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December
1
- Woken by Sally around 6:30am . . . walked the woods and back . . . solicitor called asking me to verify my bank sort code . . . sat around all up tight . .received the estate agents' account in the mail (apparantly to be paid by my solicitor). 2,825.88. Definitely OUCH, although in my mind I have casually discount 5k to cover all the costs/bills and anything unforseen - so I guess that's 'in budget'! . . . PCd this waiting for 12:30pm which according to the letter I received yesterday, is when I'm supposed to ring my solicitor. . .rang several times only to continually get an ansaphone . . ate a Mum made sandwich and some sausage rolls before trying to call again early afternoon. Eventually figured I think I may have been ringing the wrong number! Got through to the solicitor to simply be told it had all gone through, completion was done and they'd written (??) to me. Jumped in the car and raced straight down to collect the letter. . yep. All done and dusted and all the bills already deducted from the sale and the remainder apparantly credited to my account. . did my phone banking only to find no trace of it!? Eventually spoke to someone and was told it was there, but wouldn't actually appear in my account until tomorrow!? . . so, there it is. As quick as that, I am homeless. :o( . . . made a few phonecalls tying up the loose ends of this and that, like the final meter readings etc. Ended up on-hold to the gas board for an hour!! Really - on hold for a minute or two short of a full hour, just to be able to tell them my final meter reading! Outrageous. It was with some pleasure that my next phone call was to cancel the monthly direct debit to them! Ended up with calling and cancelling the house insurance. . . napped . . walked . . . ate bacon, eggs and beans with two pieces of bread and butter . . . TVd . . .BB called . . TVd until bed around midnight or later.

2 - Woken by Sally before 7am . . walked. Walked past the 'tempting' bungalow for sale on the way back and phoned the estate agents number on the for sale sign and arranged a viewing for around 9:45

ate a couple of sausage rolls . . . transferred the house money into my slightly better interest savings account.

walked to the estate agents office in town only to find it was closed!? On a Saturday? How weird.

sat around reading through the latest free property ads paper. .PCd a bit of this . .walked
3 - . . walked.

drove with Mum . . Sainsburys dog food
4 - Woken by Sally around 7am . . walked the woods. Carried on down into town and went into each of the estate agents and got myself put on their register and collected a VERY small handful of available property leaflets. The agent selling the bungalow down the road with the water pouring into the entrance porch let me know that they'd had offers OVER the asking price!! Incredible! . . walked back to Mums via one of the houses on the leaflets. A 'vacant possession'

up the roads and had a quick detour down a lane running behind one of the other houses that's been for sale since I've been down here. Wow - some of the people in that rank have built enormous garages down that lane. Big enough for me to live in for goodness sake!! . .

drove with Mum to try and have a look at a couple of the houses. The 'nice' one appears to be on what 'I' would imagine is a pretty major road, especially in the summer. A bit of a cut through short cut. On top of that, there was evidence of a potential problem to the render covering the large bay (which I know from what I've seen of such houses is a common and pretty major problem!). So - that ones out. .

walked BGdns in the gale. Walking along the deserted coastal path in the dark, I didn't spot the thick length of thorny bramble that had been blown down over the path by the storm. Got it all hooked into and tearing at my left ear before I knew what had happened! Bit of a bloody mess! . . ate Mum cooked roast chicken and chips before back to the cold of the garage to TV and chain smoke . . . BB called. I dunno - our conversations seem to have degenerated into daily mutual tales of misery! What the hell did we both do SO wrong in our former lives - or this one for that matter?? :o( . . eventually retreated from the cold and went in to PC property until around midnight. Tossed and turned with fitful sleep all night.
5 - Woken earlier by Sally, snoozed on then up around 7:30am . . feel really down. Very VERY down!! :o( Slow getting going with the loathsome prospect of having to walk in the wind and rain yet again. . drove to BGdns for a quick once round (stopping briefly to hack away the offending bramble with my knife) and then back to sit in the cold dark garage. Filthy down mood. . .

walked . . didn't feel at all hungry and told Mum not to bother with anything. . eventually ate a handful of chocolate biscuits
sat around in the cold of the garage, just trying to make it through. .

