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November
1 - Up around 6:15am. Brrr - only around 5C out this morning. Coffee and cigarettes in the garage . . .did the long walk through the woods again. Even collected up some of the litter from around my usual sitting place! . . .bathed and then ate four pieces of toast with huge dollops of the cheap economy marmalade and jam I brought down, just to use it up out of the way, because it's very much not to Mums liking. Too tasteless and cheap! . . . letters in the mail from the estate agent and solicitor confirming things are being pushed ahead. . .PCd this . . one of Mum's neighbours popped in with a mis-addressed letter for me. Turned out to be a council-tax refund of 112.50!? Phoned them up to correct the wrong address. Idiots! Also asked them to give me a bit of a clue as to why it was that amount. Something to do with the annual bill being done in ten instalments in advance. I'll have to try and check that some time . . .PCd this out in the garage for ages but became increasingly cold. . . PS called to touch base on his day off. As he'd suggested he may, he'd contacted the estate agent seeking a viewing of my house (just to see what they'd have to say about it, etc.). They told him it was sold - so - I guess I should consider it is. .lay down for a nap but difficulty sleeping and only managed perhaps an hour or so before getting back up . . . walked around 6:45pm, but rather didn't want to have to. Really unpleasantly cold in the strong breeze. Was actually ok if you got out of the breeze. Sat in the shelter of one of the pill boxes in the pitch dark for my cigarette. . brought Sally in to 'my' room a little earlier tonight because it was so cold out. Left her in there with her chewy thing and TVd with Mum a little . . .BB called . . coffee and three pastry fruit pies. . .to bed around 10:15pm! It's getting earlier and earlier!!
2 - Up around 6:15am again. Thermometer in the garage says zero degrees! . . . walked in multiple layers, hat and gloves through the woods up to Battery Gardens and toyed just a little with the camcorder again. Grabbed more cardboard boxes for packing stuff up, from the shop skip on the way back . . . ate a bowl of muesli . . .PCd this in the garage trying to 'transcript' some of that utterly infuriating nonsense spouted by the beat manager on the 6th of October. . rceieved a call from the estate agents, from the woman who deals with progressing sales. She just kinda wanted to introduce herself I think. I suggested I imagined it had reached a stage where I shouldn't get much more contact except if there is a problem. Her reply was that the next call I'd probably get would be about arranging access for the buyer's surveyor to enter the property. That sent my already dodgy mood spiralling even further. Because of the nature of the property (a building site in progress) and because of the way in which the woman had made the offer requesting a quick completion, I'd assumed it was NOT 'surveyors report dependant'! God only knows what a surveyor will make of the mess it's in. Convinced myself even more than I already had, it'll all fall through - and simply have delayed my agony by a month or two, plus financial loss to boot! :o( . . PCd some more of the beat manager conversation. Ended up all upset, cold and headachey and gave up around midday . . .napped for a couple of hours to try and lose the headache and - well - because I just want it ALL to go away right now. :o( . . . PCd and figured out how to protect a directory on my paid-for webspace, so had a go at uploading a bit of this for those who have expressed concern over my whereabouts. Gonna have to check IPs before I can partially satisfy myself who is safe to let in and who may be not! . . .ate Mum made defrosted chicken sandwiches, a bag of chicken crisps and a bowl of chicken soup shortly after 5pm. . . walked. Bumped into and chatted with the Inland Revenue guy again for a bit . . TVd struggling to stay awake until BB called - but only for her to ask me to call her back in an hour! . . more struggling to stay awake watching the portable and smoking in the freezing garage until BB called back again within half an hour . . . TVd just a bit before ending up in bed by around 1opm again. Think it may be the unfamiliar heat of Mums central heating putting me to sleep all the time like this - or maybe the underlying worry/stress about the house sale and what the hell I'm gonna do/where I'm gonna go in the future! :o(
3 - Woken earlier by Sally staring at me, snoozed on then up around 7am. Blimey - what on earth's happening with me? That's almost nine hours sleep!!? . . walked just down to Battery Gardens and back . . PCd a bit of this briefly. . . threw the large sack of charity shop stuff I'd sorted out into the back of the car and then drove to the little garage place I'd spotted the other day that does MOTs. Booked the car in for Wednesday. . dove on to the charity shop I'd chosen for my donation (RSPCA) and dashed in, only to find they had enough stuff and didn't want any more. They siggested the next charity shop along the street. Drove the short distance, parked up on the yellow lines and successfully dropped off the sack with them. . boxed up a heavy box of books and a few other things in the garage as Mum cut the lawn! . . ate Mum made luncheon meat sandwiches and crisps . . . napped the afternoon away until well gone 5pm!! . . .walked. Passed a busy sports ground on the way that was doing a kids party. Turned out to include a bunch of fireworks. . . TVd . . ate four Mum cooked burgers in bread rolls . . . TVd . . BB called . . .TVd and surfed very briefly (terrified of the bill I'm running up on Mums number) although back on a slow dial up, it was hardly worth bothering. I don't think there can be many sites left that are useable by dial up these days. :o( . . to bed before midnight. s
4 - Disturbed sleep, woke earlier and then up around 6:30am . . .walked the long 'woods' walk and toyed briefly with the camcorder on Battery Gardens. On the way back home I noticed Sally was limping! Oh NO! That's all I need on top of everything else. Something wrong with her! . checked her over repeatedly on the way home, but couldn't find anything stuck in her paw or any visible damag!? Back at Mums, after she'd layed down for a while her limp was REALLY bad! Pulled muscle/twisted a joint or something? Took her straight back inside into the spare room and had the heating on pretty high for her, while PCing this and messing around, but already fighting the desire to sleep!?. . ate luncheon meat sandwiches and crisps. Definitely a down day. Feel totally lost and directionless and as though anything I might do is utterly pointless. :o( . . successfully slept the afternoon away, only to wake a little after 5pm overheating badly, and feeling a sick again . . came too with coffee and cigarettes in the freezing garage . . LB called to say she'd be keeping an eye on the house tonight especially, what with all the fireworks and such!! . . all drove down to Battery Gardens (once Mum had finished watching 'Come Dancing' on TV) and sat for a bit watching the fireworks under the roofed seats. Sally's limp seemed 'better', so maybe it WAS just a pulled muscle or a strain or something. Thank god for that! . . ate half a Mum oven-heated chicken pastry pie and then a big jam and clotted cream covered scone . . BB called. . PCd property (I can't afford - everywhere!) a bit before bed around 11pm. :o(
5 - Woken in the night by thirsty Sally having a very long slurpy drink! . . up around 6:30am . . . walked, just to Battery Gardens and back. Sally's limp looks much better, and hardly noticable at times . . sat around aimlessly, waiting for the chance to sleep some more. . . Sis1 called to touch base with us all . . . ate the rest of yesterdays chicken pastry pie and a mini pork pie . . .slept for a couple of hours. . . TVd until around 7pm, waiting until Mum'd finished watching her program. All drove to Battery Gardens to walk and sit and watch the fireworks. Wouldn't you know it - it was quieter than yesterday and there wasn't much of a show anywhere around Torbay at all! . . back around 8pm to eat Mum made ham, lettuce and tomato sandwiches with spring onions and then a scone with jam and clotted cream . . . TVd in the garage for a while . . . BB called . . . TVd inside but ended up in bed before 10pm!! Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death for 'crimes against humanity' this day. Feel as though I have been too. Very down. s
6 - Up around 6:30am. . .walked just to Battery Gardens and back, still worried about Sally's intermittant limp. . .so much for my plan of going up to the house today. I just can't face it or really see the point right now. If it's there 'intact' after bonfire night so be it, if it isn't, nothing much I can do about it is there. :o( Worthy of note is that it's around a month since my 'life ended', and as far as I know, the police have done absolutely nothing. No suprises there then. :o( . . .eventually mustered the energy to walk down town with Sally, and managed to find the tiny car accessories place I'd found advertised in the Local Thompsons book. Paid 5 something for a replacement windscreen wiper blade for the rear window. Probably not a requirement for an MOT, but it was falling to bits and useless, has been bugging me for a while, and visually wouldn't hurt being replaced before an MOT attempt . .a warm and sunny morning. Picked up a couple of free property papers as I walked through town, lurching backwards and forwards across the road from one estate agents window to the next. Even saw a couple of pokey little houses that I could maybe just about afford to buy if I sell mine and plough in ALL of my savings (but of course then wouldn't be able to afford to 'live' in them!) and ended up feeling just a little more 'up' than I have done of late (the sun and warmth mostly I think). . walked and sat around the harbor for a bit before eventually heading back via the harbor/coastal path, past what appears to be an old homeless woman (move over lady, make me a space!) and Battery Gardens. . . fitted the wiper blade before ending up sat in the garden for ages, looking through ALL of the properties listed in the free papers. Oh dear. :o( . . .filled an old large paint container with warm soapy water, put on my raincoat and had a bit of a go at washing the car. Actually can't recall ever having done it before! It was COVERED in grime and egg splatter, etc, etc. With all the dents, keyings and thrown-brick damage, there was little point in worrying about the paintwork, so I dug out an old nylon scrubbing type brush from the garage and gave it my best all over, before hosing it off and giving it a bit of a drying rub with a dirty rag. Uh oh - on removal for cleaning, at least two of the plastic 'tabs' on one of the front wheel trims fell off! Probably where I'd badly parked outside the house at some point and hit the kerb. :o( Foolishly put it back on the wheel hoping for the best. . all in all, after a good bit of window cleaning to wipe off all the Sally slobber and the smeared-all-over-the-windscreen Red Bull from that tin that burst all over the screen wipes in the door compartment, the car actually came up suprisingly well. Just a 'little' better impression for an MOT examiner, I reckoned. . . ate Mum made luncheon meat, lettuce and tomato sandwiches with two bags of crisps . . . lay down for a nap but couldn't sleep and then Sis2 called to touch base . . . walked. On the way to Battery Gardens I encountered and had to pass a group of kids hanging around on a street corner. Impossible to convey how 'uneasy' etc. that made me feel. As I approached, one of them threw an empty drink container high into the air over the road, to land near some lock up garages. (Ignore it, ignore it, say nothing, look away, etc, etc! :o( ) As I drew closer on my way past them, one of the group shouted out 'something', at or about me (I didn't hear what - and continued to ignore them), and one of his friends told him to be quiet!!! I don't believe it!! For gods sake!! I don't F***ING believe it!! This can't be happening to anyone else like this can it? It MUST be ME! Is there something uniquely targetable about me? Do I exude some palpable worthlessness that people pick up on? What the F*** is it about me? Down and deeply despairing. It occurred to me that some would suggest I suffer from paranoid delusions, and I would almost agree, except that they ARE NOT DELUSIONS! All this s**t HAS actually happened to me! What IS wrong with ME? Why am I singled out like this? I just can't make sense of it. I just can't. How is someone supposed to survive if they carry this 'kick me' gene? I'm really starting to fear for my state of mind, more than I ever have. :o( I hadn't done so for quite a few years - but I'm back to carrying a knife now - always! In the absence of a credible police force in this country, given what's happened to me, given how I walk Sally every day in isolated spots at night - why shouldn't I? God help the next person who lays their hands on me in violence. :o( . . . eventually wandered back and ate half a Mum heated steak and kidney pastry pie with peas, boiled potatoes and gravy before heading back out to the garage to sit miserably in front of the TV, questioning my continued existance much, and frankly finding absolutely no justification for it whatsoever! Very down. :o( . . . BB called briefly. I had nothing to say and got her off the phone. She's having her own hard times. What possible use am I in that?. . to bed around 10pm.
