't tell me. In fact, he seemed unable to do anything with the system but didn't grant my request that I should be put on to someone and started the usual 'fobbing me off / we'll get back to you within ten minutes' routine. I 'explained' (in a desperate and unpleasant manner) I wasn't prepared to be fobbed off and I'd give him twenty minutes (until 10:15am) before I'd be calling back. Probably was within ten minutes when I got a call from some police Sergeant or other. He let me rant. I ranted lots. He didn't 'tell me off'. I tried to explain the history - the fact that I accept a 'fire has been started' which cannot be put out - that I will put up with being called a wa***r and a c**t - but that I cannot put up with being called a paedophile like I have been - and that above everything else, I am now afraid of what 'I' may do if no one intervenes. I finished my ranting. He said he'd get on to it and get back to me (I 'demanded' it - or I'd call back!) within the hour. . PCd this until 11:10am. No returned call. So - do I call HIM back? Sheesh! Just as I typed this, he called back saying this and that and this and that and saying how he'd be having a word with so and so at Fishponds police station. I bluntly told him to 'tell me what to do'. It was 'agreed' I would sit tight without further calling them until tomorrow. .sat around feeling - um - well - you know - powerless, miserable, worthless, 'waiting', etc, etc, etc. So convinced was I that the police 'interest' would just peter out and nothing would be done, I ended up burning a DVD of the 'summary of ongoing events' which I never finished, including the footage of the two recent 'paedo' taunt incidents (AND some stuff I've never mentioned here, because it would have been too dangerous to do so!) with the intention of handing it in at the local police station. Sort of another act of desperation - I just HAD to do 'something'. . . wrote out a brief 'In Strictest Confidence' speil to go with the DVD and then left Sally at home and drove in the rain to Fishponds police station to give it to someone. It was shut. Stood outside in the rain, I couldn't even find any notice to say when it actually IS open. I have a strong suspicion it's actually only 'open' for an hour long 'surgery', once a month!!!!! Calling it a 'police station' seems to be a blatantly political act, designed to address peoples distress at the closure of all the 'local/community' police stations. You know - I think I'm slowly, oh so very slowly, starting to understand what is REALLY going on out there through my own personal experience! How all the political statements about increasing police numbers, reducing crime, being tough on offenders/sentencing, tough on drugs, putting the emphasis back on the victim, etc etc etc etc - it REALLY IS all empty spin and propaganda, with 'massaged' statistics to fit (like not including '420' reports in the crime stats, or making sure they answer the phone in a certain time, but then not actually following up the reason for the call! I shudder to think what else I haven't YET had personal experience of! I probably eventually will. COMING SOON TO A NEIGHBOURHOOD NEAR YOU! ). It's impossible to believe it's going on, until you are confronted by it. Incredible. Just incredible. . . cowering by the locked police station door in the rain, was a very sick looking scraggley pigeon, probably not long for this world. I was almost overwhelmed by SUCH sadness for it. 'Don't shelter there mate - there's no safety here!' I guess I identified with it! . . . on the door was a sign suggesting callers at the closed station should use the big yellow phone on the wall (cleverly positioned so as to force the user to stand in the rain and such that it picked up all the passing traffic noise and made it difficult for the operator to hear the caller), to contact the police communications centre. I used it and explained I'd spoken with an officer earlier and was simply wanting to hand something in to someone - anyone! If they had a letterbox I would have posted it through - but of course, you can't have a police station with a letterbox these days can you! Jeezuz, jeezuz, JEEZUZ!!! The comms officer tried several numbers at Fishponds station, but no one answered the phones (despite there being obvious signs of life/lights on/windows open in the building). She even tried the person the Sergeant had said he'd be contacting (a more senior officer I believe) who is stationed at Fishponds - no answer. So - the comms person couldn't help me and with a quick apology that was the end of the call. . .pointlessly sat in the car in the rain for a while before deciding that I absolutely WAS going to hand it in - somewhere - before I returned home (without having to resort to standing on a motorway bridge threatening to jump to get some attention! (Actually - I concluded I couldn't do that because it would cause far too much hassle to everyone when they'd be forced to close the roads!). I just HAD to hand it in to someone! Waiting in traffic to turn the car round before intending to head for Staple Hill police station, I spotted a police car approaching. Driving without due care and attention, I followed the police car into the yard behind the station, stopped wherever I was and leapt out to force the occupant to have my DVD!!!!! Oh my god! Would you believe it - getting out of the car with a couple of her colleagues was the same young slightly built female police officer who'd responded when I was assaulted, and who'd attended court! She recognised me. I simply wanted her to accept the DVD from me and dispose of it as she wished - which if it meant being put straight in the bin, so be it - but she insisted on having me in to explain. I simply forced her to read the accompanying explantory note I'd written and said that was all I needed - to have just given it to someone - I really didn't care if nothing came of that. She didn't want to accept it from me! She tried to say I should give it to whoever was responding to my phone call on 24th!!!!!! Ever decreasing circles! After some 'persuading', she relented and said she'd place it in the in-tray of the local beat manager. . That'll do me. That'll do me. Thank you. Bye. . . stopped for two ready cooked chickens and a couple of groceries on the way home . . . ate half a chicken with four pieces of bread and butter and then lay down to nap around 4pm . . . woken around 8pm by Mum leaving an ansaphone messaage . . briefly called Mum and pointed her at a Bill Oddie nature show on TV. It was unscheduled, replacing the rained off Wimbledon coverage. . walked late. One of the lady dog walkers informed me that the guy that lives in the bungalow on the large plot on the edge of the field (right in front of the seat where I sit for my cigarettes. I'd noticed they'd recently done a bunch of DIY building work on it and put on a little extension) had just committed suicide. A deeply religious guy apparantly (he did that believing he'd go to hell for it?!!!), leaving a wife in a 'building site' mess. That made me feel a bit weird. I imagined that I could maybe, just possibly, empathise with some of his pain. I wonder - I wonder what tiny little insignificant event it was that finally acted as the trigger - and saw him walk into his shed, in the abscence of his wife who he was due to pick up later, and start up the petrol generator to asphyxiate himself. Oh well - good luck to you mate. You're poor wife! . . .BB called . . .TVd . . . PCd. An item on a local news site suggested the cable TV outage during the last England match was due to a deliberately targeted act of vandalism against their underground cables!! Uh-huh. . . touched base with Mum and somehow ended up chatteing for AGES, until well gone midnight! I told her about the e-mail I'd received from a reader of my 'Kingswood' website, and how the footnote on the mail had made me laugh - and laugh some more. :o) Ended up firing up the PC so I could read it to her and get the wording right. Out of the gloom a voice said "Smile, things could be worse" and I smiled, and lo, things got worse! . . cooked up and ate four small burgers in the early hours . . . TVd until eventually to bed around 3am. s
25 - Woken by Sally around 7am . . . walked and collected up a bulging carrier bag of gin, beer, wine etc bottles from all around the place. Found one of those triple LED rear lights from a pushbike in pieces near the seat over the field (which when all pieced back together actually works perfectly). From the four or more empty baggies and other debris that was laying around on the ground, it would appear that dope smokers entertained themselves there last night by destroying a couple of push bike lights while sitting next to a warming bin fire. .Sally is still not well!!! . . PCd . . police comms. called at 9:30am apologising again for not having attended and suggesting someone would, later today. Yeah, yeah, sure . . .Mum called to touch base. I failed in my attempts to not mention the latest hassle, and rather upset her again (to say the least) I suspect . . .PCd and reduced the size and quality of a handful of my videos. I'm all out of disk space on my ISPs - in fact, everywhere!!! Something's gonna have to go. Maybe all of it pretty soon I think. :o( The film 'Pulp Fiction' has been on a couple of different channels twice over the last couple of days - and I just HAD to watch the second half of it again. There's something about the way the 'bad' language in that film is used, that makes it just oh SO right! There is a scene in it which struck SUCH a chord with me, I even wrote it down on the back of an envelope. If you don't like the use of bad language (in which case I imagine you must find living in the modern world rather difficult!) look away now. Bruce Willis asks the big black guy - "Are you ok?". His answer (and it's all in the delicious agonised way he slowly says it) - "Naww man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from ok." . . as I've said here before, one of the worst things I can be forced to endure, is having to sit around waiting for someone to arrive. I sat around all day waiting for the police. Didn't feel I was able to get on and do anything else (DIY on the attic, cementing, etc.) , just in case they turned up in the middle of it. So, I sat, and sat and waited and waited. . . ate the remainder of the mashed potato stuff, re-heated from yesterday. . Would you believe it. True to form - what with half the population wanting to watch the England football match - the cable service was completely down (no cable channels at all - and remained down until somewhere around midnight!). see - having that aerial on the roof as a 'back up' was definitely the right way to go. Ignored the football and watched a little of the other channels ('The Man From Larame') before laying down to eventually manage a nap for an hour or so . . . walked . . . BB called . . .TVd . . forced down some luncheon meat sandwiches and two bags of crisps. . .PCd aimlessly pointing and clicking at my own site mostly. I did eventually start looking up a couple of things (one of the links) and ended up trying to understand a bunch of legal gibberish. The following extracts seemed relevant under the circumstances.

