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1 - Felt 'somewhat' better . . . phoned CW . . . DIYd some more . . . spent hours trying to vacuum the layers of dust away from every room in the house . . . went for a kebab . . . PS popped in for chats and his holiday debriefing till late and came armed with cheap packs of duty free tobacco - SO cheap - excellent . . . TVd (4/10)
2 - Checked my bank account and found another unauthorised withdrawl from my account!!!!!!!! Told the bank to cancel my card and issue a new one, but how long will it take and do I have enough cash to survive till it comes? A week?!!!! Spent the whole morning sorting it out and writing yet another letter to the bank explaining and demanding a re-credit. I'm real tired of being everyone elses 'prey'. . . Slept the day away on the settee. TVd, PCd . . . lonely and low. (3/10)
3 - SH picked me up and we went to a computer fair . . . bought a network cable and printer cartridge refill kit . . . a real eye opener everything was SO cheap, if I could have used my credit card I would have bought my new monitor. Typical. . . . PCd, got the laptop and main PC linked ok but couldn't figure out how to share a network connection . . . TVd . . . very unstable moodwise?! (3/10)
4 - !! (2/10)
5 - Sat about . . . shopped for food . . . tried to be gentle with me . . . better but somewhat disconnected . . . feel as though I've been 'away' for some time! Done it to myself again!!! PCd (3/10)
6 - Just sat about trying to hold it together . . . lurked a lot on WOM reading the posts. (3/10)
7 - Woke up feeling fragile but stronger, determined to keep the upward mood 'bounce' going by force of will . . . caught up with neglected e-mails . . . breifly phoned Sis2 to touch base . . . forced myself to do more DIY . . . read some upsetting stuff on WOM and strangely overflowing with rare 'feelings' and compassion couldn't help but take the risk of posting . . . SH popped in for coffee . . . my 'loving' forteen word WOM posting had resulted in a fierce personal attack where I was called a 'superior', 'arrogant', 'bigot', 'asshole'!!!!!! Me?. . . felt deeply, very deeply hurt, upset and physically trembling and sick!!! I seldom feel anything but utter despair, but when I do it seems to be ALWAYS, consistently thrown back in my face. What is it about me which people find so repellent? . . . posted a gentle reply, apologised and said my goodbyes to WOM . . . PS popped in . . . ended the day with smokes and drinks . . . alone. (2/10)
8 - Couldn't help myself and lurked anonymously on WOM . . the unpleasant person had erased her posts but at the same time as seeming to apologise to those she had upset, continued to subtly attack them! Playing her 'poor me' card to its fullest she sought and got the support and encouragement of everyone, as though she were the 'victim'! . . . I can't help but feel that everyone there has naively validated and rewarded her learned outwardly unpleasant, crude, rude, aggressive behaviour. No need then to face up to the truth about her own personality.
But it is I with the personality disorder! Her harsh unwarranted words have damaged me VERY greatly. 'I' cannot erase them as easily. For someone who doesn't know me to say such things . . . for everyone in the world to then support her . . . it must be true!! I am worth nothing.
