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November
30
- Up around 7:30am. 13C in 2C out. Some sun peeking through plenty cloud. . PCd a bit of this before suddenly veering off to cram an old sleeping bag into the top of the bin and to tie into a bundle one of Bella's old duvets from the car, to leave that out next to the bin (with an old garden parasol!) in the hope it will be taken . . did a bit more laundry . Mum called to tocuh base . .yayy - all the refuse was taken no problem . . . two lady dog walkers very unexpectedly called in armed with cards and flowers, to see how I was!!

N called in briefly for a quick coffee just as they were leaving . . .more gentle pottering around cleaning up just a little . . ate a meat and pastry slice and packets of crisps . . napped . . .TVd . . B called in for chats until around 10pm . . . ate cold chicken thighs with crisps and a few jaffa cakes . . aimlessly PCd until bed around 3am.
29 - Up around 7:30am. 14C in -1C out. Some shower clouds but mostly clear. . . PCd for a bit poking at the editing of the shout back on 16th September. The one in which the guy died!! . . Mum called to touch base - I picked up . . . back to the garage to sort out more of the mess and junk up there and to fill the wheelie bin up ready for tomorrows collection. That included sawing up my rotary clothes line from the top of the garden which has finally rusted away and fallen apart. . . bolted the bits of parcel shelf car trim and the back seat back into the car. I'd taken all that out ages ago to give Bella as much safe room as possible . . . carried on gently pottering around tidying up and squeezing more bits and pieces of junk into the bin - including the old steering lock bar I've had for years. All the rubber type coating had perished and was all falling off. . wandered around the house with a damp rag quite a bit, wiping away some of the wet mud marks which cover all the door frames and walls where wet Bella would rub against them after walks etc . .

trimmed my hair and beard and then showered and got clean for the first time in ages!! . . more laundry . . .PCd a bit . . . TVd . . ate weetabix and several packs of crisps followed later by chips and chocolate biscuits . . . alseep in the chair and woke after midnight. To bed before 2am.
28 - Up around 6:30am. 14C in 1C out. Cold and mostly clear - but I don't have any reason to care anymore. . . sat at the PC for quite a while, having some bouts of tearfulness and starting the process of trying to get a handle on being 'free' and not having to go walking and face people etc . . eventually pottered around gently starting to kinda tidy up and 'de-dog' the place a bit. . . popped something up to the garage at one point only to end up sat in the sun at the top of the garden crying for quite a long while. Put most of Bella's old towels through the laundry and then sorted through all the dog toys, flea tablets, food etc etc etc littering the place. Washed out the small metal dustbin I've been storing her dry food in and her food table out in the garden with the hose. . filled the bin with all the dog toys etc and stored it out in the conservatory . . vacuumed . . napped until around 7pm . . TVd/guitarred. . . awful bouts of tearfulness and sadness to fend off, but bizarrely at times I felt entirely 'content'!???? . . . ate tuna and mayo sandwiches with crisps followed later by bowls of rice krispies and a couple of jam sandwiches . . to bed gone 1am.
27 - Poor uncomfortable broken sleep in the chair before waking before 6am. Tried to get back to sleep on the sofa but failed and ended up just sitting around stroking Bella. She appeared just a 'little' improved on yesterday (maybe), and even indicated she needed to visit the garden. Still all very wobbly and walking in a very weird lop sided wobbly way, threatening to crash into stuff, she actually managed to go out and return on her own - just. Sat around fussing her for a bit . . . PCd

all of a sudden there was what can only be described as a 'howl' from Bella downstairs at more or less precisely midday. Raced down to see what was wrong to find her curled up in her usual place (in the corner of the living room with her head poling out into the hallway to hear what I was up to) but with her head kinda curled back in an unusual way back towards the front door, and seemingly taking her last little breaths. I knelt down next to her and stroked her and felt for her absent heartbeat and cooed in her ear as she died. She 'lurched' at one point and ended up with her head back in a more normal curled up position, but with her tongue kinda hanging out, going blue. The slightest twitch from her lip and then her eyes rolled back a little and she was gone . . . rang Mum and let her know. . .

rang the vet in tears asking to cancel the phone consultation I'd arranged for this afternoon, and then broached the subject of having them pick up Bella's body to be taken away for cremation. It was the most amazing good fortune that after going away to discuss it for a brief while, the receptionist said they could fit it in and could come over right away! . . .