ate bowls of milky brown sugar (cornflakes) while watching some late night/early morning star studded film about the slave trade and such. 'Losing it' kinda day - much.
6 - Up around 7:30am feeling yucky, headachey and tired after no where near enough sleep . . slow getting going. Walked the woods and back. Ate a couple of chocolate muffins with coffee and then sat around watching TV, waiting for the midday viewing . .at long last, my CCTV videos arrived in the mail, back from the police. God I feel SO differently about the police now. I feel they 'abandoned' me when I needed them. F***ing useless bunch of incompetants. Blimey, I guess me and the yobs have the same view now!! . . walked down with Mum in a rain shower to see the house. Nobody there for a while but eventually the estate agent guy turned up and let us in to wander around. I dunno. It wasn't no 'show home', 'only' a mid-terrace clinging onto a hill, big single glazed aluminium bay windows, definitely smaller than what I've been used to (especially the kitchen'ette'!), wooden 'sun room' needs knocking down and rebuilding, but there was something about it that was very pleasing to me. Certainly 'liveable' as it stands. Plenty of scope for improving and knocking around and definitely a potential loft room situation (uggh! Not again!), etc, etc. What REALLY made me want it, was the long upwardly sloping garden which leads to an old garage AND a hardstanding next to it adjacent to an (untarmaced) access lane! How cool would THAT be. Plenty of precident along that lane for rebuilding the garage into a much bigger, small 'chalet' sized structure with a proper pitched roof!! And of course on top of all that, it's in this area (on the quieter side of town) and on a piece of road that will see not 'that' much passing traffic and almost zero pedestrians. In short - I think I'm gonna have to try and go for it! Mum seemed pretty taken with the place too. .sat and thought - lots - mentally experimenting with simply living there as is, and then with possible alterations! I reckon I could make it work! . . ate Mum made ham and lettuce sandwiches (despite having no appetite) . . . tried to lay down to sleep off my headache but just couldn't. My mind was racing and I was feeling really ill! How are you supposed to make rational calm decisions about such stuff? I dunno! Oh what the hell. Got back up and debated with myself, chain smoking in the garage before eventually calling the estate agent at 4:20pm and clumsily making an offer on the house, 8k below the asking price. He said he'd put it to the vendor and get back to me . . seemed like a long wait (a little over half an hour I think) with the most awful feeling of pressure in my head, like I was fixing to burst! Very near a full blown panic attack I guess that was! . . He'd put it to the vendor who had to discuss it with her husband overnight, so he'd be in contact in the morning. Ok . . . PCd a bit of this . . .
-/unfinished/-
7 - Woken by Sally around 6:45am . . . walked to the woods and back . . TVd waiting for the estate agents call, that never came!! . . .

at just gone 5:30pm the estate agent FINALLY called saying my offer had been refused

walked . . BB called . .ate . . sat . .slept.
8 - -/unfinished/-
Up around 7:30am . . slow getting going and then walked to the woods and back. . .agonised, ummd and ahhd and then eventually called the estate agent and arranged for another viewing of the house. . walked down with Mum and had another look. It really is in a pretty poor condition! VERY bouncy back room floor - and not much better in the front bedroom, and all SO small! I still want it though. I want me a piece of this down here!