7 - Up around 6am. . .walked the long walk to the woods, sat around, walked back. Extremely miserable and 'paranoid', dwelling on stuff so much I was hardly present during the walk. . . just sat in the garage chain smoking for ages. . . briefly popped out to the Post Office to pick up change of address forms for my premium bonds (which of course I won't be able to afford to have for much longer! :o( ) and for my driving licence. Had a rummage in the store freezer and managed to find a bag of oven chips in there. Yayyy. Surely I'll be able to convince Mum to let me have some of those. (My chip pan is banned from entering the house - as am I from cooking anything in her kitchen!) I can't possibly exist on the meagre diet of salad and cheese on toast and such that Mum now lives on. I NEED chips! . . received a letter in the mail from my solicitor which forced me into sudden action, despite really, REALLY not being fit for anything but unconsciousness. Turned out that the house buyers solicitor had asked various questions about my answers on the sellers property information pack. Trouble with that was, I don't have a copy of it, so didn't know what he was on about! Rang my solicitor and then walked straight down with Sally to pick up a copy. Raced back to make sense of it all. . uh oh. He wanted relatively straightforward clarification of this and that, and then copies of gurantees and certificates on a bunch of stuff - like the old damp proofing, roof work, attic work, skylights, etc etc! Yeah right! Get real! If I had any of it, I'd have given it to them already - and probably wouldn't be selling at such a knock down price would I! . . cobbled together a reply letter which pretty much said across the board, "I cannot provide blah blah blah". A big 'fobb off' really! So - what the effect of that is gonna be, I can only imagine. Yet another reason for it all to fall through! :o( . . photocopied my hand written reply at the store and then raced straight back down in the car to hand it back in at my solicitors office. They were shut for lunch so I posted it through their letter box. . on the way back, luckily at a relatively low speed going round a corner, and with no pedestrians around, the front right, broken wheel trim went flying off the car!!! Pulled up on the kerb and raced back and found it laying in someones garden, without any signs of damage to anything. Oh well - so much for that then - fit for the bin. One wheel trim less to worry about. :o( . . . ate half a steak and kidney pie and a sausage roll with crisps . . . napped for almost a couple of hours. . . walked . . . ate Mum cooked oven chips, sausages and beans. Ahhh, a 'proper' fill me up meal. :o). . . BB called . . . PCd a bit . . . to bed around 11pm.
8 - Up early around 5:40am for some reason!! . . . walked . . .took everything out of the car. Carefully used a pair of scissors to tidy up a bit of a small 'fray' on the front seat belt, and then used a cigarette lighter to melt it back, so that it was 'almost' unnoticeable. If it fails the MOT on that (like it did on one of the rear ones a couple of years ago) I'll be livid! . drove the car with Sally to the MOT station and left it there around 9am. .walked down into town heading for the building society, to bank the 112.50 council tax refund cheque I'd unexpectedly received. I'd done the math at some point and pretty much agreed with the amount. .typical - on this particular day of the week, the building society doesn't open until 10am! . sat around near the harbor for a bit before eventually walking back up the high street to sit more or less opposite the building society for thirty minutes. . . eventually got in to do my business (amongst all the 'investment manager' pensioners) and then out and back via Battery Gardens . . . ate Mum made ham and salad sandwiches I think - or something or other. Can't recall and can't say I really care. Food's just an annoying thing I gotta do right now - a bit like everything else - being awake especially! :o( . .the gas board had sent a letter a while ago, saying they were going to be replacing Mums gas meter today - some time between 8am and 8pm, so someone would have to be in!! Grrrrr. That meant that Mum got up early so she'd be ready for 8am, and then she had to sit around all day being up tight, waiting. She seemed to do rather a lot of cleaning of stuff to while away the hours. I cheekily used that opportunity to get her to wash all the mouldy screen wipes from the car! lol . . I think it was early afternoon, while I was sat in the garage smoking and watching TV that the gas man eventually arrived. Thankfully he had no problem with working around all Sis2s boxes, stacked up on that side of the garage. (All mine are stacked to roof height on the other side!) He also had no problem with me hanging around and having a 'chat' while he worked (although actually just making sure all the stuff in the garage was untouched). Weird thing was, very shortly after we'd begun talking, he asked if we'd met before. Of course 'I' wouldn't have remembered if we'd met only an hour ago, but since I'm not from down here, I assured him we absolutely hadn't. Our conversation continued and inevitably veered off into an explanation of how I found myself to be here, in an old womans garage watching TV, surrounded by boxes of my meagre possessions. It was THEN that the gas guy convinced me that we HAD met before! He'd done work up in Bristol, and remembered some guy with a CCTV camera telling him about how he'd been attacked in his own home by the father of one of the yobs. It was HIM who'd exchanged MY gas meter on the 21st April!!!! What a BIZARRE coincedence! Turns out he lives in Gwent, did work in Bristol and then was offered several months work down this way, while being put up in a hotel! Nice work if you can get it! WHAT a small world! Bizarre. . ate Mum made ham and salad rolls and crisps . . tried to nap but couldn't, expecting a call about the car. Eventually gave up waiting late afternoon, and called the garage to find out what the score was. Apparantly it HAD failed. Something about a tyre and they hadn't been able to do the emissions test because it was overheating!!? I rather lost track of the way the conversation went a bit because I couldn't understand why they'd had such a problem when I've been driving the thing like that for a year without a 'real' problem, or why they didn't just let the thing cool down and do it, or why they wouldn't know about the trick of turning on the interior heater fan, or why they didn't just short out the cooling fan to be on all the time for the test, etc etc. I think I eventually just told them to do what was necessary to get it through the test. Trouble was then, that they'd used up or missed all the day's MOT slots, so they'd have to keep it overnight and have another go tomorrow!! Hmph. :o( . . . all walked with Mum holding onto my torch with one hand while holding onto my arm with her other. Weird feeling having my Mum on my arm like that. Felt very 'Dad' like! . . . BB called . . .TVd and saw a mention at the end of a Panorama show, about how they are going to be doing a show in the future about 'no go Britain' and how the country is being taken over by the yobs. They cited their website and asked for contributions. .PCd and had a look. . ooohhh, I wonder?!! What a shame I had to remove my website content. Ooohhh, I wonder?Surely 'I' have a tale to tell about all this stuff don't I? Can there be many people whose lives have just been totally and irretreivably trashed like mine has? . . eventually to bed around 11:30pm or later.
