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December
1 - TVd . . . CW phoned to touch base . . .when the rain had stopped I had another go at the gate project and managed to successfully do the awkward graft/welding! . . . TVd. (4/10)
2 - No rain so back into the back garden to play 'gate'. More wire brushing with the drill and . . uh oh!!!!!! The drill finally gave up. My emergency rotor bush repair seized up. Well over due. That drill has seen much punishment and abuse and was on borrowed time for the last year or more so I didn't feel too badly about it. Used the gas blowtorch to remove the last of the old paint before deciding I just couldn't live without a drill. Got the bike out and went to the Longwell Green industrial estate with the intention of buying a replacement. Wickes had little choice and was surprisingly expensive. Over the road into Homebase and they had a wide selection. To hell with shopping around. Ummd and ahhhd for ages - a drill is an important necessity of life!! - but resisted buying the fancy cheap one with all the extras. I don't know much about much but I know how to break drills. The fancy cheap one would have broken in all sorts of different ways eventually. Finally settled on a Black & Decker KR500RE. 500w, hammer action, reverse, variable speed, 13mm chuck, 27.99 - that'll do VERY nicely. All the controls were 'recessed' - ideal for abuse!! The only visible weak point was the trigger lock, which probably won't last, but I can live with that. . . with my December/Christmas budget already in tatters it was tempting to do a Mr Bean, treat it as my present to myself and wrap it up and open it on Christmas morning!!! . . . had a bit of a 'joust' with a race replica on the way home. I couldn't keep up of course, but SO wanted to catch him up and say "you may have beaten me but mine only cost 200!!<blowing raspberry>" . . . ML phoned to ask my opinion about new hard drives! What do I know?!!! . . . spent the rest of the afternoon welding and drilling. Finally gave up and started the long, long task of building up layers of weatherproofing new paint . . . hadn't eaten at all, ALL day so treated myself to a kebab and chips . . . TVd. (4/10)
3 - Phoned ML to remind him about the computer fare which is on today and suggest he go and have a look . . . PCd . . . went out to put a bolt through the gate post into the wall to stop it bending under the weight of the gate. The drill made light work of the hole through the metal and into the wall but the old wall plugs were no good so it turned into a bit of a nightmare/long job. Good enough in the end. Added a further coat of paint to the gate. Watched paint dry! . . . Sis2 in the States phoned for a chat. I phoned her back and we chatted for ages!!! Cost a fortune!!!!!!!!!! . . . LB popped in to get my opinion about an oufit she was planning to wear to a party!!! Cor blimey! Risque!! Works for me. . . .TVd till early. (4/10)
4 - Phoned M/D to check that everything was 'go'. Phoned the council to confirm opening hours of the tip. Sis1 phoned asking for help on how to use her PC. Played at being a 'help desk'. Difficult/frustrating/fun! . . .Painted the gate until M/D phoned on their mobile to say they were almost here. They arrived in awful weather in a nearly new Ford Transit. Really nice van - would have made a beautiful camper! Chatted and had coffee but a break in the rain enabled us to bring in the new sofa and chairs and take my old one out. Mum insisted on vacuuming the carpet! Left Mum watching the Discovery Animal Channel and went with Dad to the tip. Very traumatic drive as we got lost on all the new roads near the new ring road. Eventually found the tip and rushed the sofa and chair into the big crusher as directed. My poor old sofa had to be put end up and fed into the crushing machine!!!! Was it because my sofa was so disgustingly dirty that the man operating it put on rubber gloves before he dared touch it?!!!!! Back home we arranged chairs and sat about for a while. M/D presented me with some money as a 'birthday' gift. VERY grateful! I've been spending more than my meagre income of late - a slippery slope!!!! Changed and headed over to Sis1. Helped her change lots of blown bulbs and hang heavy mirrors while her insurance people turned up and took photos of the burglary damage. Went in Sis1 car to the Harvester at Frenchay for a meal. Dropped back home to get used to sitting in my new chair. About 10:30 M/D phoned to confirm they had safely arrived home. Felt relieved - it would have been awful if they'd had an accident or something had gone wrong, on my account. . . . TVd. (4/10)
5 - Up early . . . phoned M/D and confirmed that all had gone ok and the van had been returned. . . . PCd . . . painted . . . TVd . . . PCd.