ate Mum made chips with spam and peas . . . TVd in the cold of the garage . . . BB called . . TVd until into the warm around 10pm and bed shortly after.
9 - Woke earlier then up just before 7am . . walked to the woods and sat around for ages (until my backside was as cold as the stone I was sat on - again!). Very chilly (only 6 degrees above freezing) but a clear, eventualy sunny morning. . exchanged a word with the 'breakfast club' dogwalker guys, who always seem to congregate under the roof in BGdns talking about Tvs and DVDs and similar 'guy' stuff. I think one of those guys doesn't even have a dog, but turns up there every morning anyway! Got the lowdown on whether or not Mum may get away with keeping her TV aerial inside her attic when it all goes digital. Looks like it 'may' be possible which should please her . Very tempting to go buy a cheap digibox from the supermarket, just to test it all out. . sat around waiting for the estate agent to call. Mum was on the phone when he did, so I replied to his ansaphone message. The house vendor had once again refused my offer, and had now come back with THEIR figure, which was almost the full asking price for goodness sake!!!! B******s! :o( . ummd and ahhd for a while before calling the estate agent back with another offer, just a little higher than split the difference. . waited for the call back with their response. Suprised me that their response was, 'no - we are sticking to our price'! Well - there it is then. I guess that's black and white enough for me. :o( I really don't think it's worth that much in the current market place, requiring as much work as it does (and that is before I've even seen the horrors a survey may reveal). Nowhere near it. I could definitely get a far far better house for that money. No question about it. BUT - I'm not like the rest of the world am I! With the exception of dreaming of getting a fully detached house, that one 'ticks most of my boxes', and maybe even has a box ticked that I never particularly envisaged. It really IS true when they say 'location, location, location', and MY requirements of a 'location' are uniquely specific to ME(and Sally) given everything I've been through. Sooo - does it actually matter what the house is 'worth'? What is it worth to ME? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? ARRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Yes - I could get a MUCH better house for that money somewhere else, but all things considered, it'll be either somewhere I know don't want to be, or somewhere I simply don't know at all! So - in the full knowledge I'd be paying over the actual value of the house, is it worth that much to me??? What good did all that scrimping and saving to keep my savings in the bank, do me in the past? It didn't protect me from what happened did it. Better to be 'content' (as much as I imagine I ever can now be) and penniless, rather than otherwise and financialy 'safe'ish? . . MUCH trying to work things out . . . eventually called the estate agent back and said ok - it's a deal at the price they'd said. A couple of phone calls back and forth and the sale was agreed, subject to survey. I'll start the running around to get solicitors and surveyors etc. on Monday. So - I have something to aim towards. 'House of Horrors' #2? :o( . . PCd a bit of this, as has become usual every day of late, feeling headachey, kinda dizzy, a bit nauseaus and really actually pretty ill. If I can stand it (and I'm actually not sure I can!) I'm going to assume it is simply the stress of what I'm going through, and try and hold out from seeing a doctor until after it's all over. I don't think having access to a bunch of medication would be a good idea right now! . . .ate sausage rolls and spam and lettuce sandwiches with crisps before laying down for a nap. . woken by Sis1 leaving an ansaphone message for Mum . . Sis2 called to touch base . . . only three degrees above zero in the garage! I really don't feel well . . PCd a bit more of this but I'm finding it so, SO difficult to keep this going. Just can't see the point in it anymore. I've much more important stuff to worry about filling my every thought. Hell - I'm even mentally starting the building work on the house I haven't bought yet!! . . .walked as the temperature hovered just above zero. Even saw a council gritter-lorry pass by! Very clear night across the bay with all the lights twinkling in the distance, and a cold star filled sky close by above. . . awkwardly ate a Mum microwaved cottage pie thingy (actually rather yucky) while talking to BB who decided to call just as it was put on the table in front of me! . . coffee and biscuits . . TVd in the garage until I was frozen and then a bit more in the bedroom before sleep around 11:30pm
10 - Woken just after 6am by a dream! (In the dream, Mum was telling me, just for information, someone had been kidnapped!??) . .suprisingly warmer than last night. Weird how quickly the weather can change like that down here (back up to 8 degrees) . . walked to the woods for much sitting around and then carried on down to the beach and allowed Sally to have a swim before heading back via the woods. Bit of a shower of rain before reaching BGdns for some more sitting overlooking the bay. Dare I start to relax a little and think I may actually be able to buy that house - and even be able to afford to live in it for a while before having to get some work, if I do? I just can't let myself get all excited about the prospect (like Mum seems to be), lest it should all fall through. Nevertheless - I can't help it - I AM starting to REALLY want it! Imagine THAT being Sally's daily walk! Very cool! . . TVd in the garage before succumbing to the cold and retreating in to PC just a bit of this . . persuaded Mum to show me where the nearest Argos store is. Left Sally at home and drove to Torquay with Mum. Busy BUSY place! Seemed like a REALLY big place - even bigger in feel to me than the centre of Bristol, although maybe that's just because I've been 'hiding away' for so long now. Looked like the local bikers were doing a 'toy run' with a big group of them tinseled up, revving and honking their way through town . . Went in Argos, looked through the catalogue at the cheapest of the digital Freeview TV boxes (damn - the one I fancied was out of stock), and arbitrarily decided on the cheap Wharfedale DV832BN to test out Mums aerial ("Don't worry. I'll make use of it somewhere come what may.") Mum insisted on paying for it!!! . did a brief tour of the charity shops (for Mum. I've no interest because I have no home in which to put anything I may have ordinarily been tempted to buy!) before getting back to the car within the hour of parking that was allowed on that particular street . . . within minutes of getting back, the set top box was plugged in and proved to be working, 'mostly' ok-ish on Mum's in-attic aerial! Result. :o) Some of the channels eventually turned out to be a bit twitchy and low on signal, and bizarrely variable with the weather conditions (!!!????) but 'most' (certainly the 'main' five and all the BBC channels) were watchable. I think in the fullness of time, a slightly higher gain antennae in the attic would improve things, when she finally HAS to change over, but of course she insists "Not now! Not with all 'this' going on!". Yeah, I guess I can understand that. . . ate Mum made sandwiches with crisps . . napped . . couldn't face the walk in the wet and wind (yet again!) and drove Sally in the car to BGdns for a very quick once round . . .ate Mum made corned beef, chips and peas . . . BB called . . TVd - channels. :o) . . to bed around 11:30pm.