9 - Up around 6:30am again . . walked the long woods walk and back the same way, although my mind was so full of thinking about the Panorama program, I hardly noticed half the walk. No matter how much I think I may have something to contribute to the program with my tale, the CCTV footage, the audio recordings, the recordings of the local beat manager suggesting a hedge etc etc etc - I just CAN'T until I've been safely 'released' from my house and have salvaged at least something () of my life. If I go public too soon (and god knows I fully intend to if anyone TV/Radio/papers/etc. will listen) , I could lose EVERYTHING! God I'm SO up tight about that possibility I can hardly breath. :o( . . . rang the cable company again about my final huge bill and pleaded (actually literally on my knees at the time) to some call centre supervisor (called Chris Thorpe), for some 'exceptional circumstances' dispensation over the 161.91 they'd levied for premature termination of my broadband contract. Eventually he came back on the line and said that due to the exceptional circumstances, they'd agreed to let me off the amount. Oh joy. Oh thank goodness. Gonna have to keep a close eye in a week or so on the direct debit to make sure they are true to their word. Can't help thinking they won't be! . . . sat around waiting for the call from the MOT place. . made the mistake of having a bit of scrub at the garden path with a broom. It's all covered in mildew and slippery as hell and hasn't been scrubbed like that since Dad died apparantly. Mum did NOT want it done! Blimey - you'd have thought I'd just redecorated her living room or something from the reaction! The strain and stress of having to endure my presence starting to show I guess. :o( Poor Mum. Made me feel useless/worthless/a burden, etc, etc, etc. . . returned to bed to try and sleep but failed. Ate a bunch of biscuits with a coffee and had another go, but ended up just laying there mind racing for an hour or more! :o( . . . eventually called the MOT place after 1am to find out what the score was. Turned out they'd temorarily shorted out the cooling fan (as I'd suggested!) to enable them to get it through the emissions test all ok without overheating, and was currently having a new tyre put on. They had to do the MOT paperwork so suggested I could pick it up after 2:30pm. Thank goodness. . ate Mum made garlic sausage, mayo, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. . TVd . . walked with Sally around 2:45pm and headed off to get the car. It was all done and the bill came to a modest 78.55. 50 for the actual test and 24 for a tyre. Phew. Thank god that's over for another year. Got off pretty lightly again I guess. I was SO convinced that the shock absorbers and wheel bearings at least, were likely to require replacement. Despite my misgivings of all that messing around saying they couldn't do the emissions because of the overheating, and having to keep it overnight etc, when I actually spoke to the guy and had to pay up, I kinda got the impression that they are probably pretty good there after all. (Small town, small business - reputation to protect etc.). They even said they'd write next year to remind me it's due! I didn't recognise the actual MOT certificate at all. Apparantly it's all changed and got computerised (so those roadside cameras can immediately recognise passing licence plates without MOTs/insurance etc.) , and proof of a valid test is now an A4 sheet of paper (VT20)! . . drove around just a little, trying to get a better feel for the area. There is a whole side of town I've never really been to. It felt VERY different over that way. Busier. Noisier. More people around. Didn't like it (particularly since the local school appears to be over that way, and around that time the kids were getting out!!! YUK!!!) No. No way would I want to live over THAT way! I'm much more suited to the 'old fogies' side of town - which of course is the more expensive side, so that rules out THAT idea!!! :o( . . .ended up heading off to the grassy walking area (National Trust I think) up by the old napoleonic fort, up on the Berry Head cliffs. Had to pay an outrageous 90p (actually 80p but the machine doesn't give change!) just to park there in that near-empty car park for just one hour! . . almost as soon as I'd let Sally out of the car and off her leash, she was off!! No amount of calling would have her come back to me, which was most unusual!?? Did a bit of shouting and worried running after her (I've heard plenty of tales of excited dogs running over the cliffs to their death up there!) before I eventually realised what was going on. A Small part of the upper grassy cliff slope had been fenced off, and behind the fence were at least three, ugly, dark haired, long horned goats grazing on the meagre grass. Even 'I' could smell those goats from a distance with the on shore breeze. Sally must have been triggered by the scent of 'prey', the minute she got out of the car! She was doing her utmost to get THROUGH the wire mesh fence and have at them! What a crazy place to put goats like that - right next to a popular dog walking area - and no warning notices! If Sally had managed to get over or through that fence, horns or not, it would have been carnage and likely would have seen the lot of them (Sally included) dashed to their deaths on the rocks below! Eventually got her back on her leash and dragged her away up into the compound of the fort ruins before letting her back off. . Briefly sat on a cliff top seat for a cigarette and then managed to wander around a bit for a sight-see before Sally disappeared behind one of the ruins. Uh oh - by the time I got round, she was nowhere to be seen!! A passing dogwalker said she'd gone thataway. Oh NO!!!! Off in the distance she was doing a 'Steve McQueen' on the goats' fence again!!!! (without the motorbike - you know, 'The Great Escape' film). . more running and shouting before eventually getting her back on the lead. That was THE most disobedient she's been for a long time. Completely ignored my commands! She REALLY is a hunter/wolf just below the surface! That absolutely is why she is so 'aloof' around people and apparantly laid back about people and other dogs and stuff. Wherever we go, she isn't out for a walk and a play like a lot of other dogs. SHE is on the hunt - for prey - always!! Everything else is irrelevant to her! (The force is strong in this one, OB1! ) I'm gonna have to be real (more) careful about that! . . . eventually back to Mums. . PCd a bit before eating Mum cooked sausages, chips and peas followed by some miniature pastry tarts around 6:30pm. Mum had the same and was forced to admit that the chips WERE pretty good, and easy to do without too much mess. :o) . . . walked. PS called on the mobile mid walk, just as the batteries were liable to run out. That damned mobile needs a daily charge! Said I'd call back later . . . TVd in the garage. . touched base with PS and BB . .in for brief chats with Mum . . eventually to bed around 11pm.
10 - Woken by Sally around 6am. Feel a bit weird. Light headed and 'dull of thought' kinda. Going down with something maybe?. . walked to the woods and sat around at my usual spot for ages, trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc, etc. Totally lost! :o( . returned feeling headachey. . PCd a bit of this, although it is tempting to not bother for a while (or maybe even admit defeat and just call a halt to it. Doesn't seem much point in trying to put in all the work, just to keep a record of my rapidly oscillating mood of either down, or down about as far as I can go and still be able to just about come back! ( 'S.' ideation is pretty much a constant right now. My conclusion when dealing with that is, I'll at least have to wait until I've got rid of the house. It'd be far too much hassle for everyone if I baled in the middle of it all and left them to sort it all out. :o( ). . moved into the garage to PC some more. It's actually more comfortable sat on the old post office counter chair out there than it is all folded up on the footstool in the bedroom - and I can chain smoke out there of course. . . PCd until around 1pm and then stopped for Mum made beef sandwiches, crisps, a banana and a little chocolate . . .napped but only managed less than an hour until shortly after 3pm when I was woken by what turned out to be the mobile phone ringing and then taking an ansaphone message. Tried to get back to sleep but couldn't and ended up checking out the message. Turned out to be the call I'd been expecting from PC Dawe, although I confess I HAD expected it a lot sooner than a month later! Hi Terry um it's PC Dawe here from Fishponds police station um sorry it's taken a while to return to your call. I've just been waiting for um Phil Thorne to view the CCTV and we have viewed it now but unfortunately he hasn't been able to identify any one in particular, which is unfortunate. I was hoping he might be able to um I forget the name of the lad you said about but I've asked him about that as well and unfortunately he doesn't have any sort off further details on him um however if his name crops up he's gonna let me know straight away um I'm sorry that we haven't been a little more help to you but I hope you're getting on ok um and you've got my number if there's anything else I can do to help. Ok, thanks very much then. Byee. . tried getting back to sleep but my headache was worse and I couldn't. Felt pretty bloody angry too. Attempted to call her back but of course had to go through the switchboard and get put on hold and then just got put through to her voicemail service. Tried to leave a message but became convinced by the way the thing acted (long hum instead of a beep, followed by just an echo of me) that it wasn't actually taking my message - and if not, how would I ever know?! Ended up goping through it all three times before simply demanding that the switchboard operator write down my message and pass it on. I want my CCTV videos of that night, returned to me, as she once assured me they would be. I can't help myself thinking they won't be, for some incompetant reason. We'll see. . . PCd this in the garage some more, trying to calm down. Nothing else I can do really. Yet again, I'm on hold, my whole life is in the balance, awaiting 'the outcome' of things that will decide my fate, over which I have no control. On this occasion the house sale. It could still all fall through. Until it's sold and the money is in the bank, there's nothing I can do but sit around, up tight, holding my breath, hoping that nothing bad happens - and boy can I imagine all manner of bad that COULD happen, to complete my ruin! :o( . . . walked in the drizzle. . . TVd the Johnny Kingdom on Exmoor program. .touched base with BB . . ate Mum made corned beef sandwiches and then bowls of corn flakes . . to bed not long after.
