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1 - Up after only a few hours sleep. Breakfast on the patio . . . PCd a little. . . started to get ready to work on the door but SH popped round for coffee and chats about maybe having a go at his website for him. Really funny to see him try and use my PC keyboard with half the letters missing!! . . . Got a little paint on part of the door and then ended up answering LBs call for assistance. Spent a good hour or two putting together a flat packed, pine 'A' frame garden table/bench set for her kitchen. Fiddley and wobbley and - well - frankly if they don't stop eating so much I don't see it lasting very long! Each to their own! . . . cleaned up and went for a kebab. . . TVd/PCd (5/10)p
2 - A little more sleep than of late. Sat in the sun in the garden. Amazing scent from the honeysuckle which is all starting to flower . . . PCd only to find that there are problems with the cable ISP again and I can't get on any sites or get any mail!!!! . . . did a tiny bit to the front door, had a sandwhich and immediately fell asleep ALL afternoon!!!!!!!! So much for my active energetic 'doing things' phase . . . got the bike out and went to Safeway at Fishponds for essentials - coffee! . . . PS popped in till early . . . PCd. Something wrong somewhere. SH said he'd sent me an e-mail but no sign of any at all. Wonder how many I've been sent and not received? . . . sat in the garden in the wonderful still of the night watching the odd shooting star till gone 3am. (5/10)ps
3 - Another too hot day. Sat around for ages feeling somehow 'unsettled' and not good. Eventually played with the front door a little and then went shopping on the bike for a change. . .spent ages scraping off the writing from one of the plastic containers that had the paint for the house in, so I could use it as a pot for plants, plain white. Crazy. . . TVd . . . got the bike out and rode to the Old Fox to catch up with ML who said he'd bring the extension lead he has managed to get for me. Unfortunately he'd forgotten it! Overfilled myself with a 40p pint of orange squash and soon returned home to sit in the garden for a bit. Too hot. Don't like being this hot - or this full of orange squash! . . . PCd briefly. (3/10)p
4 - Reasonable amount of sleep but still woke up feeling tired - and HOT!! Breakfast in the conservatory watching the pidgeons eat as thunder rolled around the sky and heavy bursts of rain fell. One pidgeon up on a TV aerial spreading it's feathers and trying to bathe in the rain - funny . . . started work on the front room light switch for the outside light. Usual terrible mess and dust throughout the house as I chased out a groove in the wall up through the ceiling where the existing two way living room light cable goes. Cut the power and fitted the existing cable to one of the new double switches. Rather confused with the way I had wired it all those years ago and couldn't quite figure out what went where. Put the power back on and ended up with the light on constantly! Oooops! Cut the power again fearing for the health of my ice cream in the freezer in the heat , and used the multitester to figure it out. Back on with the power real quick and everything ok. Amazingly couldn't find any lighting cable in my wire collection so walked up the road and bought a few metres for next to nothing. Eventually had it all sorted and cut the power and connected everything up. Cemented the cables back into the wall together with a new flush fitting switch box. Celebrated after dark by finding "I'm putting out the rubbish" excuses to put the light on. . . Lots of time sat in he garden being quiet and watching the pidgeons and frog - hardly watched any TV for ages - not enough hours in the day for the time I could spend sitting quietly out there right now . . . PCd before another hot night of tossing and turning! (4/10)p
5 - Sanded off the filler in the wall above the light switch and applied a little more. Spent a rediculous amount of time at last cleaning off the old garden chairs I had got from the guy down the road who was throwing them out. Eventually 'scraped' them down with a sharp knife and got them to a keepable/useable condition. Feeling pretty low despite the prozac????!!!!! . . . fell asleep after a mid afternoon sandwhich for four hours and would probably have slept longer if not for the phone call from M/D telling of their new fence instalation that was completed today despite it raining down there. Sounds nice and pretty indestructable. Shame they haven't a roof rack for the car or I would have had their old panels to replace some of mine . . . sanded off and applied more filler to the wall. Almost there now. . . sat in the garden for a while with the frog until a little rain began. Still very muggy. . . touched base with BB . . . not tired and PCd till early doing stuff. Still couldn't sleep and ended up staying up till sunrise and birdsong. (4/10)ps
6 - Woken after only about three hours sleep by the bin men collecting the rubbish. Celebrated by taking my bin straight back up the lane and filling it from the 'land-fill'!! Moved a huge old carpet and a frog leapt deeper into the pile for cover. Had to find it and move it or it would have been crushed by my efforts, so I went in pursuit. I didn't know frogs could scream!!!!!!!!! Felt awful having distressed it so much it made such a horrible soul wrenching cry!!!!! Got hold of it as gently but firmly as I dared and ran up the lane to put it safely in my garden. Still quite able to hop for cover so fingers crossed it'll be ok. Looked suspiciously like the same one I'd taken photos of. That horrible scream preyed on my mind for much of the day. Actually finally making a dent in the pile of rubbish by filling my bin and putting some in each of a couple of the neighbours bins as agreed. One neighbour came round to see what I was up to, for a chat and to see my pond which rather embarassed I proudly showed off. 