I had new mail waiting -
Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by
() on Tuesday, December 5, 2000 at 19:31:19
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name: George Jogness
URLaddress: http://www.
emailaddress: @

Comments: You are a fucking idiot! No one cares about your stupid ass, pathetic life. Maybe you should just die so your damn site just ends. Sorry if my words sound harsh, but your site just wasted about 5 minutes of my life I will never get back and I'm pissed off now.


Well . . . maybe I'll feel different when the adrenaline has stopped pounding in my ears and I've stopped shaking but . . .well . . . hard not to agree really. Searched the web as best as I knew how but could only find one reference to a George Jogness who had died in the American civil war!!! (3/10)
6 - I knew I would get such responses to my website BUT, I was unprepared! Those words have reached into me and affected me with a severity I didn't anticipate. I have no 'normal' defences against such comments. My heart is open. I CANNOT simply brush them off or ignore them. They confirm very forcefully my own opinion of myself. A part of me can be completely aware that it is totally irrational to do so, and yet I dwelt on those words and took them to heart. . . . just HAD to share the effect it was having on me and ended up retreating to the eGroups:Avoidant bulletin board for the first time in a month and copying them up in a post. . . . self medicated/smoked/drank and dealt with (avoided?) my suicidal ideation - as I do! . . . thank goodness for soppy old black and white holocaust related movies repeated on tv. Cause to cry. (2/10)
7 - Still obsessing . . . self medicated/smoked/drank and dealt with (avoided?) my suicidal ideation - as I do! . . . PCd late and was genuinely touched and uplifted by responses to my post/on line journal entry/website. Compulsively self reliant I dislike the idea of 'support' groups, but can it be that they can actually make a difference - to 'me'?!! . . . empathy invoking, heavy duty emotional TV programs including the genetic argument against hermaphrodite gendre assignment surgery and the tale of the Siamese twins, started to 'bring me round'??!! (2/10)
8 - Felt a bit more in control . . . finally put the gate back on its post complete with 'No Parking - Motorcycle Access' sign! . . . PCd. Sat down at 09:30, logged on to the eGroups:Avoidant bulletin board and began to catch up on the 1192 posts that had been made over the last month or more. Oh dear!!! A roller coaster ride of emotions from tears to laughter. Boring, boring incessant tittle-tattle about the US election fiasco had somehow degenerated into full-blown war and character assassination. It was horrific to watch as 'good' people turned nasty and posted deliberately hurtful posts, full of venom and anger. EVERY facet of full-on AvPD behaviour!!! What on earth is it in so many people that makes them want to 'hurt' others especially when they have first hand knowledge of how being hurt can be? What on earth was going on in their lives? . . I would have no one hurt. If my depressive episodes are my own anger turned inward then I should be thankful for it, whatever the ultimate cost! I would not be otherwise . . . PS popped in about 20:30 for drinks and chat and dragged me away from the PC for a few hours . . . returned to the PC in the early hours and at about 03:00 finally finished reading all the posts up to date. Felt obliged to post and say thank you for the supportive replies I had received and couldn't help but refer to the 'fray' and attempt to point out that of all places, there was not the place to engage in hurtful behaviour. So obvious - but couldn't find the right words. Posted in the expectation that any replies could be damaging to me - but I had to nonetheless! . . . my sore blurred eyes finally gave out so went to bed about 04:30 but hard to sleep. (3/10)
9 - Up late . . . PCd . . . decided to update my friend the website, rather than delete . . . a break in the rain so I got the bike out and went to Fowlers and after a bit of difficult decision making, and no doubt looking a complete idiot in front of the saleswoman, bought a new matt black open face helmet for 32.99. In the car park a guy asked if I had any spares for the bike cause he needed some. I said no but made use of his experience and asked his opinion about how rattley he thought the engine was. He seemed to think it was ok-ish which put my mind somewhat more at ease. Played around on the motorway a bit before heading out to Sis1 house to see if she was in and, since I had two helmets with me, see if she wanted to go for that ride she had asked for. She wasn't in again. The nearby river was in flood, rushing beneath the bridge all brown and boiling. Stopped to watch . . . back home to find a neighbours visitor parked across the gate! He moved it without much asking . . . Just got the bike covered before another torrential downpour . . .On closer examination the new helmet is cheap and nasty! Oh well . . . TVd . . .weird old woman with a glass in her hand obviously drunk and begging for money, rang the doorbell and started trying to sing a carol!!!!! Scarey!!!! Said 'no thanks' and slammed the door and uneasily watched her leave through the spy hole. I must practice telling people who do that, that I am Jewish - just to see their reaction. . . . PCd till 03:00 (4/10)