11 - Up 'late' around 7am . . .walked to the woods, down to the beach to let Sally swim and then back through the woods, with a lot of sitting around smoking along the way. Found 2p. . . just sat around in the garage, pointlessly. Mum seems a bit 'spikey'. I'm 'in the way'. . received a letter from my solicitor. It contained a copy of a reply to the prospective buyer's solicitor, giving my answers to their questions and requests for certificates and guarantees and such. Dated yesterday! Well so much for speeding things along! Another week+ of torment gone by for that! :o( . . Oops - missed the eleven o'clock rememberance silence thing. . . ate Mum made ham and salad sandwiches . . tried to nap . . DS called to touch base . . .napped briefly . . just sat around, pointlessly some more . . put in some time (and money - agonisingly slow on a dial up, on Mums phone bill!!) trying to laboriously look up a few of the IPs from the handful of people who mailed me enquiring as to why the site had been deleted. Worked out from their locations that some were probably 'safe', and sent a couple of mails with the password to here, for what it's worth. Pointless really, but I feel I just need 'someone' to know what's happened. . .walked in a hint of drizzle. Found a penny. .lots of notices have been pinned up on lamp posts around the area advertising some sort of full-monty male stripper event at a local pub in December! Seems a bizarre area to put on such a show. Can't imagine how the car park will have enough room for all the old lady pensioner's zimmers and electric wheelchairs!! . . ate Mum cooked thai cakes (should really have been fried I think but she did them in the oven) , oven chips and peas, before heading back out to sit quietly in the cold of the garage all evening. Ended up watching some sort of bloody, drama-documentary all about the battle of the Somme. Horror. Suited my mood. . . poor BB called but I had nothing to say again and pretty quickly got off the phone. . eventually went into the warm with Sally, and to bed around 10:30pm.
12 - Woken around midnight by a nightmare! Something to do with being smothered by someone!? . . up around 6am. . .walked to the woods and sat around for absolutely ages, before all the way back, and then more pointless sitting in Battery Gardens. Found 5p. Hardly seems worth picking up the small change I find like that anymore, given the thousands of pounds I've lost on the house if this sale actually goes through (oh god PLEASE!). I reckon I've lost anywhere up to 20k on my house, compared to what I may have got if I'd been able to safely stay and do the work and market it at full value. I'm leaving everything IN it - fridge freezer, cooker, washing machine, beds, tables and chairs, sofa, lamp shades, ladders, cement mixer, garden furniture, etc, etc, etc. I've nowhere to put any of it and have concluded it just isn't worth the cost/hassle of trying to get it, move it and keep it all somewhere. The remains of my life are just the mostly useless rubbish and knick knacks I have in the cardboard boxes in Mums garage (no doubt all being destroyed by the damp). :o(. . . PCd a bit of this. . . messed around with one of the base units of my triple handset chordless phone. I'd had to cut the wire off when I 'salvaged' it from the house, rather than spend ages dismantling it to get it through the unit I'd wired it through. Managed to dismantle it, desolder the cut off bit and re-solder the cable back in place all ok . . sneaked out and had a quick go at tightening up the double glazed window handle mount on the open living room window, without Mum seeing. The handle mount on almost every window in the place has become loose over time and simply needs the two screws tightening. Mum spotted me doing 'my' bedroom window and had to be carefuly introduced to the idea. The improvement seemed to meet with approval so I was allowed to do (oh SO carefully!) a bunch of the others. . buoyed by the success, I played around with the side gate. The 'jam' - the piece of old rotten wood screwed to the side of the house had become loose and the gate hasn't been closing properly for ages and has been jamming and become warped as a result! Dug out the wooden plugs Dad must have made to protect the screws, and tightened them all up. Slightly straightened out and moved the bent catch and the bolt and oiled everything up, and despite one of the hinges proving to be partially rusted away/broken, managed to get it back working like it should. That'd been driving me crazy since that was my route out to walk Sally twice a day, and meant a twice daily battle just to get through it! . . briefly had a poke at the front garden gate, and put another couple of washers from Dads garage collection, on the hangers to raise the ill fitting slump a little. Filed just a little of the rusty metal away where it jams, but couldn't really do a proper job. Needs a couple of touches with the angle grinder and I think that would be too much for Mum to handle at the moment! lol Felt better for having something to 'do'. . . . ate Mum made ham and salad sandwiches with two bags of crisps followed by loads of biscuits . . .napped for almost a couple of hours . . had a bath and then had a look at tightening up the taps as Mum had suggested I could. Oh dear - the underside of the tap handle is actually broken! Worse than that, it feels to me as though they need dismantling and may actually need the whole valve assembly renewing as well!! Tried to explain to Mum, managed to put the broken handle bits back in place, and just tightened it and left it at that for the time being. If I start getting serious with it and break something and need to race out for a replacement somewhere (and down here I have no idea where) it'd be a nightmare for Mum - and probably worse for me!! . . . walked and got talking quite a bit to a couple of dog walkers. They made the innocent mistake of asking me what I was doing down here, so they had to hear my tale! . . . ate Mum microwaved tinned spaghetti bolognese, with grated cheese and four pieces of bread and butter. . .retreated back to the garage for coffee, some coffee flavoured swiss roll, and chain smoking while watching the brutal indifference of nature on Planet Earth on TV. A huge pride of lions killing an elephant to eat!! Hard to watch, that! I identified with the elephant. :o( . . touched base with BB . . . eventually back in and to bed by around 11:15pm. s
13 - Up around 6am . . .walked to the woods and back in a light drizzle. . Feel really up tight about everything again. My situation is so, SO vulnerable at the moment. I think I need to go visit the house pretty soon to make sure it is still intact and secure, and to maybe grab a couple of things, although I'm not sure what that would resolve!! I really want to salvage my CCTV camera at some point if I can (!???), but that's gonna be a real pain. I'll have to lift floorboards to remove the cables, get the ladders up outside to remove the actual camera, etc etc - and for all that I'll need a selection of my tools. Not sure which ones until I get there to do it, so sorting out tools to take back up for the job is gonna be a major headache in itself. . yeah, pretty down mood today. :o( . . . PCd this in the garage. Mild but depressing drizzle and wind outside. . .used the 'calling card' I'd picked up at the little local pet store the other day and rang up and ordered a 15kg sack of PAL complete. They'll deliver it on Friday (!!), but of course it's a lot more expensive than I usually pay. What the hell - saves me the hassle of heading out in the car looking for somewhere else to buy it. . persuaded Mum, actually without too much difficulty, to let me have a look at the 'grinding' bath taps. Very anxious having to do something like that for up tight Mum, with the ever present possibility something could go wrong and I'd have to rush out for replacement parts! Thankfully it went ok, despite the stop tap not fully shutting off the incoming water supply! Despite this being a REALLY soft water area (almost impossible to get the soap off your hands when you wash them), all the mechanisms were caked in 'rock'. Took them both apart and 'descaled' them with wire wool etc, before greasing them just a touch and putting them all back. Not 'much' of an improvement but maybe just a little. . .walked with the broken tap handle collet from one of the taps, round to what turned out to be a local general builders merchant. Not the sort of place that would be liable to have one, and sure enough they didn't. I rather suspect that silly bit of plastic is gonna be perculiar to the 'no longer made' tap tops, and won't be replaceable anywhere. Think she'll have to eventually just get a whole new bathroom of matching tap tops to replace them. .stopped at a store for coffee supplies. No big tins like I'm used to, but they DID have a '2 for 6' special on large jars, so I bought four!. . returned and put the broken bits back in place (still 'just' ok for the time being) and refitted the tops and left it for some other time . . . ate Mum made ham and salad sandwhiches with crisps and then a little chocolate . . . napped . . . walked in the damp. . ate four small Mum cooked burgers with peas and oven chips, followed by a few almond pastry slices . . . TVd and chain smoked in the garage . . . BB called . . to bed around 11:30pm.
14 - Woken by Sally around 5:20am!? . . snoozed on until up around 6:45am . . .walked in the drizzle and wind. Some lady dog walker told of how her daughter's relationship had failed and how she was currently back at home living with her, hoping to get a job and somewhere to live etc. Turns out, one of those really expensive luxurious camper vans that's been parked at the side of the road near Battery Gardens since I've been down here, is her daughters! Just parked there, unused, waiting for her to sell it. Circa 40k!! For a camper van, just left at the side of the road!!! Wonder why she doesn't live in it? Crazy. Everyone has their own 'stuff' going on. Weird. :o( From the few chats I've had and overheard, I'm getting the impression this is a pretty 'Conservative' area . . PCd a bit of this in the damp garage. Good grief! Just looked back at my own journal and realised this house sale business is only about two weeks along!! Feels as though it's been two months already!! Crushing weight/wait! :o( . . PCd a bunch, messing around starting the long job of bringing my 'hood' page up to date . . . ate Mum made luncheon meat sandwiches with crisps and then a few biscuits . . . received a phone call (from the Nationwide building society I think it was) mid afternoon, letting me know they were the surveyor for the prospective purchaser and seeking to make an appointment to inspect my house. Suggested it would be easiest if they got the keys from the estate agent and did it whenever was convenient. I 'think' they said that was fine and it would be tomorrow, but I seem to be unable to concentrate and take in such details at the moment, and aren't 'entirely' sure!!! Oh dear. REALLY up tight now. I've convinced myself that any surveyor walking into the place in its current condition, will probably pretty much condemn the place as unfit for human habitation, report back accordingly, and scupper any chance of the sale going through! On top of that of course, I haven't been up there for a while and have no idea what state it 'could' be in now! :o( . . napped . . walked . . ate Mum heated steak and kidney pie, mashed potatoes and peas . . . TVd in the garage until bed around 11pm.
