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October
1 - 7 - Away in a bungalow in Wales with ML/C/S 'off roading'.
Unpacked . . . went up Kingswood to have films developed . . . sat in Kingswood Park surrounded by litter and noisy nasty kids waiting for the expensive one hour processing. Wanted to still be up in the hills!! . . . washed lots of clothes . . . rang M/D to say I was still alive . . . scanned and sent copies of some of the photos by e-mail to ML . . . went up the road for a kebab . . . TVd. Forest Gump on TV made me cry again but this time at different bits. . . . Very happy to be quiet and on my own again. (?/10)
8 - Meditated . . . sat about revelling in my own company . . . JB rang to see if I had survived . . . unexpected e-mail from RJ!!!! Nice words. What to reply?!!! . . . touched base with M/D and tried to convince them to spend some of their pension and go and travel about a bit, see some of the country and stay in hotels and the like. They seem to be dieing of boredom and think moving house will help! It seems SO obvious it wont. No matter where you go there you are! . . . washed more clothes . . . PCd . . . TVd till early. (5/10)
9 - Woken up too early by SH on the ansaphone . . . called him back and he popped in for coffee . . . tried to type up some of last week but really didn't want to and didn't seem to have the energy . . . laid on the settee for a bit - CW called. She seemed ok after her surgery. Relieved to hear it but was she maybe 'too' ok! . . . posted birthday card to LG . . . typed and determined to catch up on neglected e-mails later . . . 'best laid plans' and all that - IHB phoned and invited me over for a drink/chat. I've said no the last couple of times so felt obliged to go . . . couldn't face the long walk in the bad weather so pumped up the tires on the old push bike, took some batteries out of my PC speakers for the lights and cycled over along the cycle path. Tiring! Chatted to him and his wife, introduced the idea of AvPD, cycled back and home about 1am FREEZING, aching and feeling drunk on a bottle of beer and a half of cider! (4/10)
10 - Woke up before the alarm . . .Annadin, coffee and cigarettes for breakfast . . . TVd until time to walk to the dentist . . . walked down the 'secret' path, cold in the breezy sun amidst the trees and birds, frightening the lucky dog walkers by forcing a 'good morning'. Stopped on a seat for a smoke and watched a grey squirrel bounce across the grass. Hurry little squirrel, winter is coming (is here?) . . . sat in the dentist chair and the minute I opened my mouth, without a word she got up and opened the window and door! Bad breath? . . . I valiantly practiced my 'eye lid' relaxation technique but only succeeded in alternating between being tense and stiff as a board and relaxed and closed mouthed. . . . what did she say? All of a sudden the dentist and assistant left the room!!! What did I do wrong? Ah I see . . . safety evacuation for an Xray . . . and then another, but why? . . . and then they both came back into the room laughing. At me I supposed . . . couldn't understand a word and all of a sudden she fills my mouth with brown glue and tells me not to wash my teeth today!!!! . . . stopped briefly in the library picking glue out of my moustache and beard! The library resources computer didn't know anything about AvPD and came back with a list of books about avoiding the sinking of the Bismark!? Interesting analogy. . . . bought a bag of chips on the way home and spent the rest of the day picking bits of chips from my glue covered teeth with my tongue . . . typed just a little but can't be bothered . . . fell asleep on the settee . . . sorry to wake . . . still feel absolutely drained and exhausted . . . feel down/not right . . . want to hide away . . . PCd/TVd. (3/10)
11 - Meditated . . . typed but really finding it hard 'work' . . . ate green cheese on toast cause I can't bring myself to throw it away . . . fell asleep on the settee . . . TVd . . . PCd till early . . . think I may have a virus!!!! PC keeps trying to connect all on it's own!!!!!!! What to do?. . . Disturbed sleep due to noisy stomach. Didn't eat enough today! (4/10)
12 - Meditated . . . ate . . . typed . . . fell asleep . . . feel very unstable/uptight/down like I'm walking a knife edge!? . . . (2/10)
13 - Typed . . . TVd (3/10)
14 - Typed and sick of it . . . very down . . .TVd . . . LB popped in late with wine till early. (2/10)
15 - SH popped in and I showed him my PC 'virus' behaviour. He recommended a web site for free downloads . . . spent hours downloading McAfee antivirus software only to find I do NOT have a virus - or at least it didn't find one!!! . . . got more and more down as the day wore on - really bad one!!! . . . tried to sleep it away on the settee . . . survived . . . woke feeling 'better'-ish . . . LB phoned to say she had bought two pole-cats for 5 . . . popped in on the way up to get a kebab, and had a stroke. Very young/cute but what sort of a life can they expect living in a hutch in the garden and being brought out to play when the mood takes her? Not right!!!! . . . TVd till early avoiding the bloody PC. (2/10)
16 - Shopped for food, bought loads more cheap burgers! Got a neat leather waistcoat in a charity shop for 4 . . . felt better . . . SH popped in to GIVE me an old SLR camera he didn't want. Nice one! . . . went up into the loft looking for an old light meter I once had. Found I'd already given it away to a charity shop . . . discovered my old cub/scout uniform and an old diary. I laughed and laughed and laughed as I read the few entries I'd actually made. So was I just an ordinary kid then? I remember almost nothing . . . PCd. (3/10)