'Conversation' descended onto awkward silence so I drew it to a close by carrying on filling her bin up! Found 2 x 2p peices but one was actually corroded and splitting?!! Didn't realise money could go like that. Threw it away - halved my profit! . . . spent more time cleaning garden chairs and then converting another paint pot into a plant pot. Robbed several loads of decent earth from the lane and relocated it to the pot and my garden. . . sanded down and applied more filler to the living room wall . . . had a nap but put the alarm on to make sure I'd wake within a couple of hours and so, still being tired, hopefully sleep tonight . . .sanded down and applied a bit of emulsion paint to the living room wall . . . LB popped in to show me the outfit she had worn to work for "Wrong Trousers Day". A homemade cat type outfit complete with tail - and what should really be an 'illegal' low cut top! Blimey! . . . went for fish and chips and put the left overs on the bird table . . . sat in the garden after the rain and as night fell spotted TWO frogs. Yayyyyyyy!! Excellent. One seemed happy hopping about as usual, the other a bit shell shocked but at least he'd found the pond. Phew . . . PCd. (5/10)p
7 - Woke not too early after more sleep than of late but feel drained and still SO tired - ALWAYS so tired!! . . . the garden looked like a bomb had hit it. Chips all over the place and a dusty impression on the glass of the conservatory door of breast and outstretched wings!! Something big had crashed into the glass!!!!!! No sign of any casualties so I guess it got away with it. . . put out some washing and sat around feeling like being asleep. . . PCd a little and added to my 'all my wordly goods' for sale page and another silly picture to a 'Tour of Terry Towers'. something weird going on with the PC and several freezes and crashes!!!! Uh oh . . . mood seems to be oscillating despite the prozac!!!!? . . . fell asleep in the conservatory for a couple of hours! . . . touched base with BB . . . couldn't sleep and PCd till early.(3/10)ps
8 - Decided to put the pile of old bricks in the front garden to use in the back garden. Dug a hole in a corner and put my compost bin in it and then placed the bricks around it in a low quarter circle bank type arrangement. Nothing permanent, just placed on the earth. Just as well - not sure it was a good idea. Maybe once some of the plants have grown over it? If not I can easily remove it all and put it back as it was. Stupid pressing of the earth with my hands resulted in a piece of glass going into my hand. Small hole but blood all over the place - again! . . . didn't eat till late afternoon and then immediately fell asleep but the alarm ensured for not too long . . . TVd/PCd.(4/10)p
9 - Miserable drizzley weather. PCd and started messing around with the birds and stolen sounds! MUST be nearly out of webspace by now?!! . . . slept after food . . . PS popped round for chats in front the TV till early. Decided to start taking the prozac in the mornings rather than at night to see what the difference may be, since of late my mood seems to be 'slipping' and all I want to do is sleep. (4/10)s
10 - Looks like the nasty weather is in for quite a time. At least it is cooler. . . prozac for breakfast. . . idled away the morning surfing gently looking for more bird stuff. Tried again to have a look at the website of someone who had signed my guestbook but every time I go there my monitor is trigured to go into standby and I have to crash the machine!!!?? . . . Ate and fell asleep of course!! . . .ML popped in briefly to drop off the multi core cable he'd managed to get for my extension lead experiments . . . spent a rediculous amount of time defrosting apple and blackberry I have had in the freezer for years and dumped it all in my compost bin! . . . sat in the garden in the gale! . . . LB phoned and demanded I go up and make approving noises at all the bargains she had got in Ikea. They were bargains too!!! May have to go have a look myself - although what do I need? New lives on special offer?. . . PCd till early. (4/10)p
11 - Blowing an absolute gale!! . . . Sis1 called wanting help with her PC so I suggested she come and pick me up. All sorted pretty easy - just hadn't used her ISP account for so long they had deactivated it. Had to sit around and try and make conversation with the guy who was putting in her new kitchen window as she went for a doctors appointment about another worrying lump. More tests needed but the nurse apparantly did a good job and made light of it putting Sis1 mind more at ease for the moment. Went with Sis1 to look at the Ikea bargains. I resisted apart from a couple of pounds for a cheap shower curtain - but Sis1 succumbed to her compulsive buying 'illness' and ended up doing a small buying spree!! Couldn't resist a couple of large hot dogs for only 65p each!!? How come SO cheap? May have to go there again just for a cheap quick bite. . . dropped back home with a nasty headache and after a tablet immediately fell asleep for a few hours . . . woke and realised I hadn't put much bird food out today. The hungry pigeons had obviously shown their disapproval by using my conservatory roof as a toilet!! Ewwwww!!!! Put food out and watched as mayhem ensued as hungry pigeons flocked and sorted out their pecking order. Then TWO magpies joined in and noisily temporarily took over the birdtable!!! If I believed in 'hocus pocus' I guess that is a sign of good luck? Not so good for the hungry pigeons . . . TVd/PCd and added a Magpie page to my site. MUST get out and shop tomorrow - low on bird food!(4/10)p