15 - Up just before 6am . . .walked the woods (The 'Grove' apparantly) and back in gusty winds and a sprinkle of rain. Sat under the cover of one of the old ruined lime kilns for my smoke . . sat around headachey and anxious . received 150 premium bond wins in the mail. So what! :o( . . . PCd a bit of this. . .TVd in the garage watching such daytime TV delights as 'Homes Under the Hammer' etc. Those programs make me feel sick now of course, and I generally have to avoid them. I must be the only person in the world to 'have made' a huge loss on selling his home! (I hope!) :o( . . very headachey and just longing to be unconscious. . bit of a 'heated' conversation with Mum about all the stuff I brought down from my freezer. Aside from the horror it caused her to find all that low quality cheap stuff I have to buy, she's spotted that the sell-by dates on everything are passed and wanted to throw it all away!! NO! I'll eat it. It'll be fine! . . Ate a little early, Mum made luncheon meat and salad sandwiches with crisps and then a handful of biscuits with coffee and smokes in the garage. . . napped . . .sat around in the garage until time to walk. Sis1 texted on the mobile just saying the house looks ok. Guess she did a drive past. Thankful for that . . walked. VERY breezy with drizzle. Sat in one of the old pill boxes for a while for a smoke. The old gun emplacement appears to be a favourite haunt for drinking youths, and was left with the concrete bench moved, full of tea-light candles, drink containers and rubbish again. Idiots even down here. Yes, it IS a neat place to sit and drink and smoke with your mates - so don't s**t it up like that! :o( Wonder who'll clear it all up? Not me - not now. (although I am finding it hard to resist!!) . . back to the garage to feed Sally and recover with cigarettes and coffee, while accomodating-Mum prepares my evening meal! She keeps asking before I set off to walk, what I'd like to eat. Her theory being that with all this going on, eating is the only pleasure I have. Actually, sorry Mum, no. With all this nightmare, worry and stress slowly crushing me to death, there is NO pleasure in ANYTHING for me right now (except sleep) - least of all food. Just a hassle I have to do. That's life isn't it. Just a hassle I have to do. . ate mashed salmon and chopped onions with peas and chips, and then a bar of chocolate . . . TVd another evening away in the cold garage. My excuse to Mum for being out there all the time, rather than in 'my' room or keeping her company, is my need for chain smoking. In reality, it has much more to do with wanting to be quiet and ALONE! Closest I can get to having just a tiny piece of my life back. What F****** misery this is! :o( Guess at some point I should think about registering with a doctors surgery somewhere (but where?!?) to maybe give me the 'prozac option' if I start to 'lose it'. Trouble is, I just can't face what that would entail - all that having to try and explain 'my stuff' from scratch again, to someone who just won't 'get it', etc etc. Blah, blah, f***ing blah. . to bed around 11pm. as
16 - Woken by Sally around 6am!? . . .walked 'the Grove', Battery Gardens, and back in the rain . . . PCd this . . received mail from my solicitor. Apparantly the buyers solicitor had replied again regarding my inability to provide Building Regulation Approval for the works carried out to my house such as the skylights, replacement double glazed windows, etc. Apparantly I am being called upon to provide a Building Regulations Indemnity Policy!!???? Huh? Went straight in to phone him to find out what it was all about. He suggested it was required because I didn't have the now required certificates for everything, and would likely only cost a relatively small amount (35 - 37) so I should simply offer to pay for it, since in the grand scheme of things it was a small amount. I agreed. With him 'trapped' on the phone with me, I insisted (he had rejected my earlier attempts when I first spoke with and 'signed up with' him) on telling him the full background behind my sale and the circumstances I am now in (actually in the hope that it would encourage him to act swiftly with everything). Uh oh. That all DID have implications for some form or other which I've not had sight of! In the sellers property information pack I'd filled out, I'd quite honestly stated I did NOT have ANY problems with any of my neighbours. The fact that I DID have problems with others 'further afield' WAS something that MUST be disclosed to the buyers solicitor! (For christsake! If he'd let me tell him all this in the first place without saying he didn't want to know, I wouldn't be in such a dodgy position now would I!) He attempted to suggest what wording he could use to explain that it was ME who was the target for the trouble, not actually 'the property', and since I'd left the property there had been no further incidents. Well I reckon that is very liable to be the final nail in the coffin of any possible house sale!! :o( If I was the buyer and someone came to me half way through the process and sprung that on me, I'd pull out straight away. I'm screwed aren't I. Just totally screwed. Despair! See - I knew I should have just 'thrown it away' at auction. Guess I'll be going that route in the end anyway now, and just be thankful for anything I can get! :o( . . PCd updating my hood page some more, based on the entries I DID bother to include in my journal (many I didn't), to reflect the 'breakdown of society' in the area. LONG job. Blimey - even 'I' am amazed at what I've been putting up with. When it's layed out like that, it really does seem to be quite a bit for just one guy to have experienced/suffered!!!. . received a call from the Estate Agent asking if I'd received a survey yet!? Well didn't SHE know? She eventually called me back confirming it HAD been done yesterday, and there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait. . . more 'Hood' summary PCing. Shame I haven't enough webspace left to upload all the images, video etc, but I just haven't - and without a broadband connection there's no way I could possibly reinstate it all using Mums expensive slow dial-up anyway. :o( . . ate Mum made something or other and salad sandwiches . . decided what the hell else have I got to lose, and surfed onto the BBC Panorama website and did a tentative e-mail (absolutely NOT for publication on the web!) suggesting I had a tale to tell and would supply this web address and password for 'evaluation' if one of their researchers replied to me. Dunno if this is an unwise move or not - or indeed if my nightmare is 'worthy' of wider interest as a warning of what's 'really' going on out there , but - well - I did it anyway. . . PCd more until my anxiety and headache got the better of me and I HAD to lay down to sleep. .woke around 5:30pm . Mum'd been down town and had tales of how there had been two handbag snatches somewhere down there!! Blimey! Who'd have thought someone would do that down here! It really IS everywhere isn't it. :o( . . . walked. Sky had cleared for a bit and the temperature had dropped to mid single figures. . sat around in the dark at different seats lots for ages. By the time I returned Mum was all concerned and had even considered going out looking for me!! Don't you EVER! was my stern response. .Mum had spoken with Uncle T returning his ansaphone call from earlier. (The first contact since he refused to let me, BB and Sally stay in his cottage after fleeing my house.) Apparantly he didn't want to talk about any of that, and again made 'comments to suggest' that he had refused because of the yobs that can be found near his cottage, as though I would instantly attract them to attack his cottage! What that suggests to me (and small things others have said, supports my conclusion) is that people hearing my tale see it as all my own doing. I have somehow brought it all on myself, and it wouldn't have happened to them. Very hurtfull. . . felt a bit nauseaus, had no appetite and after a considerable well meaning argument with Mum about what I could eat, retreated to the cold of the garage with three small Mr Kipling apple and pastry pies, coffee and cigarettes. . TVd . .BB called but by then my mood had worsened and I had only a couple of words for her before wanting off the phone. Sorry - again. :o( . . . eventually retreated from the garage into the warm with Sally. Checked e-mail and found a reply from a BBC person! Hands shaking - sent them the link and password. Well - make of all that what you will! :o/. . ate a couple of bananas to enable sleep around midnight or later.
17 - Disturbed nights sleep with some thunder and lightening here and there. .up just before 6am. . .walked in the wind and rain and couldn't face the long walk and just headed for Battery Gardens. As I entered the park, a police car pulled up on the road and a policeman got out and disappeared walking around the corner along the high coastal road. Shortly after as I walked, the heavens opened and there was a torrential downpour of rain and hail. Got drenched and rushed to sit in one of the pill boxes for a damp cigarette. The rain eventually eased and I made my way up to the covered seats for another sit and smoke. (I just couldn't resist it on the way up - after making sure the coast was safely clear, I cleared up all the litter in the old gun emplacement and relocated the two full carrier bags to the refuse bin.) . As I sat, another police car or two turned up in the road above me, together with a coastguard landrover and trailer and various associated people, 'roping up'!? . eventually heading back past them on my usual Sally walk route, I couldn't resist (nauseating) and had to ask what was going on. They seemed reluctant to tell me but eventually one of them said 'there was a woman on the cliffs, and the police were talking to her now'. It was around eight o'clock. I wished them good luck and carried on away, past the police road block, suprisingly fighting back tears! The sun eventually peeked out from behind the golden edged storm clouds, and a rainbow curved across the sky, as the rush hour commuters found their route inexplicably closed to traffic and angrily did impatient 'U' turns. . . strange feeling. Much sadness and compassion. . . PCd this in the garage as the rain fell heavy . (I wonder what happened. I wonder what happened. I wonder what happened!!!!) . . . cut my hair . . . ate Mum made pate and salad sandwiches . .TVd briefly . napped until woken around 4:15pm by the solicitor calling to say they had a copy of a letter they'd sent to the buyers solicitor, and did I want them to post it or - I said I'd be straight down to pick it up. . walked straight down with Sally. The letter included - "Whilst our client has confirmed that no disputes or complaints have arisen with neighbours in respect of the property itself, nor has he received any notices, again in relation to the property, he has suffered victimisation from certain individuals who we are instructed do not reside in the area. Due to this behaviour it was necessary for our client to vacate the premises resulting in the present sale. Our client has requested us to point out that the difficulties which have arisen are purely personal to him and nothing to do with the property itself." Not the wording I would have used - but they are the experts, so I guess it's basically accurate. :o( . returned to Mums via the harborside walk. .a quick coffee and a bit of TV waiting for the dog food delivery. Sure enough, they arrived around the time they said they would complete with the 17kg sack of PAL complete for 18.49. . walked . .ate Mum cooked bacon, egg and baked beans with two pieces of bread and butter while watching the 'Johnny Kingdom on Exmoor' program. Nothing much else worth watching tonight what with all that nauseating 'children in need' stuff going on for hours. . touched base with BB while struggling to stay awake. . to bed around 10:30pm.