11 - Up around 7am . . . More wind and rain. Drove to BGdns for a once round walk. Something 'weird' and out of place was laying on the grass near one of the hedges, not far from the water's edge. Turned out to be a medium sized white ceramic pot with a floral design on two sides!? Picked it up and had a closer look and at the writing beneath the glaze on the underside. Blimey - how weird. It was a pet cremation urn (empty thankfully)! How bizarre to just leave that laying on the grass like that. Placed it on one of the benches and left it behind . . Called a few surveyors getting quotes and info. All around the same 500 price. . phoned the same solicitor I used to sell my house and started the ball rolling for buying a house. I 'may' have got the wrong end of the stick, but for some reason he seemed to be advising me to wait until he'd started the legal process, before getting a survey done. . . messed around with Mums illuminated doorbell button and managed to remove the blown lamp from inside. Put three new plastic 'caps' on the screws holding the back door step, cosmetic plastic cover in place. .Walked with Sally to the small local hardware store in search of a replacement doorbell bulb (actually looks more like a fuse) but they had none. . .ate corned beef and lettuce sandwiches with crisps . . .Couldn't figure out why the solicitor had said I should wait for the survey (unless it was to ensure he had his 'pound of flesh' out of me?) and eventually phoned a surveyor and managed to get a survey scheduled for Thursday pm . . . tidied up a bit of paperwork . . . PCd a bit of this . . . napped . . .walked. It was a particularly clear sky out across the dark of the bay again. For at least the second time since I've been down here, looking somewhere south I saw a shooting star again, going down into the east. This one was rather less 'fleeting' and more firey as it streaked across the sky. Made me feel very small. Amazing thing to consider. In the vastness of time and space, some piece of rock from who knows where had been aimlessly drifting along, acted on her and there by the gravitational forces of different indifferent bodies, and then ultimately purely by infinate chance, ended its days there in front of me and was absorbed into the Earth. We are not so very different I think. . . ate Mum cooked cheese omlette with four pieces of bread and butter. BB called as I ate. . . TVd/PCd until bed shortly after midnight
12 - Up around 7am . . .walked the woods . . . sat around/TVd . .received a letter in the mail from the estate agent, containing a Memorandum Of Sale Agreed (subject to contract). Rang them up to correct my middle initial which they'd got wrong! . . felt strangely absolutely starving! That little omlette thingy last night was NOT enough! . Ate (early) Mum made beans on four toast with grated cheese and then some biscuits . . napped . . Sis1 called to touch base with Mum. Apparantly not only has she invited Mum (and me) up for Christmas day (I'll have to do the driving - so my Christmas day, which is going to be particularly miserable and difficult for me anyway, is going to be little more than a marathon five hours of driving! Way to go to make it UTTERLY shit!), but she is also planning that her and all that side of the family will be coming down between Christmas and the new year to visit - "and we could all go an' see 'Terry's' house"!!!! Oh jeeze - no! The prospect of being trapped here without escape and having absolutely no choice but to have to endure 'company' in my current state of mind, was 'difficult' to contemplate and saw my fragile mood take an immediate nose dive! :o( . . .walked. Sat around at length, trying to work out some means of escape. . ate meat sandwiches and then a choc ice . . TVd . . BB called . . .TVd until bed around midnight. s
13 - Up around 7am . . .walked the woods . . . sat around/TVd . .received surveyor and solicitor letters in the mail requiring signatures etc. . checked my bank balance and then wrote out the solicitor preliminary funding cheque of 275 . . ate Mum made meat sandwiches with crisps . . . walked with Sally (past the house - now showing 'Sale Agreed' on the sign!) down to hand deliver the letters (once I'd found the surveyors office, in a small side door then up a flight of stairs above the high street HSBC). . walked back through town and round the harbor. The old homeless lady I've seen around about on a couple of occasions now, was lead asleep on the ground by the harbor wall, near the huts where holiday makers can book up boat trips! Sadness - more than I may have experienced just a few long months ago. Wonder what her story is? . .returned after sits at BGdns for smokes. . . napped . . . all drove to BGdns to walk. Gave Mum the opportunity to see some of the rediculously over the top expensive lights and decorations that a few local nutters have absolutely covered their houses and gardens with. Must cost a fortune, never mind the electric bill! Those large, electric fan inflated fragile in the wind characters seem to be all the rage this year. Wonder what that homeless lady feels when SHE sees them? Does she feel like crying in self pity too, or is that just me? . showed Mum the pet cremation ceramic urn I'd told her about, that was still intact under one of the seats. How many days has that been there now? Back 'home' in Bristol, that would have been smashed for the sake of it, within hours of its first appearance. THAT is a small but eloquant measure of how different it is down here (in the winter at least). . ate Mum made cold chicken and stuffing slices with peas and chips and then a couple of chocolate muffins with coffee, and a choc ice later. . BB called . . TVd/PCd . . couldn't get to sleep until after 1:30am!