sat on the doorstep near Bella's lifeless body having a smoke and a cry for a while

by 12:45 the lady vet and her assistant had arrived

let Mum know

PCd and posted photos and 'tidied up' a bit on facebook before doing a 'final' post of Bella - and then turning it all off (and the ansaphone). . . TVd and sat around blubbering a bit before retreating to bed. Couldn't really sleep and ended up getting back up and just smoking in front the TV for the rest of the day I think. . . ate tuna and mayo sandwiches with crisps, chocolate biscuits and ice cream . . .very weird to be able to not have to consider having Bella there in EVERY little thing I do. I could close doors if I wanted; when getting up to make a coffee I didn't have to be careful of where I put my feet; moving my legs on the footstool or allowing a hand to drop noisily to my thigh no longer had to be done 'quietly' to avoid having her respond;

. . . . . . . .to bed before midnight.
26 - Back up around 9am after some banging noise which I assumed was from the neighbours. 14C in 5C out. Grey. . .BELLA!!!! On going downstairs to where Bella has 'recently' decided to spend the night rather than join me in the bedroom, it was quickly clear that something was VERY wrong with her.

Stroke?

managed to have a pee

gave her tablets as usual

Mum struggled down to see Bella and chat for a while . . PCd briefly but otherwise just sat around with Bella . . a hard call to make, but decided to give Bella her tablets as normal, rather than add a sudden withdrawl of her medication to her problems. She refused all treats or food! . . . cooked and ate two chicken kievs, peas and chips followed later by half a pack of jaffa cakes . . managed to help Bella to stumble and veer out into the garden and up the steps to the grass to have a pee . . asleep in the chair next to Bella before midnight.
25 - Up around 8am. 14C in 3C out. Damp but sunny . Feeling 'unwell'. . . walked BGdns and hung around in the freezing gun emplacement for ages. Dynamic skies, with big shower clouds blowing through with occasional rainbows and rain. Bella didn't seem quite so 'robust' today and was even sick just a little at one point. . PCd photo/posts for ages . . . N called in for chats until late. . ate chocolate biscuits, a whole apple pie with milk and then some weetabix. . asleep in the chair until nearly 6am before to bed!! . tossed and turned and got back up to be sick a bit before finally managing to get just a little more sleep.
24 - . . Up around 10am!! 16C in 6C out. Grey . . .walked BGdns and took photos for ages.

Ended up eventually sat in the 'rose garden' taking more until late afternoon. . needed to draw out some cash so 'dared' to venture down the harbour for the first time in weeks. Going down there HAS become something of a nerve wracking mental block for me. I simply can't tolerate being around the 'people'! Thankfully the place was something of a ghost town in the dwindling light and very chilly wind, and I was able to wander around for a short while without 'incident'. Tomorrow is the day long Xmas lights switch on event (which I shall of course avoid) and I got to see the town's Xmas tree. Oh my word, WHAT a sorry and pathetic sight THAT was! A small spindley affair, with even a broom handle strapped to the top to help support the weight of the lights!! WHAT humiliation and embarassment for 'the town' I felt! . . sat on a seat near the old coastguard station for my by now very cold coffee, and got to see a preview of the 'three ships' pontoon briefly lit up. Testing prior to tomorrow no doubt. . . drew out cash and shopped on the way home through town . . . PCd posting photos and video etc for hours. . briefly TVd and cooked and ate a pizza whilst the PC uploaded video and photos. . soon back on the PC, and then laboured hard over this morning's bit of seal footage, trying to get the software to do that 'blurring out' effect on that kids face for the first time. Very fiddly and awkward, but I managed it good enough in the end and eventually had it uploaded and shared . . in very short order some moronic woman posted a comment!

. . pushed on and did a fishing boat landing its catch post before finally going to bed to have trouble sleeping gone 3am.
23 - Woken around 6:45am by some noise or other which sounded like Bella coughing, but may have been a neighbour. 15C in 5C out. A mostly clear sky . . walked BGdns with a refuse sack and made a bee line for the gun emplacement I'd left all the bottles and rubbish in. Before reaching it, nearby on the grass was a huge blue nylon tarpaulin just laying there in the wind!??