18 - Up before 6am . . 3 degrees C and a bit of frost on the ground here and there. Walked to the woods for much sitting around with cigarettes again . . .fired the car up, just to make sure it still does . .walked with Sally down to the building society and banked my 150 premium bond wins. Sat around on one of the benches in town reading through a free property paper before heading back down towards the harbor. Treated myself to a bag of chips, only to find they actually weren't that pleasant. Disappointing. Sally had her fair share. . .back to Mums for a couple of sausage rolls and then a couple of hours nap. . . walked and sat around a lot . . .ate four sausages, baked beans and mashed potatoe with chopped onion. . . TVd in the garage . . . BB called . . .eventually to bed around 11pm.
19 - Up around 6:30am. . . walked. Approaching BGdns it became apparant from the sight of more police cars that the road was closed - again - for the same reason I think - again!! I get the impression from something a dog walker said, that maybe that same woman does the same thing pretty often! And there was me thinking 'society' stepped in to prevent such things happening over and over again. Wrong again. . walked down along the harbors edge to see if there was any sign of whatever was going on from below, but there wasn't. Actually turned out to be a stunning blue sky sunny morning so decided to keep walking and head out around the marina and along the breakwater to the end and back ("I'm on the road to nowhere . . ") messing around with the camcorder as I went. On the way round, before I'd even reached the inner harbor, some guy was fishing from the footpath and had just caught another mackrel to go with the others he already had in a carrier bag! Blimey - never seen anyone catching an edible haul there before. Food for thought. I'd have to try that (free meal?) if I lived down here. . . by the time I was heading back, Sally's (rheumatic?) limp had reappeared in ernest. I'm not even able to care for her properly any more am I. :o( . .coffee and biscuits in the garage . . sinking mood. . ate Mum made corned beef and salad sandwiches with a bag of crisps. . locked myself and Sally away in solitude in the bedroom and TVd/sat in despair/napped. Turned into a 'losing it' sort of day, moodwise! I don't 'belong' down here. I don't 'belong' anywhere. Never have. Never will now. Book me a road closure and a place on the clifftop! :o( . . . walked and got caught out in the cold rain without a coat. . Sis1 and Sis2 called to touch base. Hid myself away out in the garage and left Mum to chat with them. . .TVd in the garage and watched the last of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy . ate sausage rolls, a pork pie and some chocolate . . BB called but I wanted to watch the film and soon said goodbyes . . eventually moved with Sally into the relative warmth of the bedroom to watch the end of the film, which seemed to drag on, nauseatingly sickly sweet for at least thrity minutes more than necessary. . to sleep around midnight. s
20 - Up slightly later near 7am . . . walked in the showers. Sat in the woods for my cigarette with Sally, some other dog walkers dog wandered by carrying a dead squirrel in its mouth! There have been noticeably less squirrels down there of late. :o( . . weird!? Spotted a proper army type smoke grenade laying in the woods! Gave it a careful prod or two with a stick, but I 'think' it was a used one. . . sat around, aimless, waiting . . .PCd this. Well, as far as I can tell by checking out the IPs, the 'Panorama' people had the briefest of looks at my hood page the other day - and that was that. So, I presume nothing I've been through is 'worthy' of their attention. Not sure what to make of that (although WAS trying to prepare myself for that seeming inevitability). Just kinda feeds in to my crushing realisation that the 'society' I thought I lived in, really doesn't actually exist. I was totally, TOTALLY fooled, and it's cost me everything I ever worked for. It was ALL for nothing. All of it. All those years of self denial and hardship, all that scrimping and saving, all those years of going without, never asking anything of anyone. All for absolutely nothing. It's like my whole life up to this point was for nothing. All gone, overnight - and now I am even an irritating burden and a drain on others! What place is there for me in such a world? Damned if I can think of one. So - just another f***ing day then! :o( Oh yeah - on the breakfast TV 'news' this morning, long articles on how clean is your fridge, and how heavy are women's handbags these days! Well - at least I'm not paying for a TV licence at the moment. . . ate corned beef sandwiches with crisps . .TVd . . napped until woken by the phone. It was PC Michelle Dawe apologising for not having gotten back to me sooner because she was away on a course. ('Caring For Defensive Shrubbery' perhaps?!!) I re-iterated that I wanted my CCTV videos back. She said she'd get them back from 'the guy that looks at them' and then took down my address again . .walked. . ate Mum made four sausages, peas and chips. . TVd in the garage . .BB called . .TVd until in to bed around 11pm.
21 - Up around 6:30am. .walked. The police had the cliff top road closed again, presumably for that same woman!!! They should let ME have a word with her. I'd be able to convince her to do it. :o( . . TVd with coffee and doughnuts in the garage . . PCd this . .balanced my accounts and terminated my cable TV direct debit. They WERE true to their word and only deducted the amount (21ish) they said they would. Phew. . snuck in and did de-scaling maintenance on the cold water bathroom sink tap while Mum was out shopping . . ate a pastie with crisps .TVd . napped . TVd . walked . ate Mum cooked bacon, egg and beans with two pieces of bread and butter . BB called briefly . TVd until bed around 11pm. s
22 - Up around 6:30am..walked..TVd . waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting. :o( . . ate sausage rolls, crisps etc for a late lunch . . . lay down to nap but couldn't and then the estate agent sales progression person called putting an end to any possibility of relaxing saying that contracts would be exchanged on Friday, and completion on the 1st. Not sure why but something about my dealings with her made me suspect that despite what she'd said, it probably wouldn't happen!. . sewed up a split in my 'thermal' hat and a button on my combat trousers . .TVd . . walked the void . . ate Mum cooked cold corned beef, peas and chips . .BB called . . . TVd until bed around 11pm. s
23 - Terrible nights sleep woken by Sally here and there. Eventually somewhere around 3am I had to dress and let her out to use the garden! . . up late around 7:30am . . . waking up (very slowly!) with a coffee in the garage, my solictor called to confirm what the estate agent had said yesterday. That the buyer was looking to exchange contracts on Friday etc. He reiterated in our conversation that the place would have to be left completely empty! Uh oh! He suggested I should make contact with the buyer through the estate agent to see if I could get away with leaving everything in situ, and should get back to him later . . quickly drove Sally to BGdns for a quick walk before back to make phone calls. The estate agent person eventually called me back and I asked her to ask the buyer if she wanted any of the stuff or if I had to remove absolutely 'everything' (including all the paint, timber cement mixer etc. - which would surely be useful to a buyer?)! She soon called back saying the woman would be viewing the property again on Saturday to 'see exactly what she was taking on', and she'd have to let me know on Monday - although she DID want the cement mixer (which 'I' am gonna take to mean the ladders as well!). Damn. So, that actually just resulted in me having even less time to sort things out!! Dunno how I'm gonna shift stuff at such short notice. May have to hire a van yet - but even then, on my own is gonna be tough! Damn, damn, damn. I should have just emptied the place long ago and been done with. Obvious I suppose, but somewhere in my mind I think I got kinda wrapped up in the 'auction' type mentality where it would have been ok to just leave everything in there. Oh well. Come what may, I'll do what has to be done. I'm NOT gonna have the whole thing fall apart just because of a couple of beds and a sofa etc. At the worst, I'll cut the stuff up (if I can!!) into Fiesta sized pieces and do multiple trips to the tip!! :o( . . called the solicitor back, told him what had been said and advised him that the proposed completion on the 1st of December was ok by me. . . PCd this . . very up tight trying to figure out how to dump my stuff. Phoned a house clearance place in Easton and arranged for them to come see if they wanted any of it at 11am tomorrow. . . sorted out some tools to take up (hammers, disc cutter and saws being first choice). . . ate sausage rolls and crisps . .napped - eventually. My mind was racing! . woke after less than a couple of hours overheating in the middle of dreaming! (In the dream, I was in some sort of hotel type restaurant, Sally was running around amongst the people playing with another dog, I was explaining to the waiter I didn't want the food because it wasn't included in the price, and I couldn't afford it because I was facing financial ruin! Really!!) . . TVd in the garage. Intermitant heavy rain storms blowing through all day. . walked . . .ate Mum made tinned salmon, peas and chips . . . BB called . . . TVd until setting the alarm and then bed around 11pm.