PROTECTION FROM HARASSMENT ACT 1997

Section 1 of the Act prohibits a person from pursuing a course of conduct which amounts to harassment. In order to commit an offence under section 2 of the Act, it is necessary to show that:
* harassment was caused. Harassment is not defined in the Act, except that it includes causing the person alarm or distress. Harassment is, however, a concept which the courts are used to interpreting through other legislation (e.g. the Public Order Act 1986);
* the harassment was caused by a course of conduct. This is defined in the Act as conduct on more than one occasion; though there is no requirement that the conduct is the same on each occasion. Conduct can include speech; and
* the alleged offender knows, or ought to know, that the course of conduct amounts to harassment of the other.

Section 2 of the Act makes it an offence for a person to pursue a course of conduct in breach of Section 1. A person found guilty of this offence is liable on summary conviction to a maximum of six months imprisonment, or a level 5 fine, or to both. The offence is not triable on indictment.
The offence of causing harassment is arrestable under the provisions of Section 24(2) of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1984 and attracts the powers associated with such offences.

Section 4 creates a new criminal offence of causing fear of violence. This offence will be committed only if the following elements are present:
* fear of violence was caused (on at least two occasions);
* the fear of violence was caused by a course of conduct; and
* the alleged offender knows, or ought to know, that the course of conduct will cause the other to fear violence.

so - it IS a police matter isn't it? Why haven't they turned up? When I type stuff here, I think I need to be replacing the word 'abuse' with harassment. Is that right? . . sat in the conservatory with coffees and cigarettes watching the rain and frogs until way past 2am before bed. . couldn't sleep and tossed and turned for over an hour before eventually fitful sleep. a
24 - Up around 10am!!!! . . .walked. Smashed bottles, chunks of wood, a large metal spirit level and much other debris and 'weapons' were all laying around down the road where the disturbance was last night! . .Felt a bit screwed up by last night (to say the least) and ended up calling the police in the desperate hope that someone - anyone, could intervene and stop this girl from torturing me like she is. After all - I surely now have sufficient 'evidence' to enable her to be identified (through the local school) and contacted? I mean - surely - there MUST be some sort of law against behaving in such a way - persecuting an innocent person like this? There MUST be - surely - isn't there? It isn't only about wanting someone to intervene to stop her. I came oh SO close to assaulting her last night - and my involuntary fantasies about seeking her out and causing her real harm (death actually - and extrordinarily I don't think I'd have a problem with my conscience about it!) are starting to plague me all the time!! Someone needs to intervene to stop ME from deciding that living a life made hell like this simply isn't worth it, and a (short - as they all are these days) spell in prison would actually be a perfectly acceptable alternative!!!!!!!!! . I was SO upset by the time I got through to the police - got put on permanent hold - hung up - rang again - and finally got some comms officer to listen, that I slipped into using foul language in my desperate pleas for help. At this, the comms. officer chastised me and said there was no need to use such language to her. Not too sure why - something along the lines of after all I've been through, I'm even 'told off' by the police for saying the 'F' word - like EVERYONE wants to have a go at me - I burst into tears - on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o( F***ing humiliating THAT was! Ended up getting the usual blah blah of we'll 'try' and get someone out to you - sometime. . .PCd all day trying to compile the video/audio from last nights 'kids fun'. Called it quits late afternoon feeling very, VERY seriously unwell. Lay down to nap but couldn't still my mind, and really felt dangerously headachey and unwell, and ended up getting back up to crunch yet another annadin tablet and sit around waiting until it was time to have to venture out into the danger zone to face todays harassment and abuse. Actually dug out my blood pressure monitor and gave it a couple of runs, but as far as I can tell, I'm pretty much the usual 'normal' . . .just before 7pm as I was preparing myself to walk Sally (no small task, having to arm myself with video/audio recorders and check that fresh batteries are installed in them all, and that they are on, etc, etc, etc. I very nearly took a video of my hands before I stepped out. They were shaking SO bad - I wouldn't have been able to drink a glass of water without spilling it everywhere! Pathetic wimp! :o( ) the police comms person called and as usual, apologised that no one was available to come out to see me today because they were oh so busy. I usually respond to this 'apologising call' (which appears to be their policy, rather than actually do something!!!!????) by being all understanding and thankful. On this occasion I was NOT, and simply let the woman drone on with her script, and made little attempt to fill the awkward silence. . . walked - without incident I think . .as usual, as the evening wore on and the hell of having to walk Sally was behind me for this day, I felt a little better and just a little more in control of myself. Jeeze - I was real close to - um - 'the edge' earlier. :o( . .BB called . . . briefly touched base with LB asking suggestions of what the hell I can do with the piece of defrosted fish (haddoc) she donated months ago. .cooked up the fish in some milk and then broke it up and mixed it all in to a saucepan of mashed potatoe together with some peas. Seemed to take ages to do. Ate two thirds of it. Ok I guess - but definitely not enough fish for that many potatoes, and seriously not worth all the effort. . . TVd . . . BB called . . . ate chocolate biscuits . . . TVd until bed in the early hours. aaa
23 - Up around 8:15am . . . walked . . .definitely a 'different' day today! Some article on the news said something about a university bod calculating that this date was supposed to be the 'happiest' day of the year, given the weather, events' socialising etc! Hmmm - I bet. . . . used the cement mixer and mixed up a load of cement and put a skim over the attic wall between the firebreasts . . . ate luncheon meat sandwiches with two bags of crisps. Sally refused the usual crust I throw her! Blimey - she isn't well is she!. . . lay down to nap. Woken within an hour by BB leaving a message on the ansaphone. . back up and did a little more of the 're-pointing' of the brickwork on the other attic wall. Another ten loads like that and I should be done!!!! Ugggh. . . walked. Nerve wracking to find the field full of groups of drinking smoking kids all over the place (one fifty plus congregation), but suprisingly I didn't hear me getting any abuse. What a relief. A day off from the hassle? . . stopped in the chip shop on the way home for a jumbo sausage and chips. Uh oh. . .The poison dwarves / spawn of Satan!! The poison dwarves / spawn of Satan!!