17 - Typed . . . Sis1 popped in for chats. A kid in the care home she works at had hit her in the face and she wasn't happy. No wonder!! Little git! No future! Didn't know what to say other than 'get another job'! . . . M/D phoned to say they'd got a mobile phone 'for emergencies'. Like a couple of excited kids :o) . . . typed some more . . . TVd . . . M/D phoned to say they'd spoken to my 'web site fan club' (Uncle TJ). Felt silly but nice. :o) (4/10)
18 - Typed, typed and typed . . .stopped for food . . . typed. Obsession!!! Want it over and done with bad! What time/day is it?. . . PCd/TVd till 2am (4/10)
19 - Up late, sat around not wanting to type . . . typed just a bit . . . PS popped in for a beer and chat until early. I had one beer too but had difficulty finishing it. (4/10)
20 - Up late with a headache after a very sound sleep but still feeling tired - as always! . . . Gas bill arrived with the standing charge dropped. 4.31 Wow! Cheapest gas bill I've EVER seen! Greedily feel ungrateful and that I deserve a refund of the years of standing charges I HAVE had to pay! . . . typed. The software finally gave out under the pressure and I had to split it into two. Lots of messing about. Another twelve hour day at the PC!!! Why, why, why ? Finally stopped for food about 10:30pm. Got attacked by a squirty sausage as I cooked it!! (4/10)
21 - Guess what. Typed . . . hooligans keep letting off fireworks making me jump . . . typed all day and absolutely nothing else but only a day or so to go now. Ha. (4/10)
22 - Typed. It needs 'finishing', punctuation, tweaking, etc. etc. but the spade work is done. (The Hills Are Alive) I don't think I'm gonna type too much more for a while!!! Need to eat . . . Sis2 phoned to touch base. her job looks fragile. Oh dear, again! (4/10)
23 - Typed, finished, puntuated, tweaked . . . CW called. Glad she sounded fine . . . PS phoned to say'tonight?' . . . SH popped in for a coffee but I was hungry and impatient and a poor host . . . only time for a tin of soup and a pastie all day!! . . . PS popped round for a drink and chats till early so didn't finish the typing as I'd wanted. Damn! (4/10)
24 - Typed and laboriously rebuilt the whole thing!!! Can't face re-checking for mistakes . . . to hell with it. Enough. What the hell is the bloody point?!! . . . Printed out a copy for M/D. 60 pages!!!! Used up almost all my printer ink. Refilled the cartridge and spilled it everywhere!! . . . checked out a print shop to see how much to colour photocopy. 1 per sheet!!!!!!!!!! Sod that then!! . . . Shopped for food and cards, washed, tidied up, tried to get back to usual? Ate, TVd, sat about. (3/10)
25 - Received card from JB . . . M/D confirmed receipt of the print out . . . PCd . . . played with My Times ala Forest Gump just for fun. Made me laugh. Fell asleep on the settee. TVd . . . posted card to IHB . . . he phoned to invite me out on Friday with a few of his friends. The ansaphone took it. Couldn't bring myself to call back cause of course the answer is no and it hurts to say it. Friday is mine. Definitely AvPD mine! Why pretend - again! . . . PCd and chatted to TS on MSN (3/10)
26 - Package in mail from TS, saved till tomorrow!!!!! . . . PCd he, he, he. . . IHB phoned again! Told him thanks but no. Can't just can't!!! . . . shopped for food, chocolate and a bottle of Gin!!!!!!!! (3/10)
27 - Opened the junk mail and cards . . . opened the gift from TS. She shouldn't have, but how appropriate. Girls have amazing memories for such things! . . . a car with writing on pulled up in the middle of the street outside, holding up the traffic. A girl got out with a huge great big box covered in ribbons and bows and came to the door! So flustered I didn't even ask who it was from. I opened the lid and a balloon leapt out and, held by a ribbon, floated above my head. How embarrassing!!!! So much for pretending it wasn't happening! . . . phoned CW. It WAS from her. Must have cost a fortune. Guilt! Pretended to be happy not sad . . . M/D phoned embarrassingly trying not to say have a 'happy' day. They're getting the idea. I'm so sorry! . . . PS e-mailed to say 'my place?' I said 'not THIS day!'. . . Caught off guard I answered the phone. IHB sounding happy said thanks for the card and he had one for me and he'd pop in later. Oh . .ok!!!!!!! Damn! He did with cider! Yuk. After he'd drunk three pints, I had maybe one, he left to meet his friends and carry on drinking in pubs all happy and celebrating. How? Why?. . . PCd the hours away . . . wobbled to the chip shop for a late tea and with the drink in me, told them my web address?!!! Can I ever return?! . . . ate and then smoked, drank and TVd the rest of the day away in isolation until it was thankfully over. . A day of sickening 'poor me' self indulgent reflection, guilt, regrets, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, despair, etc, etc, etc. Just another birthday then . . . ! (2/10)
28 - Up late feeling blurry! PCd . . . drank and fell asleep on the settee . . . woke and ruthlessly sorted out and threw away some old school books I'd found in the attic a couple of days ago . . . TVd . . . drank some more . . . up till 4am doing more silly pictures for My Times . Posted a copy for fun to M/D at 04:30!! (3/10)
29 - PCd/TVd . . . sat around aimlessly . . . Sis2 called to touch base . . . LB popped in late/drunk! . . . disturbed sleep due to really bad windy stormy weather. (3/10)
30 - Up late . . . house appears to be intact . . . M/D phoned to say they'd got my letter / their fence had been blown down / they intend to order a new settee today. I can have their old one when they get it. It's only a two seater so will I survive not being able to sleep on the settee?!!! . . . slept on the settee . . . ML phoned to touch base . . . PS popped in till late. (3/10)
31 - Sat around not up to doing anything . . . down day . . . slept on the settee. . . TVd. Received three e-mails from I don't know who with attachments. Bet I have loads of viruses now!!!! (2/10)
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