24 - Up before the 6am alarm. . drove to BGdns with Sally for a quick walk. After Sally had jumped down from the back of the car, her limp appeared to be far worse. So bad in fact that she didn't seem able to put any weight on it at all!!!!! Had a good look at her but couldn't find anything wrong, but still she could hardly walk. Had another good look and eventually found something in her paw (NOT the source of her previous limp). Good grief! I drew out a needle sharp piece of stiff pine needle about two inches long from the flesh between her toes! Jeeze - no wonder she was limping! As soon as I'd drawn it out, without any complaint from her, she was back up and chasing squirrels like nothing had happened. . .loaded tools and stuff into the car and was on the road before 8am . . stopped at the Taunton Deane motorway services for a comfort break on the way up and filled up with gas on the way out.(25.3ltrs @ 23) . . moved stuff around waiting for the furniture guys. Managed to get the heavy metal pedestal and large metal chest of six drawers from my computer desk, down into the living room together with the two cane conservatory chairs. The furniture guys phoned and then turned up, only to quickly say that they weren't interested in ANY of it!!! Usual nonsense about whether or not the perfectly useable living room three piece sweet and the two divan bed matresses were 'fire resistant foam' or not! Without the appropriate stickers attached, current laws state they can't be re-sold! That forced me in to asking if they'd be interested in me paying them to remove it, but they weren't even interested in THAT!! Blimey - now I'm in the cart! . . briefly ummd and ahhd about what to do, before deciding that I really now had absolutely NO choice. :o( . . the next few hours were just a blurr of loading stuff single-handedly into the car and driving to the Mangotsfield council tip for disposal. Quite a struggle getting the metal desk cabinets into the back of the car on my own, but I HAD to manage it - and did in the end without 'too' much complaint from my hernia site. Cut up the old style metal 'bunk' bed frame from above the computer desk and my chrome and glass coffee table with the disc cutter out on the patio, and got that to fit in the back of the car. The actual computer desk chipboard surface, I snapped into pieces by propping it against the single bed and jumping on it! Other bits and pieces of junk from under the stairs and my tool cabinet etc etc filled any remaining spaces in the car on each trip. Sawed the cane conservatory chairs into car sized pieces with a hack saw. Managed to get all the living room three piece and cane chair cushions crammed into the car in one go, for another drive to the trip. The wooden three piece frames were hammered and sawed into pieces on the patio for another trip with other stuff. LOTS of hard work, LOTS of trips to the tip - in excess of at least one per hour - turning my worldly goods to rubbish! Sawed the bay window stereo/TV pine stand I'd spent all that time and trouble making, into three pieces to get it in the car. :o( . . On the multiple trips to the tip I had to drive past someone who was moving house. They had a big hire van and were loading all the contents of their house into it. That made me feel a bit angry/jealous/depressed/etc etc . :o( . . on the way back from one of the tip trips, some young kid was near the front of what I assume was his house, and a bouncy labrador puppy was out on the grass verge next to the busy traffic!! I slowed right down and held my breath as I passed, and then continued to watch in my rear view mirror. AGONY as the puppy ran away from the kid as he ran towards it, and straight out into the busy road. It made it all the way across to the white line in the middle of the road before sliding to a halt and bouncing off the rear wheel/wing of the car some distance behind me! I think I actually shouted 'NOooooo!!!" out loud as I watched in agony! Pulled over onto the verge a short way up the road and got out to see if the dog was ok. I think it mostly was, because it appeared to have vanished with the kid back into the house. The car it hit (trade plates) had pulled up behind me and the driver was inspecting his rear wing. "Is it ok?" I asked. Lightly rubbing his hand over his paintwork, he said he thought it was. I didn't say anything else to him - but 'I' meant the dog you fool! . . the chimney of a house, over the road and a few doors up seemed to be smoking a lot as I loaded the car up - again. It was very windy, and SO much thick white smoke was coming out of the chimney, it was blowing down into the surrounding streets and making it almost impossible to see the opposite side of the road!! Normally I guess I would have 'done the right thing' and started banging on doors and maybe calling the fire brigade and all that, but, under the circumstances, after all I've been through there - I didn't. Terribly wrong but I just turned my back, ignored it and carried on with what I was doing! See how I've changed! See how it works? The breakdown of society! Awful. :o( . . Some passer by in a car stopped and called the fire brigade, while others knocked on doors and drew the householders attention etc etc. All seemed to be much ado about nothing and the fire engine wasn't there for more than ten minutes. Actually, I reckon whoever lived there was burning stuff they shouldn't have been! Probably all the recent nonsense about only emptying the bins once a fortnight, encouraging them to attempt to find another way of disposing of their rubbish. . . stopped at some point for just long enough to eat the few pasties and sausage rolls Mum had sent me up with. . called it quits mid afternoon with the living room clear except for my old computer chair. All that's left IN the house now (not including the 'white goods' in the kitchen and the two sets of pine tables and chairs, which ARE to be included in the sale as per my property sellers statement) is the double divan bed, the single divan bed (both complete with matresses), the big metal roller shutter (tool) cabinet in the conservatory and various bits of timber etc. . . . being at the house at all now, is a horrible, up-tight, worrying experience of discomfort, with my lock-knife always close to hand. Hell - if I could have done what needed to be done, unseen in the cover of darkness in the early hours of the morning, I would have!! :o( Just to increase my unease, as I was loading stuff into the car at one point, a yob, 'smiling', passed down the opposite side of the street and started tapping away a text message on his mobile phone! :o( . .with as much done as I possibly could, the house did actually look 'fairly' empty for the buyer to look at. The matresses and the metal tool cupboard are gonna be the hardest things to shift if I have to. . hastily loaded 'salvageable' stuff into the car (VCR, CCTV portable TV monitor, etc, etc etc), and was back on the road and away, in the rainy dark by 4:30pm. Didn't get far before the rear view mirror fell off the windscreen!! Bugger! You'd have thought that guy who replaced the windscreen would have included a new one of those little stupid sticky foam pads in the deal, rather than just 'hope' the old, ripped-off-the-old-windscreen one would serve! Cheapskates! . Pulled over and did my best at sticking the thing back on, together with an awful looking mess of sticky tape to give it a little extra support. Useless and floppy, only giving a good view of the gear lever! Oh well. . . back at Mums by 7pm, utterly exhausted. I did a LOT of work today. A LOT - and my back has suffered as a result!!!. . a quick coffee then walked Sally in the gale . . ate Mum cooked three cheese burgers and a little chocolate . . . TVd in the garage. . Bb called . . .early to bed utterly, UTTERLY exhausted and aching all over!!!
25 - Awake before 6am! . . . walked to the woods in the rain . . . sat around aching - lots! . . .eventually walked with Sally down town to the small car parts place and bought two sticky pads for sticking the car rear view mirror back on the windscreen . . walked back through the town, picking up all the free property papers on the way. . Oh no! Sally pooped under the roofed area right by the harbor - with a bad stomach!! How embarassing! Did my best and got through three poop scoop bags before fleeing! Sorrrrryyyyyy everyone! :o/. . .back via the coastal path and BGdns. . . ate luncheon meat and salad sandwiches with two bags of crisps. . . napped the rest of afternoon away . . .cleaned off all the old bits of sticky foam pad and then re-stuck the car rear view mirror onto the windscreen. Seemed to work ok. . drove Sally to walk, my excuse being because I wanted to make sure the rear view mirror was ok, but really because I was just SO tired. . . ate Mum cooked ham ring, beans and fried eggs with two pieces of bread and butter. . . TVd in the garage. .touched base with BB . . to bed around midnight only to toss and turn and not be able to sleep for at least a couple of hours. Gales, thunder and lightning in the night.
26 - Woken by Sally around 6am! . . .walked to the woods. Lots of pain from my lower back, especially after having sat on a cold stone for cigarettes watching the squirrels. .Coffee, biscuits and TVd, although not really watching whatever was on, unable to get the mental rehearsal of the dismantling and disposing of the two beds and mattresses and the steel cabinet out of my mind. Round and round and round, in meticulous detail - over and over and over! Uggh. . . ate Mum made luncheon meat and salad sandwiches with two bags of crisps . . napped too briefly until woken by the phone ringing for Mum. . back out to the garage for coffee and cigarettes in front the TV. .touched base with LB (returning her ansaphone message of a couple of days ago) and asked her the favour of allowing me to temporarily put the two divan beds and/or mattresses and the big metal tool cabinet in her garden for collection by the council, if I get absolutely stuck and have no choice. She said ok. Phew. . .walked without a coat in the blowing rain . .eventually back with a deteriorating mood. I just feel so, oh SO utterly exhausted. All the work and worry of the last few weeks getting to me - and on top of that all the walking I'm doing for Sally! Each twice daily dog walk is now around three times the length of what I'm used to, and takes a GOOD hour! (Down through the woods and back is a GOOD two or more.) I've developed a large pebble like pad of hard skin on the ball of my left foot, which is actually starting to hurt like hell every now and then, even if I'm not putting any weight on it!!? I may have to do a DIY operation with my lock knife pretty soon! :o( . . . ate a Mum cooked ham ring, chips, beans and eggs, followed by a miniature apple pastry pie . . .BB called . . .oh SO tired. To bed around 10:30pm.