Yet more 'abuse'! :o( 2,013 KB

- unfinished -

PS popped in for chats. Before he'd even parked the car I was out asking if he'd quickly run me round the block. I just wanted (needed?!) to know if that girl was still hanging around there. I SO need to find out who she is and where from. . there was no sign of them unless they were in the HUGE throng of kids I spotted in the field as we drove by . .BB called . . . Poor PS. I wasn't nice to be around. TVd and ate biscuits. . long after PS had gone, well after 1am, there was a huge amount of noise coming from the direction of the local pub. Lots of shouting and banging and smashing of stuff. Frightening. . . . sleep-ish at daylight.

- unfinished - s
22 - Eventually got up around 8:15am feeling headachey, aching and absolutely awful yet again!? Too much more of this and it'd be tempting to consider a doctor visit - but of course I won't, because in my experience you can't go to a doctor saying 'I don't feel well'. They want to know symptoms, and I can't really pin any down, other than just feeling tired, aching and crap all the time! :o( . . couldn't find Sally!!!???!!!! Raced around the house and eventually found her laying down in the attic! Probably sulking because I shut her out of my bedroom for - um - the first time ever I think! . . hosed down the garden . . . SO tired, I toyed with the idea of not walking her but eventually mustered the energy and trudged round the field as usual. . . had a bit of a go at cleaning the bit of the PC room carpet where Sally'd had her accident. That VAX thing is useless. Think I should just get rid of it and have the cupboard space. Ended up with the electric fan on, trained on the washed/wet bit of carpet to try and dry it quicker. . PCd a bit of this - just to avoid doing anything else really! :o( . . . ate bowls of muesli and went back to bed, leaving the back door open for poor squirty Sally!. . Sis1 called . . . fitfully slept until around 4pm . . . cooked up chips with a couple of long ago LB donated, defrosted 'thai cakes'. . . walked and found 2p. Saw SH picking someone up just down the road and had a quick word. Haven't spoken to him for - um - years so it seems? Blimey - he's bought himself a boat to live on out Keynsham way. Nice one. . . silly comments shouted out from a kid near the chip shop about having a spliff later. . Sat on the grass at the top of the field for a while. As I eventually carried on down the frield, from way off across the other side, some 'kid' start chanting 'Binman, binman, binman' (I ignored that) before ending his chant by shouting out 'CUNT!' (Yes - I didn't asterix it out. Offensive isn't it. Try having a child shouting it out at you!) I crossed the field and confronted him but he simply denied having called it out at me. . that saw me have a dramatic downward dip in my 'mood'. Understatement. It's reached the point with this drip drip drip of abuse/harassment torture, that I really do feel like a completely worthless, useless piece of shit, totally confirmed by 'society' forcing me to passively accept it. It has become painfuly clear to me of late (particularly with this knife amnesty nonsense propoganda, oh so transparantly supposed to tackle 'the fear of crime' as if the fear of crime is totally unwarranted. Someone should tell whoever comes up with this sort of b*****t, that people fear crime when their personal experience gives them bloody good cause to!) that society demands a passive acceptance of crime by its victims. If I find myself in a situation whereby simply walking along the street I am quite liable to be attacked (which of course I do!), it makes perfect sense that I should be able to carry some form of weapon to enable me to defend myself. The law dictates, I cannot. I really do find that quite bizarre. :o( . . Walking back from the field, having to squeeze past a group of youths blocking the path and having no intention of moving so I could get past, a ropey car (body damage/no brake light etc) appeared in the street and started doing smokey burn outs and racing up and down, presumably to 'impress' the watching group. It drove off when I stopped to watch and was seen to be getting my mobile phone out. Damn - the police number has changed and I haven't updated my speedial to whatever it is!. .TVd feeling - um - well - pretty strongly suicidal actually! F***ing miserable life I seem to have engineered for myself. Get up every day only to have to do hard physical labour on a house that is more of a building site than a home(that I could carry on working at for years and still not have it 'liveable' - but it IS MY home!), just so I can try and get rid of it, only to have a break from the grind twice a day to be abused in the street and with the constant fear of further physical attacks. I find myself pondering that one of the greatest regrets I have about myself is that I haven't got whatever it is that is required to actually follow through and end it all like so many others can. Ho hum. Such is my lot. :o( . . . BB called . . .TVd . . . ate luncheon meat sandwiches, the last of the chocolate in the house and some biscuits while watching TV through until getting on for around 3am before bed. Took the risk of shutting the back door and keeping Sally in, even though her stomach is still obviously pretty upset. s
21 - Woken by Sally just before 7am . . . walked . . .sat in the attic with a coffee trying to figure out what bit of the DIY work to do next. I've kinda 'lost my way' a bit. All I can see are all the thousand and one things that need doing, and can't seem to break them down into do-able chunks - and on top of that, I never seem to feel I have the energy to be awake, let alone do 'work'! At length, I mustered the energy to have a go at starting the preliminary work to the 'build up' of the party walls. Used the disc cutter to grind back the dozen or so bricks that are protruding too much, prior to coating both walls with dilute PVA. VERY windy! The state of the wall on the 'new' neighbour's side is amazing! Almost as though there is hardly any of that old dust mortar holding it together. It's just a honeycombe of gaps!!! So much so, I think I'm effectively going to have to do the hugely time consuming work of effectively 'repointing' the whole wall, between all of the bricks, before I can get anywhere near being able to put a skim of render on it!!!! I can even feel the wind blowing through the gaps (and can smell next doors air freshener/perfume drifting through!!!!!!!!) . only managed a square meter or so of 'repointing' before having to call it quits - exhausted around 4pm. . . ate defrosted chicken sandwiches and some biscuits before laying down to sleep . . . woken around 7:15pm by Mum calling (oops - I'd left the ansaphone turned off) to remind me about the Convent TV show on later. . VERY slow waking up, and really not wanting to have to. :o( . . . walked . . .TVd 'The Convent' . . BB called . .ate a microwaved tin of stewed steak with four pieces of bread and butter . . . TVd until deep into early. Just before bed, Sally appeared to need to use the garden. As soon as I opened the door she raced out and proved to have a badly upset stomach again (although she hasn't been too bad for quite a while). . don't know how much sleep I got, but it wasn't much. Had to let Sally out again within an hour or so, and then probably within another hour she was all pacing around and disturbing my sleep. Woken again by the sound of what was obviously an uncontrollable/unexpected accident by Sally in the back bedroom/PC room followed by her racing downstairs! Raced down after her and let her out into the garden before just putting newspapers down in the back bedroom. That'll have to wait until the morning! :o( Oh god I need some sleep!!!!!!! Desperate! Ended up leaving the back door open so Sally could use the garden as required, and actually shut my bedroom door, so she couldn't wake me up again! Hellish night. :o( as