10 - Disturbed sleep with lots of waking up . . . up late . . . PCd . . .PS popped in for coffee . . . up and down moodwise from one minute to the next . . . LB phoned to say she was going 'home' for Christmas. I agreed to feed her cats in her abscence! That's my Christmas all sorted then. Hours of sat in someone elses house stroking their cats so they don't feel lonely and neglected. Damn! . . . finally forced myself up in the attic to see what unused Christmas cards I have left over from previous years. Got a bit sad looking at my boxes of Christmas decorations and stuff and old cards I had received from people I once knew. Left everything in the boxes - just far too sad to put up the tree and lights and decorations and sit amongst them, all alone - again!! Bah humbug! . . . TVd till early. (3/10)
11 - Suddenly remembered I'd forgotten to send Sis1 the birthday card which is still sat on the coffee table in my 'to do . . . later!' pile of bills and things!!!!!!! . . . attended to the pile/balanced my accounts . . .phoned Sis1 and did the 'happy birthday to you' bit. She was on her way to the doctor with an injury to her finger as the result of another assault at her work!!! Jeeze-is it worth it!!! . . . couldn't face taking the bike out in the weather so posted Sis1s birthday card . . . shopped for Christmas cards. How much ?!!!!!!! Jeeze-that isn't worth it!!! . . . yet more torrential rain and SO dark ALL day . . . TVd/PCd . . . very tired of things. (3/10)
12 - PCd . . . more darkness and rain and storms, and yet more forecast . . . seemed to spend almost all day writing out a very small number of Christmas cards. Finally got them done and posted. . . . walking back from the post box in the rain, I asked a guy going into his house if he was throwing the stuff in his garden away and if so, could I have it. He was and said yes so I thanked him and grabbed a couple of pieces of old rainwater downpipe and fittings and hurried off. Should be usefull for when I tackle the 'gutter' project in the front garden. The rainwater soakaway is blocked and desperately needs redirecting across the garden and out through the wall - if it ever stops raining! Terrible damp in that corner of the living room. All my books and videos are ruined! . . . felt strangly so, SO tired I went to bed for an hour early evening. Hibernation mode sleeping 14 hours a day? . . . woke feeling much better. . . TVd . . . LG phoned to touch base. First time in AGES! Things are going well for her. Didn't know what to say about me. Embarassed at my 'stuckness'! . . . PCd till early doing a 'festive' GIF for the index page as a tremendous storm battered the house! Worry, worry, worry! (3/10)
13 - Up around nine thirty after only about five hours sleep. The house is still intact thank goodness. That was a rough night! . . . down day . . . more wind and rain!!! . . . TVd . . . slept . . . TVd . . .PCd till 4am!! (2/10)
14 - TVd ALL day! . . . dunno what else to do!!!! (2/10)
15 - PCd/TVd . . . rain stopped so I forced myself out on the bike. All dressed up with nowhere to go! Jeeze it was cold and the roads were worryingly wet and slippery. Went to look at the river Avon at the Lock and Weir. VERY high!!! Everything damp and brown and wintery. Not nice bikey weather. Popped in to S&DH for coffee. Feel slightly better for the ride . . . PCd . . . went to the chip shop for sausage and chips and got stopped in the street by someone asking if I had a cigarette to spare!!! 'You must be jokeing' (Why ask me?!!) . . . PS popped in for a beer and chats till late. . . . PCd till 5am reading all the posts on the breakaway eGroups:avoidantschat bulletin board. Much unpleasantness and bitter, venomous posts. Some peope have MUCH to learn about themselves - but probably wont. Very sad/upsetting. The 'community' is lost. With all my failings, I am not SO bad. (3/10)