filmed the seal briefly . . carried the heavy bag of rubbish up to the bin . . back down to sit around in the gun emplacement for quite a while before finally heading home via the local store - carrying the rolled up tarpaulin with me! . . PCd for hours posting photos and then editing the seal video etc. Eventually called it quits and set the long video upload going . . TVd . . cooked and ate a going cheap bag of fried mushrooms with half a tin of baked beans and four pieces of bread and butter followed by jaffa cakes . . immediately asleep in the chair. Woke around 4am!! Posted the seal video which had finished uploading and PCd briefly before going to bed, only to then have trouble getting back to sleep.
22 - Up around 8am. 16C in 13C out. Grey, damp and blowing. . walked Bgdns and after sitting around for a bit, had another serious bash at chopping up some of the undergrowth in front of the very lower gun emplacement and also clearing up all the eyesore litter to be found there. Damned hard work for a few hours, and I probably only largely succeeded in making it look a mess, but at least I've set back the self seeding tree growth a bit. A handful of new tree sprouts had started to grow there, which if left unattended would have spelt the end of the views in front of that gun emplacement. Ended up with a HUGE pile of cans and bottles. Far more than I'd dreamed were there, so I stashed it all in the gun emplacement for shifting tomorrow when I'll have to take a refuse sack. Sat around recovering for a while before carrying just two carrier bags of litter all the way up to the bin. A quick sit to recover on the higher seat and then straight home, soaking wet with sweat still. . . PCd . . TVd . . ate two burgers with chips and half a tin of baked beans, ice cream and a couple of pieces of bread and butter and jam . . to bed before 1am.
21 - Only managed a couple of hours sleep before waking back up!? Quickly posted the upload which had completed, turned the PC off and returned to bed to toss and turn and not be able to get back to sleep for ages. . Back up around 8:45am. 15C in 11C out. Grey. . PCd . . walked BGdns. Sat on the rocks again for ages filming the seal again. . ended up spending pretty much the whole day just hanging around down there. Cold coffee on the higher seat as light faded and then straight home . . PCd . . N called in for chats until late . . ate a meat pastry slice with two bags of crisps followed by four pieces of bread and butter with blackcurrant jam on. . to bed around 1am.
20 - Woke around 6am feeling like I was burning up and feeling rather sick. Tossed and turned for ages before managing to eventually get back to sleep. Back up around 9:30am! 15C in 12C out. Grey. . . walked BGdns. Ended up hanging around there for most of the daylight hours, taking photos, filming seal and trimming back undergrowth from the cliff edges down by the point, trying to retain the views! . eventually up to the higher seat for my cold coffee and then home via the store . . . PCd almost the whole evening through . . TVd and ate a pepperoni pizza followed by jaffa cakes . . PCd yet more until around 2:30am before to bed leaving the PC uploading video and images to FB.
19 - Woke earlier, snoozed on then up around 7:45am. 15C in 7C out. Grey. . .walked BGdns to sit around taking boat and seal pics/video etc. Trimmed some brambles from atop my favourite gun emplacement using my secateurs. Up to the high seat and then carried on along to the rose garden again to take yet more boat pics and drink my coffee etc. A man approached and said thanks for all the photos etc and shook my hand. THAT was MUCH appreciated! . Home across FGn and via the local store . .TVd . . ate a couple of frikadellan things in buttered baps, a meat pastry slice and a packet of jaffa cakes . . to bed around 1am.
18 - Up around 7:30am. 14C in 3C out. Sunny start. . .PCd boat pics . . walked Bgdns . . PCd for hours posting the backlog of recent boat pics . . . TVd . . ate a couple or microwaved 'frikadellen' things with chips, crisps and half a dozen weetabix. . .asleep in the chair, to bed around 2am.
17 - Woke earlier, snoozed on then up around 7:45am. 14C in 3C out. Sunny. . . walked BGdns and sat around for ages before heading up towards the higher seat. Used the secateurs which I'd taken with me to trim some of the annoying overgrowing brambles etc from around a path or two. . carried on along the cliff top road and sat in the little 'rose garden' park for quite a long while taking photos of boats etc. . . home via the local store. . . PCd posting photos for ages . . . TVd . . ate stew and four pieces of bread and butter. . woke in the chair and to bed around 3am.