20 - Woken by Sally earlier then up around 7:45am . . .PCd this . . .walked . . .Headachey. :o( . . cut to size and fixed up the piece of plasterboard to the ceiling and applied a bit of plaster to fill the gaps. Seems to have worked out 'ok', but is gonna require a lot of work and more plastering to blend it in to the old ceiling. . sat around looking at all the work and being unable to muster the energy to do any of it, and mostly not feeling very well! Eventually just gave up and spent the rest of the day just sitting around, PC/TVing and occasionally crunching more Annadin tablets . . . forced down multiple bowls of heavily sugared corn flakes before walking Sally . . .TVd . . watched most of the England v. Sweden football match! Really - me - watching football!!!! Whatever next! Ok, ok - should the truth be known, I only watched bits of it while flicking through all the other channels. Dunno why England 'fans' and the news channels seem to have such a hard time admitting that the England team is just rubbish. If they actually make it through to some sort of final, I reckon it'll be by pure luck. Also - seems pretty pathetic to me that everyone was delighted that the England team wouldn't have to face the German team because of their draw against Sweden. Isn't that kinda like admitting the England team isn't good enough, and is only getting through by default? What a load of meaningless nonsense it all is! . . . ate two bags of crisps and two meat and pastry slices . . . TVd until bed at midnight. Actually found watching part of one of those autopsy programs, far more interesting than the football. Some woman who'd died of breast cancer in her early forties and donated her body to the 'show', was encased in a block of polyurethane type foam and was then cut into slices on a band-saw (!!) so they could show the extent of her cancer!!!!! Eewwww, eeewww, ewwww!!! But it WAS fascinating to see how she was absolutely riddled with visible secondaries (primary long since removed), all throughout her major organs! No wonder she'd died! aa
19 - Woken by Sally around 8:15am. God I'm SOoo tired again. :o( . . walked. . .loaded the car up with the old timber and sacks of rubble, left Sally at home and drove to the council tip to join the long queue of cars. . eventually had my turn, got the rubbish dumped and then drove on to B&Q at Longwell Green to buy a replacement blade for my circular saw (16.98 Ouch! Grrr! :o( ) and a small piece of plasterboard (2.24). Stopped off and had a prowl round a couple of other DIY stores looking at timber and plywood and such, trying to figure out what to use to redo the attic stairs. Can't decide what to use, and not having the stairs finished and finalised is going to hold me up from making progress. Very annoying . . . back home and decided the foul short tempered mood I was still in, was definitely not the sort of mood to be attempting to do more attic work, so I cooked up four small burgers in bread rolls for lunch. A couple of squares of chocolate and then slept . . . up around 5:30pm . . . PCd a bit of this . . . walked in a hint of drizzle. Bizarre weather - SO much cooler all of a sudden.Wore the lightweight black, nylon showercoat I'd found over the field some time - the type that has a hood rolled up in the collar. Actually quite a nice little shower coat for warm weather. :o) . . BB called . . . listened to a little music and even 'touched' the guitar for a minute . . TVd . . . ate the last half a chicken with four pieces of bread and butter and then chocolate and biscuits . . TVd until bed after midnight. s
18 - Woken by Sally around 7:30am . . . walked . . .worked in the attic where the new 'corridor' to the attic stairs ceiling, meets the attic floor. Used unibond and some old plaster on the top of the section of collapsing ceiling to firm it all up and keep it up there. Botched some mini joining rafters. Nothing structural - just something to nail a piece of plasterboard to, but complicated by the considerable sag in the old ceiling, and my attempts to disguise it enough not to be a draw to the eye every time you go down the stairs from the attic. Didn't go well and took hours. :o( . . eventually called it quits and decided to cut up for disposal with the circular saw, two of the old purlins I've been hanging on to in case the timber came in useful. That damned new replacement saw won't cut as deep as the old one, so I had to do masses of cuts from both sides of the timber! Oh NO!!! I hit an old nail, hidden deep in the timber, and tore some of the teeth off the saw blade! FOOL! That put me even deeper into a foul mood. Stupid, stupid, stupid mistake - that's gonna cost me dear! :o( Eventually managed to finish cutting up the timber with the broken saw blade and moved all the car sized lengths down into the front garden together with half a dozen sacks of rubble / dust / wood / debris, etc etc. . .cleaned up and then ate half a chicken with four pieces of bread and butter and then some chocolate. . as soon as the food reached my stomach I just HAD to lay down for a nap, despite it being so late, around 5:30pm . . woken by LB dropping off some roast dinner left overs for Sally, around 7:15pm . . . walked. A good natured 'alright mate - we haven't got a spliff tonight' called out from one of the kids from last nights smoking group!!! Embarassing - but I'd sure rather have that called out, than some of the alternatives I've become more accustomed to! :o/ . . . . sat in the attic feeling fed up and miserable. There's so, SO much more to do. I just feel utterly physically worn out with it all. . . BB called . . .TVd and then PCd, surfing looking at all sorts of fantasy escapist nonsense 'for-sales' - Harleys/canal boats/camper vans/Land Rovers, etc, etc, etc!! . . . TVd and ate bowls of co-co pops before bed around 1am. s
17 - Woken by insistant Sally before 7am! . . . walked . . . cooked up four sausages, half a tin of beans and two eggs and ate with two pieces of bread and butter for a rather large mid morning breakfast. . pretty soon back to bed and slept through until woken by a nightmare around 2pm . . . sat around in the heat/TVd/PCd . . . walked and stopped for sausage and chips takeaway on the way home. . . PS popped round . . . BB called . . .TVd eating huge quantities of chocolate biscuits. . . BB called before to bed around 1am. s
16 - Terrible nights sleep, woken over and over again by someones car alarm going off up the road, and then by some sort of 'domestic' from a neighbour opposite. They do so seem to love being loud and public when they argue! Eventually gave up and got up before 7am. . . walked . . .worked in the attic and cut, rebated, screwed, cemented, glued the last short section of floor joist in its final position. . got serious with the floor sheets and finally mustered the courage to start cutting them up to make up the part sheets to join the walls. Didn't go 'too' badly, and eventually ended up with a wall to wall floor for the first time (all still temporary and loose). Even managed to pretty much do the whole lot with a 'staggered' lay for best strength whilst retaining all of the tongue and groove joins (with the exception of a couple of short bits either side of the chimney breasts back and front). Cool. :o) Rather disappointingly, I managed to piece the jigsaw together so economically, I've ended up with two of the huge floor sheets left over somehow. Only disappointing in as much as I won't be able to bring myself to throw them away so will have those cluttering up the place for months - until I'm absolutely certain I can't use them anywhere. . walked. Passed a group of half a dozen or so kids (early teens - or younger actually!) sat on the grass on the way out of the field. A couple of them started 'making a show' for my benefit that they were smoking a joint, presumably expecting to get a rise out of 'informer'!? Then, completely unexpectedly, one of them offered the joint to me for a toke!!! Good greif - how utterly bizarre - but rather nicer than just getting a load of abuse! In fact, from those kids, that seemed like a rather generous 'conciliatory' act. Risky - but I 'calculated' the risk, accepted, had a drag, handed it back and thanked them. With any luck, THAT little group won't be giving me too much hassle and abuse from now on. . jeeze - they were smoking incredibly strong stuff (bush). Dunno how they can get away with that - how they could cycle their push bikes home afterwards, and presumably appear 'straight' in front of their parents!!!! That one little drag had a pretty immediate effect on me - or was it the lack of food all day? Suddenly had to check half way home, that I actually had the right dog - or any dog - on the end of the lead!! lol . . . ate half a chicken with four pieces of bread and butter and then a mountain of biscuits. . . touched base with BB . . .TVd until bed before midnight. s