12 - Slept later than of late . . . woke in a rain storm. BIG rain - lots! Front garden seems to be a lake despite having diverted the down pipe! . . . and then it was sunny!? Got the bike out and went in search of chopped maize for the birds. Eventually found some in the pet supplies place in Longwell Green next to Wickes. Even do 25kg sacks of the stuff!! maybe next time - bought a small bag that would fit in the bike panniers for a couple of pounds. Shopped and spent rather too much on very little? Oops. . . touched base with CW . . . fell asleep . . . PS popped round for chats till early. Poor guy - made him sit quietly in the conservatory all evening watching the garden. Actually saw the frog out hunting and even saw it leap up onto the low wall I made around the compost bin. Excellent. Great fun and excitement - I think even PS was kinda interested. . . PCd . . . couldn't sleep and tossed and turned til gone 4 a.m. Anxious about overfilled rubbish bins maybe?(4/10)ps
13 - Friday the thirteenth! Woke to the sound of the bin men. Everything cleared from everyones bins ok thank goodness. Breakfast with the pigeons and waited till things had quietened down and then went straight back out up the lane and filled them all up again. One of the neighbours saw me at it and announced she was going to the tip so I dumped some stuff in the back of her car in exchange for sawing a door of hers in half so she could get it in the car. Couldn't resist keeping the brass effect handle and double lever lock and even got the key from her. May come in usefull. Robbed a few more buckets of GOOD earth from the lane and added it to the garden. Found another 2 pence piece! Crazy. . . did some washing and sat in the garden in the sun - um - watching it dry?!! . . .phoned the cable company complaining about a freezing digital picture. Said they would send someone out tomorrow PM . . . fell asleep on the conservatory floor for an hour or two!!! . . . rode to the library to research a little more seriously on some of the birds to make sure my web pages are accurate. . . PCd . . . went for a kebab . . .finally got round to experimenting with the cable for the webcam. Lo and behold they were all right. It didn't work with such a long cable! Shame. . . PCd and ended up feeling real low!!? Usual 'comparisons' stuff I guess? (3/10)p
14 - Woke with a headache, feeling down and real avoidant/schizoid!!!! . . . PS called and asked me to 'house sit' for an hour because he had the builders in putting up his new fence and was expecting a wardrobe door delivery and he had to go and withdraw money to pay them. Rode over and obliged, had a play with his dogs and sat around reading yesterdays paper for a while. Back home popped yet another annadin tablet and was just trying to sleep when the Telewest cable guy arrived to check out the fault I'd reported. He soon enough confirmed it was 'the area' and that he would have to call out a 'network team' and I'd have to put up with it till they fixed it!!!! Good job I still have an aerial on the roof! . . .slept for hours but woke feeling somewhat better and without so much of a headache . . . TVd/PCd . . . couldn't sleep until well past 4am and then had disturbed sleep of dreams! (3/10)ps
15 - Woke up far too early. Sat in the sun . . .TVd . . . fell asleep . . . TVd although the cable service has now been completely down for two days! . . . PCd till early. (4/10)ps
16 - Very hot and sunny morning. Sat in the garden for a while wondering if I have develeoped a tolerance for the Prozac! So much for my 'doing stuff' phase! Can hardly summon the energy to stay awake let alone 'do things'!! . . . took the bike and shopped and dropped in a film for developing but yet again 'just' missed the submission time so it'll take two days not one! Grrrr! Stopped in at the post office and gently complained about all our mail going in the wrong houses. Not much of a response other than to say they had a high staff turn over. Some excuse! How hard can it be to read a house number! Not very and I should know - I used to do it! . . . unexpected call from a cable TV guy. All fixed - for the time being? . . . napped until the alarm woke me . . . PS popped round for chats till early . . . PCd. Got an e-mail from the acquisitions editor, psychology Greenwood Publishing Group Inc. asking me to remove the 'Distancing' book from my site!!!! Did so immediately although suspect that I may not have 'had' to. International law? Seems a shame that SO many people make SO much money from people who are 'ill'. I have a dream! . . . couldn't sleep till nearly dawn. Back to night time taking of the prozac. (4/10)ps
17 - Rainy day. Couldn't get a handle on it at all. Slept almost the whole day long!!!? Not so good . . .TVd/PCd till early. (3/10)p
18 - Slow to wake up. Seems no limit to the amount of sleep I need/want! Felt rather better than yesterday . . . Neighbour up the road has the workmen in and a skip outside. . . A break in the rain so shopped and picked up the latest develeoped photos. Couldn't resist buying ALL the special offer cumberland sausages!! Only 39p each!! Bought eight packs for the freezer!Yumee! . . . PCd and put a couple on appropriate pages on the site.(Sky / magpie / Flying ant day and yet more pigeons ) MUST NOT take any more photos of wood pigeons no matter how cute and funny they look!! . . . couldn't resist and asked the workmen if I could have some of the decent top soil that was going on the skip to top up my garden. One said my name!!!? Turned out to be the son of BH (BH I've hardly seen for years - ever since I reminded him he owed me money for a stereo I let him have that I said he could pay for when he had the money. It was a pitance but I never got it. I guess that was the value of my friendship!!!! All came to mind in a flash as I tried to be polite to his son.) Good greif he's bigger than me, I'm getting old!!!! Topped up the garden with as much as I could. Excellent rich soil. Then I spotted the old paving slabs they were also throwing out. Just couldn't resist. If I can cut them up into small brick like pieces with my angle grinder I could use them