16 - Up around 8am. 13C in 9C out. Broken cloud. . retrieved a package on next door's doorstep and took it in for when they return. . walked BGdns. A very low flying Chinnok flew all around the bay. . . home via the pet store for supplies . . . next door appear to have returned from their holiday away so I popped the package round. I also mentioned the fishing rod stuff I wanted to get rid of from the garage and ended up popping that over the fence for them to dispose of . . PCd and dared to post the Chinnook video and some stills to FB!!! . . TVd . . ate stew, bread and butter and crisps . . to bed around midnight.
15 - Up around 8:45am. 13C in 12C out. Mostly grey and damp. . . walked BGdns. A homeless guy was sleeping in 'my' usual gun emplacement surrounded by rubbish which 'irritated' me. . home via the store . . ate two chicken slice finger rolls with crisps . . napped . . TVd . . ate jaffa cakes, stew with four pieces of bread and butter and then ice cream . . to bed around 1am.
14 - Up around 7:45am. 13C in 9C out. Grey. . walked BGdns and home via the store. . .drank wine and cooked up a beef mince stew in the pressure cooker. . ate a small bowlful with two pieces of bread and butter . . napped . . . TVd but because of the rubbish that was on, somehow ended up watching a bunch of youtube videos followed by documentary etc programs streamed from one of the roku box apps!! . .ate another small bowlful of stew with two pieces of bread and butter and a pack of jaffa cakes . . .to bed around 2:30am.
13 - Up around 7:30am. 13C in 1C out. Clear sky sunny. . . walked BGdns (and dared to take a few boat photos) and eventually back via the store . . .ate beef slice finger roll, sandwich and crisps . . napped but only for a short while until around 5:30pm when I woke feeling not so good again! . . did dish washing chores . . N called in for chats intil gone 10pm . . TVd . . ate oxtail soup with the remaining beef and a couple of crusts of bread and butter followed by ice cream . . . to bed around 2am or after.
12 - Up around 7:10am. 15C in 7C out. A bit of blue sky but with some BIG shower clouds around. . back ache still! Annadin tablet for breakfast . . .walked BGdns and sheltered in the usual gun emplacement from the bitterly cold NW type strong wind and later torrential wintery showers . eventually home via the local store for a few supplies . . ate a turkey slice finger roll and crisps . . napped . . TVd the night off . .no appetite at all. Ate jaffa cakes and bowls of weetabix . . to bed around 2:30am.
11 - Up around 8:20am still feeling not so good. 15C in 12C out. Grey and damp. . . walked BGdns and sat around there mostly sheltering from the stiff cold wind in the usual gun emplacement for ages before ending up on the higher seat for my coffee for ages more. Comms on the scanner suggested a fishing boat was returning with someone on board injured or unwell and the CRTs were all called out to meet it. That was too much of a temptation for me and I ended up walking along to the cliff top 'rose garden' and grabbing a bunch of still shots with the camcorder as the 'Vanduck' came in and the casuakty was transferred by lifeboat to an ambulance . . eventually home across Fgn . . PCd and against my better judgement, ended up posting the 'story' of images to Facebook!! . . . TVd. Dunno how I did it (maybe straining to get the shots earlier over the cliff top fence?) but I seem to have pulled a muscle or something in my left lower back. Very painful. . . ate chocolate biscuits followed by Spam chopped ham and pork sandwiches with crisps and then some ice cream . . to bed before midnight.
10 - Up around 7am feeling a bit iffy. 15C in 9C out. Broken cloud. . .walked BGdns. Sheltered in the gun emplacement for a while from the cold stiff breeze before sitting on the high seat for my coffee. . poked at some weeds in the garden briefly but very soon ran out of steam. Tried to force myself to do my bills and paperwork but ended up just aimlessly surfing nothing for ages instead! . . TVd . . ate weetabix followed later by chopped ham and pork, grated cheese and mayo sandwiches and crisps . . .asleep in the chair until around 4am before to bed. Once in bed I couldn't get to sleep and ended up getting back up and rushing to the bathroom to be sick at one point!
9 - Up around 8am. 14C in 9C out. Grey. . walked BGdns and back via the store . .ate garlic sausage sandwiches with crisps . . napped . . .TVd . . .drank wine. Cooked and ate a roast chicken breast with roast potatoes, stuffing and gravy followed by ice cream . . to bed around 2am.
8 - Up around 7:30am. 14C in <4C out. Sun. . .walked BGdns and back. . pottered around acheiving nothing and vacuumed a bit . . . ate tuna and mayo sandwiches with crisps . . . napped until around 7pm . . . TVd nothing . . .ate four pieces of toast with marmalade or marmite and some chocolate biscuits. . . to bed around 1am+.