16 - Woken by T&NS phoning to say they were on their way . . . Yippeee!!! A 100 Premium Bond win in the mail - and an electric bill!!! . . . T&NS popped in for coffee and chats and 'Happy Christmas' . . . shopped and banked the PB win . . . couldn't resist being a bit decadent to celebrate. Ended up buying a twin pack of fresh chickens on offer for less than 5!! I haven't 'cooked' for AGES! Did a proper roast dinner of chicken, roast potatoes, peas, stuffing, gravy, etc. Hadn't eaten anything all day and about 7pm over did it with a HUGE platefull. Set out another plate for microwaving tomorrow and put four more large portions in the freezer. Such things are always difficult when you live alone. End up eating the same stuff for days!! . . . TVd . . . ended the day feeling a little unwell! Did I cook it enough?!!!! . . . 'early' to bed. (4/10)
17 - Woke feeling not so good. BIG headache . . . breakfasted on coffee, cigarettes and AnadinExtra. Felt better . . . PCd . . .TVd . . .microwaved and ate plate two of roast chicken dinner. YUMMY! . . . PCd till about 5am!! (4/10)
18 - Woken about eleven by the catalogue courier wanting me to accept a parcel for next door, as is her habit! . . . PCd pretty much all day. Seem to be currently a little obsessed with the eGroups:Avoidant bulletin board goings on!!! . . . LB popped in briefly. She'd mislayed her bag so I loaned her 10 so she could maintain her hectic seasonal social engagements. . . . PCd till early again! Disturbed sleep. (4/10)
19 - Up mid morning . . . straight onto the PC!!!! A very nice e-mail chain letter type thing from 'unknown' with words of wisdom. Never done such a thing before but couldn't resist perpetuating the chain and sending to others. . . TVd . . .LB popped the 10 back through the door . . . PCd and ended up 'chatting' to 'SA' pretty much for the rest of the day! Hours! Haven't done that for a while. Text is an awful way to express oneself. Limited and prone to awful misinterpretation.Seems like a nice person . . . LB, drunk phoned around midnight and said come up. I did for an hour to keep her 'happy'. Hardly eaten all day. (4/10)
20 - Up and onto the PC!! Added the chain mail words of wisdom to the web site. . . JB rang with some news. J&AB are gonna have a baby!! Goodness me!! . . .TVd. Watched Alastair Sim in 'Scrooge:A Christmas Carol'. Good old classic but I prefer the musical. I am that man! Where are my ghosts?!!!! . . . CW rang. Things ok but not working out as she'd hoped. Good to talk with her. My card to her is missing in the post!! Damn! . . . IHB phoned to say happy Christmas and tell me about his works party at a pub tomorrow and if I wanted I could pop down! As if!!! . . . PS popped in for chats/beer till late.(4/10)
21 - Up late . . . shopped. Bought a birthday card for Sis2 and another Christmas card for CW. A neighbour asked if I would keep an eye on their house over Christmas. Of course - I ALWAYS do!! . . . Posted Sis2 card and got the bike out and delivered CWs through her letter box just to make sure she gets it!!! . . . Drove by Sis1 house to see if she was there. She WAS!!! Stopped for chats and coffee and said hello to . .um . .my 'great nephew' is it? . . . back home and an ansaphone message from CW to confirm that she had received two cards!!! Now I look stupid. Can't win! . . . neighbour called by and gave me a bottle of red wine they'd been given cause they don't like red. That was nice. A 'Merry' Christmas indeed. . . LB phoned to say one of her Polecats had escaped from the cage in the garden. Well - it was gonna happen!!! Felt sorry for the Polecat and other local pets! . . . TVd . . .PCd until early. (4/10)
22 - Up late again! . . . felt a bit yuky. Better after a sandwhich . . . TVd . . . PCd. (4/10)
23 - Failed attempt at meditating . . . PCd/TVd all day . . . phoned Sis2 to touch base . . . popped up LBs to give her a Christmas card and get feeding instructions for the cats, etc. . . . PS popped in till early . . . Felt very 'emotional' for much of the day!? Cried watching 'On Golden Pond' on TV. (3/10)
24 - TVd . . . read a chapter of "A Christmas Carol" which PS had loaned me . . . slept . . . TVd. Watched the made for TV "A Christmas Carol" with Patrick Stewart. Very true to as much of the book as I have read. Good one . . . went up LBs about 7pm and fed the cats and sat about talking to and stroking them for a bit! Covered in hairs!!!! Seemed pretty pathetic spending much of Christmas Eve in someone elses empty house!!!!!!!! . . . avoided watching 'all' of "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV! Too much!!!! . . . decided to deliver the card I'd written out to JO after all, rather than bin it, so walked to JOs in the rain and slipped it through his letter box. . . sat in front the PC till early. Feeling pretty bloody shit! Seems to get more and more difficult each year. Feeling VERY VERY 'avoidant' and not wanting ANY contact, including the PC. E-mails remain unanswered. Happy Christmas? It always just bloody hurts doesn't it? And with each years passing it hurts a little more!!! . . . couldn't sleep so TVd and read till about 5am (3/10)