15 - Woke around 5am all bunged up and sneezing!? Fitfully snoozed on until up around 7:30am . . .PCd this . . . walked with Sally the long walk down to Eastville Park/Purdown/Vassals and back via Fishponds. .stopped for two ready cooked garlic chickens, and then a nice loaf of bread on the way home . . . ate half a chicken with four pieces of bread and butter . . . lay down to nap and was almost asleep when I got another (had a few recently!?) phone call from some cold call company or other (in India I suspect!). "Never ever, ever, EVER call this number EVER again!". Grrrrr. . napped until gone 6pm, but in time to wake up with a coffee watching the end of the England match - which apparantly was the right bit to watch. Two nil to England, although god knows how - they really do seem second rate to my unfamiliar eye. . . walked . . . TVd . . . touched base with BB . . . TVd . . surfed a bit and ended up looking at property on Skye etc. . ate bowls of cornflakes and then some marmalade on toast and chocolate before bed somewhere around midnight. s
14 - Woke around 5:15am. Fitfully snoozed on until up around 6:45am . . . PCd just a bit of this . . . walked . . .PCd a bit more of the music files I'm trying to re-encode to bring them in line with the rest of my collection. I never did finish all the work to re-encode to a slightly lesser quality, all those that DS sent me. I'm happy enough with the lower quality, and the file size saving should see me claw back a couple of Gigabytes of much needed hard drive space if I can put in the work to do them all. It's a lot of work! :o( . .attempted to force myself to reply to a couple of e-mails. I dunno what it is, but these days, if there is one thing I absolutely HATE having to do, it's reply to mails (each one - even if just a couple of lines - just takes me SO long to do!). Pretty much - I simply don't!!! With the exception of a couple of infrequent one liner replies to BB before her laptop broke, I can count the number of people I've sent e-mails to in the last year, on the fingers of one hand!!! . I wanted to reply to DS last mails, but rather than sit there typing for hours, and now I have broadband, I experimented with the camcorder and did a small video reply. That ended up taking most of the morning, and eventually turned out to be SO huge, even crunched down to a tiny WMV file, it was still up around 10 megabytes! Broadband or not, I still got to do much of the mountain of dishwashing chores before it had finished sending! Don't think I'll be doing that again! . . finished dishwashing chores . . .ate garlic sausage sandwiches with two bags of crips followed by half a bar of chocolate . . .napped the afternoon away until around 5:30pm . . . balanced my accounts . . .walked. Taunts of 'informer' from half a dozen kids on bikes who followed me across the field calling out abuse, and one even made threats towards Sally! :o( . . . cooked up and ate four sausages, two eggs, half a tin of baked beans and a handfull of chips. . . BB called . . . PS popped round for chats, coffee and biscuits until early. . TVd until bed around 1am. s
13 - Woken at 5:45am by Sally barking as some leaflet/circular thing was posted through the letter box! Grrrr. What a time to be delivering such stuff! . . up before 7am . . . walked . . . headachey and tired. PCd a bit, sorting out more of my music files . . . sat around all day, mostly in front of the TV, feeling not so good and popping annadin tablets. . .cooked up a packet of out of date pasta in mushroom sauce stuff that's been in the cupboard for years. Mixed in a couple of chopped rashers of bacon and onion and then ate with four pieces of bread and butter . . PS called . . walked-still headachey. Called PS back and said not tonight. I think I'm gonna have to go to bed early! . . TVd . . . touched base with BB . . . TVd until early to bed just after 10pm!
12 - Woken around 5am by a spectacular thunder storm. Flash, banggggg! :o) Can't have been many people who had a full nights sleep in Bristol this night. Sat in the attic/conservatory with unconcerned Sally, watching the show. Bouts of absolutely torrential rain! (Too much to be able to play with the camcorder much). I'd been starting to get concerned about how much the pond level had dropped by evaporation in the hot weather. The incredible downpour filled it right back up immediately. Also - fingers crossed - early signs from the attic, are that my 'paint the chimney stack and upper parapet wall render botch' has had a positive effect. :o) I'm pretty sure, THAT amount of HEAVY rain, would have penetrated a bit before. Fingers crossed . . walked Sally early, before 7am after the storm had passed . . .PCd this . . Mum called to touch base. They'd had the storm down there too. . . Had a letter in the mail the other day from the local council planning department, giving neighbours to an application that has been put in, the chance to comment or object. PCd and looked it up on line. Yet another person trying to build a house in their garden! A bungalow, already on a strange 'crammed in' plot of land behind our street, has applied to build another dwelling in their garden! The application was actually suprisingly vague and was kinda going for permission for whatever it could get - single or two storey! An extension or another bungalow would I guess be ok, but if they get permission to put in a full two storey house, it'll definitely have a big negative impact on the rear outlook of every house in this street. Admittedly it wouldn't impact on me 'too' much, but certainly the houses down the road would be greatly affected and would loose most of their view of the sky and certainly all of their morning sunlight! Almost out of 'principle', I registered an objection. It just can't go on like this, with houses and flats being crammed onto every single scrap of available land. At least three new houses have been built on 'gardens' like that, roundabout, pretty much within sight of my house! . . . ate bacon and fried egg sandwiches . . . napped all afternoon . . .PCd and dabbled with some music files . . . walked and found 3p. Found a football laying in the hedge and kicked it around the field for Sally to play with. Exchanged a word or two with a woman walking a HUGE (well over waist high!) young, dappled grey, Great Dane - called 'Scooby' (perfect name for him! lol). He's a youngster and apparantly isn't too good at coming back to her when she lets him off the lead, so she had him on one of those spring loaded extending leads (I don't like). As I briefly walked along with them, I didn't think, and happily kicked the football again for Sally to chase after. As she ran after it, Scooby decided to run after her. A strange 'gangely' horse-like run - which had the woman sudeenly calling out 'NO! Ohhwwwww nO!!'. The extending lead ran out of extending, and the woman couldn't let go quick enough, and down she went - straight to the floor in a bad parachute type roll!! Musta hurt, although I think she was more embarassed than anything else - covered in bits of debris and dry mud. Luckily Scooby came back to her calls (actually following Sally I think) and I managed to grab his trailing lead. Funny. :o) . TVd . . . ate garlic sausage, cheese and onion sandwiches with two bags of crisps . . . BB called briefly . . . TVd eating biscuits and then bowls of co-co pops before to bed by midnight. s
11 - Woken by Sally just after 7am! . . PCd a bit. .walked in the heat and cleared up around the field, particularly after the handful of scumbag football partyers who just up and walked away from their gathering, leaving multiple 'disposable' bar-b-q sets, wine bottles, beer cans and much other debris, laying around right in the middle of the rugby pitch! A lot of rubbish for less than half a dozen people!? There was even a whole, unused two foot long pack of plastic cups left behind. What a waste. Filled and binned four carrier bags full, without making much of an impression on the mess. . .messed around replacing and reconnecting some of the PC related stuff. I still haven't 'rebuilt' my usual PC desk disorganised heap of kit and things. Didn't get very far before giving up and having a bit of a surf, and had a look at the Google , 'George Bush' video link that DS had sent me. As usual with such things, I wasn't so much 'amused' by the thing, more intrigued and fascinated at how it had been done. Must have taken someone a long, LONG time to knock that up!! Clever. This broadband thing, sure does make it easier to poke around on the net - but the sad truth of it is, I'm damned if I can ever find anything of any particular interest to me! It's kinda analagous to my position with life I guess. The whole world is out there - and I'm really just not interested! . . . half watched the grand prix . . sat around, energyless in the heat . . . TVd. . ate a pack of six defrosted, heavily buttered crumpets . . walked - slowly. God I'm SOooo tired. .BB called . . . TVd . . .strangely still not hungry, but forced down some garlic sausage, grated cheese and onion sandwiches and biscuits . . TVd until bed before midnight.