14 - Woken by Sally earlier then eventually up around 7:30am . . .walked the woods . . . sat around/TVd. Seem to be in a bit of a state moodwise. . back trying to sleep before midday,(involuntarily trying to work out in my mind if a hosepipe inserted in a car exhaust pipe would benefit from a Hoselock fitting, for a tighter fit and to prevent melting! All depends on the relative diameters. Even then, there were other things to ponder such as what length of pipe to use, and whereabouts in the car to put the open end for best effect and so the noise wouldn't be too irritating above the stereo!!!! Lot of hassle - would require a rehearsal! lol.) . . ate Mum made chicken and stuffing slice sandwiches with crisps before back to lay down . . . napped until around 3:30pm when woken all aching neck, from an unusually vivid and recalled-in-detail, dream/nightmare! (In the dream I was talking to the owner of a house I was going to buy, explaining the circumstances of what had happened to me in the past and why I was there buying it. The house was on a horrible, busy, traffic lighted crossroads. I left by riding off on my little old red, Honda 400 with the loud straight through slash cut exhausts. As I drove along, a team dressed in whites was playing cricket next to the road. One of the players hit out at me with his gloved hand as I passed. I stopped, dumped the bike and returned to confront him and ended up in a fight. I fully expected the rest of his team to join in and give me a good beating, but suprisingly they didn't, because they apparantly thought he was a bit of an a**hole as well. I woke . .) Lay on the bed for another half an hour or so, only to end up torturing myself by going over the events which lead up to my leaving my home. Avoid those thoughts and emotions!! Suppress them quick - bury them deep down inside!!!!!! Feel as though I'm losing my mind! :o( . . PCd a bit of this until around 6:30pm and walk time . . .walked. Chatted quite a bit with the 'tax man' dog walker guy who I've not seen there for a while (about the new central heating boiler he's having put in. Ouch!! Of interest because I'll want to replace the old fashioned one in the house I'm hoping to buy, but based on what he said it was costing him, I don't think I'll be able to afford to!! :o( ). .BB called . . .ate Mum oven-heated cottage pie ready meal and then some jam and cream on scones . . .TVd . . more discussion with Mum about Sis1s Christmas plans of her and all that side of the family intending to come down a day or so after christmas (with the 'obligitory' going out for a meal etc, etc). It's no good - it's just not something I can easily face at the moment, and it rather seems as though Mum feels the same. I just can't bear the thought of being 'forced' to be around people right now. At the best of times I usually try and hide away at Christmas and deal with 'my depressive stuff' in the only way I know how - in solitude. I can't even do THAT now! This is absolute f***ing agony for me. I just need to hide away and pretend all this Christmas stuff (and life in general!) isn't happening. I just can't handle it 'emotionally'. With Mum seemingly in a similar mood about things, I grabbed the bull by the horns and rang Sis1 and told her to 'leave me out of' her plans. (Terrible awkward call to make. I don't want to upset her, but I'm just NOT able to engage in her festive cheer get together. I don't think she (anyone) can possibly understand how it feels at this time of year to suddenly find your life in ruins like I do. It's devastating. Utterly, UTTERLY devastating - and having other people around, getting on with their own relatively ok lives (inevitably talking about 'petty nonsense') is 'difficult' to say the least.) Mum eventually joined in the call and explained that them all coming down this year was not a good time for her either. Inevitably ended the call feeling as though Sis1 was deeply hurt and that I was simply spreading my own misery around everyone I have contact with!!! Oh god how I want to have my own place again. I want to be hidden away somewhere, on my own, SO bad it hurts! :o( . . TVd until bed around midnight.
15 - Up around 7:30am . . .walked the woods. The little band of dog walker guys were assembled talking about utter piffle, like tea bags and how they couldn't possibly make a decent cup of tea in the cup, blah, blah, blech! . . sat around/TVd headachey again. .PCd this . .ate a cold pastie, crisps and biscuits for lunch. .napped until around 5pm . . quickly messed around with a screwdriver set and fitted the new doorbell lamp which Mum had managed to get from a shop down town. Funny thing as I opened the front door to start unscrewing the bellpush, a police car was parked right outside, across and blocking the open gated driveway!? Pretty rare thing to see one at the best of times, and even more so around here. Wonder what that was about? He drove off pretty soon after. . Successfully fitted the new bell push lamp to Mums delight. Had a bit of a laugh about it being our Christmas lights display! lol . . had a play around with my VCR I'd brought in from the cold damp garage the other day to acclimatise. Eventually steeled myself (I've been working up to it for days) and watched the CCTV videos from the 6th of October the police had finally returned to me. Upsetting - but I watched them. The bricking of my car was pretty much as I remembered it. The earlier 'mob' incident actually looked slightly 'less' on the video than my mind suggests it was - but I guess living through it is something else altogether isn't it. Still amazes me how the whole street just 'looked the other way' with all that going on. . added a couple of screen captures to my journal and hood page, but they really are almost completely useless, and certainly don't convey the smallest part of what all that felt like. I still fantasise about acts of revenge. A few bricks through the windows of Lee Boyce's house/vehicles in the early hours of Christmas morning seems like a suitably seasonal idea at the moment. lolol All a bit pointless though I guess. What's done is done. The 'bad guys' come out on top, yet again! :o( . . called away from the PC by Mum, concerned that the doorbell was making a buzzing noise!!!!!!!!! Took everything apart again before concluding that it was simply a bit of (understandable?) mains hum vibration from the plastic bell housing that wasn't screwed particularly tightly to the hall wall. . . all walked to BGdns. Walking in the dark towards the steps back up to the top, we were both shocked to suddenly hear a voice in front of us!! Turned out to be some drunk guy laying on the floor. He assured us he was ok, so we left him laying there, after suggesting the gun emplacements a bit further on were a far better place to have a sleep. . ate mum oven-cooked monkfish with peas and chips, and then a couple of jam and cream scones . . . BB called . . . PCd a bit of this . . TVd until bed around midnight. as