to build the walls for my planned 'raised beds' at the bottom of the garden - which is why I wanted as much soil as I could store. Ended up with a front garden full of old slabs!!! If I don't use them I guess the lane will end up being paved over nicely. Either that or I'll spend the rest of my life sneaking them out week by week, bit by bit in the bin!! . . . fell asleep . . . woke early evening to find the neighbours skip absolutely full. Shame - so wanted to clear some more of the lane debris. . . sat around watching pigeons eat in the rain as I tried to imagine different raised flower bed structures! Need to go out tomorrow and buy some cheap masonary cutting disks for the grinder and try cutting a slab to see if I've bitten off more than I can chew. . . TVd . . . PCd and got a VERY unexpected e-mail from DC at Greenwood. They are reprinting 'Distancing' and are considering doing a cheaper paper back version. Excellent - although I wonder if there is really the market to justify it? I feel like a 'minority' - and certainly don't get too many hits on the site. Very niche market. Most amazing of all she said "the book's author, Dr. Kantor, has offered to write a summary of the ideas in the book, for use on your website." Bloody hell!!!!! Dunno what to make of that. Is he serious? Of course me being me I look for the negatives and explore every negative possibility! Is my 'answer to no one', 'I'm not asking for anything' site going to become an advert and will I be obligated to behave in a certain way and watch what I say? On balance - I guess I AM advertising AvPD as much as I can 'for the common good' so I can't let my personal angst, paranoia or weird altruistic principles prevent a furtherence of that end. AND - is my fragile site with all it's self absorbed negativity worthy of such an addition?!!!!! Worry worry worry . . . difficulty sleeping - tossed and turned till early. Crazy dude! (4/10)p
19 - Woke earlyish still wondering how to reply to DCs e-mail without expressing my concerns and seeming to be a foolish ungrateful git! Avoided the subject by looking out the window and surveying the builders skip up the road. Had to be some room in there? Had a closer look and decided if I removed some of the slabs and the top soil there WAS room. Set to and managed to clear most of the big heavy stuff from the lane. Found a penny, a fishing umbrella and fishing rod rest!? The umbrella is a little damaged but probably still usuable by someone! Dunno whether to keep it or throw it away. Saved some earth worms and a toad and relocated them to my garden. Caught in the act of loading up the skip by the builder turning up!!Damn - thought they were finished!!!! Real embarassed and did my best nice guy act but it was all ok and he was quite happy for me to carry on loading it up! Probably helped by me rubbing his nose in the fact that if I hadn't had all the soil and slabs they would never have got it all in the skip. Fair is fair. He even offered to let me have some more topsoil in the future if I wanted it for nothing since they only get rid of it! Gave me his card and said they could drop some off - I only had to ring and ask. Nice guy. Had a quick stroke of his dog. Nice dog. Eventually hot, sweating and filthy gave up, not wanting to pile it too high and cause embarassment to the builder. Watched with great delight as the skip was taken away. Definitely made a dent in the lane 'landfill'. . . got the bike out and went and bought a few cheap masonary cutting disks. Experimented with cutting one of the slabs but very quickly came to the conclusion that I wasn't being realistic. Very much easier to set to and break into usable peices with the lump hammer. Overcome with the need for sleep so shelved the stone mason act. Nice dog but too much barking! Eventually fell asleep for a couple of hours after closing the window . . . PCd and replied to DC basically just saying 'yes please' I think. Nervous!!? . . .TVd . . . Millionaire novelist Lord Archer was jailed for four years after being found guilty of perjury and perverting the course of justice today. Hoooray! Should have got longer. Nasty nasty man thinking he can do what he wants by buying people . . .PCd till early then couldn't sleep and tossed and turned for ages. (4/10)p
20 - Beautiful sunny morning. Woken by the poor bin men wrestling with HEAVY bins! All cleared ok. . . sat in the sun with breakfast of coffee, cigarettes and anadin tablet. Very strange 'creaky' noise from somewhere near the pond. Must be the frog - yayyy . . . eventually roused myself and tackled more of the lane landfill and put a bit in each of the neighbours bins that I have asked, and filled my own right up. Definitely making an impact now. In the middle of sweating terribly and sawing up an old door into bin size pieces, the woman who had the builders in suddenly appeared up the lane. She seems to have been infected by my strange compulsion and asked how I was getting on and if she could take anything because she was going to the council tip again in her car. Excellent - managed to squeeze three car wheels complete with tyres into her car. I figure a couple more weeks and at least that part of the lane will be almost completely clear. Strangely satisfying . . . touched base with CW by phone. She HAD replied to an e-mail of mine but I never got it!! Wonder how many go missing like that!!! . . . couldn't shake my headache despite more tablets and tried to sleep it off for a couple of hours, since it started to look like rain and I couldn't face starting the raised beds work in the garden . . . woke still with the headache!! Seems to be something to do with my shoulders which are actually tender to the touch?!! Guess I overdid the carrying of topsoil, paving slabs and rubble from the lane these last couple of days . . . sat around watching the birds between showers. Extraordinary to see a wood pigeon regurgitate what looked like a stone!! Then hilarious mayhem as a 'flock' of SEVEN wood pigeons fought over the bird table interspersed with a bit of courting display and some falling in the pond!! Sorry neighbours but this is FUN. . . LB rang to remind me she was going away and that I said I'd feed the cats starting tomorrow. Bit worried about feeding her polecat! Very sharp and prone to escape!! . . . touched base with BB . . . touched the guitar! . . . PCd till rediculously early. (4/10)p