10 - Woken by Sally around 8:45am! Blimey - that was a long sleep - only to wake feeling as though I could easily sleep some more! . . . walked in the heat. . . sat around, sat around, and sat around some more. . PCd this with the fan on right next to me, trying to keep things cool . . .ate liver sausage sandwiches (six pieces of bread and butter!) and two bags of crisps . . . all this football world cup nonsense is utterly beyond me. Everywhere people have put England flags up - many, completely 'over the top', kinda like they do these days with their Christmas lights, trying to be 'better' than the neighbours. Pathetic I think. A couple of years ago you started to see those silly plastic, made in China flags appearing clipped to peoples car windows. Now everyone has to have two. I've even seen cars with four! Everyone seems to act as though it has some importance. And I thought MY life was empty! I just don't get it. Never have - never will. . couldn't muster the energy to do anything else, and used the excuse of the first England world cup game to sit in front of the TV, and attempt to force myself to watch the match. I sat through the first half - so bored - oh SO bored - occasionally becoming so excrutiatingly bored, I couldn't help myself flicking over to the CCTV camera, just to watch whatever traffic there was going by! True to form, one of the local nutters down a nearby flag/bunting adorned street, raced out and set off fireworks within seconds of England having scored a goal! Um - why? . Made it through to half time before ending up in bed for a nap - which was apparantly just as well, because as far as I could tell from the news later, nothing else happened during the game worthy of report - oh, except they all got very thristy apparantly. Yep - that's worthy of a world news report!!!!! . . walked. Walked the extra to a local store and treated myself to a bottle of Newcastle brown ale. Haven't had one of those for the longest time, and unusually had a hankering. . sat in the garden supping before ending up in the attic, standing at the open velux window watching the world go by, supping some more. Observed/overheard two of the 'usual suspect' little yobs, walking down the street with a carrier bag full of 'drink', discussing what they should do with it and where they should 'stash' it! . . . LB called to touch base. She'd spotted me popping out to put something in my bin earlier, and unusually I'd not been wearing a T shirt. She felt obliged to remark on how skinny I looked ("like someone out of Belson"!). Cheers then!! Seems to becoming a bit of a habit whenever I talk to her - 'slagg off' how Terry looks! . . . BB called . . . TVd . . . cooked up four beefburgers and ate them in heavily buttered bread rolls, followed by chocolate and biscuits . . . TVd an entertaining film ('Pass It Forward') before eventually to bed around 2am. ds
9 - Woken by Sally earlier but managed to growl her away and snooze on until up around 8:30am . . . walked in the heat and found a penny. Some large industrial type of wheeled trolley has now appeared just left in the field! It really is turning into a tip over there. Someone dumped a fridge, matress and some chair cushions just the other day!!!! B*******s. :o( . . . took down and cleaned the curtain pole and all the rings from the back bedroom before putting it all back up and re-hanging the curtains - to act as a sun shade to try and keep the temperature down while I work on the PC. Actually dug out the electric fan from the cupboard and de-dusted and cleaned all that up, before having it blowing at me and the PC. . . PCd this to the constant accompaniment of next doors dog barking and yelping because she'd been left alone! Last thing ya wanna be subjected to on a really hot day. Two hours and counting? Grrrr. :o( . . .BB called . . . ate a couple of beef pastry pies with crisps . . . did laundry and a little more cleaning/tidying up. . . PCd . . . walked. Sally chased a rabbit. Large numbers of kids (20+?) in two groups sat around near the edge of the field. I could hardly believe I received (to my knowledge) not one single word of abuse! :o) In fact - dare I admit it and tempt fate - I've had it pretty 'easy' for a while now. I've even begun to relax just a 'little' more at home - and have been giving the CCTV video recorder a rest, for much of the time of late. . TVd . . . BB called briefly . . sat in the garden. Actively attempted to relax and was astonished at how up tight my body is all the time. Didn't help being able to hear huge amounts of drunken shouting all around in the far distance (people everywhere using the world cup nonsense as an excuse to get 'acceptably' drunk and rowdy). There was a program on TV the other night about an American woman with autism, who has become an authority on 'stock handling' in abbatoirs (because she 'understands' the fear of the cows!! She spoke much of 'sensory overload' in certain situations. I partialy understood very well what she was getting at. Raised voices seem to cause me an unusally extreme response. It doesn't matter that the raised voices may be benign, 'good natured' and happy (as I'm sure were many of those I could hear in the distance chanting 'Eng - gland, Eng-gland'). I am caused some considerable - umm - well - lets be honest - FEAR by them! So much so, even sat 'calmly' with Sally unknown in the safety of my garden, I thought through where the nearest defensive weapon was, I could grab if the need arose!!!!! . . . TVd rubbish (which seems to be all that is ever on these days - and now of course, for the next month, all that is gonna be on, all the time on every channel is bloody football - even on the news channels! Was it really necessary as an item of news on the BBC News 24 channel the other day, to have extensive non stop live coverage from the airport of the England football team getting on a plane - and waiting - and taxiing - and waiting - to fly off to Germany?! Ugggh. :o( ). . . ate defrosted roast potatoes and chicken with a pint of gravy followed by large amounts of ASDA's own chocolate. . hot to bed just before midnight. as
8 - Woken by Sally earlier then again and up around 8:15am . . . walked . . . Not much I can really get on with today - the cable guy is supposed to be here any time between 1 and 6pm to instal my broadband. . did lots of laundry and tidied up all around the place. Even put the back bedroom dust covered curtains through the wash! . . Mum called to touch base . . carried on pottering around and tidying up a bit. . .peeled potatoes and cooked up a plate of chips with some chopped salad for lunch . . . TVd, did yet more laundry and pottered around until the cable guy turned up, somewhere around 2pm. Despite the 'fears' I've harboured for the longest time, about how a cable guy could turn up and disapprove of my installation and insist on altering things and screwing boxes to my wall etc, he was fine about it and perfectly accomodating of my desires/requests. In fact - the 'installation' turned out to be frankly a joke. All it meant was putting a splitter on the existing cable lead, and then running another cable to wherever the cable modem was gonna be sited. I rather suspect I actually made the job really easy for him, and he was more than happy to just give me enough cable to pretty much reach anywhere in the house, with a couple of new ends on. He rang up to activate the modem from the living room, and pretty soon was all done and gone (although he did make the mistake of expressing his fondness for dogs, and German Shepherds in particular, and was forced to watch the 'Sally sleeping' video before he could get away! lolol) . .routed the new cable around the 'skirting' recess with all the rest, up inside the understairs cupboard, under the floorboards and into the back bedroom. Temporary, but suitably hidden. . made sure I set a 'restore point' before reluctantly running the cable company installation CD (god I SO HATE having some company 'splatter' my PC with unknown/unwanted alterations like that!). Simple enough, but 'what a palava' was my reaction to whatever it did. Seemed to take ages for what I imagine was actually a rather simple configuration change - and suprisingly, at the very end of the process, a dialogue box froze on screen and I had to simply go for a re-boot! (I'm gonna have to spend some time trying to figure out what it HAS done - and maybe have a go at a manual set up on the living room PC). . maybe it's obvious, that is how you connect up broadband, but I WAS rather disappointed it assumed I was going to connect to the modem using the onboard network card (and actually didn't give me a choice - despite apparantly being designed to alternatively use a USB port. So - I'm not currently able to network my two PCs, because I'm using the network connection to attach to the cable modem. Gonna have to look into that. Last thing I want to be doing is getting tempted into running around trying to buy a router and cables! :o( ). . experimented with the broadband connection. Yep. It works. I WAS well aware I'd slipped behind the times with my dial up. It'd got to the point, with SO many people designing websites with heavy graphics and such, that I've pretty much stopped surfing! It was just too time consuming and frustrating waiting for the dial up modem to struggle with dowloading the simplest of sites. Even with this relatively 'slow' broadband connection, it is now do-able again. Blimey - it even downloaded and played one of my own music videos in no time at all. Sheesh - on my dial up, it was taking me around twenty minutes just to upload the files to my webspace! 