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August
1 - Woke up before the alarms again . . . did the MS Word 'test' at Soundwell, 'ok' I think . . . started learning MS Excel but oh so basic it was painfull and difficult!!! How to unlearn years of real world best practice just because that is what the test instructions demand? . . . e-mail correspondence and the course combining to make me feel very lost, directionless and hopelessy worthless . . . several periods of feeling 'tearfull' but I can't seem to do it any more - haven't for a long time now!!! . . . fighting the oh so strong desire to just be gone . . . it occured to me I AM my website - of passing interest but rather pointless and of no real value! Mailed anonymous birthday gift to C!!!!! (3/10)
2 - Even earlier today!!! . . . woke at 6am . . . I had passed the MS Word test ok . . . 'teacher' allowed me to do the MS Excel test early and then an extra 'chart' module before lunch. After lunch she said I had passed them both and gave me the option of doing my own thing as the 'learners' did the test or having a half day. . . a bit embarrassed but 'ego stroked' (pathetic!) I went home and fell asleep on the settee for an hour . . . woken up by SH asking me to e-mail stuff to him . . . surfed for hours feeling 'better-ish'. . .TVd/PCd . . . SH dropped VB CDs in to borrow . . . phoned LL and chatted !!!!!! . . . all nervous and chain smoking?? (4/10)
3 - Couldn't sleep and ended up watching TV till 2am . . . up again at 6:30!! . . . 'teacher' understood that I knew a little about things and let me have a go at the MS Access test before lunch rather than tomorrow . . . it seemed ok and she said ok, you may as well go now . . . so I did . . . swiftly. So much for a CLAIT. SOOooooo basic I can't think anyone will be impressed by THAT on a CV . . .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! C PHONED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . . . we 'chatted' as thunder and lightening seemingly symbolically raged outside!!! . . . fell asleep . . . woke and read the unatainable jobs ads in the paper . . . treated myself to fish and chips . . . TVd. (5/10)
4 - Took the bus to the Mall to visit PC World to try and get toner for the printer . . . torturous convoluted route took over an hour!!!! They were all out of stock and were unable to tell me if and when they were getting more in . . . a PC company without PC stock control? . . . useless as always! Got off the bus in town and tried everywhere but no one had any toner for my printer make and model . . . began to worry this was why it was cheap to buy . . . useless without ink!!!! Eventually got the bus back home with most of the day gone. SH popped in briefly and told of someone selling 3 laptops cheap . . . I resisted temptation . . .but then . . . Sis1 popped in and said she would still like a laptop so I rang SH and said I was interested, despite great concern over my recent 'more than my income' spending!!!! . . . PS dropped by later for chats. (5/10)
5 - Up early and went to the Building Society to withdraw money . . . walked to S's house hot in the blazing sun . . . the laptop deal fell through, they were already gone . . . spent hours playing with a data access problem in his VB6 program which I couldn't get to work at all . . . walked home and spent several more hours trying to understand VB6 but couldn't make head nor tail of a bit of the new data access way of doing things!!!!! . . . TVd and exhausted went to bed 'early' around eleven . . . woken up around midnight by two phone calls but too asleep to get up so I let the ansaphone deal with them and went back to sleep. (6/10)
6 - Up before seven and listened to the ansaphone message from SH which sounded urgent! Oh well . . . !! The other call at 11.44pm was number withheld and they just hung up! Called SH later and he told me unsettling tales of LB being horribly drunk and her inappropriate behaviour last night . . . I presume it was her who rang me and hung up! All very disturbing and pathetically sad . . . LB uncharacteristically but perhaps unsurprisingly, not in contact today. A quiet, pleasant and rather hot day . . . SH popped in . . . PCd, TVd, PCd, guitared in the garden, PCd . . . ML popped in . . . PCd some more . . . bed by 2am. !!! (5/10)
7 - Woken up before 7:30 by LB on the phone asking if I'd seen it ? . . . a flashy souped up Escort car parked outside my house had been vandalised . . . pieces torn off, all tyres slashed, covered in gloss white paint, sugar in the petrol tank . . . it must be a write off!!!!! . . . I called the police . . . footprints of paint lead only to the corner up the road . . . the owner, a visitor a few doors down the road, thought it may have been done by a girl that he had just finished with because few people knew he was here and whoever did it had obviously targeted HIS car specifically . . . . someone had woken them at 6am by knocking on their door . . . I was asleep with the windows closed and didn't hear a thing -damn!!! . . . the paint tin, brush and a plastic funnel for the sugar were all left behind - the Police took them for possible finger-prints . . . he had only just had a respray done and only has TPFT insurance . . . I feel SO sorry for him!!!!!!! Painted on the side of the car were the words 'SHIT HAPPENS' . . . very true . . . one 'boy racer' has learned this day perhaps about values and how important in life, 'just' his car is! I'm living in a bloody ghetto full of horrible people!!! Next door neighbour confirmed her young son had been woken by noise around 5:30 and had seen two girls doing the damage!!! Not too young to call the police???? Police took a statement from him . . . Ordered by phone and credit card a couple