27 - Tossed and turned and took ages to get to sleep only for it to turn into the night from hell. Woken by Sally and her upset stomach, needing to use the garden around midnight! - and then again a little before 4am! Poor dog got swore at a bit, and had her ears down all submissive like she'd done wrong! I was just so, SO tired. On top of that, my lower back was aching like hell and no matter what I did or tried, there was absolutely no way I could find any comfort laying on that 'put you up' sofa bed type thing. It seems to have a weird soft-spot type of depression half way down its length, perfectly positioned to antagonise a bad back (and isn't improved by stuffing a folded duvet cover or a pillow in it)! In utter desperation and in a filthy mood, I gave up trying to sleep and headed out to the garage with Sally and a coffee for cigarettes around 4:30am. Uh oh - Mum was awake and heard me 'milling around' and was all upset about me having SUCH a bad time trying to find some comfort! . . Moved some of my stuff around and managed to get the old single mattress flat on the garage floor amidst all the boxes. Wrapped myself in an old throw away double duvet (actually, all of my duvets are now fit for throwing away, after being used for wrapping around stuff in the car on the trips down!) , propped myself up on a couple of throw away damp pillows and finally found sufficient relief from my back to pretty quickly fall asleep. Not 'too' cold out there at the moment (apart from my nose). Slept until around 8am. . . drove Sally down to BGdns, parked up and then walked the woods and back before driving home. . . the estate agent person called mid morning saying that the contracts had NOT yet been exchanged because the buyer was still awaiting some surveyors property report pack!!!!!! (So she could STILL call it all off!!!!!! Arrrggghhh! All this never ending anxiety is SO hard to handle. I feel like a fish on a hook!) She suggested something about expecting it in the post and then faxing contracts either today or tomorrow blah blah blah. On the 'positive' side, she said the buyer had no problem with completing WITH what is currently in the property. Phew. That's a huge weight off my mind at least, assuming it won't be all called off at the last minute. She then made some comment about how as far as house sales go, mine had been quite easy and painless. WHAT?! Try it from MY side lady!! . More agonising powerless waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting !!!!!!! :o( . . .Mum adamantly resisted my suggestion that I was quite happy to sleep on the mattress in the garage, and insisted on trying to sort out some way of getting the mattress into the spare room. At length, we manouvered the put you up sofa out into the cramped living room and made up my bed on the mattress on the floor of the bedroom. Oh thank god. A 'proper' place to sleep. Oh thank god. . . ate Mum made luncheon meat and salad sandwiches with two bags of crisps and then a couple of miniature apple pastry pies. . . napped (heavy dreaming again) for almost a couple of hours, with Sally led alongside me on the floor right next to the mattress. Actually I think Sally may have woken me by doing that 'on her back, legs splayed twist' (Tart!) which she does to encourage me to stroke her tummy! I obliged of course. . . back out to the garage with coffee to TV and then PC a bit of this . . .walked. Hmmm - a new for sale sign has appeared on a bungalow round the corner, which I pass every day when walking Sally - not far from the nice looking Toyota people carrier which is for sale for 2k which I've been eyeing up every time I pass by. It's one of those big six+ seaters with auto diesel which I've fancied for ages. If the seats are easily removed, it'd be a neat thing to be able to cruise around in with Sally looking for a new home - cause I reckon we could maybe both sleep in it! . . ate Mum made tinned salmon, peas and chips and then a little chcoloate . . . BB called. .TVd. .very tired, to bed by 10:30pm.
28 - A MUCh better nights sleep. Woke around 6am . . . drove Sally to BGdns for a quick walk and then back. . . sorted out tools and things to take, settled Sally in the bedroom, and eventually hit the road around 8:30am. Should have taken the 'back roads' way out of town. Immediately got stuck in the awful rush hour traffic and just crawled along for ages (getting on for 45 minutes!), before even getting out of town! Couldn't stand it and eventually baled and stopped in at a petrol station to fill up rather than do it later.(26.47ltrs @ 23). . stopped at the services on the way up . .Mum called on the mobile (really frustrating not being able to answer it as I drove) and left a message around 10:45am as I was nearing Bristol. Turned out there was mail from the solicitor. Got her to open it. Another form I needed to sign before any completion. That'll have to wait until tomorrow. .Idiots! Whoever was last in the house had left a whole bunch of the lights on, including the outside light!! Blimey - with that 150watt bulb in the 100watt maximum lampshade in the living room, I'm lucky there wasn't a fire!!! Some signs of heat damage to the shade! . . raced into the attic, lifted a floorboard and pretty quickly managed to disconnect the CCTV camera lead connector. Got the ladder up at the front and without 'too' much hassle at all, unscrewed the camera and eased the lead and socket through the soffit. Got it! Dunno why I want it - some sort of 'out of principle', or something - but I wanted to salvage it, and now I had. .locked the ladder back up in the rear yard (I'm having to leave the ladders behind cause I haven't got a roof rack! :o( ) and then back inside to attempt to salvage the 'bespoke' CCTV leads. Unscrewed the plasterboard section at the top of the stairs and somehow suprisingly was able to simply pull the cable through and all the way out from both ends, without it getting snagged and having to pull up more of the floor! Gotcha! Ha! Blimey - that was a lot easier than it could have been. Hmm - if I rush, I should be able to maybe get back down to sign that solictors letter and get it back to him today? . . raced around collecting up this and that which I wanted to salvage, and a bunch of things that I thought I shouldn't really lumber a new owner with (like the huge pile of books, plates etc I had intended to just leave there). . briefly stopped for a quick bite of the sandwiches Mum had sent me up with, before loading the car up. Well, that's pretty much everything (finally took the living room curtains and the spotlight and timer I'd had going on and off in the living room) except my computer chair. Not enough room for that so I guess that'll have to stay. .left the instruction manuals and purchase receipts etc for the fridge freezer, outside light, PIR, kitchen lights etc etc on the kitchen worktop for whoever is gonna maybe want to refer to them. . back on the road around 1:30pm . .a fast easy run straight back and arrived at Mums around 3:30pm. . dashed in to read the solicitors letter. raced up to the nearby shop to get the Manager to act as a witness to my signature, and then drove straight down to the solicitors to hand it in. Any delays in this process are not going to be of MY making! . . chats with Mum and a quick coffee and then called the estate agent to see what was going on. STILL not exchanged contracts!! Something about a cheque from the buyers chain not having gone through yet. Yeah, yeah. More delays/anxiety for me! :o( . . briefly walked with Mum and Sally down to show her the Toyota people carrier I'd mentioned and the bungalow that's now for sale. Couldn't resist phoning the relevant estate agent and asking the price. 186k apparantly - detached, two bedroom. Why so 'cheap' (it is for that type around here!!)? Uhuh - needs updating complete with a new bathroom, kitchen and central heating etc. THAT won't be for sale for long! Very attractive proposition to some lucky person with more money than I have. Shame. With what I've learned by working on MY poorly built house, working on one like that would be a breeze in comparison. :o( . . PCd this. The estate agent rang asking me on behalf of the buyer, if the fridge freezer I was leaving worked (because of blah blah blah. I didn't really listen.) Told her it does, perfectly - and that coincidentally I'd just left the paperwork for it up there today! . . Sis2 called to touch base. She's still not at all well. Ebola?!!!??!!! . . .walked . . . ate Mum cooked mini steak and kidney pies with chips . . . BB called . . TVd until bed around 10:15pm.s
29 - Up near 7am. . . walked to the woods and back . . TVd . . PCd this . . .phoned by my solicitor at midday to check that I was happy to go ahead with the exchange of contracts and completion on the 1st. I confirmed and then he said it would happen as soon as he phoned the buyers solictor back! I asked about the 'official' hand over of keys. Apparantly they are normally handed over to/by the estate agent, "but if a set of keys turn up down here before then, so be it". Hmmm! . . rushed straight down the solicitors in the car and handed over MY 'main' set of keys, and the spare front door keys Mum had. There'd better be no hickups with completion now, cause I won't be able to get back in!! (although LB and Sis1 still have front door keys I have to retrieve!). A couple more days and I really WILL be 'a 'omeless'. A strange feeling - not yet fully felt. :o( . . PCd this until afternoon . . . ate Mum made salami and salad sandwiches with crisps and then some chocolate. .around 2:15pm the estate agent woman called to make sure I'd heard. Contracts were exchanged somewhere around 12:50pm. I'm getting told how unusually 'easy' and quick it all was, and how I should be 'celebrating' kinda. Well, I guess it was quick, but it didn't feel easy to me, and no, I'm not 'celebrating'. I didn't want any of this to happen. So now what? . . .napped . . .walked . . BB called . . ate Mum cooked sausages, chips and beans . .TVd . Tonights TV schedule (all BBC1 I think) was a bit of a reality check! People getting horribly hurt in a drink drive road crash on 'Traffic Cops'. People dying of brain tumors and having nightmarish brain operations in 'The Brain Hospital'. People in desperate dire straights after having been made homeless, and getting fobbed off by the council and just about everyone else you could mention who we naively assume is supposed to help them, in 'Evicted'. I guess I DO have much to be thankful for in my situation - although I'm still rather jealous of people who happily carry on all their lives and never find themselves in the situation(s) I have! If nothing else, I do now have a rather different attitude towards people who are 'down on their luck'. I know how it can suddenly happen, to anyone, overnight! I am no longer able to so readily agree with people who've never been there who put 'all' the blame on the 'victims'. :o( . . .to bed around midnight.
30 - Woken by Sally earlier and then again and up around 7am. . .walked the woods and back in the strong wind . . .ate biscuits and sat around worrying . .estate agent called asking what electric and gas companies I was with . . ate salami and lettuce sandwiches with crisps . . . PCd . . . napped until around 6:15pm! . . . drove Sally to BGdns for walks . . . ate Mum cooked sausages, peas and chips and then a couple of chocolate biscuits . . BB called . . TVd until bed around midnight. Couldn't sleep and tossed and turned, went out for a smoke and then tossed and turned some more until way past 2am! In my head I can't stop continuing the required building work on my house!!???
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