21 - Up around 8am with a headache again after only about 4hrs sleep! Fed LBs cats after cleaning everything including the floor!!! Bet it hasn't been done since last time I fed them. Fed the polecat without too much trouble but oh how sad. Cooped up in a filthy draughty box with nothing to do but try to get out. That is no way to live - god knows I should know!! . . . finally went to the post office to post a couple of papers and stuff to BB. HOW MUCH!!!!!!!! Bloody hell - good job I have food in the fridge! . . . started work on the raised flower bed project. Stopped briefly for a coffee break and watched as the garden and the wood pigeons were mobbed by a flock of screeching starlings. Loads of them!!! Ate everything in sight including some of the peanuts, hanging on the feeders like blue tits, even the young who obviously learn quickly. Fascinating. Soon realised I have enough concrete slabs to put a raised bed around half of Bristol!!!!!!!! Uh oh - gonna have a problem getting rid of the excess. Also very quickly apparant I haven't enough soil to do what I want. Rained and rained and the garden turned into a bomb site! Gave up when I ran out of soil and was soaking wet and covered in mud. Reasonably happy with how it looks - as long as it doesn't collapse. Need more soil! Lots! . . .cleaned up and went and fed the cats. Couldn't resist letting the poor polecat out to run around for a little while. Strange creature - SO happy to be out for a minute but SO nerve wracking chasing around behind him to make sure he didn't disappear. Nerves soon got the better of me and I returned him to his disgusting prison. Heartbreaking. . . Why oh why hasn't LB called a plumber in to replace the toilet valve? That overflow has been pouring water out for about a year or more now!! Almost makes me think water meters ARE a good idea!! . . . finally fed myself/TVd and briefly PCd but SO so tired and aching all over. Early to bed. (4/10)p
22 - Fed the cats and let the polecat out to run around for a bit. Stir-crazy chap. So sad. Couldn't resist trimming a little of LBs hedge so it is possible to walk through the front gate without pushing through a jungle! . . . returned to my garden to see a flock of starlings and a whole family of blue tits having a go at the peanuts. Seems like the word is getting out. Good. . . sat about for a bit but couldn't resist having a go at the raised bed on the other side of the garden. Extricated the buried compost bin with some difficulty and stacked all the old bricks against the wall in the lane. Compost bin seems to have been taken over by ants - full of eggs!!! Robbed some soil from the lane and found two one pound coins in the earth both dated 1983. Spent hours piecing together the wall like a big awkward jigsaw puzzle and amazingly found I 'almost' have enough soil. Hard hot work in the sun. An embarrassing admission but so hot and sweaty running around and digging and stuff that I developed chaffing sores where no guy wants them!! Owww!! Eventually finished for the day and cleaned up and celebrated by treating myself to a kebab. Walked up the road like John Wayne after a fifty-mile horse ride!! . . . LB called to confirm she was home and had had a great time away being drunk! Home from home then! . . . sat in the garden loads feeling GOOD (and guilty because of it?!!!) and dreaming up crazy ideas of what to do with the rest of the concrete slabs. Birdbath? Frog/toad house? Stepping-stones? Stonehenge? . . . PCd briefly before more garden sitting then bed. E-mail from DC confirming receipt of my last. Phew - had convinced myself I had made a fool of myself and she wasn't going to reply! (5/10)ps
23 - Cloudless sunny morning. Rang up the builder and asked if the four bags of soil left outside the house up the road were up for grabs. They were so I had them. Robbed some more out of the lane. I have enough. Decided to add a little to the raised beds just to finish them off nicer and included three toad houses. Little 'caves' at ground level on each side of the garden. Took me ages with the angle grinder cutting pieces especially to fit. Only have three full slabs left - but huge amounts of 'spoil' and rubble to get rid off. Tidied up and hosed everything down making rainbows in the sun. Cleaned up and washed loads of clothes. Sat around in the garden admiring my work and willing all the plants to grow over everything - now! Felt very 'happy'. All worked out nicely. Tortured the neighbours by making guitar sounds in the garden. Decided to get the bike out and go to Tog Hill to watch the sunset but as soon as I decided cloud rolled in and covered the sky so I didn't bother. Typical. . . D/SH popped in for chats for a few hours . . . PCd briefly and got a mail from DC with the overview of Distancing by Dr Martin Kantor!!!! Excellent. Need to figure out how to say thank you enough and the best way to include it on my site! . . . more garden sitting before bed. At least one frog seems to have survived the 'building site' disruption.(5+/10)ps
24 - Sat in the garden of course. Resisted doing anything more except for picking a few stones out of the soil . . .Received feedback from the website which included "as someone with avp, I really find your website helpful...I appreciate your posting the information about treatment and research, especially. Thank you for sharing through your website. You helped me understand myself better."