16 - Woken earlier by Sally and then up around 7am . .wow. Last night the temperature in the garage was a positively balmy 12 degrees C - this morning only a few hours later it is down to 3 degrees!! . . .walked the woods . .sat around/TVd/PCd this . letter in the mail from the solicitor confirming receipt of my cheque . .ate a sausage roll and Mum made chicken and salad sandwiches with crisps . . napped until woken by BB calling early somewhere around 5pm . .walked. Saw another shooting star as I sat on one of the benches for cigarette #1. Chatted to the taxman guy again, who turned up as I sat under the roof smoking some more, and keeping watch for more shooting stars. Way off across the bay my attention was drawn by what I assumed was the police helicopter (although I think it is a different model than back in Bristol - seems much louder!). The helicopter appeared to be following the coast right around the bay until it passed overhead and carried on. A short time later, someone came wandering up to where we were talking, with a very large bright 'nightsun' flashlight. It was a policeman. Turns out they were all out searching for someone aged 34 called John, who was wearing camouflage combat trousers, was out somewhere on the coastal path between here and there - and was threatening to slash his wrists!! Bizarre! Why does everyone down this way apparantly threaten to commit suicide by calling the police first? Why don't they just go off quietly and DO it, like 'normal' people? Whoever this John guy was, he sure was worth an awful lot of effort by an awful lot of people. . . TVd . . ate Mum made ham and salad sandwiches with crisps . . TVd/PCd until bed around 12:45am.
17 - Woken earlier by Sally and then up around 7am again . . .walked the woods . .sat around/TVd . . cut my hair . . PCd just a bit of this . . ate a cold chicken and mushroom pastry slice, some cheese with pickled onions and some crisps . .napped but only managed half an hour or so before being woken by the phone ringing for Mum. . tried real hard but just couldn't get back to sleep. . TVd eating biscuits . . walked. . . ate ham and salad sandwiches, crisps, banana, . . BB called . . .TVd until bed around 11pm.
18 - Up around 7:30am . . . walked a little late after the rain . . . TVd watching a lot of the news channel about an arrest in connection with the five Suffolk murders . .rang the surveyor to find out what was going on. The woman on the phone had just started typing it up and said she'd be writing to me with the bill today (gotta' pay for it before I get the actual report) . .balanced my accounts - well, almost! Bit chaotic waiting for final debits and such . . . ate corned beef sandwiches with crisps . . . napped . . . walked . . BB called. Not a very happy birthday for her, and I'm in no position to make it any happier! :o( . . ate Mum microwaved beef curry with four pieces of bread and butter . . . TV/PCd until bed around midnight.
19 - Up after 7:30am . . . walked. . . sat around waiting for the post which didn't turn up, while Mum went to the local neighbourhood watch christmas coffee morning! . .eventually Mum returned - with the mail!? Apparantly they'd dragged the postman in to their xmas get together and plied him with glasses of wine, and she'd got the mail from him in the process! . walked with Sally straight down town to withdraw a cheque from the building society (that pretty much empties THAT account then! :o( )and then in to the surveyors office to settle the 499.38) account. Apparantly the actual surveyors report won't be available until Friday!!?? Asked them to ring me so I could go and collect it rather than delay things still further by having it posted. Can't understand why it has to take SO long, just to type it up! Grrr . .back via the harbor and BGdns . . ate corned beef sandwiches with crisps . . napped - woken by the phone ringing - napped some more until around 5pm but woke with the same nasty agonising headache! Sucked annadin tablet with coffee . . walked headachey. Passed a gritter lorry on the way home. . ate chicken and stuffing slices with peas and chips . . BB called. . . TVd until bed around 11:30pm.a
20 - Up after 7:30am. Below freezing this morning! . . walked on frost. . . sat around . .drove with Mum to try and find a big pet supplies store like I'm more used to. One of the dog walker guys had given me some directions to an out of town place a few miles away, and after driving around a bit we found it. Stocked up on a 17kg sack of Pal Complete (17.99) and 24 tins of Winalot (10.76) to see me through the shopping nightmare 'season'. (Mum had never seen a pet food superstore before and felt obliged to buy me an expensive German Shepherd calendar 'to hang in my new house'!!!!! What house?!!? :o( ) Queues of traffic were all lined up going in all the other stores and supermarkets and neither Mum nor I wanted to get involved in all that unpleasantness, so we ended up coming straight back home . . ate Mum made beef sandwiches with crisps . . . TVd . . napped . . . walked . . just about to sit down and eat Mum cooked steak and kidney pies, peas and chips when Sis2 called from the bus station a few miles away!! She'd flown in and was just about to get on a bus and would be here within half an hour! I would have gone and picked her up if I'd known! Blimey - how on earth did she miss all that chaos at the airports caused by all the fog cancellations? . Just finishing eating when she arrived . . . BB called. . . chats/TVd until bed after midnight. Sis2 had to sleep on the couch in the living room!! Mum's 'youth hostel' is getting full!!
21 - Woken in the night on more than one occasion by the sound of cats fighting! . . up around 7:30am. -1.5C Brrrr. . walked the woods and back . . TVd in the garage. . drove down to the petrol station and filled the car up before the usual Christmas rush (19.33ltrs @ 17) and bought a couple of cans of Red Bull (on offer 2 for 2). I'm gonna 'have' to 'do' Christmas day at Sis1s now aren't I, now all the family are assembled, and since I have the transport to drive Mum and Sis2 up there. I'm really not in the mood, not least of all because I don't want to feel all guilty about being a damper on everyone elses spontanious seasonal gaeity. Guess we'll have to drive by my old house too while we're up there. So - that's MY Christmas day all mapped out - around five hours of driving and the remainder all up tight and uncomfortable. :o( . . .PCd a bit of this . . . ate chicken and stuffing slice sandwiches with crisps . . . napped . .walked . . ate Mum made sandwiches and crisps . .BB called . . TVd . . to bed after 12:30am. s
22 - Broken, dream laden sleep then up around 6:20am . . . walked. . sat around mostly in the garage. .the woman from the surveyor's office phoned saying that the survey wasn't 'quite' ready yet, but what she could do is drop it by later, because she'd be delivering some cards in this part of town. Goodo. . . Sis2 wanted to go walk somewhere, so I went with her, took Sally, and showed her my usual, morning, through the woods and back circuit . . ate Mum made ham sandwiches and crisps . . napped . .