Further withdrawl . . . (2/10)
9 - Defrosted stuff to cook - the oven wouldn't work / is broken!! Put everything back in the freezer!!! . . . lurked. Life goes on for some . . . LB popped in late (2/10)
10 - Sis2 phoned for chats . . . hugged my silent guitar . . . watched the Grand Prix on TV and saw a safety marshall die on camera!! . . . EL e-mailed me to say she'd be away cause her gran had died!!! . . . feel empty. TVd . . . couldn't sleep . . . TVd till early. (3/10)
11 - Sat about . . . the oven decided to work so I cooked everything all at once and refroze it. My appliances seem to get down when I do?!!!!!! . . . slept . . . TVd . . . M/D phoned to cancel tomorrows visit because of the worsening fuel tax demonstrations . . . LB phoned saying NCCP 'may' be interested in my bike bits . . . IHB phoned inviting me over for a drink. I declined. . . . couldn't sleep . . . TVd till early. (3/10)
12 - Sat about . . . forced myself out for a walk. Walked a few miles to a motorcycle shop to daydream . . .it didn't work . . . sat in St Georges park very hot and ate chicken and chips like I used to . . . ML phoned to touch base - warned him I may not be up to going away with him as pre arranged . . . faced up to the truth that I will never build another bike and phoned NCCP to say I'll sell ALL the bike 'bits' for only 3k ( over 1k loss!!!!) . . . TVd till early. . . still don't want to touch the PC!! What is the point? What should I do? What is the point? What should I do? What is the point?!!!!!!!! (3/10)
13 - TVd the day away . . . SH popped in briefly . . . NCCP came over to look at the bike bits, chat and have a beer . . . a very likeable guy. All the receipts and paperwork pointed to 1991!!! I guess that must have been when my life really ended?! I've done nothing since?!! . . . We agreed the deal but I asked for cash, so it may take a while. I SO hope he doesn't change his mind. Despite the huge financial loss I will make, I really want 'everything' gone. (3/10)
14 - TVd . . . grabbed some guitar tabulature off the web and got sore fingers trying to make sense of it for hours . . . got an unexpected e-mail from someone who bumped into my website whilst searching on Yahoo for sites on Schizoid Personality Disorder. Don't feel up to replying (to anyone!!). Prompted me to do the same search and I gradually came to the conclusion, after hours and hours of reading everything, that I do NOT fit the diagnosis!!!! An absolute revelation to discover that I fit ABSOLUTELY (in my own mind) the criteria and associated traits for 'Avoidant Personality Disorder'. I am convinced it is absolutely the bedrock of my problems. Much is thus explained/understood. A revelation!! I understand! Gosh - no wonder I reacted like I did then, then, then and now!! My 'depression' seems an inevitable by product, not in itself, the problem! But how on earth can I possibly change????!!! . . . NCCP phoned to confirm he'll be over to do the deal on Saturday morning. Yay! (3/10)
15 - Phoned CW to touch base. Still unwell!!! . . . Guitared . . . TVd . . . shopped . . . stripped the bike bits and moved them from the conservatory into the kitchen (all over the kitchen!!!) ready for removal, as thunder and lightning raged overhead. Symbolic?!!! NCCP phoned again (?) to confirm he'll be over tomorrow if his bank sorts the money . . . Sorted out all the paperwork, receipts etc. He's getting a VERY good deal!! . . . successfully 'refilled' the printer ink cartridge with the refill kit, syringe etc. . . . Sat in the conservatory late, drinking coffee in the dark with the garden lights on watching the herds of slugs and snails 'sweeping majestically across the plains' . . . first time I've been able to do that in years. Difficulty sleeping. (3/10)
16 - Up early . . . NCCP turned up early as arranged, with a van and a friend and in no time everything was gone. Immediately went to the post office and banked the cash. Feel ok about it. Feel 'lighter' . . it WAS the right thing to do. A growing conviction that I should sell all my radio equipment too. . . . rang SH to see if I could give away my old dot matrix printer . . . fell asleep on the settee for a couple of hours . . . PCd but still in a 'I hate the PC' phase! . . . TVd till early. (3/10)
17 - Up early again after very little sleep . . . spent half the day on the PC reading about AvPD and related stuff . . . forced myself to update the website for the first time in ages! . . . phoned Sis2 to touch base . . . TVd . . .PS popped in for chats. (3/10)
18 - Meditated seriously for a 'very' short time - first time in ages! . . . received my CLAIT certificate in the post -wow (yawn) . . . walked to Fishponds to change my new debit card PIN . . . PCd (3/10)
19 - Meditated . . . PCd . . . DIYd just a bit . . . tidied up the conservatory . . . cleared debris and nasty stuff from the garden pond . . . PCd . . . just kept busy. (3/10)