That sort of feedback is why I have done my website. That makes it worth all the effort.
Shopped for food and a birthday card for mum. Checked out the charity shops and ended up buying LOADS of books all for less than the original price of any one of them. Amongst them a couple of EXCELLENT reference/identification books on British birds and nature. So THAT is what the creepy crawlie was I had in my garden! Walking home I was confronted by a bag of frozen peas on the pavement??!! Some shopper must have dropped them but there was no one near and since they were still frozen and the bag was unbroken I picked them up and kept them. Idly wondered if they may have been poisoned and left as a trap by some terrorist anti-shop earth conservation group - "Green Peas"? ha ha . . . got a phone call from the MOD. They hadn't bothered to inform me that the job I had been sent details about had been done away with!! Redundant before employment? Saves the usual hassle I guess!! They did however say there is now a similar opening and "they want to get me on board as soon as possible"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I joked I was busy tomorrow. They said they would aim for me to start in two weeks!!! Jeeze!!!!!! Scary!!!!!! Do they mean it this time? Said they will write to me with details - again! Worry, worry, worry lots!! . . . escaped the worrying by falling asleep for a couple of hours. . . ate sausages, chips and PEAS!!!! . . . TVd . . . PCd and added the
overview of DISTANCING By Dr Martin Kantor as best I could. (5/10)p
25 - Sat around in the sun until M/D arrived. Seemed genuinely impressed with the garden and thankfully offloaded a choice of trays for a bird bath, another bird hut, several tubs of different plants from their garden and a couple of beautiful light green Cupressus macrocarpa Wilma. Lovely small golden yellow fir trees. Planted some straight away and left the others in tubs on the earth for tomorrow. Sis1 joined us with her six year old grand son O. Drove to the Golden Lion at Frampton Cotterell for a meal. O was pleasantly well behaved and quite entertaining and we all had a pleasant Mums Birthday meal. Back to Sis1 to sit around and chat and admire her garden for several hours. Full of food and so, SO tired but had some fun with O topping up ponds, spraying each other with hose pipes, and trying to make an ornamental fountain pump work properly leaning precariously over the pond. Dad seems to be getting more and more impatient and 'short tempered' as the years pass by. Can't help but wonder if there is some slow advanceing underlying medical condition. Extraordinary to observe him interacting with six year old O and with self analysis imagine the long term effects of such interaction. He means well and was motivated by care - but it seemed so obvious that the way his comments were delivered were liable to induce a state of fear of the world in O. Maybe I've read too many/too few psych. books? Dads (and mine!!! since I AM his son!!!) 'constructive criticism' of some of Sis1s things and stuff and ways clearly got to her a bit and there was 'some' tension!! Felt as though I spent too much time subtly exerting 'lets all stay cool' pressure here and there. O is SO relaxed and tactile with Sis1. A joy to see. Eventually time to be dropped back home by M/D. Felt awkward as I made an outsretched armed joke of hugging O goodbye, was happily hugged back in return but M/D didn't seem to be able to manage it. Dropped back home, final 'happy birthdays' and 'thanks for everything' and hugs goodbye to M/D. Watered the garden and sat quietly for an hour with a couple of frogs. Felt drained and exhausted and really in need of being alone to re-charge whatever I am drained of in company. . . PCd briefly (some intriguing feedback from the site with a link to follow up when I have more time). With no memory of my own it was interesting to briefly look at my journal entry for this time last year!!! 'Early' to bed after phoning to confirm M/D had arrived home safely. (5/10)p
26 - Slept a full eight hours!! Another hot sunny day. Sat in the garden trying to imagine different bird bath constructions. School seems to have broken up for the summer and the air is filled with the sound of screaming kids, and screaming mother of screaming kids!! Grrrr.It's enough to make you scream. . Eventually decided to make a bird bath/feeding table construction along the same lines as the raised beds in the hope I can do away with the existing bird table which would make putting out the washing line less of a guilt trip. So, SO hot in the sun. Didn't finish until gone 6pm and hadn't eaten anything all day except anadin tablets!!! Very fiddly with several toad holes. Think I've caught the sun - headache and sore on my back. Physical wreck!! . . . someone who's name I've forgotten rang me from the MOD in the middle of the mud works, asking about the 'gap' in my post office career! Don't they read their own records?!!! Explained I'd gone crazy and sick for ages before redundancy. Strangely ended up