the RICS survey was delivered by the woman from the office

immediately set about chain smoking in the garage while nervously reading through the survey. A bunch of stuff WAS highlighted as in need of action, but with only one or two exceptions it was all stuff I could plainly see for myself. In fact pretty much the only stuff which was 'news' was regarding his inspection of the attic, and that was purely because I'd not had a chance to inspect that for myself. In short - I reckon I wasted my money on having the surveyor inspection!

-/Unfinished/-

walked and sat around on various seats in BGdns for ages trying to be 'rational' about the contents of the survey. Am I really supposed to get buiders in to someone elses house to give me quotes on the required works (much of which I could do myself and much of the rest not being immediately necessary) and then try and haggle them down on the price? Is that how it works? No - I can't handle that! You know - I think I'm gonna just ignore it and carry on regardless!!! . . BB called . . . ate pastie and crisps and then some jam and cream scones . . . TVd until bed around midnight. s
23 - Up after 7:30am . . . walked . . .sat around feeling rather down . . .PCd and reinstated part of my website in it's rightful place, pretty much curtailing it as of 6th October (with the exception of making it clear I was no longer in 'my' house!) , so that 'whoever', knows what occurred. If they bump into it, I guess that will fill the local yobs of Speedwell and Lee Boyce with glee - that they succeeded in getting what they wanted and ruined my life (and BBs? and Mums?) - so - I guess that is my 'glad tidings and Christmas gift' to them. :o(. . . ate ham sandwiches with crisps . . . napped as Mum and Sis2 were chatting on the phgone with Sis1. By the time I'd woken up later, it was agreed that we wouldn't be going up to Sis1's on Christmas day (I think largely because Sis1 wanted a nice happy festive time - and we aren't!) . .BB called . . walked . .sat around feeling rather down. . .PCd and recorded a BBC 'listen again' program on Johnny Mathis which Mum had missed the other night. Succeeded in making the recording and transferring it to my MP3 player for Mum to listen to when she wants . .ate a chicken and mushroom pastry slice with crisps . . chats/TVd until bed around 1am. Couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until gone 2am.s
24 - Woken by Sally before 7:30am . . walked headachey. . TVd/sat around/crunched annadins. . .ate . sandwiches and crisps . . TVd . .set Mum up with the MP3 player to listen to her missed radio show . . TVd ('Turner and Hooch' and 'Uncle Buck' - aGAIn!) . . . walked . . BB called . . .ate ham sandwiches and mince pies . . to bed around 11pm.aaa
25 - Woken by Sally before 7:30am . .Christmas day huh? Well - I guess I made it this far! 'Ho, ho, ho' - F*** ***!. . walked . .Mum had left a card and a "Bah Humbug" emblazened santa type hat on my chair in the garage for when I returned! . . TVd/sat around/PCd this and generally kept out of the way as Mumm had a go at doing a Christmas dinner for us all. First major 'cook' she's done for years apparantly. Turned out really well - especially the roast potatoes. Ate far too much and then a huge dish of cream covered pudding. . just HAD to go and lie down, and ended up napping for a few hours. Boy did I eat too much!!!! . . . all walked . .BB called . . ate a bunch of chocolate biscuits and chocolate . . . PCd/TVd until bed, long after 1am. James Brown died this day - "Eeeowww. - I feel dead - I knew that I would now."ds
26 - Woken late by Sally around 8am! . . .walked. Missed all the action while I was out. Apparantly the police (lots of them) were called to one of the houses opposite, neighbours were coming and going, and an ambulance drove by but didn't stop!? A single old lady living alone apparantly. Wonder if THAT house'll be up for sale soon? That's how it seems to go down here. There's a really nice house up the road which will soon probably be up for an executor sale, the old guy having recently died. . .TVd while Mum pretty much did a welcome re-run of yesterdays dinner. Very welcome, abut suffered the rest of the day with day two of obscene overeating. Drank a glass of wine with the meal and then napped the rest of the afternoon away . . . walked . . .TVd . . BB called . . TVd . . ate a couple of sausage rolls and some chocolate at allmost midnight! . . . TVd until bed around 2am. ds
27 - Up around 7:45am . . walked . . .went to the local store and bought some superglue and had a go at sticking my broken torch back together. I'd dropped it a while ago and the plastic screw on end bit was all snapped and ready to completely fall apart. It's remarkable how impenatrable the darkness down in BGdns can be on some nights, depending on how clear the sky is. There are times when it really would be impossible to walk around there at night without a torch! . Fingers crossed - the gluing 'may' work ok for a while. . ate sausage rolls and crisps . .napped . . .walked . . BB called . . ate ham sandwiches with crisps and then a bunch of chocolate biscuits and chocolate covered raisins. . President Gerald Ford died this day.