20 - Meditated . . . shopped for milk . . . couldn't resist buying a hat that was in a charity shop. Wool, black, trilby (I think that's what they are called). It doesn't really fit me and looks real stupid perched on the top of my head but I just had to have it. I wore it back home. I always feel people are looking at me, thought I may as well give them a reason to! Doubt I'll ever wear it again. Only 75p so not much of a waste of money. . . . M/D visited with car bootsale/charity shop gifts including a new pair of light coloured curtains for the bedroom. Real nice. . . .carefully and gently introduced them to the 'AvPD' idea. Ok. . . . Sis1 arrived and we went out for a meal . . . came back and chatted and rang Sis1s manfriend and invited him over. He's ok. Pleasant chats. . . . 'stressfull' day nonetheless. Big headache all day (how do they do that?!!) despite popping Anadins!! Early to bed exhausted . . . admired my curtains. (3/10)
21 - Meditated . . . PCd on the AvPD research . . . When I moved all the bike stuff a huge spider the size of a saucer was evicted from it's home in the conservatory. It seemed to take up residence somewhere in the living room and from time to time would race across the room at 30mph! I gave chase a couple of times but it outran me. Sat watching TV it appeared on the arm of the settee next to me. Arrrrggghhh . . . I rushed for a cup and a piece of card . . . success. At last I put it unharmed out in the garden . . . spent some time feeling guilty and hoping it would find a nice home and be ok!!!!!!!!!!!! . . . still feeling ok but sort of 'flat' . (3/10)
22 - Meditated . . . rang CW to touch base. Things aren't good. Hospital soon. Oh dear! . . . . Sat about waiting for the afternoon . . . went to give blood. Felt stronger. Felt comfortable knowing that I WOULD find it stressful amongst people and why . . . deliberately spoke to some strangers, poor devils (DIY AvPD desensitisation therapy?). They no longer give the local anaesthetic jab and it bloody hurt! . . . shopped . . . went up the road for a kebab and saw the fat 'friendly' cat sat on the pavement on the way. Stopped to say hello, how ya doin and have a stroke. Stopped for quite a time as it rubbed back and forth against my shins. When I came to say cheerio and walk away it started walking along next to me like a dog, looking up at me all pleading!!! It kept on doing it, despite my protestations, for quite a distance and took a gentle 'shooo' to get it to stay where it was, safe. Felt nice to be wanted. . . . Deliberately spoke to some poor woman customer in the kebab shop and told her all about it! (more DIY therapy) She left with a kebab, chips and a smile. So did I . . . TVd. (4/10)
23 - Meditated . . . PCd . . . shopped and treated myself to a new duvet cover and pillow cases. All white! . . . read, TVd, PCd. (4/10)
24 - Meditated . . . PCd . . . suddenly overwhelmed by not wanting to have ANY contact with anyone. Snoozed on the sofa for a couple of hours and let the ansaphone take calls. Woke feeling 'better' and called ML and LG back. Successfully 'chatted' . . . TVd . . . couldn't sleep till early. (3/10)
25 - Meditated but only managed fifteen minutes . . . PCd . . . balanced my accounts (despite the unauthorised re-credit!!!) . . . LB phoned to talk about nothing and seemed argumentative again whenever I expressed an opinion. Why bother phoning?!!!!! . . . PCd . . . sat about aimlessly surfing the waves of unstable mood . . .TVd . . . phoned JB to touch base. (3/10)
26 - Meditated . . . PCd . . . shopped for cards . . . PS popped in briefly . . .TVd . . .PCd .. concerned that my web site seems to be consistantly unavailable during 'peak' hours. (3/10)
27 - Meditated . . . SH popped in and tried to assist sorting out my network/internet connection sharing problem. It got worse!!!! Spent many hours going round and round in circles with me losing my temper lots! Eventually got it back to 'normal' but still no connection sharing . . . slept on the settee . . . did a very small bit of DIY . . . TVd. (3/10)
28 - Meditated . . . sat in the garden in the 'sunny spells' for a bit . . . PCd . . . bought the evening paper to look at the job ads. I just can't face applying for any. Every time I read 'must be able to work as part of a team' I feel sick!!!!!! . . . TVd . . . phoned TS to touch base . . . PS popped in for a beer till late. (3/10)
29 - Meditated but only managed fifteen wandering, fruitless minutes . . . PCd. Nervously posted a 'hello' on the AvPD eGroup board . . . shopped . . . went to buy some head ache pills and passed the poor physically/mentally disabled boy who gets parked in his wheel chair in the garden of the old house on the corner. I forced myself to say hello on the way back past but I don't think it made it through. Felt guilty I had chosen such a soft target for trying out my 'social skills'! . . . PCd but my mail server was not responding!!! Typical! What the hell am I paying for?!!! . . . TVd . . . ML called to confirm everything was on for next week and he'd pick me up early tomorrow . . . packed clothes and stuff for the week away . . . still feel really anxious about going and don't really want to . . . couldn't sleep till early. (3/10)
30 - Woke before the alarm at about 06:30 . . . meditated . . . breakfasted . . . got all my stuff ready and nervously waited for ML to arrive . . . out and on the road around nine. Just do it! (?/10)