7 - Up around 7:30am. 16C in 10C out. Rain. . .walked BGdns. Shortly after leaving the house without wearing my leggings the heavens opened with some heavy blown rain and we promptly got drenched! Found 1.10 along the way. Very rare to find money around these parts. Sheltered in the gun emplacement for a while all cold and wet before eventually ending up under the roof for more sitting with my coffee. Ended up feeling utterly frozen. Straight back home in more rain. . . sat in front the fire for quite a while just trying to get warm! So much for today then! . . . ate a piece of cheese on toast and two pieces of marmalade on toast followed by a few chocolate biscuits. . . napped until around 6:30pm . . . TVd the night off. . .ate bowls of rice krispies, weetabix and then tuna and mayo sandwiches with crisps. . to bed around 1am or later.
6 - Up around 7:50am feeling rough after not much sleep. 15C in 5C out. Sunny spells. . .walked Bgdns and home via the local store and pet store for supplies. . .cut my hair, trimmed my beard, got clean and did laundry chores. . . ate corned beef sandwiches with crisps . . napped until woken by N calling in for chats around 6:30pm . . TVd . . ate ham sandwiches with crisps and then a pack of jaffa cakes . . . to bed around 2am.
5 - Up around 7am. 13C in 4C out. Sun and showers. .stiff and achey from yesterdays bit of digging activity. . .walked Bgdns . . .pottered around in the garage acheiving nothing much but a pretty full wheelie-bin already. . . aimlessly PCd . . TVd . . cooked and ate a tinned mince and pastry pie with peas and chips . . asleep in the chair until around 4am before to bed.
4 - Up around 8:30am. 15C in 10C out. Mostly grey after last nights rain . . . walked bgdns and home via the local store . . . dug out and dee weeded one of the back garden borders, and then dug a hole to take all the ash from the burner. Incredibly still glowing embers amongst that ash! Buried the ash and tidied it all back up before putting some stones from my rockpile near the garage all over the earth, in the hope of just having slightly less weeding to do there in the future. . . TVd . . .ate a pasty and crisps followed by beef slice sandwiches . . to bed well before midnight.
3 - Up around 7:45am. 15C in 10C out. Hazy sun. . quickly checked on the still hot embers in the garden burner. All 'mostly' smouldered down to just ash - but lots of it! . . .walked BGdns and home via the store. . pottered in the garage trying to rearrange stuff so I can actually get in there! Still have a big pile of timber in there, but I just can't bring myself to get rid of it in case the fence needs repair etc. . poked and prodded the glowing embers in the still hot burner at various times throughout, trying to encourage the maximum amount of the bits of charcoal to turn to dust. Finally called it quits and just left it out there with the lid on to cool down before I can figure out what I'm gonna do with all the ash when I empty it. . .ate a couple of chocolate biscuits and then napped for just a couple of hours until around 6:30pm . . DF called in for chats until before 10pm. .TVd . . ate two beef slice finger rolls with two packs of crisps followed by chocolate biscuits and then bowls of co co pops and rice krispies! . . to bed before 2am.
2 - Woke in the chair around 6pm. Went to bed but couldn't sleep and back up around 7:15am. 15C in 5C out. Hazy sun. .walked BGdns and back . . . an ENORMOUS struggle to find the energy and motivation, but managed to drag the big garden burner barrel out of the garage and sorted out a pile of bits of timber to burn. Eventually got a fire going and without 'too' much hassle or smoke managed to get it up to a good temperature to start eating its way through the scrap timber offcuts etc. Plenty more still kept in the garage for 'just in case' repairs type stuff to the fences etc. . Like an idiot I tried to quickly move the burner a few more inches away from the nearby fence just for safety at one point, and ended up burning and blistering a couple of the fingers on my right hand!! Fool! . . thankfully alerted by Bella barking that the postman had arrived to deliver the latest medication order in the middle of things. . . carried on feeding lumps of timber into the burner until around 7pm before calling it quits and putting a lid over the top to allow it to smoulder down hopefully to just ash overnight . . TVd . . ate some chocolate biscuits followed by four burgers in buttered baps and some ice cream . . .to bed around 1am.
1 - Up around 7:45am. 16C in 8C out. Mostly sunny. . . walked BGdns . . filled the wheelie bin up with a tiny fraction of the mountains of junk I've stored in the garage . . aimlessly PCd/TVd . . . ate bowls of rice krispies . . asleep in the chair.

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