'Celebrated' by very happily downloading masses of Microsft updates. Cool. .. after so many years on a dial up, it's gonna take some getting used to. The way I had my dial up set up, with the modem speaker audible and auto connect turned off etc, I was always pretty much fully aware of what was going on, and could quickly act if some nasty pop up or virus type thingy attempted anything nasty. I feel strangely 'insecure' about having a silent, 'always on' broadband connection, liable to be doing who knows what when I haven't specifically asked for it. Even the switch to 'standby' on the cable modem seems to retain a live connection to the PC in some way, rather than just disconnect it. It's gonna take me a while before I stop disabling my network connection and turning off the power to the modem, when I don't specifically want to be connected (like when I'm sat typing this). . walked and found a penny. Next door was there with her dog, so I ended up walking around with them. The last week or so, she's had a guy in putting down a tiled floor for her, in her conservatory/kitchen. Apparantly, he discovered behind her fridge, evidence of a mouse having been there! Yikes. Jeeze - hope they don't come in here!! More hassle I do not need! . . PCd just a bit of this. Ooops - made a hyperlink mistake last time I uploaded (pointing at my hard drive! lol) - and on reflection, I think I'd better re-name one of those 'surveillance' videos I've uploaded. It seemed pefectly logical to me what I meant, what with the capitalisation and all (Girl Scum_s.wmv) - but I have a sneaking suspicion it could result in some - err - unwanted attention from people doing searches of another kind!!!!! Boy - would they be disappointed! lololol . . PCd just a bit of this . . BB called . . .TVd . . . cooked up four beefburgers in bread rolls . . . TVd . . . ate multiple bowls of co-co pops before bed around midnight. s
7 - Not a good nights sleep then up just after 7:15am . . . .walked . . . back to the mess in the house and succeeded in getting the other trio of ceiling lights in the kitchen fixed up and wired in . . battled on and managed to cut in with the disc cutter, a socket box and conduit for the ceiling light in the new corridor to the attic . .rushed things, got the switch all wired up, and managed to replace the pieces of attic floor I had to re-raise to do the job. . tidied up and vacuumed around the place and was all showered (Blimey - I'm BELOW ten stone now!!!!!!) and done by around 6pm. I think I need to take a long break from all this hard graft, and maybe just spend a week eating stuff?. . drove with Sally to Conham in Hanham to walk along the river. I've rather been neglecting her of late so figured she deserved a nice walk. Been a while since I was down there. Everything is all in full growth. Lovely. Sat in the woods at my usual sitting place for ages . . eventually back to the car in the small car park. Parked passenger side on, immediately in front of me, was a white van with a shirt or some such, draped out of the half open passenger door window. As I pulled the car out to start heading home, I was presented with the sight of the womans bare ass as she climbed over onto her boyfriend! Weird, rather busy place to be doing that - and frankly too bloody hot I reckon! . . stopped off at the kebab shop on the way home and treated myself to a kebab and chips . .gave Sally a huge meal with her normal tin of meat, a few left over chips and all the remaining beef curry I'd left in the saucepan . . TVd struggling to stay awake . . . BB called . . woke up enough to have a go at connecting some of the PC equipment back together. . PC a bit of this before to bed around 1am
6 - Woken by Sally just after 7:30am . . .walked . . .difficulty motivating myself to do anything! Really, really can't face any of it! Burned out (again)? On top of that, I'm prtty decided in my own mind, I'm gonna have to 're-clad' the attic stairs. The heavy subframe I built is fine, but all that expensive wide timber I bought, to actually make the steps and rises, has all warped SO badly, I just can't live with it. And no, it isn't a case of not letting it dry out/acclimatise before using it etc etc. It warps like that when it HAS acclimatised/dried out! Hell - I even tested a piece and put it under a heavy stack of the big tongue and groove floor sheets, in an attempt to keep it flat, but even that didn't work! So - what a waste of money and effort all that work was. God knows what I'm gonna end up replacing it with - some sort of plyboard type stuff I guess? The only good point I can see about it is, I can at least use the existing boards as templates for cutting new ones. :o( . . . Mum called to touch base and refer to the DVD . . left Sally at home and drove to Kingswood to draw out some money. Dunno if it was the hot weather or what, but I seemed to be in a foul short tempered mood again!? It wasn't helped when I went into the Wilkes store and tried to buy a whole reel of heavy duty lighting cable. Had to grab an assistant and wait around for ages while she went to get one from the store room. Then when I got to the checkout, there was no bar code on the reel, so the woman had to call for assistance and the guy who came to deal with it seemed to take his time wandering around looking for someone else. After all that, he eventually sauntered back over to the checkout and announced that I couldn't buy it!!?? He even went to some lengths to type in the code so I could see the till display telling him not to sell it. Well then why the **** is it advertised on the shelf display then? Grrrr. (Actually - I'm pretty sure I know why they'd put a block on selling it. I think it was mis-priced. FAR too cheap - about half the price of elsewhere.) Very annoyed. . shopped briefly for a few groceries and then drove on to Longwell Green to buy a reel of heavy duty twin and earth lighting cable (12.89). Even that was a nightmare. Some crazy bunch of roadworks in Kingswood prevented me from just turning right out of the car park and going straight down there, and I was forced into the one way system and half way back home before getting to head in the direction I wanted!!! Arrrrgghh. . back home to eat liver sausage sandwiches and crisps. . . napped fitfully between ansaphone calls and Sally barking for only a couple of hours. . . somehow got a 'second wind' when I woke up, and started on the awkward wiring alterations - which meant breaking down the PC gear in the back bedroom and shifting it somewhere else to enable me to move part of the desk so I could get the floorboards up. . . made alterations and managed to include getting the trio of spotlights in the kitchen wired in and working at long last. Excellent. THAT was a bit of a bonus. :o) . . left everything upstairs in the attic and both bedrooms in a big mess and walked Sally late. . . BB called . . . TVd in a state of exhaustion . . . ate two meat and pastry slices before bed around 1am. s
5 - Up just before 9am . . .walked and found a penny . . . dug out the small collection of 'left overs' from the attic building site (a small collection of surplus joist hangers and the two air bricks I've decided not to use) and cleaned them off with the hose out on the patio and dried them in the scorching sun, before leaving Sally at home and driving to Wickes at Longwell Green to see if I could 'trade them back in', even though I no longer have the receipts. (Actually - I probably DO still have the receipts somewhere, but it'd take me hours to sort through the mess to find them). Good old Wickes - no problem at all, so I stocked up on sand and cement and a couple of other things to use up the credit. . . Drove on to B&Q looking for a replacement circular saw. To cut a long story short, they seemed to have nothing which favourably compared with my burned out saw, particularly in terms of depth of cut/size of blade. The only ones which seemed to come close seemed hugely expensive. I was hot, bothered, annoyed I was having to be there, absolutely was NOT gonna go driving around shopping round all over the place, and eventually just bought a 35 replacement, which I am convinced isn't a patch on the one I had! Grrrr. That improved my mood, not at all. . . Mum called to say she'd got the DVD. She had a neighbour guy painting her garden wall for her, so she'd look at it later. . . dabbled with just a bit of the wiring in the attic, but I really just wasn't in the mood to do ANY of it. Turns out, that bit of the lighting ring I've been putting off moving, which runs up next to the attic stairs, is going to be far harder to move than I'd thought because of where it runs from!! :o( Didn't help when I pretty immediately sliced my finger open with a stanley blade! Took the hint and decided to leave it all for another day . . . cooked up a bunch of rice and experimented with the cheap tin of beef curry I found in the back of the cupboard. Enough for two meals but - well - pretty yucky. I only saw one tiny little piece of 'credibility' beef, about the size of my thumbnail in that entire tin! Ate a dish full with four pieces of bread and butter. . . walked and found a penny. Also laying on the grass unattended in the middle of the field was a girls belt, pair of dangley silver look earrings and a bunch of around eight cheap bangles!? Added them to my found jewelry collection . . . BB called . . . sat in the attic thinking things through, and trying to figure out what to do about that awkward bit of wiring. Oooh, oooh, oooh - I think I have a plan. . TVd . . .sat in the garden . . . ate a couple of pastry pies and two bags of crisps and chocolate before bed around 2am. aaas