28 - Broken sleep and then up around 7:30am. Felt 'heady' and a bit unwell - and VERY down!! . .walked . . sat around (and then actually back to bed to lay around unable to sleep) in a desperately black mood!! :o( . .PCd a little . . eventually ate ham sandwiches, crisps and chocolate biscuits . . . napped. . . walked . . BB called . . sat around in the garage finding nothing but utter, UTTER mindless piffle on the TV and eventually ended up turning it off and just sitting in the quiet, with just the sounds of the wind and the town's far off church bells for company. Weird hearing those church bells like that a couple of times every week. Evocative of an 'England' I once knew, but with its passing have long since forgot. Sad sounds. . Ended up delving into one of the last bin bags I filled when I was clearing out 'at home', into which I threw all the old charity shop books I'd collected up over the years and hadn't got round to reading. Ended up reading a bit of the first chapter of 'Social Psychology - The Second Edition' by Roger Brown. Strangely enjoyable. The lack of incessantly re-occurring loud adverts for sofas at massive sale discount prices, perhaps? . . . PCd a bit of this . . .ate bowls of corn flakes . . TVd ('Ronin' - again)/read a bit more before bed around 1:30am or later. s
29 - Up around 7:45am. Uggh. The bad weather they've been forcasting seems to have arrived. BIG wind and rain. . walked in all my wet weather gear, but got absolutely drenched nonetheless! The worst thing about such weather is the wind. Walking back along a certain part of my 'usual' walk route, is always difficult and energy sapping in the strong wind. Imagine how bad that would be in remote parts of Scotland and the Western Isles - and there, more often than not!!!! No - I think the 'reality' of living in such places would be too hard for me to bear. It would also 'lock' me in to having to have and use a car. My utterly bleak future where all my savings have gone into a new house, will mean being able to afford to run a car, is gonna be unlikely. :o( . . . ate Mum made corned beef sandwiches with crisps . . napped . . drove to walk, but thought becasue I was driving there, I wouldn't bother wearing my waterproof leggings. Got absolutely drenched! . . .ate Mum made sausage, beans and chips . . . TVd until bed.
30 - Up around 7:30am. . . walked. Actually quite pleasant out after last nights storms. Sat around for ages in the sunny spells . .eventually returned to Mums only to find that she'd discovered her fridge had stopped working!! . as I made my way back out to the garage I spotted a poor greenfinch all spreadeagled laying on the grass!!? It was apparantly still alive, but defintely not very well. Carefully scooped it up out of Sally's reach (although she hadn't even noticed it) and put it up on the bird table to either recover or die. C.S.I. type careful inspection of the living room double glazed window revealed traces of disturbance in the rain dust and one little green feather. Mum's had birds crash into that window before. I suspect it was the sudden appearance of Sally and I coming round the corner of the house, which startled the feeding birds and had that one panic and crash into the glass! :o( It sat on the bird table for quite a while, looking as though it was going to die from either shock or concussion, but then all of a sudden it was gone! So, hopefully it was ok. .all the stuff from the fridge was put in Mums bedroom (which she keeps pretty damn cold at the best of times) to be eaten up before it goes off, and the milk was given a new home in a bucket of water outside on the step in the garden by the back door (a real pain every time you want to make a coffee)! Mum was suprisingly calm about this 'emergency' (it's happened before but was luckily only the thermostat) and made much reference to how when she was a child living on a farm during the war, they didn't have fridges, drew drinking water from a slug infested well, etc, etc. She rang up some electrician guy she's used before and booked an appointment for him to come over to have a look at the fridge and see if it's repairable. He said he'd be here midday Tuesday. .ate corned beef sandwiches with crisps . . . napped . . . walked and found 7p. . . ate sausages, beans and eggs with two pieces of bread and butter. . BB called . . . TVd/read until bed around 1am. Saddam Hussein was 'put to death' this day! I found the almost 'light hearted' news-reporting frenzy on the story, sickening. Much to say on this, - how he shouldn't have ended like 'that', no matter what his crimes - how the English and Americans have much blood on our hands - lies - greed - corruption - blah, blah, blah, - but I just can't be assed to type it all. Out damn spot. Will these hands ne'er be clean. No pride in being 'English' any more, at all, is there. s
31 - Woke earlier, snoozed on then up around 7:30am. . .walked. Chatting with a couple of dog walkers I mentioned how Mums frdige had broken. One of them offered to let me have a small fridge she was getting rid of! I thanked her but declined, knowing that Mum would absolutely NOT want someone's old fridge. .damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!! If only there was soemwhere to put it, I would have had that! Sooner or later that is one of the first things I'm going to have to go out and buy 'if'/when I get a home. :o( . .eventually back to Mums and very rapidly confirmed she would not have wanted that fridge as predicted. . TVd. . ate spam sandwiches with crisps and then a little chocolate . . .napped . . .walked and saw a shooting star again. . BB called . . TVd . . touched base with BB . . Had intended to maybe see in the new year at BGdns overlooking the bay, but it was just too windy and chilly for comfort, and I couldn't face walking all the way down there yet again . . .joined Mum and Sis2 inside to see in the new year in front of the TV. Drank half a mug of wine. Really pissed off. Really impressive fireworks in London. sds
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