of 'compatible' elusive black printer cartridges from a company I'd found on the web that had some. Walked up to 'M.R. Computers' and got a CAT5 twisted pair network cable made up for 20 . . . walking home I got talking to an elderly woman who lives nearby who asked what happened to the car . . . all of a sudden she is telling me her life story . . . how she was jilted by the man she loved forty or fifty years ago . . . how she STILL carries the pain with her now, how she always wanted kids but never loved anyone else . . . her voice began to falter with the emotion as she told me . . . a lifetime of such heart rending sadness! I understood. . . Helped the neighbours friend rub off some of the paint on his car with a rag and some of my paraffin for a while. Sis1 picked me up and I went to set up her new phones . . . ate pizza in her garden with my neice and her son . . . all very pleasant. Dropped back home and played with the network cable trying to connect the laptop to the PC . . . tried everything but no go!!!!? SH popped in and familiar with networks re set up my machines . . . still no go . . . went back to SH house and we tested the laptop network card on his PC . . . all ok . . . back at home I examined the CAT5 cable and concluded the shop had made it up with the wrong connections!!!!! Typical!!! . . . TVd as the neighbours friend had what remained of his car, transported away on a trailer! (5/10)
8 - The printer cartridges I'd ordered arrived in the mail . . . loads of hassle getting the first one to work!!!! Tried the second one in desperation and that worked ok . . . did loads of printing and emptied one straight away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . . . walked up to get the cable sorted - the shop was shut!! . . . M/D came up bearing gifts aplenty . . . all went to the Harvester at Frenchay after picking up Sis1 . . . a good feed as always and no one passed out! . . . Sis1 gave us all a quick 30 minute guided tour introduction to 'Ikea' . . . hmmmm , food for thought indeed. LB popped in with beer for a couple of hours wanting company - I obliged -. and regretted it!!! PCd till early. (5/10)
9 - Felt disturbed and PCd till 4am . . . woke feeling unwell with a migraine like, visual disturbance . . . walked up to get the cable sorted but there was only a young idiot there who couldn't do it, didn't know when the manager would be back and wouldn't readily accept that the cable was wired wrong. He started trying to get me to pay more and buy a hub instead!!!!!! After a 'bit' of an argument he took my phone number and the cable and told me to return at 3 o'clock, by when someone would have been in to sort it. I returned at three to be told they hadn't come in and he had been trying to phone me. Liar! Another argument and he said to return at midday tomorrow for the cable or my money back! Why is it always so f*****g difficult whenever I want anything no matter how simple! Returned home feeling awfull and tried to sleep but couldn't . . . PCd till 3am. (3/10)
10 - Woken at 9am by the phone ringing but the caller hung up . . . I bet it was the kid at the 'M.R. Computers' shop . . . IT WAS! Waited till midday as agreed and phoned the shop . . . the guy would not accept he had made it up wrong and agreed I should have my money back . . . ten minutes later I had walked up the shop only to find it closed!!!!!! . . . bought groceries and returned but still shut . . . about 2:30 the kid rang me saying he had my money there . . . within ten minutes I was up there, had my money and after a week of being messed around was back to square one with no cable! . . . Printed out some website stuff and posted to CW . . . PS popped in and he drove us to Ashton Court to see the balloon fiesta 'Night Glow' and fireworks . . . traffic nightmare - we parked at the zoo and walked the couple of miles across the Clifton Suspension Bridge. HUGE crowds of people. Much bigger and more organised than ever before, but I felt the whole thing was an anticlimax and not that good. Incredible crowds!!!!! Eventally walked back to the car and home for a small beer by eleven. (4/10)
11 - Sat in the sun . . . PCd till early . . . overwhelming pointlessness to doing anything else. (4/10)
12 - Sat in the sun . . . PCd until I couldn't see straight! (3/10)
13 - Spent pretty much the whole day playing with VB6 and Access databases trying to help out SH who had reached an impass in the Taxi program he is writing . . . . thought up a 'dodge' which seemed to work. PCd till the early hours again. (3/10)
14 - PCd (3/10)
15 - Sat in the sun, PCd . . . ML picked me up and we went to the pub with S . . . two beers and I felt drunk , and later not very well!!! Set up my old machine with the 1Gb hard drive . . . Fdisk, format, Windows install, drivers install . . . put both large hard drives 5Gb/9Gb in my main machine . . . pretty much all done and sorted by 2am! (4/10)
16 - Finished sorting out the machines and tidied the room a bit, PCd . . . MOD called and asked if I would be interested in a vacancy in Bath or Corsham, I said NO!!!! Quality of life? I can't face the prospect of commuting such a distance every day . . they admitted vacancies at Abbey Wood are few and far between . . . felt exhausted and fell asleep on the settee . . . PCd. (3/10)
17 - Did some home accounts and found to my horror that I was overdrawn because two debits had been made from my bank account to e-commerce companies in the US . . . Fraud? Called my bank and told them and confirmed I had NEVER EVER given my card details out over the web. They said they would provisionaly recredit my account. Wrote to them as advised . . . very upset . . . scared to use my debit card ever again now! S&D popped in and dropped of a VDU for me to borrow . . . set up the old PC 'stand alone' in the living room . . . PCd till the early hours . . again! (4/10)