4 - Up just before 8am . . .PCd a bit of this - aching. . . walked . . . did the angle grinder work in the attic, to cut in a light socket and double conduit leading to it from beneath the attic floor, more or less at the top of the attic stairs . . Mum called to touch base in the middle of things. Good old Post Office - she hasn't got the DVD I sent on Friday! Grrr . .cemented in the conduits and socket box and called it quits and got cleaned up by around 4pm . . . ate corned beef, lettuce, tomato, onion and mayo sandwiches with crisps . .napped until almost 8pm . . .walked. On the way back from the field I noticed a guy laying unconscious on the pavement of the road that runs alongside the field! Wandered over to make sure he was ok and still alive! Much snoring. lolol . Just too much drink then. Felt obliged to wake him anyway, to ask him if he was ok and to point out that he was asleep on the side of the road (which lets face it - around here isn't too safe a place to be asleep!). His drunken response to me pointing out where he was, was 'Oh - yeah' - looking around. I left him to it. . . sat in the attic watching cement dry - and the impressive sunset occasionaly. . BB called . . . sat in the garden and ended up messing around for ages with the camcorder until early, trying to get shots of the garden life . . PCd . .ate multiple bowls of cornflakes before bed around 3am. s
3 - Up around 8:30am . .PCd a bit of this. The last few days are just a blurr of battling with those VIDEOS! 'Funny' 'bookend' bits on all those indicated with a full stop. A couple of new ones 'Bumble Bee/SunriseSerenade' - and I'm particularly 'fond' of the 'Only Sleeping' one, which I keep watching over and again, myself!! It's all about the timing!! lolololol :o) . . walked . . .sat around in the heat trying to muster the energy to do something. There's so much to do - everywhere - and I don't feel as though I have the energy to do ANY of it - not even the dish washing!! Also - I now have the chore of having to go and buy a replacement circular saw before I can get on with much of it! :o( Scorching hot cloudless weather. Just can't face going out in a stifling car amongst the crowds of shoppers on such a day. . . It was real hard persuading myself to do it, but eventually I decided I HAD to make use of the good weather, and ought to have a go at doing my 'botch' on the roof in an attempt to help prevent the rain penetrating into that attic wall, behind the front chimney stack. . usual hassle of having to climb up over the bathroom/up the scaffold pole/over the roof. Dragged the short section of ladder with the roof hooks on, over the roof from the back and set it up next to the front chimney. Crawled up and down it for ages, doing a fingertip examination of that section of the wall and render and lead flashing, and for the life or me I just can't see where the rain can be getting in!!?? Just one or two tiny cracks here and there in the render. Don't understand. . Decided to go for 'the botch', so primed it all with a light unibond mix (which dried almost instantly in the blazing sun), applied just a small amount of unibond cement patching to a couple of small cracks, and eventually painted the chimney stack and the upper part of the parapet wall beneath the coping stones with three coats of masonary paint. Doesn't sound like much, but of course it meant climbing up and down over the roof a dozen times throughout the day to do it! Tiring. VERY hot and sunny! Even caught a bit of sunburn on my arms! Not worried about having only one chimney stack and just part of the parapet walls painted like that, and not the rest. All in good time. . . walked. On the way back from the field that same repulsive dark skinned girl and her friends were shouting out paedo at me again all down the road. :o( Sucked the life right out of me and turned what had been an 'ok' day into one of misery. . .sat around with what turned into a dangerously plummeting mood - made all the more so by being surrounded by people happily enjoying the hot weather, strolling in the sun, and out in their gardens with bar-b-qs and such - while I have to endure my life made hell! . . . TVd . . BB called . .fried up a big pan of chopped mushrooms, onion and ham rings and ate with four pieces of bread and butter after 10pm . . .TVd . . . ate bowls of co-co pops before bed at precisely midnight. s
2 - Woken by insistant Sally around 9am. . .walked . . . carried on tweaking and messing with my DVD 3 and did yet another test burn to have to sit through and check. . Mum called to touch base . .used some of the 'down' time during playing through the DVD, to do some laundry and sew the waist button which had fallen off, back on my combat trousers. . .ate corned beef, onion, tomato, lettuce and mayo sandwiches with two bags of crisps for lunch . . Sis1 popped in to return my jigsaw and broken circular saw. Re-checked the fuse was ok and then quickly removed part of the casing while she was here. Sure enough, it was exactly what I'd thought she'd done, from her description of trying to start the thing running while already IN the wood she was half way through cutting. The brushes and part of the rotor were just a molten mass of burned uselessness. She'd definitely burned it out. In theory it 'may' have been worth running around attempting to find out if it's possible to buy some replacement bushes for it somewhere, but I suspect that even if they are available, it quite probably wouldn't work even then - and if it did, not well for very long - and frankly, I'm not prepared to have to do/put up with that! I'm gonna have to just go and buy a new one, and Sis1 reluctantly unhappily agreed to pay for it. . . messed around some more with the camcorder and such before eventually pretty much calling it quits with my 'Clips' DVD 3. I'm still not fully happy with it, but it's getting rediculous how much time I've spent on it already! It really HAS reached the point, where I can pretty much count the number of 'on screen seconds', in hours of work!! Labelled up a finished disc and walked with Sally round to the post office and posted it to Mum. . . napped until woken by PS phoning around 6pm. . . walked. Still sunny and real warm. Proper summers day. . .burned a couple more copies of DVD 3 and briefly popped one up to LBs ("Here you go - something to look at when there is absolutely NOTHING else on TV!"). . . PS popped round for chats . . ran one or two of my 'funny bookend' video bits past him - and he didn't 'get them' either!! I thought they were SO obvious! The bumble bee one was supposed to be a kinda beekeeper outfit thingy. Oh well - I guess anyone seeing them will just think I've gone completely crazy then. :o/ . . . BB called . . . ate biscuits and corned beef sandwiches with two bags of crisps . . . TVd/PCd until bed around 1:30am. ss
1 - Up around 6am . . . walked . . . straight back onboard trying to sort out the latest videos . . .Sis1 called . . Sis1 popped in for biscuits and to borrow my jigsaw and circular saw. I really didn't want to let her, because there is much in the attic I still need to use the saw for, so I made it clear I wanted it back tomorrow (which'll force me to have a day off from the attic and allow me to finish off the DVD/Videos). . .more PCing on videos, and did the Bumble Bee silly bookend bit. Hope none of the neighbours saw me doing it! lolol . . got one of those cold sales type calls from my cable company, like they often do, asking if I'm happy with what I have and attempting to get me to upgrade and spend more money. I usually just fobb such people off, but the woman making this call was unusually helpful with all my silly questions, and I finally bit the bullet and said ok - upgrade me from my dial up to a 2MB broadband service. I've been oh SO tempted to do this for the longest time - because for the first twelve months, the broadband is the same price (actually 99p less) per month as my dial-up 'Surf Unlimited' charge! So - instead of pushing on and getting out of here, I've signed up or a twelve month broadband contract!!!! Fool! Oh well - should be installed some time next week. . . Sis1 called and let me know, from the description she gave, she's burned out my circular saw!! :o( . . . walked. Taunts of 'Informer' . . .Stopped for sausage and chips takeaway on the way home . . .PCd until to bed around 4am. s
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