25 - Up about 10am. Fed LBs cats. Spent about half an hour offering strokes on her sofa. One of them has a mouth problem with lots of dribbling!!. LB knew before she left!! Nothing I can do. All very well giving me the vets number just in case, but me and a cat basket on the bike? Hardly!! It'll HAVE to wait for LBs return. Worry, worry! Made friends with them all but one, who wouldn't come near me and even got bared teeth and hissy! . . . ( Christmas Day). . . eventually fed the cats about 10pm!!! struggled to stay awake watching TV and eating chocolate. 'early' to bed about 1am . . . not a 'bad' Christmas day. (4/10)
26 - Up late after loads of sleep! . . . fed the cats but only one of them around to be stroked. Had a look in the garden but no signs of the missing polecat . . . TVd, ate some chocolate, started typing about Christmas Day as M/D had suggested. Don't think any words I can do, can do it justice. Not in the mood to PC anyway! . . .LB phoned to touch base and check all was well with the cats . . . phoned Sis2 briefly. . . M/D called on their mobile from their favourite seat!!!!!! They'd gone for a walk and it was freezing and blowing a gale. Crazy old folks! . . . TVd, ate Sis1s left overs fom yesterday. Yummy! . . . fed the cats, TVd, PCd till early. (4/10)
27 - Up very late again . . . fed the cats . . . typed just a little . . .TVd . . . LB phoned to say she was back . . .TVd . . .read a little till early. (4/10)
28 - Up about nine to look out and see two inches of snow everywhere! Jeeze it's cold. . . typed . . . phoned M/D and CW to touch base . . . typed ALL day but typed very little!?How is it done?. . . . PS popped in till early despite the snow and forecast -6C temperatures. (4/10)
29 - Brrrrrr! . . . typed Christmas Day. As finished as I can be bothered . . . Touched base with Sis2 and M/D on the phone.Sis2 is doing her last day of 'office work' today."Something will turn up."!!!! I couldn't live like that. It might not, and for me probably wouldn't, and if it did I wouldn't notice!! . . . TVd . . . 'slid' up the shop for milk and ham for a ham sandwhich . . . PCd doing year end diary roll over mods. Didn't think I'd still be doing this for this long!!! How much webspace is left before I have to start deleting or how long before it's no longer free and has to go?!! . . . TVd . . . thank god for gas central heating (allowing myself the evenings only) and hot showers. Sunny but Brrrrrrrr!! -10C in Central England!! (4/10)
30 - PCd. Ended up 'talking' to SA almost all day! . . . slipped up the road and treated myself to a Kebab . . . LB popped in late for a drink/chat till very early . . . still VERY cold. (4/10)
31 - Up late . . . things are thawing out a bit as strong winds batter the house . . .PCd . . . sat in front the TV smoking away the year . . . watched the Clint Eastwood/Meryl Streep film "The Bridges Of Madison County". I cried and cried and cried! What a BRILLIANT film. BRILLIANT!!! I felt I understood the pain of EVERY character! BRILLIANT film!!!!! . . . LBs sister called in asking to borrow my copy of her front door key cause she had lost hers and was locked out cause LB had gone away for the evening! I couldn't because LB had taken it for the same reason the night before! Horrified that I may have to spend the evening entertaining her if she couldn't get in!!!!! Walked up with a torch to see if it was dropped near her car. Found her key under her seat. What a relief!!! . . . I WANT to be on my own this night especially. To be forced to entertain someone else would have been unbearable . . . midnight came and went with the usual phone calls to sisters and M/D as fireworks lit the sky . . . felt OK and kinda determined to DO something in the new year. It felt ok to be on my own. First year I've ever known WHY (AvPD etc.) I want to be alone. That makes a difference. I felt OK. . . .Sis2 very UNHAPPY so I decided to stay up till 5 a.m. to ring her again and wish her Happy New Year. Watching CNN on TV I rang her as the big ball dropped in Times Square - she was out! Typical. Funny. Left message on the ansaphone! Amused to spend TWO New Years alone in one night. It felt OK. Feel unusually content with the thought of yet another year. I know what I'm up against. I'm drawing a line in the shifting sand . . . ended up on the PC and SA was on line so ended up chatting till 8 a.m. before finally going to bed feeling tired/unwell!!! (4/10)
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