18 - Needed a rest from PCing for a bit so started working on decorating the stairwell again . . . as always a simple little job turned into a nightmare and I had to chisel out an electric cable and replaster it all . . . spent hours scraping off layer upon layer of paint and wallpaper . . . SH popped in for a coffee . . . PCd a bit but the net seemed slow and the WOM site and others appeared to be unavailable!? Felt ok moodwise but seemed to feel very distant from my memories. (5/10)
19 - Sis1 popped in to return my drill and brought hot cross buns for breakfast! Sat in the garden and ended up playing with the guitar . . . felt good and some words came to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wrote two 'songs' . . . bad ones but better than being comatose under a duvet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a long, LONG time since that happened. :{)> Had a kebab . . . TVd/PCd. A 'good' day. (6+/10)
20 - SH popped in and we sat around chatting and drinking coffee in the garden . . . felt exhausted and fell asleep on the settee in the middle of trying to do more guitary words . . . TVd/PCd. Ended up feeling a bit lonely and in need of some 'company' so went on the WOM chatroom. (5/10)
21 - Two people chatting were rude, abusive and rejecting towards me because I just wanted to sit there quietly, 'in company'. Silly little nothing but it really got to me. Like even when I exist as only a smiley face people seem to feel uneasy in my presence and find me objectionable!!!! Madness . . . I don't know why I am SO sensitive to such things. It proved I am still more fragile than I like to imagine . . . unsettled, difficulty sleeping, 'dark' self destructive thoughts . Received a letter from the MOD asking if I would be interested in a vacancy in Bath or Corsham, I rang them as requested and said NO and confirmed I wanted to remain on the list for vacancies in Bristol . . . guitared . . . S&DH picked me up and we spent the day at Exmouth and thereabouts, on the beach and in the sun . . .met up with Ds sister staying down there in a camper van. Fueled my fantasies of me buying a van . . . home about eleven thirty full of S&DHs food! A nice day generally, interspersed by waves of feeling alone, inferior, directionless and lost! (4/10)
22 - Guitared, PCd, shopped, TVd. (4/10)
23 - Sat in the sun and then had a go at the stairs redecoration project . . . as usual a quick redecoration turned into a major disaster with half the wall falling off!! TVd (4/10)
24 - Tried to rebuild some of the stairs destruction, sat in the sun, TVd (3/10)
25 - C called . . . she's been unwell!!!!! Shopped for food for the weekend . . . fell asleep on the settee . . . did some plastering on the stairs, TVd. Feeling pretty low . . . don't want to do anything over the bank holday weekend except hide away and be quiet! (3/10)
26 - ML picked me up about 11:45 in his Land Rover and we drove over to collect his caravan which was much bigger than I thought it would be. Drove up the motorway to Tewkesbury and met up with C&S and the dog. Drove to the campsite at Sledge Green. Went out to eat and drink at a local pub. (4/10)
27 - Drove about sight seeing a bit here and there and stopped at a small country pub doing a car show, proceeds for the air ambulance. Got a bit uptight and needed some solitude so took the dog for a short walk. More pubbing to end the day. (3/10)
28 - Ended up spending what seemed like the majority of the day waiting around in a pub to see an old tractor show, more proceeds to the air ambulance. Only a handful there and it seemed to me of very limited interest. Eventually managed to get away from pubs for a couple of hours and we all climbed to the top of the viewpoint at Little Malvern. C&S left to return home. ML and I drove around a bit sightseeing and found another pub but with a campsite and good food right on the banks of the river Severn. A definite possibility for the future. And yet more pubbing to end the day. (3/10)
29 - Finally got to walk the short climb to the highest viewpoint of the hills at the Great Malvern end. Sat around in the sun for quite some time admiring the tremendous views all around before having to go in another pub on the way back to the car. Back to the campsite, a quick coffee, all packed and on our way. Dropped back home around 4pm in great need of silence and my own company. A generally enjoyable couple of days. It was the first time I have experienced caravanning and I was quite impressed at home luxuriously one can live in them even if I am too tall for the bed. Less and less keen on drinking, I was however most uncomfortable with the need to waste so much money and time sat in pubs. Why go all that way to do what you can do any time at home? I guess I'm just different. I'd sooner spend a few silent hours watching the red sky turn starry. . . TVd, recharged my 'alone' batteries and spent the rest of the day feeling real low! (3/10)
30 - More DIY on the stairs . . . terrible mess, dust everywhere again . . . SH popped in and gave me a lift to Wickes to buy more matt white emulsion . . . TVd . . . still feeling low and reclusive. Phoned T and J (3/10)
31 - More DIY on the stairs . . . felt very down and ended up under the duvet on the settee by mid afternoon trying to sleep and not wake up . . . SH dropped by and woke me up half an hour later and my mood had improved?? . . . installed the flight sim software he had loaned me and had a fly about deliberately crashing into anything and everything in all sorts of different ways . . . DIYd, TVd, PCd. (3/10)
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