talking about having discovered my garden and raised flowerbeds and what I was doing!!! Bet she was a manager and 'sussing me out' - seeing if I was fit for the purpose by getting me talking!! Bet nothing comes of it, AGAIN!!!! . . .PS rang asking me if I could use some small concrete garden slabs he was getting rid of. Said yes thinking they may make good stepping-stones around the garden. Went for sausage and chips from the chip shop. Watched as a brave pigeon found the new construction and had a drink and some feed although very nervously. . . PS popped round with the slabs and stayed for chats till early. Forced him to sit in the garden all evening. I just can't get enough of sitting out there! Love it. Watered the garden to encourage the frogs to go hunting and eventually watched as one hopped around the garden. And then . .YESSSSSSSSSSS! A frog has set up home in one of the little caves I've made in the raised beds. SO pleased - ridiculous but SO happy all that effort making them wasn't in vain. Watched in awe as an earth worm emerged from it's burrow leaving it's tail below ground and turned really thin as it stretched and groped around - looking for food? Got PS to pass me a brown fallen leaf from the honeysuckle, dunked it in a puddle to make it moist and popped it next to the worm. Eventually - YES!!!! It grabbed the leaf and recoiled back into its burrow dragging the leaf back down with it!!!! Never seen that before - not even on the Discovery channel!!! Fascinating - to me. Not sure poor old PS was so excited. . . PCd briefly and then continued sitting in the garden in the still of the night for ages. Saw another frog in the other frog house!! YIPPEEE . . . phoned Sis2 to touch base - and cause I needed to tell someone about the frogs taking up residence in their new houses!! Eventually to bed after 3am. (5/10)ps
27 - Woken after a few hours by the bin men. Another scorching hot sunny day. Breakfasted and then spent all morning putting lane rubbish in various neighbours bins as agreed. Ended up chatting for ages to the father of one of the neighbours I've never met, who was doing jobs around her house for her. Seemed relaxed and friendly. Ended up talking about the house and showed him what I'd done with my bathroom and conservatory. As we chatted in the garden a strange 'croak croak croak' 'boomed' out quietly from one of the frog houses. Hard to contain my excitement I drew his attention to it! Must think I'm crazy!! He may well be right! . . .sat around feeling tired and hot. . . fell asleep late afternoon for about four hours!! Woke up just in time to get the bike out and ride up to the picnic area on Tog Hill to watch the sunset. Just enough clouds to make it spectacular. Filled up with petrol on the way home - maybe I'll go see the sunrise too? Half an hour after getting home the nasty noisey neighbour from opposite has parked in front of my gate blocking me in!!!!? Half the street is on holiday, there is loads of room, their own two car driveway is empty - yet they park in front of my gate? Really annoying. Selfish self centred b******s! So much for going out to see the sunrise!!! Grrrrr . . .festered on their selfishness and ended up politely asking them to move it before midnight. They said not a word - but moved it onto their driveway. . . PCd and received an e-mail at the website address from no-one I know in India(??!!!) containing am attachment!!!!!!!! Didn't like the look of it. As BB suggested I forwarded it to my Hotmail account since they scan all attachments for viruses. It WAS a virus with no known cure!!! Bastards!!! Hopefully avoided infection. Not a good end to the day. . . made my mind up I would go see the sunrise and after a sandwhich, sat around in the garden waiting for time to pass watching shooting stars and satelites/aircraft/UFOs? Saw a huge spider run across half way up the garden wall. One of the frogs saw it too and threw himself up the wall at it. He missed and gave a short chase but the spider was too quick. Amazing. (5/10)p
28 - Made myself a thermos of coffee, grabbed my cameras and mobile and set off on the bike at 3am for the stone circle at Avebury. Wonderful ride strangely alternating warm and cold. Saw a fox. Hardly another vehicle on the road. Plunging through waves of light mist hanging in the air. Totally clear sky full of stars. Arrived at the stones by 4am as the sky was beginning to lighten. Stumbled up onto the earth bank in the dark and faced the dawn. Beautiful. Touched base with BB on the mobile. Cut short by running out of pay as you go credit! Sat quietly like a stone and smoked cigarettes, drank coffee and took photos. Used up the roll of film in the SLR and put in another by torchlight. The compact camera started playing up and wouldn't wind the film!!!! Wandered around taking photos all over the place until the sun was in the sky and things began to warm up as the dew turned to mist. Eventually left at around 7:15am and set off home. Took a wrong road and got not quite lost. Eventually back on the A420 and stopped off at Tog Hill to use up the last of the film in the SLR. Uh oh!!! That can't be right? Something wrong with THIS film now!!!! Back home about 8:30am and discovered the film wasn't winding. Had to open up the camera and pull it all out. All those photos - LOST!!!!!!!!!!!! Some of those would have been REALLY good too!! Typical. Really annoyed/disappointed. Almost fell asleep in a garden chair so decided to go to bed for a while. Woke around midday and decided to get the one film I did have, developed to see if anything of my artistic endeavours had been saved. Got the bike back out and went up Kingswood and paid the extra to have a one hour developing. Shopped. Dropped the shopping back home to find someone had parked across my gate!! Bloody mindedly parked up behind the car real close. Watched as a woman got in and reversed up until she nudged the bike before driving off!!! Grrrrrrr. Went back out on the undamaged bike and returned my library books and picked up the photos. One or two succesfull shots at least to remember the day. Thank goodness . . . PCd but SO SO horribly hot. Thermometer says 90 degrees in the shade in the garden!!!!!!!! I need more sleep and a new pair of eyes - full of debris!!! . . . fell asleep and woke just before 11pm!! PCd very briefly, sat in the garden cooling off but very soon went back to bed. (4/10)p
29 - LB phoned sometime after 3am obviously drunk. Let the ansaphone take it and managed to get back to sleep straight away . . . Woke around 6:30am. Sat in the garden with a coffee but the first cigarette of the day went straight to my head and demanded I go back to bed!? . . . Woke again after 9am. Feel as though I have had enough sleep now. Sat in the heat of the garden - feels hotter than yesterday!! Drinking lots of coffee and water. Looks like my new chordless ansaphone has broken!! Already?!!! Damn. . .too hot to do anything. 94 degrees in the shade in the conservatory at one point!!! Sat around feeling hot. SH popped in for a brief coffee . . . TVd . . . PCd but interrupted around midnight by LB calling in with a couple of small quiches!? Seemed to have been 'comfort cooking' cause her guy had cancelled their date! Chatted and sat in the garden for a while. Why is she SO loud!!! She wants me to turn her garden into 'an oasis' too!!! I don't think so - more work than I could manage I'm afraid. . . PCd briefly before more sitting in the cool of the garden. I think I may have more frogs than I realise - sure I haven't seen those two small ones before! (5/10)ps
30 - Up around 7:30am. Sis1 called to say she was going to the Gower with O to enjoy some of the weather if I wanted to go too. Declined. Can't face all that travelling in this heat. Swapped the bird boxes over and fixed the most appropriate one to the fascia above the patio . . . spent ages cutting up with the angle grinder an old piece of wall cap stone left over from the patio project. Cut it up into small brickettes and replaced the piece of wood 'frog step' at the bottom of the garden under the gate with a permanent cemented stone affair with earth like a miniature raised bed. Cut a couple of PS miniature paving blocks and placed them around the pond as stepping stones so I can tend to stuff without trampling all the ground cover plants. . . ate and fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . woken by Sis1 phoning asking if I'd like to come to a barbeque. Thanked her but declined. Feel in the need for aloneness. . . brilliant sunset . . . ate LBs 'cat fur quiches'! . . . sat in the garden ALL evening watching frogs - and then, ended up spending about two hours feeding leaves and fallen flowers from the honeysuckle to the worms!! Absolutely fascinating. Happiness is a fat worm? What on earth is this prozac doing to me?!!! . . . PCd till early. Amusing to get an e-mail from BB warning me about a nasty 'worm' virus due to hit . . .couldn't resist sitting in the garden AGAIN until even earlier!! (4/10)p
31 - Up around 8am after not enough sleep. Sat around for a bit feeling a bit down and ended up going back to sleep for a couple of hours. Woken by LB phoning? Called her back and found out she has managed to get some cheap Golden Virginia tobacco. Half priceish? YES please!! . . .reports on the national news about the impending internet worm attack!! PCd and ended up surfing onto a site with eye witness accounts of holocaust stuff!!!!? Why on earth 'must' I read this stuff?!!! Got upset!!. . . paid bills and balanced my accounts. Finally got around to looking at my income tax refund forms. Rang them up all confused and informed all I had to do was get all the details to fill in from my bank. Rang the bank and they said they'd send it to me no hassle. That easy? Been putting that off for months! . . . Sat around for ages not really feeling 'present'. Had a go at trying to rejuvinate the rotting garden gate but made a hash of it with nothing going right and gave up real quick and put it back up as it was or worse! . . . TVd, sat in the garden, ate late and went to bed real early.(3/10)p